Tsubomi didn't understand Ritsu sometimes.
He was just so….Ritsu. That was the only way to describe him. The way that he just…was. How he was always so serious even when he was having fun. The way that he treated everything like it was this big secret that even she couldn't know about. The way that he was just so…quiet…all the time. Like he was thinking. She used to know, before, sort of what he was thinking about. Now he never told her what happened in his head. He just sort of got quiet and serious and just…left her. Even when they were together she felt alone…sometimes.
She didn't understand it.
"Hey Ritsu, I waited for you." Said Tsubomi. Ritsu didn't say anything as he walked out of his classroom. He just nodded and looked down at his phone as he walked. She…well she had never known him to be very talkative but…well he had gotten so much quieter lately. Ever since that day…
That awful day.
The one where his mom and dad had been arguing so loud that the whole neighborhood could hear. Tsubomi hadn't been trying to listen, no, she'd just been in her minding her own business practicing her serves. She hadn't been trying to overhear Mr. Kageyama shouting about Shigeko's shrine being closed. She hadn't been trying to listen to Mrs. Kageyama shout back that she hadn't been able to look at it anymore. She hadn't meant to hear Ritsu tell both of his parents that it was just a wooden chest with a picture on it and that they were arguing about nothing.
She really hadn't wanted to overhear any of that.
But she had. Even above the sound of her tennis ball hitting the side of the house, it got pretty loud she was good at serving, she had been able to hear the whole thing. Including Ritsu slamming the front door and then running out of his house. She hadn't want to overhear any of it…but she had. She had overheard everything and…well even if she hadn't overheard, if she hadn't been involved, she still would have followed Ritsu to the park.
He didn't like to admit it but he needed her.
"Where are we going?" asked Tsubomi as she followed Ritsu down the hallway. They fought the current of people steaming out of the school. Some people walked around them. Some people, boys, stopped and stared at them. Some people, girls, bumped into them…her…as they walked. She didn't get upset. It wouldn't last. Ritsu was leading them away from the upper year's doorway and towards the staircase. There wouldn't be any kids from their years there…
Well there would be but none of them would bother her.
She knew why kids, well sixth years, went under the stairs after school. Never this early, though, there were teachers still around. They would come later. Sixth years and fifth years…never anyone younger. This was older kid stuff. Middle school stuff…well it was middle school stuff for some people. Not her, though, at least not with…well….with Ritsu.
He had been perfectly clear about that.
"I have to check something under the staircase. You can wait here." Said Ritsu. He pointed to a spot against the wall. She didn't want to stand over there under the poster for the spring festival. She didn't want to stand under the poster for the Math Club, either, or the one left over from the open house. She didn't want to stand anywhere away from Ritsu.
She didn't like being away from Ritsu.
"We both fit." Said Tsubomi. She walked past Ritsu and hunched down as she made her way under the stairs. She made sure to make a lot of noise really jingle the keychains on her backpack, as she made her way under the stairs. She didn't want to see anything that she wasn't meant to see. It would have been embarrassing. For her and whoever else was under there.
There was no one else under there.
It was just her. It was just her in the dust and the dark. There was very little light that made it this far under the staircase. She wasn't afraid of the dark. People didn't know that, though, that she wasn't afraid of the dark. Most people. Ritsu knew that she wasn't afraid of the dark. Hanging onto him, pulling him close, and telling him that she was scared and he was so brave….all of that stuff that you were supposed to say to a boy when he was under here with you….it would have been useless. Ritsu would have known that she'd been lying. They'd had enough sleepovers that he knew that she wasn't afraid of the dark….
And he wouldn't have played along, either, even if she did feel like trying it.
"You don't have to be under here." Said Ritsu as he crawled over next to her. Her backpack jingled as he bumped into it. She stayed still for a moment. Even though she wasn't doing anything…she knew how it would look if she got caught under here with him. She knew the things that people would say…they would be the same things that they always said…but worse, probably.
Because this time there would be evidence.
She knew what people said about her. Kids and adults. She was fast, adults said, which was another way of saying that she did everything with all the boys who even so much as looked at her, like everyone said. She couldn't help the way she looked, she knew that she was pretty and she knew that she was the only girl in class who wore an actual bra, and she understood why people said that stuff about her….but she also knew that it wasn't fair. She hadn't asked to look like this. She hadn't asked to be…the way she was…and to be looked at the way people looked at her. Boys. The boys in her class…and other ones. The ones on the walk home. Middle schoolers. High schoolers. Even people her dad's age!
Ritsu always walked her home. She hadn't had to ask him. He just did it.
"I want to be." Said Tsubomi. She wished, then, that she had an undo button. She hadn't meant it like that! But she knew…she could see, even in the dark, that Ritsu was giving her. The way he scooted away from her like that.
"Tsubomi…we talked about this." said Ritsu
"N-Not like that!" said Tsubomi. She scooted away from Ritsu, there, until her back was to the wall. She knew that she was getting dirty. Mom would be mad when she saw...but she would rather deal with mom being mad at her than…whatever it was that Ritsu was talking abo-she knew very well that he was talking about. She….was not going to try that again. Ever.
They were too old to be playing house like that, anyway.
"Ok. Move over." Said Ritsu. He sounded like he couldn't have cared any less…but she knew him. She knew what it meant when he got quiet like that. When he got quiet and stared. He had been thinking…and she didn't need a crystal ball to know what he'd been thinking about. She knew….she knew that he must have been remembering the last time…well the first time…that they had been alone like this.
The time she had figured out that her door could be closed.
She wasn't stupid, she knew that doors could be closed, but she had….before that day she had never known what it was to close her door. Closed doors meant privacy. Closed doors meant that mom and dad couldn't see into her room. That nobody could see into her room. Again, she wasn't stupid. She knew that closed doors meant privacy. She knew that if she wanted privacy she could close her door…but it had never meant anything to her.
Not before that day.
"What are you looking for?" asked Tsubomi. She had to say something. She knew that she had to say something because if she didn't say anything then Ritsu…well Ritsu would start thinking again. He was always thinking, he was a genius and that wasn't just her thinking that he was smart, he was thinking right now. He had the flashlight on his phone now and he was looking at something on the wall. He was thinking about that…but at any minute he could stop thinking about that and start thinking about…well things that she didn't want him to think about.
Things that they had agreed were never going to happen again.
"That weird symbol. There's one down here too." Said Ritsu as he brushed something off the wall. Tsubomi wanted to crawl over and see it, another one of those weird symbols that were hidden all over their school…and the library…and the park…and a bunch of other places in town. She knew Ritsu, she knew that he wasn't superstitious….at least he hadn't even been before.
Now….well now he was just…different. These days.
"The one with the eyes?" asked Tsubomi even though she knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Yeah…but this one is different. It still says curse but…this one's different. It's signed differently too." Said Ritsu
"Different how?" asked Tsubomi. She didn't really care. She knew the stories about those symbols. She knew that there was the ghost of some kid that dragged you to hell if you found them all…or to heaven. It depended on who you asked. Some people said that he dragged you to hell, the ghost with the weird eyes, and some people said that he dragged you to heaven…and some people said that the ghost just followed you around and went through your stuff and said it loved you and stuff.
Ghosts weren't real.
She knew that ghosts weren't real….and she knew that Ritsu knew too. That there were no ghosts…or curses…or whatever else he did at work. Fixed at work. He had a job now. Well sort of. He met this guy a while ago, Reigen, and he seemed nice…but also weird…and he made Ritsu weird. Ritsu never used to care about spirits and curses and the mysterious symbols that someone had drawn all over town.
She didn't get him sometimes…but she still liked him.
"This one doesn't say Claw. This just says…I can't even tell what it's supposed to say. Maybe curse…or something." Said Ritsu as he took a picture with his phone.
"A curse? That sounds scary." Said Tsubomi. Maybe it was just best to play along. Maybe this was their new game. House used to be their game. Ritsu was the dad and she was the mom and her dolls were their kids and pets and…well it had been a fun game. Their 'kids' getting older. Moving into a new 'house'. Having another 'baby'….it had been fun. When they played at it, having a family and being adults…and being together.
They were too old to play games like that.
"It's probably not a real curse or someone would have fallen and died or something." Said Ritsu
"I think someone did fall here. I mean I've heard stories and-hey! What are you doing?!" asked Tsubomi. She had been too loud there, or maybe there was just an echo, and she knew that she should have been quieter….but Ritsu was being CRAZY! She heard the clink of his keys and now…now there was a scraping sound….and if he got caught then he'd get in trouble!
And she'd get in trouble for letting him get in trouble!
His parents trusted her with him. They trusted her to take care of him when they weren't around. They had called her his big sister, before, but only once. Then his mom had started crying, before, when she said it…and Tsubomi…well she was ashamed to admit it but she hadn't been sad because she had made Mrs. Kageyama cry. No, she was upset because she had called her Ritsu's big sister. She didn't want to be his big sister…and she wasn't that much older than him.
One year wasn't that much time at all…but it was time enough to make her the one between them with enough sense not to go scraping words into the school walls!
"I'm scarping this off. It might be an actual curse and if it is then I have to get rid of it. I mean it doesn't feel…never mind. Keep watch. Tell me if a teacher or someone comes by." Said Ritsu
"But…Ritsu…just….fine. But hurry up! I don't want us to get caught." Said Tsubomi
"You didn't have to come under here with me." Said Ritsu. Tsubomi crawled out from under the stairs before she could say something stupid like she wanted to. She knew what he would make from that…and he had no reason to make anything out of it. He had made himself clear, before, back when they had been playing house for the last time. They were friends. They were just friends and…yeah. That was all that they would ever be.
Which was enough for her.
Plenty of girls liked him. They left notes in his desk and his shoes and in his backpack. He never read them. He always just threw them out when he found them. She had thought, well tried to stop herself from thinking, that maybe he had done that because he had someone else he liked. She knew that it was weird, the way she felt about him, because she was older than he was. The girl was never supposed to be older than the boy…or even the same age as him. Her aunt married a man who was the same age as her and mom had talked and talked and talked about how gross it was and how she was too old for him. She knew that liking Ritsu was weird….but…well a lot of girls liked him!
And a lot of boys liked her.
Boys bothered her all the time. It wasn't just leaving notes for her, that would have been fine, it was…all the other things they did. And said. The things that they said to her face, the things that they shouted at her as she walked down the street, the things that they said about her when she wasn't around. Guys were…like that. Ritsu was never like that. He had always been so nice to her. He always looked her in the eyes when she talked to him, he never said gross stuff about her, and he never tried to kiss her or touch her…because he didn't like her like that….
That was ok. They were just friends.
They were only friends and they would be nothing other than friends. He probably liked someone else…or something. Or maybe he just didn't like girls yet. Some of the boys in his year were still in the 'girls are icky' phase. Ritsu had never said that but she had heard that boys matured more slowly than girls…even though she couldn't even imagine Ritsu as being anything other than perfectly mature. Well…the old him. The Ritsu he had been before that day….the one where he ran away to the park…and when he came back with that cut on his head…the old Ritsu never would have believed in any of the things he believed in now…
And he never would have scratched up the walls at school….even if he was scratching out someone else's drawing.
"I'm done. Did anyone come by?" asked Ritsu as he crawled out from under the stairs. Tsubomi shook her head.
"No." said Tsubomi. She was glad. She didn't know what she would have done if someone had seen her here waiting for Ritsu…well she would have been embarrassed…but also…well maybe it would have been nice, for a minute, to have felt like she was Ritsu's girlfriend…she had to stop thinking about him. She had been doing nothing but thinking about him…like this…for a while now. Being his girlfriend. Kissing him. Holding his hand. Other things that girls weren't supposed to think about…
Even watching him shake dust out of his hair…this was enough to tighten the knot inside of her.
"Good. Ok, I'm done here. I'll walk you home." Said Ritsu. He held his hand out to her…oh. Right. She had forgotten her backpack under there. The jingle of her keychains was almost enough to cover up the sound of her heartbeat. Just being near him like this…it was enough to tighten the knot in her stomach. When she was near him it felt like someone had tied a knot inside of her and it got pulled tighter and tighter and tighter until the string snapped….but in a good way…
A way that she was not going to think about when Ritsu was right next to her.
"S-Sure." Said Tsubomi. Ritsu nodded and started walking. She followed him. Even though he was shorter it was still sometimes kind of hard to keep up with him. He had always walked fast. Even when he had nothing to do he walked fast. He had something to do, probably, today. He would probably go and hang out with Reigen again…and he was free to do whatever he wanted to do…and they were too old to play house anyway.
She would have liked to have been included in this new game, the psychic game, though.
"Do you want to come over after school?" asked Tsubomi. She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked down. That shouldn't have been so hard…and it hadn't been hard, before. Things got harder now. Asking Ritsu to come and hang out, being near him, even walking down the hallway….as she passed some boy who she didn't even know said…she didn't catch all of it but she knew that laugh, the way they laughed…
Ritsu glared. That shut them up fast.
"I'm busy. I can walk you home though." said Ritsu
"Are you sure? You can come over for dinner. My mom's making boiled pork tonight." Said Tsubomi
"That sounds good." Said Ritsu. There was a smile, there, and his eyes got kind of soft there. She knew that look. He loved boiled pork. That was why mom made it. She liked having Ritsu over. She always said that he was a good boy, a good boy for her…and she didn't know how to tell mom that Ritsu was a good boy but not for her….since he didn't want to be for her….but what mom didn't know couldn't hurt her.
"There's enough for you too…if you want to come over." Said Tsubomi. She looked over at Ritsu, up through her hair like boys liked. She made sure to smile and do that thing with her eyes that made them blush…and nothing. Ritsu didn't blush or stutter or even…well she hated it when boys looked at her chest but Ritsu…she didn't think that she would mind if he did…even though she knew that she wasn't supposed to feel…the way she felt…at the idea of Ritsu looking at her and…and maybe even…
Stop it, Tsubomi.
"I'm alright. Reigen's taking me to Korean barbeque tonight. Mom and dad said that I could stay over later with him since dad's out of town and mom has to work late." Said Ritsu. She knew that his dad was away and she knew that his mom had to work late. She knew all of that and…and she still wanted him to come over. As a friend. Like things used to be before he met…well she liked Reigen…or at least she didn't dislike him…
But he made Ritsu really…weird…no. Different. Reigen made him different.
"You can come over to my house if you want…I mean…um…" said Tsubomi. She knew what he thought. He had stopped walking now, just stopped right there on the school stairs. Her hair was getting in her face now. His was the same as it always was. Spiky and just...his. It was like the wind wasn't even touching him. His eyes met hers through her hair. She knew those eyes.
He was thinking.
"I don't feel like playing house." Said Ritsu. Someone bumped into him. His backpack didn't jingle. Hers did. She stepped forward to catch him…but he didn't fall. She pulled her hand back. He was back to staring at her and…and she knew what.
"We don't have to play house again." said Tsubomi. She felt warm, there, even though the wind was hitting her right in the face. She crossed her arms over her chest. She wanted…and did not want…Ritsu to look at her but…well he wasn't looking at her. Not there, anyway, no. His eyes were on hers now. She was stuck, struck, struck stuck there. He wasn't touching her, he wasn't even backing her against the wall. He was just…looking at her.
That was all it took.
"What do you want to do then?" asked Ritsu. He was still staring at her when he said that. She nodded…she…well she hadn't had anything on her mind. Not really. She had just…wanted to be with him. That was enough, really, just being near him…even now. Even like this.
But that wasn't nearly enough.
"Um…homework?" asked Tsubomi. She shifted in place. Her backpack jingled. That was something that they had done together before. Ritsu always helped her with her homework even though he was a year younger than her. He was smart…and she didn't really need his help…and she didn't need to pretend that she needed it as much as she said that she did….but she needed an excuse to be near Ritsu.
She had never needed an excuse before.
"I finished mine already." Said Ritsu. He, mercifully, started walking. She followed. He wasn't looking at her anymore. She wanted…she wanted…she didn't know what she wanted anymore.
"Go? Did we ever finish the tournament?" asked Tsubomi. They'd been in the middle of a go tournament…she didn't even know how many weeks ago…and…well she didn't really care. Well she hadn't cared before but now…well now she had wished that she had cared. She wished that she hadn't taken it for granted…being his friend. She wished that she hadn't messed up…she wished for a lot of things.
"I always win. It's boring." Said Ritsu with a shrug. Tsubomi…well he did always win but…it didn't matter if he always won. It was just fun to play with him…but he didn't want to play with her. He never wanted to play with her…maybe they were too old to play…even if they were still in elementary school they may have been too old for stuff like that now.
That was how it worked. One day you woke up and all of a sudden you were too old for just about everything.
"We could play…um…I have the Mario Party if you want to play with me." Said Tsubomi. They weren't too old for that…right? She didn't even know. Ritsu had always been older than her…well not really. He didn't even turn eleven until summer. He acted older than her, though, he acted older than everyone around their ages…that was just how he was.
So, really, if he didn't want to play then…well then that was fine.
"Later. I have work to do today." Said Ritsu
"For Reigen." Said Tsubomi. That came out wrong. Mean. She wasn't supposed to talk like that. She was Takane Tsubomi, she had to be nice and sweet and all of that all the time. She didn't get to feel…whatever this was that she felt. She should have been happy that Ritsu had someone else to hang out with. When her friends made friends the thing to do was to be happy for them. She knew how she had to feel…but she didn't know how to make herself feel that way.
"Yeah, who else?" asked Ritsu. He maybe hadn't heard that she'd been mean…good. He was still walking. He even walked closer to her…oh. Middle schoolers. They were the worst. He glared at them as he walked past. They said nothing, they even walked a little faster. Ritsu was good at that, keeping her safe, and that was pretty much the only excuse she had for walking with him every single day….and she hated it.
Needing an excuse…it hurt.
She didn't know why it hurt, just that it did. She knew that they had their own lives. They weren't actually brother and sister like his parents liked to pretend. They lived in their own houses and had their own lives. She had tennis lessons and he had…his afterschool job. They had their own things going on and…and she still had her chances to be with him. She still had her excuses…but she didn't know how much longer they would be good for…and the fact that she even needed and excuse…
It was like she had swallowed something sharp…and it was stuck in her throat. Like a fishbone…or a toothpick…or something.
"Ritsu just…can I come too, at least?" said Tsubomi. Ritsu stopped walking again. At least this time they weren't near their school. They were closer to the park than anything. Close to home…they were almost there…but they were here, that was what mattered…and now he was staring at her again.
"Don't you have other stuff to do? What about your other friends?" asked Ritsu. He was trying to be mean. That meant that he wasn't. She knew him. People said that he was mean and cold and that his eyes were weird, like he was always trying to look through you, but she knew better. He was nice. He was so nice that he couldn't have been mean even if he tried.
Like now.
"You're my best friend, you know that." Said Tsubomi. He sighed. His eyes softened. She knew what that was about, she knew why he didn't want to spend time with her, and she just…she wished that she had the money to hire a skywriter or something. That she could put a message up in the clouds like 'I know we're just friends' or 'I'm sorry I messed everything up' or even 'we don't ever have to talk about it again' even though they hadn't even talked about it when it happened.
"I know that I'm your best friend…only your best friend." Said Ritsu. He held her eyes in his, it felt like, like he wasn't letting her look away…and he didn't have to look at her like that. Not when it came to this, anyway.
"I know. We're just friends." Said Tsubomi. She…had snapped….there…and that had been wrong. She had scared him…no. That wasn't about her. He was looking…past her? No. Behind her.
"What?" asked Tsubomi. She tried to turn around but he grabbed her by the hand. He laced his fingers in hers and…and he…he had just gotten through telling her that they were just friends! What was all of this…no. Stop it. This isn't anything.
"Nothing. Just…go home. I'll…maybe come by later." Said Ritsu. He let go of her hand. She pulled her hand back and put it in her hoodie pocket. Her backpack jingled again as she moved…and for some reason Ritsu's eyes went wide at that. He was still looking behind her.
What washe looking at?
"What are you…wow. I've never seen hair that color before." Said Tsubomi. She turned around, again, and he grabbed her hand. She knew that staring was rude but…wow. There was a guy back there with what looked like his little sister. They had the same red hair freckles and…wow. She had never seen eyes so blue before. They were…wow.
That guy was…wow.
"Don't stare. Just…go." Said Ritsu. He tugged on her hand. She unlaced her fingers with his. That guy was…glaring at her? Why? She didn't even know him…oh. She had been staring. She knew how rude it was to stare…especially at mixed people. Mom and dad had always told her that no matter how different people looked, well they'd said weird but different was a better word, she was never supposed to stare…but she had been staring…
So, really, she deserved that glare.
"I shouldn't have looked, you're right. I hope I didn't offend him. I didn't mean anything by it. I've just never seen red hair in real life before…but that would be really weird, wouldn't it? To tell him that?" asked Tsubomi. She hated it when people were upset with her…even perfect strangers. She knew what he must have been thinking, that she had been staring at him to be mean, and she wished that there had been some way to just…say sorry without being weird. Maybe if she said that she was looking at his baby sister….because she was so cute.
She really was cute.
Her hair looked like she was about to go super saiyan…she really needed it brushed…but she was still so cute. She was picking her nose and kicking her feet and she was just…Tsubomi knew that doing things like that was gross and she should have been telling that baby….or maybe she was considered to be a really little kid at her age….to stop…but that was just so cute! She liked babies and had always wanted a little brother or sister. She had never spent much time with them but she liked them….and boys normally liked her….and that boy had a little sister that he apparently had to watch…..
This could end up being a fun day after all.
"You're right. That would be weird. You should head home, I think that you'll be ok on your own." said Ritsu
"You…you're not going to walk with me?" asked Tsubomi. She didn't know…well she did know why it hurt. This was…they didn't spend a lot of time together and…and now they were going to spend even less…and he wasn't even looking at her anymore. No, he was still looking at that guy…and that guy was looking back at him….
"I…have some stuff that I need to do…but I can skip dinner with Reigen tonight. Ok?" asked Ritsu
"Um….ok. I guess." Said Tsubomi. Ritsu….well he was coming over for dinner…and she should have been happy about this…and she was. She just…wanted him to walk with her too. Maybe she wanted too much for him. Maybe this was just the way that things were going to be like now. They were older now, next year she would be in middle school, and things had changed…and they would keep on changing….
But at least she still had Ritsu…as a friend.
A friend who believed in ghosts and curses and got into staring contests with strangers on the street….but still a friend.