Sho didn't know how to exorcise his feelings.
He wished, he sort of wished, that dad had showed him how to do that. Dad used to tell him, when he was little, to exorcise his feelings. To just stop having them all together because when he had a lot of feelings it made him tiresome to be around. Sho had tried his best, back then, to do what dad said. Back then he had loved dad and wanted dad to love him back. Back then, when he'd been really little, he had wanted nothing more for dad to think that he was even half as awesome as big sis.
Now he didn't know what he wanted.
Dad thought that he was awesome, or at least dad thought that he was doing something right for once in his life, and it felt…he didn't even know how he felt. Good, maybe? Or bad? Or like nothing at all. He didn't know. All he knew was that dad said, once, that he was happy with the man who Sho was becoming. Sho didn't think that he was becoming a man, he was still short and didn't even need to shave yet and no, he did not smell bad, no matter what Fukuda said. Sho was eleven and that was still a kid and he didn't think that he was anywhere near being a man yet…and even when he did wake up and he was as tall as dad and stuff he still didn't think that he would know how he…felt…about being someone dad was proud of….or maybe he was just used to it.
Dad was proud of him now.
Dad was only proud of him because he had a girlfriend and that meant that dad was going to get grandkids. He didn't know why it was so important for the bloodline that he had kids. Big sis liked babies too and she liked guys and any guy who thought he was too good for big sis had another thing coming so, really, he should have had his money on big sis for all of this. Sho knew that he was more important because he was a boy and that because he was a boy that meant that his kids would be called Suzuki…but really if dad was planning on ruling the world then he could have just ordered big sis's husband to change his name to Suzuki and then the problem would be solved….but it didn't work that way….or at least he didn't think that it worked that way.
He knew how it worked
He had a girlfriend and that meant that he was supposed to grow up and marry her and then have kids and then rule the world until he died and then his son would rule the world and then his son and his son's son and then his son's son's son and so on and so forth until the world got swallowed up by the sun when it went supernova. That was how it worked and…and he didn't even want a girlfriend but…well he was doing what he was supposed to do…aside from the cheating. The cheating parts were wrong and…and he shouldn't have ever done that and….
And he sucked as a person!
He sucked. He knew that he sucked. The whole run home had been spent telling himself that he sucked…and it had been a very long run. He had no idea how dad and Fukuda managed to walk out to the woods every single day but Sho had done it…well he had ran…and the run had given him plenty of time to tell himself how much he sucked. He sucked because he betrayed Claw again, he didn't want Ritsu to get kidnapped but he still wasn't supposed to betray everyone, but what was worse…what really made him a traitor, was the cheating.
He had cheated on Emmy.
He had held hands with Ritsu….held hands! That was one of the biggest things that you could do with another person! He had let his hand touch Ritsu's….and for real this time! His fingers had been laced with Ritsu's and everything! And he had let it happen! And not only had he let it happen he had…he had…he had LIKED it like…like….like some kind of….of….
Cheating person!
Betrayer. He had betrayed Emmy like a betrayer! Like the worst kind of betrayer who had ever lived! How could he have….he just….he sucked! He sucked and he would suck for the rest of his life and no matter what he did or tried to do he would always suck and…and he just…he sucked! He had been telling himself over and over again all night that he sucked and…and he just….he knew that he sucked and he didn't need to hear it from anyone else!
Especially Fukuda.
"You really worried me, Sho, disappearing like that. If you want to go in to the city then you have to tell me so that I can go with you, alright? I'm taking care of you and I have to-" said Fukuda. He had been going around in circles since….Sho didn't even know! One day or two days or one week or two weeks or…well a long time! A long time and…and Sho just….
He wanted to be alone!
"I don't need you to take care of me! Now leave me alone!" said Sho. He crossed his arms and looked down at his shoes. He hadn't even taken off his shoes when he got home. Not that this was home, he didn't really have a home, but this was the closest thing he had right now and he knew that as a place he lived in he was supposed to take his shoes off when he came inside….but he just…he hadn't been able to! He hadn't wanted to do anything but come home and sit there in the dark all alone until the darkness ate him and there was nothing left!
Well not for real, of course, because it would have been a really mean thing to do to big sis and baby sis….just letting the darkness eat him without even saying goodbye.
But still! The last thing that he had needed was Fukuda to start telling him how much he sucked! Sho had barely sat down and pulled his sketchbook onto his lap, sometimes it helped to draw his feelings, before Fukuda started up on him about how he shouldn't have left and how he didn't need to do missions and how worried he'd been….and now he was going on about how he was the one who took care of Sho! Sho was eleven years old now! He didn't need someone to take care of him!
He was almost a man….like dad said….and he didn't need this right now!
"Sho, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I'm….I'm responsible for you and a lot of bad things could have happened to you out there." said Fukuda. He sat down beside Sho now, finally, instead of standing over him to talk. He hated that. Dad did that.
"I don't want to talk about it." Said Sho. Even with Fukuda sitting next to him on the couch Sho still didn't want to talk about what had happened…about Ritsu and the feeling he got when he'd been near him…a lot of the same sorts of feelings that he got when he was with Shimazaki….and he definitely didn't want to talk about the cheating! Sho did enough of that in his head without it happening in the real world…and it was ok when it was in his head because there was no way that anyone who wasn't a telepath could tell that he thought about kissing Shimazaki and holding his hand and being his boyfriend and…and he shouldn't have done what he did with Ritsu! He didn't even know him as well as he knew Shimazaki…or well at all and…and Ritsu had said that he wanted to get to know him better….and….
And shut up goldfish! Nobody wants you!
"Something happened?" asked Fukuda. Sho shook his head. Why did he have to do that? Why couldn't he just find someone else to bother? Sho didn't want to talk about it! He'd said it in plain Japanese.
"Yes…no….I don't know. I don't want to talk about it…so stop trying to talk to me about it." Said Sho. He just wanted to sit here, on the couch, alone. He couldn't go to his room. If he went to his room then he would end up sitting on his bed and looking over to where big sis's bed was supposed to be and then he would end up getting all sad and wanting to call her…
And when he called her, which he probably would, he wouldn't know what to say.
She was his sister and she loved him, and he loved her, and he knew that he could probably kill someone and she would still love him just as much as she had always loved him…but also he knew that if he told her what he had done then she would have been disappointed in him…her own brother…a betrayer. A cheater. The worst kind of person that there was….
The very worst.
Big sis would never have been able to look at him the same ever again if she knew what he had done…and Fukuda…he would have felt the same way as big sis…and mom would have felt the same way if she ever came back. If mom ever came back then she would have taken one look at him, known that her son was a cheater, and then walked right out the door again and never come back to him...and then that would have been one more way that he had hurt someone who loved him….
If she even still loved him anymore…even without knowing about the cheating.
"Sho…you know that you can talk to me about anything, right? If something's wrong then maybe I can help you fix it. Are you upset because you got sent out on a mission? Because if that ever happens again you can say-" said Fukuda
"I don't want to fucking talk about it!" said Sho
"Come on-" said Fukuda
"Fuck you! I fucking said that I didn't want to talk about it so shut your fucking mouth already! You mother fucking, dick sucking, bitch bastard!" said Sho
"Sho, language." Said Fukuda. That was…Sho always got at least a little bit upset when Fukuda told him that he was talking wrong….and this time he was a little upset…but that little bit of being upset grew. Fast. Faster than it had ever grown before. So much faster that he just…he couldn't….
He didn't hit Fukuda. He was proud of himself for that.
"Fuck you! When you were a kid you said even worse than this and….and I can say whatever I want! I can say whatever the fuck I want and I can do whatever the fuck I want and you can go fuck yourself! I don't need you to tell me what to do or how to talk and I don't need you to…to take care of me either! I can take care of my mother fucking self! You get it you mother fucking, dick sucking, dick choking-" said Sho
"Sho! For the love of-" said Fukuda
"If you don't want me to talk like that…if you don't want to listen to me talk…then go and talk to someone else! Go and talk to your own kids…wait…you don't have any! You don't have any kids and you don't even have a girlfriend and you never will and you…you have no idea how I feel or…or anything! So go and talk to your kids you never had or your girlfriend you never had or your best friend…who's my dad! The only friend you could ever make is my fucking dad and he sucks and…and you don't know anything about how I feel so maybe just shut your dick licking mouth!" said Sho
"Sho!" said Fukuda
"I said to leave me alone!" said Sho. He did a bad thing there, he kicked Fukuda, and kind of hard too…but Fukuda could heal so it was fine. Dad used to punch and kick and bite and stab Fukuda all the time and they were best friends or whatever. Sho hadn't really meant to hurt him anyway, just get him to leave him alone, so that was ok too….
But big sis still would not have wanted him to be kicking people like that.
She wouldn't have wanted him to kick Fukuda even though she didn't like him anymore. She probably also wouldn't have wanted him to have been going around holding hands with other guys and betraying his girlfriend. She would have looked at him and been all 'oh Sho….' and then looked at him like she was all disappointed and stuff….which was even worse than her being mad at him…and then the whole thing would have sucked even more. Now it felt like she was there too, telling him much he sucked, even though she had never once told him that he sucked….
But what he had done….it was so bad….that big sis would have even thought that he sucked.
That was why Fukuda didn't say anything. He just sighed and held his head in his hands. Sho leaned in closer. It looked like he was saying something under his breath. His eyes were closed and he was breathing deep…like he was hurt…but he was Fukuda. He never got hurt. He never got hurt enough to be…well….hurt. He could heal. He could heal and not get hurt permanently and…and if Sho had hurt him that badly then….
Then he sucked more than he ever could have imagined.
"Fukuda?" asked Sho. He leaned over and poked him. He didn't know what to do. He had no idea…Fukuda had never done anything like that before. Just sat there like he was mad or…or tired. Like he was going to look up and tell Sho to leave him alone and that he was being tiresome. Sho…he didn't know what he could do if Fukuda called him tiresome….
That would have been worse, even, than if Fukuda told him that he sucked.
"Sho….please don't hit me, ok? Just…youre too old to still be doing that…and it hurts my feelings when you hit me…so don't, ok." Said Fukuda
"Ok…I'm sorry that I made you mad…that I'm being tiresome…that I suck…" said Sho. He wished that he knew how to go back in time and undo what he had done. Like if he was in that movie where the guy went back in time and accidentally killed his great grandpa. Sho didn't want to accidentally kill anyone, or on purpose, but if he could go back in time and make it so that he was never born then…well that would have been pretty great for everyone…
Then, at least, he wouldn't know what it was like when Fukuda got tired of him and left him too.
"Sho…no. You aren't tiresome, you didn't make me mad, and you don't suck…ok? You're a good kid and I love you. I love you as a person but I don't like it when you hit me…and I'm not mad at you, alright? I could never be mad at you. Ever." Said Fukuda. That couldn't have been right. Sho had done something so bad that people were thrown down holes and left to rot and die because of it! Well not cheating specifically but betraying Claw…betraying anyone….and he had betrayed Claw too! That was bad but….
But the cheating was worse.
"But….what if I killed someone on accident?" asked Sho. He didn't want to tell Fukuda that he had cheated on Emmy…so he went with murder. That wasn't as bad a crime as cheating on someone but it was up there in pretty bad crimes. It was bad enough that Fukuda would know instantly how bad what he had done was.
"I still wouldn't get mad at you." Said Fukuda. That was…Sho…felt like smiling and crying at the same time. Fukuda loved him that much but…but what he had done was even worse than killing someone on accident.
"What if I killed someone on purpose?" asked Sho. There. That was even worse than killing someone on accident. Killing someone on purpose, like planning it and building a murder room where people had to get out of traps or they would die, was worse than accidentally killing someone….but not as bad as cheating on someone who loved you and wanted to spend their entire life with you and stuff like that.
"Even if you did that I still wouldn't get mad at you…and I know that you would never do anything like that." Said Fukuda
"You'd be amazed at the bad things that I can do." Said Sho quietly.
"What happened? You know that you can tell me anything. Even if you did kill someone I wouldn't be upset with you. I'd help you drag the body out to the woods and bury it but I wouldn't be mad at you. If anything I would be mad at myself." Said Fukuda
"At yourself? Why?" asked Sho
"I would be mad at myself because I was too busy with my own life to notice that something had gone so wrong in your life that killing someone seemed like your only option." Said Fukuda
"I didn't kill anyone….but I did something worse." Said Sho
"I'm sure that whatever you did wasn't so bad." Said Fukuda
"What would you know?! You never cheated on anyone before!" said Sho. Fukuda….he had no idea what he was talking about! He had never cheated on anyone in his life! He was a good person, even dad thought so. Fukuda was the person that was most worthy of dad's trust, he had said, because in the whole time that they'd known each other Fukuda had never even once thought about betraying him or Claw or anything. Dad had said that….and the only other person that he trusted was big sis! Fukuda was a good person and…well he could be kind of a jerk…but he was such a good person that he probably didn't even know what cheating was!
"Cheating? What….what do you mean by….by that?" asked Fukuda. He was tugging at the collar of his sweater now. Sho reached over with his powers and turned down the heat. That was something to do while he thought of what to say….well he tried to think up what to say, anyway. The more he thought the more words came into his head until they all came up like throw up.
Maybe it would have been better if he had actually thrown up all over himself.
"Nobody's ever loved you and nobody ever will love you and…and even if some girl was in love with you then…then you would never cheat on her!" said Sho. He wished that he had actually thrown up on himself. He wished that he had thrown up on himself and Fukuda and that the whole room was covered in floor to ceiling throw up. At least if that had happened then he would have felt better about himself…and it would have been something that Fukuda could fix. It would have been fixable.
There was nothing fixable about what he had done.
"Sho…I have no idea what you're talking about right now…also that's not really the kind of thing that you should say to the people who love you." Said Fukuda
"Stop loving me! I'm not worth loving! I cheated on my girlfriend! I cheated on her and…and I'm the worst person who ever lived!" said Sho
"Sho…no. You're not the worst person who ever lived…never say that about yourself. Off of the top of my head I can think of at least five people who I know personally who are worse than you will ever be." Said Fukuda
"Did any of them ever cheat on the person who loves them most in the entire world?" asked Sho
"I know for a fact that one of them has…and twice. That I know of." Said Fukuda. He looked away when he said that…of course he did. Of course he didn't want to look at Sho. Sho was a cheater! A betrayer! He deserved to rot in a hole with all the other traitors! Maybe the kind with lots of traitors in it! The ones where people had to eat each other just to survive!
That wouldn't have been enough punishment for him.
"Well I only did it once…and I want….I want to do it again! It felt so good and I want to do it again and again and again!" said Sho. He deserved to be put in a traitor hole…a cannibal traitor hole! Then at least he would have been punished for what he had done even if it wasn't enough punishment! It wasn't nearly enough punishment! Not only had he cheated on Emmy but he…he wanted to do it again.
He had never thought that holding hands could feel so good.
He could still feel Ritsu's fingers all laced up in his. He could still smell him…he smelled like pork ramen…and that was now the best kind of ramen in the world and when he took over the world he would make sure that there was pork ramen at every single meal for everyone in the world. He wanted to be close enough to Ritsu again to smell what he smelled like…he must have eaten other things besides pork ramen…and he wanted to feel what his hand felt like…and he wanted to lean in and kiss him and see if he tasted like ramen too….
Sho sucked. He was the worst kind of person and he sucked.
"Sho…what exactly did you and this…boy? I'm going assume that this is about a boy." Said Fukuda
"He's a guy." Said Sho
"Alright…so what did you and this boy do? Whatever it is I can handle it…and I won't judge you. Even if you did something that you weren't ready for…and if you weren't ready then…then I am so sorry." said Fukuda
"I think I…was ready. I mean he didn't ask me…he just sort of…and I wanted him to and…and I think that I wanted to for a long time….and then it happened and it felt so good…but then I ran away. I had to run away because….it felt good and I wanted it to happen…and I shouldn't have wanted it to happen! Even if Emmy….even if I don't love her she loves me and I cheated on her! I'm a cheater and a betrayer and….and I suck!" said Sho
"Sho…what…exactly…did you do?" asked Fukuda slowly. He looked away again….and Sho didn't blame him. They were talking about something terrible…and also personal…but more terrible than personal. When you did terrible things then you didn't get to have the luxury of stuff being personal!
"I held hands with a guy…a guy I like…" said Sho. That was the worst part of it all. He liked Ritsu. Not in the way that he liked other guys, like how he would see a guy sometimes and then the goldfish in his stomach would swim for a little bit and then go back to sleep. No, he really liked Ritsu…like he liked Shimazaki…like his insides were made of goldfish.
"You did what?" asked Fukuda. He blinked and now he was staring at Sho like he had been speaking some language that they didn't understand or something. Sho had been speaking plain Japanese! What, was he going deaf or something!? Was he so old that he was starting to go deaf and…and other stuff that happened when you got old!?
"I held hands with a guy I like! Are you deaf or do you just have brain worms!? I like a guy and I held his hand and it felt like I was made out of goldfish and then I ran away! What the fuck is so hard to understand about that!?" shouted Sho
"I…I got it." Said Fukuda
"So now you know….that I'm a cheater….and a betrayer….and I should just…never see or talk to anyone ever again….I'm the worst kind of person." Said Sho
"Stop it, Sho, none of that. You are not the worst kind of person. You're not even a bad kind of person. You're eleven years old and you made a mistake." Said Fukuda
"A mistake? A mistake! Fukuda….a mistake is when you forget to clean out your pockets before you throw your pants in the hamper! A mistake is when you forget to put your dirty dishes in the sink! A mistake is when you get up to pee and it's dark in your room so you step on a LEGO and scream and wake your sister up and then she gets freaked out! Holding hands with someone is not a mistake! That's like…that's like…that's the worst thing that you can do to someone!" said Sho. Fukuda just stared at him. Sho thought, for a moment, that this was like dad's stares. The kind he did before he told you that you were stupid or ridiculous or a waste of his time or tiresome…or just the kind he did before he beat you up…and he knew that Fukuda would never beat him up…but that didn't mean that Fukuda would never be as mad at him as dad got at him…
Sho expected yelling…or at least mean words…but what he got was something even worse.
"What the fuck is so funny?" asked Sho
"Just…you're taking this very seriously." Said Fukuda
"Yeah. Holding hands is serious business. Cheating is serious business." Said Sho
"Sho…holding hands is not cheating." Said Fukuda
"Well…yeah. Like if you're holding hands with your sister…but the way I was holding hands with Rit-with the guy I was telling you about wasn't like holding hands with big sis. This was like…like holding hands with Shimazaki…well not like that because I lo-because you know how I feel about him….but it was a lot like that." Said Sho
"Sho...I'm sorry but you're just like…sorry." said Fukuda
"What am I like?" asked Sho
"You're being dramatic right now…like your dad. Sorry! You just…you look just like him right now." Said Fukuda
"Fuck you! I'm nothing like dad…or maybe I am….I don't know…we're both bad people." Said Sho. He wouldn't have been surprised if dad had done something bad like cheat on mom. That would have explained why she left. She knew that dad was cheating on her and she couldn't deal with being married to a cheater so she ran away and….and that was the only reason why she had left!
"Sho, no, you are not a bad person. You just…ok. So you held hands with this guy. That's nothing. If I had a hundred yen for every girl I ever held hands with I'd be as rich as your dad." Said Fukuda
"Dad's rich? Mom said that we were wealthy…that's not the same as being rich." Said Sho. He had never really thought about it before, money and stuff, but…well nobody had ever called him rich before. He didn't think that he was rich. If he was rich then he would have had everything that he needed. He had a lot of money and food and stuff but he didn't have the stuff that he needed…like enough goodness inside of him that he didn't cheat on the girl who loved him.
"You're rich, Sho, richer than a lot of people can ever hope to be…and not just because you have a lot of money to your name. You're rich in…sense. You're a good boy and…and I'm sorry for laughing. You were just so worked up over all of that….and it's good that you were. It shows that you have a good sense of right and wrong…but it's more of a kid's sense of right and wrong." Said Fukuda
"I'm eleven…I am a kid. At least I think I am. I don't know. Dad called me a man. He said that he was proud of the man that I'm becoming….well you know what he said, you were there." said Sho
"You dad….was right. You're becoming a man but…well you're still a kid. You still think like a kid. To you handholding is a big deal…but it's not. Compared to everything that people do together…well that's nothing compared to…all of it. To be clear you just held hands with this boy, right?" asked Fukuda
"Yeah." Said Sho
"And this boy is your age?" asked Fukuda
"Yeah…we're the same age." Said Sho
"So you're alright. You didn't do anything wrong…and I know what you're going to say! You're going to tell me that you did do something wrong, that you're a bad person, and other crazy things like that. Well those things…are not things that you should ever think about yourself. You're a good person, Sho, one of the best people that I've ever met and I'll agree that you made a mistake…but it's a little one. There are worse things that you could have done." Said Fukuda
"Like I could have kissed him." said Sho
"Yeah, that, and other things….that you are way too young to know about." Said Fukuda. Sho knew what it meant when an adult said that he was too young to know about stuff. That meant gross stuff. Gross, sick, terrible stuff that he had never once thought about doing…and that he had never thought of thinking of doing with anyone anyway because he liked guys and there was no way for guys to do that stuff….so he mostly just thought about kissing Shimazaki and touching his chest and…and this was not about what he thought about sometimes when he was all alone!
And Fukuda didn't need to know about that kind of stuff anyway!
"Of-of fucking course I'm not going to do something like that! That's just…gross…and there's no way for two guys to do that anyway so…so stop being gross!" said Sho
"No way for…you and I are going to have to talk about that…but later. Much later. Not now. Now…Sho…you and I…we need to talk about this cheating thing." Said Fukuda
"We already talked about it. We've been talking about it. I don't know what else there is to say about it. I cheated like Emmy, I'm the worst person who ever lived, and I suck." Said Sho
"You don't suck…and you didn't do anything wrong. You just…held hands with someone you like…and you deserve that. I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through. I'm…the way I am and you're the way you are. What you're going through is different from anything that I've ever had to go through before…alright? I don't know exactly how you feel but….but I know how you deserve to feel." Said Fukuda
"Like someone cut me opened, filled my inside with honey, and then let ants crawl inside of me?" asked Sho
"What? No. Sho….you deserve to be happy. I know that you're doing what your dad wants you to do…and that's smart. It's best to just go along with him whenever you can even if he's being a complete and total…never mind what your dad is being like. Just…you're doing what your dad told you to do and that's smart…but also you deserve to be happy…and if holding hands or whatever else with this boy makes you happy then you should do it." Said Fukuda
"….what?" asked Sho. He cleaned his ears with his fingers. He must have misheard Fukuda. He knew Fukuda, Fukuda was a good person deep down under all the bossiness and weird stuff he said about big sis. He didn't actually think that cheating was ok….right?
Right?!
"You like him, it sounds like he likes you, and you deserve to be happy. Sho…you've had a hard life. I'm sure that you know that you've had a harder life than most people and…and there's no reason that you can't be happy." Said Fukuda
"I have a girlfriend who loves me. That's why I can't be happy." Said Sho slowly. What in the hell was wrong with Fukuda? Did he have brain worms or something? Betrayal was the worst crime a person could do. That was why traitors rotted in traitor holes. Cheating on someone….that was the worst kind of cheating that you could do!
"You don't love her. You make her happy, so you're holding up your end of the bargain, but…well you deserve to be happy too. She isn't making you happy, she can't make you happy, and that's fine. Sometimes marriages…relationships…are like that. Sometimes you can give your whole life to a person and do what you can to make them happy…but it's not enough. Doing everything that you can to make someone else happy then you, yourself, become unhappy…and it's not the normal kind of unhappiness. It's the kind of unhappiness that…well it eats at you. It eats at you until there's almost nothing left. Like…you waste away from the inside…and I don't want that to happen to you." Said Fukuda
"You…waste away? I don't want to waste away…" said Sho. He…didn't know the feelings could actually make you waste away. He knew that if you felt bad enough then it felt like you were wasting away but not…not for real. That didn't sound like a thing that could happen…but Emmy had shown him stuff like that. Like the guy who thought that he was blind because he stared at the microwave while it was cooking or the lady who ate a bunch of vitamins and got healthy because she believed hard enough….so your feelings could affect you like that…..
Sho didn't want to waste away.
"Then…Sho I know that what I'm saying sounds terrible to you. You're young and for you things are still black and white…and also…also you're not a selfish person…and sometimes you have to be selfish. This girl likes you and you make her happy. You spend time with her, you're always nice to her, and you get her nice things. What more can she ask for? She gets what she gets out of this and you're the only one not getting anything….I sound terrible….just…I want you to be happy and it hurts me to see you beating yourself up over this." said Fukuda
"But…I should beat myself up over this. I cheated on my girlfriend. I'm supposed to make her happy. My feelings don't matter. You even said so. You said that my feelings don't matter so long as I make her happy." Said Sho
"I never said that." Said Fukuda
"Yes you did. I was there. You said it to me." Said Sho
"I never meant it that way. Sho…I agree. Most of the time cheating is wrong but sometimes there are…circumstances. Extenuating circumstances. Like this. You're making her happy and you deserve to be happy too, alright? Now stop beating yourself up. Anyway, what you don't know can't hurt you." Said Fukuda
"Yes it can. Like if you didn't know that someone had poisoned your food you would still be hurt. That's how poison works. If people went around telling people that they were going to poison them then poisoning people would make no sense." Said Sho. This…felt sort of like poison. Like the time that he got food poisoning. Like the time he and Shimazaki stole that big sandwich from the party, the one that was too big to fit in the fridge, so they planned to eat it until it was short enough to fit in the fridge but then they ended up leaving it in the living room for a week and then the mayonnaise went bad but they still ate it…
That was how cheating on Emmy felt. Like eating a giant sandwich with grey lettuce and slimy tomatoes and mayonnaise that tasted as bad as it smelled.
"Well it's a good thing that we aren't planning on poisoning anyone then isn't it? You're a good kid, Sho, to think about your girlfriend like that but sometimes you have to think about yourself and what's best for you. What she doesn't know can't hurt her so unless you're doing something specifically to her then everything is going to be fine. Alright?" said Fukuda
"Alright." Said Sho even though it was not alright at all. It was downright confusing. He was downright confused. He had no idea…he didn't want to waste away and he wanted to be happy but…but he knew what Fukuda had said. Fukuda had said that his feelings didn't matter so long as the girls in his life were happy….but maybe Sho had misunderstood. He could be kind of clueless sometimes…he did have dad's genetics inside of him after all and dad was super clueless all the time…so Sho….well now…
Now he felt clueless about…everything.
"Good. Now how about I make us dinner. How about plain noodles with a little bit of butter, ranch on the side, tempura shrimp with the shrimp one on plate and the coating on the other, and then maybe some poptarts with added frosting for dessert." Said Fukuda. That was a near perfect dinner, as close to perfect a dinner as he could eat without big sis…but this was…suspicious. Why was Fukuda being so nice all of a sudden? Well he was always nice to Sho, he was a dick to everyone else but he was nice to Sho, but….Sho had told him all of that terrible stuff and….
And did he really believe everything that he'd just said?
"You're not going make me eat a vegetable?" asked Sho. That was…he deserved to eat all the vegetables in the world, all steamed and bitter and gross, for what he had done….right? Because cheating was wrong and betrayal was wrong and….and Fukuda…he had said that it wasn't so…so did that mean that cheating….wasn't always wrong?
Sho had a headache.
"You've had a rough day, I don't see why I should make it any worse." Said Fukuda with a shrug. Sho nodded.
"Yeah, don't make it any worse…and to drink…um…I want a can of coke!" said Sho. He needed a coke. Shimazaki had said, before, that no matter how bad your day was at bump of coke would always make you feel better. Sho had no idea if a bump was more or less than a can but he needed whatever he could get his hands on to feel better right now.
He hadn't been the one stealing the stuff from under big sis's bed…but he kind of wished that he had been.
"How about two cans of coke?" asked Fukuda as he reached over and patted Sho on the back.
"Fuck yeah!" said Sho. Two cans was better than one…and two cans might have been enough to make him feel better. He wished that Shimazaki had been there…he always knew what to do. Whenever Sho said that he felt bad Shimazaki always had at least ten different plans for how to make him feel better…and also if Shimazaki had been there then Sho could have focused on being in love with him and not…how he felt about Ritsu.
He didn't know how he felt about Ritsu.
He liked him. He liked him even though he was kind of a moron and also he looked weirdly like big sis. He liked him because he just…he liked him! Because of how his hair stood up but cooler than Sho's. Because his aura was the coolest shade of blue that Sho had ever seen. Because he just…did things. The first time Sho had met him he had run away from home to the park because his parents were being assholes and the second time Sho met him he'd been covering the city in fliers warning them about Claw.
He was kind of a moron like that.
But he did whatever he wanted. He did whatever he wanted and…and Sho wished that he could have been like that. Like Ritsu…or Shimazaki. He wished that he could have just done whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to do it….and he also wished…he wished for a lot of things. He wished for a lot of things, and to be a lot of things, and to be able to be a lot of things. A lot of things that he shouldn't have even wanted. Like…like how he wanted to be near Ritsu again…and not just to hold his hand…
To talk to him.
Maybe that was the thing that had put Ritsu from one category to another. That had taken him from how he felt when he saw a guy to…well how he felt when he liked a guy. Ritsu had talked to him when they met…really talked to him…in the sort of way that Shimazaki talked to him and….and Sho wanted to talk to him like that again…and he also wanted to talk to Shimazaki like that again….and he also wanted to dig himself a traitor hole for cheating on Emmy….but he didn't do any of those things.
He just started drawing.
He sat down and started drawing. He heard Fukuda working in the kitchen. He was busy, that was good. Sho made sure to stay busy too. Maybe if they were both busy then Fukuda wouldn't try to talk to him again. He didn't want to talk to Fukuda…and he didn't want to talk about this either. He didn't want to think about this either. How he sucked, how he was a traitor, and how Fukuda had told him that it was ok…that was the most confusing part. Now his happiness mattered? And if he wasn't happy he would waste away? He just…he had no clue. He was clueless…he was even more clueless than dad…and that made all the feelings worse.
He couldn't exorcise his feelings….so he drew….and maybe that would help.