I shifted from foot to foot, trying to squelch my anxious anticipation as I waited for her to arrive. The room was dark and vaguely musty, and there was a limp boa hanging off a chair in the corner. Her coat and street clothes were in a pile on the floor, and makeup scattered along the small edge of the ledge in front of her mirror. It looked as if she'd arrived late because the room was as chaotic as it could be with only a few items scattered around it.
She entered a few minutes later with her head down and she was already pulling the elastics from her hair. She hadn't bothered replacing her stage clothing, wearing only her cheap underwear and too dead to feel any shame. I'd seen her naked a few days before, certainly, but still the sight of her nearly undressed was enough to surprise me.
My mind had gone blank the moment I'd seen her, and I certainly wasn't an Einstein or Frost when I finally spoke. "Hey."
"Jesus!" She jumped, apparently stunned to see me standing there in her dressing room, and I immediately regretted the ambush.
She took a moment to regain her composure, then turned to face me. "What do you want, Sean?"
"I just--I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Okay?" She shook her head, I guess in disbelief or maybe disgust. "Okay? Sean, I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone."
"El..."
"I said I don't want to talk to you!"
"Ellie, please," I begged. Yes, Sean Cameron was reduced to begging. "Ellie, just listen to me."
"I was happy, okay? And then you waltz in and take that all away from me."
"But you weren't happy." Maybe I should have left her alone--maybe I shouldn't have protested--but what was I supposed to do? Let her go back to him until she hurt so badly that she killed herself?
"Oh shut up. What do you know? How could you do this to me? How could you..."
And I lost it. I hate myself for losing control, but I did and there's no point denying it.
"Funny, El, but there were two people in that room."
"I was drunk."
"You had a small splash of alcohol in your coffee. Ellie, you kissed me. Don't forget that. You wanted it as badly as I did. You never told me to stop. You kissed me, you moaned, you begged and you enjoyed it. So don't fucking blame this on me."
She shook her head and shoved me toward the door and only then did I notice how violently she was trembling. "Ellie, please," I said softly. I'd scared her. I'd made her terrified of me. I had made the one girl I love shake in fear because I'd lost my temper. Goddamnit, I don't deserve her.
She shook her head again and I left her dressing room willingly, tears in my eyes, and collapsed against the wall outside. I was so naive. Every time I see her, I guess I still expect that forgiveness. And when I don't get it, it's like I don't know what to do. Like I want to make her love me, force her to love me... and that's why I scare her, and why I scare myself.
I was still sitting there in the hall, my head buried in my hands, when she crept out and slid down beside me. She wrapped one of her tiny hands around my arm and I could feel her still shaking, but she was brave again.
"Sean, what we did..." Her voice trailed off and I almost thought she wasn't going to continue. "What we did--it has to go away. No one can know. We have to forget it happened, okay? I'm married and you have to go back to--to where? I don't know anything about you. You're completely changed since I saw you. So, what we did, it didn't happen. We aren't a we. And we never will be. That's all in the past. High school. I can't--I'm married."
I lifted my head and looked in her eyes and started to protest, but she was already crying and she cut me off. "Please don't make this any harder for me," she whispered. "Maybe in another life, things would have been different... maybe if..." and here she closed her eyes. "...But we're stuck with this reality."
She smiled a heart-broken smile and reached up and lightly wiped away a few of my tears with her thumb. She struggled back to her feet, teetering slightly in her four-inch heels, and gave an apologetic shrug. "I love you, Sean. I always will. But it doesn't matter anymore. Just... take care of yourself." She turned away then and I was glad because I don't think I could have taken another moment of her pain or pity or whatever it was that surrounded her.
"Screw you, Cherry." But I couldn't quite gather the conviction to say it loud enough for her to hear.