Chapter 4 - I mustn't fall
-----------------
The dream had come back.
It was like in the dream where she had asked him to find the silver crystal. It was like in the dream, where his future self had told him to leave her. Again and again. It was the kind of dream, that kept coming back, until he fully understood its meaning.
Usako's face! So close to his. She didn't speak, she was just smiling at him. But anytime he tried to touch her, he couldn't move. He wanted to hold her, but she vanished. The darkness was almost physical.
It was not a good kind of darkness.
* * *
Tuesday morning. Time to go to school again.
Rei stood at the corner and watched the others walk away. Going on with everyday-life was hard to imagine. But what should they say? They were the ones, who had to look at Usagi's empty chair all day. They were the ones who had to answer all the questions. This was the one thing, were she had the easier part, at least at school she wouldn't be reminded of Usagi all the time. And she did not have to talk to anybody about it. She could just push it away for a couple of hours.
She wondered if they would be allright. Maybe it was a little too early. No, she thought to herself. They were Senshi, and they had to be strong like Senshi. Hiding at home and crying did no good.
She was barely a block away, when suddenly a Ferarri stopped next to her. "Get in, Rei-san, we have to talk!"
She swallowed hard and went to the other side to open the front seat door. This was definitly not good.
"You've waited, until the others were gone," she said. It was a statement, not a question.
"So? You're the one who's behind all this, after all! It's up to you, how this ends."
"Am I? You're making it to easy for yourselves. Now as I told you guys already, we gave a vow to her. And it was all of us Inner Senshi, not just me! Actually we gave two vows. We promised, we would never tell him, and we promised, we would protect him for her, because she can't do it herself. Ask anyone else if you don't believe me. I told you before, and I'm telling you again we will not step back on that vow. Never!" Her voice broke, she had to gasp for air.
"Is that your last word?"
"This is our last word, yes."
"Then there's nothing more to say between us."
"Yes there is! You'll regret it!"
"Big words for a little girl! You know what this means, don't you?"
"I do. But we're not the ones who started it!"
The Ferrari stopped in front of Rei's school, and Rei rushed out as fast as she could. "Once a war is running, nobody gives a damn, who started it!" the driver yelled after her.
Rei turned around, but the car was already moving again. Too late. Next time they met, it would be as enemies.
* * *
The first thing Mamoru did, after he had chased away the last shadows of the dream, was to check the clock. Perhaps he had been so tired last night, that he had mixed something up. It was still incredible. The time the clock showed, was 4 o'clock, just like it had done last night. For one happy moment he thought, it simply had stopped some time during the last days, and he hadn't noticed it. But it was running! It was 3 in the afternoon, he had slept for twelve hours.
Just to be sure, he checked if there was a way to move the hands. They were behind crystal, and it was not damaged. He didn't see a way to open up the body of the clock either. Well, if someone had a lot of patience, the right tools, and some knowledge of Silver Millenium clocks, it might be possible. But why would anyone want to do that?
The fact remained, that something could be true about the things Tanaka had told him. Perhaps an alien enemy had attacked earth, it wouldn't have been the first time anyway, and the Senshi had gone to fight him. But how did his clock get on board of a spaceship? He hadn't been there! Had Usagi taken it with her? Did she go on some kind of secret mission and got killed there? What if she wasn't dead at all? If she was somewhere else with this ship? So many questions, and no answer to them.
He was pretty sure, that Rei knew more than she had told him. He decided to pick her up from school.
* * *
The time in class had not kept Rei's thoughts busy, no matter how hard she had tried. At least, no one had noticed, that there was something wrong with her, so they had not bothered her with annoying questions.
But now school was over, and soon she had tell the others what had happened. Together, they had to decide what to do. Probably they wanted her to make the decision. She did not want to. She was sick of making decisions. She was sick of it all. She....
Mamoru's car. No, not him, too. He was really the last person on earth, she needed now. Quickly she stepped aside into the school's chapel hoping he had not seen her yet.
Like many others Rei had never seen any contradication in being a Shintoist priestess, and going to a Catholic school. Her grandfather had always said, it was important for a priestess to know about all the different ways of religion. And faith was something too private to be determined only by different rituals. There was much more to it.
The chapel was shaped like a cross, with the main altar in the front, and two smaller ones in the side ships. On the right altar stood a very old statue of the Virgin, the Portugese had brought it with them about 400 years ago.
Rei scraped a couple of coins out of her pocket, and lit a candle. As she knelt down, she noticed the soft light of the candles shimmer on the honey- colored hair of the figure, making it look like pure gold.
"Usagi," she whispered softly, trying to grasp a hold of the magic, the name evoked in her. "I don't know if you listen to me. But I need your help! I can't go on like this! I didn't want to yell at her! I was just so upset, and so was she. It was not a good time to talk, but what could we do? I don't want to fight them, it's just not right. Why can't you be here, you always said no one has to be sacrificed? You said, there is always a way to keep the peace. You shouldn't have gone out alone. You should have waited for us. Together we could have saved Mamoru, and you would still be alive. I try to take care of Mamoru and the others now, but I just don't have your strength.
You know I always used to think, you weren't strong, because you cried so easily. Now, I know I was wrong. No matter how often you fell, you would always get back up. You would always try again, and again, and never give in, that's why you didn't fail. I don't want to fail you now. I know you can't give me any advice, but please, give me some of your strengh. I'm not like you! Once I break down, I won't be able to get back up. So I mustn't fall! I mustn't fall, Usagi, please. I beg of you, I mustn't fall. I don't want to fail you, Usagi-chan!
Usagi-chan!"
She couldn't stop her tears this time, but they were not the kind of tears she had feared. Not the ones that burst out and ripped everything with them. They were silent tears that kept running over her cheeks, they almost felt as if they didn't belong to her. Slowly her thoughts returned to the present. And almost instantly she realized, she wasn't alone.
Mamoru sat on one of the benches, in the middle ship. As soon as he saw, that she had noticed him, he got up and walked towards her. She didn't wipe her cheeks, that would only attract his attention to the tears she did not want him to see.
"I did not want to disturb you in such a private moment," he said. "But then, something inside me wanted to run over to you just then, wanted to grab you, and shake the truth from you. You lied to me and I want to know why."
"You are very upset, and that's only natural," she answered, surprised by her own calmness. "But racking your brains about the same things over and over again, won't make it easier for you. You don't want to believe it, of course, none of us wants to believe it. But she is gone, and she's not coming back."
"That's not the point!"
"The point is, that you cannot accept the truth. You cling to every straw you can find, you fill your head with one weird speculation after another. Don't tell me you haven't thought about the possibility, that it's all a misunderstanding, and that she still might be alive somewhere. She is not! I can't hide behind crazy ideas like that, because I was there. I've seen it happen."
She walked past him, and he did not try to stop her. Maybe she was right after all. All that he wanted was to have Usagi back. That was why he had such crazy thoughts about her flying away in a spaceship. That was why the simple fact of a clock going fast, inspired him to these wild speculations. There were hundreds of reasons, why a clock could be ahead of time. How did he get the idea it might have been in a spaceship travelling back in time, or something like that? Saturday night and Sunday morning the clock had been in his bedroom. Usako had left it there Friday, the day he had last seen her. He hadn't had a chance to give it back to her yet. Saturday he had been working, and in the evening he and Saori had gone to the theatre.
He remembered how jealous Usako had been. "I'll be sitting at home all alone, while you're having fun with other girls," she had complained. "Will you at least call me, when you get back?"
"Sorry, but I have no idea when I'll get back. We'll probably have a drink somewhere, and it may get late. You can't always make such a fuss when I'm going out with my friends. I'm sure Saori's boyfriend doesn't have a problem with it."
"Saori has a boyfriend again!" Usako had shouted with glee, "why didn't you say so at once? I hope it's serious this time!"
He didn't think so. Saori was extremely picky about boyfriends, no man had met her requirements so far. She was very ambitious and spend most of her time studying. Any relationship, that took too much time or energy, was ended with little regret.
In that way, she was the total opposite of Usako. In many other ways she wasn't. He was one of the few people who knew the warm-hearted young woman behind the cool façade.
But girls were never the way they seemed to be. It was more than difficult to look through all the disguises.
-----------------
The dream had come back.
It was like in the dream where she had asked him to find the silver crystal. It was like in the dream, where his future self had told him to leave her. Again and again. It was the kind of dream, that kept coming back, until he fully understood its meaning.
Usako's face! So close to his. She didn't speak, she was just smiling at him. But anytime he tried to touch her, he couldn't move. He wanted to hold her, but she vanished. The darkness was almost physical.
It was not a good kind of darkness.
* * *
Tuesday morning. Time to go to school again.
Rei stood at the corner and watched the others walk away. Going on with everyday-life was hard to imagine. But what should they say? They were the ones, who had to look at Usagi's empty chair all day. They were the ones who had to answer all the questions. This was the one thing, were she had the easier part, at least at school she wouldn't be reminded of Usagi all the time. And she did not have to talk to anybody about it. She could just push it away for a couple of hours.
She wondered if they would be allright. Maybe it was a little too early. No, she thought to herself. They were Senshi, and they had to be strong like Senshi. Hiding at home and crying did no good.
She was barely a block away, when suddenly a Ferarri stopped next to her. "Get in, Rei-san, we have to talk!"
She swallowed hard and went to the other side to open the front seat door. This was definitly not good.
"You've waited, until the others were gone," she said. It was a statement, not a question.
"So? You're the one who's behind all this, after all! It's up to you, how this ends."
"Am I? You're making it to easy for yourselves. Now as I told you guys already, we gave a vow to her. And it was all of us Inner Senshi, not just me! Actually we gave two vows. We promised, we would never tell him, and we promised, we would protect him for her, because she can't do it herself. Ask anyone else if you don't believe me. I told you before, and I'm telling you again we will not step back on that vow. Never!" Her voice broke, she had to gasp for air.
"Is that your last word?"
"This is our last word, yes."
"Then there's nothing more to say between us."
"Yes there is! You'll regret it!"
"Big words for a little girl! You know what this means, don't you?"
"I do. But we're not the ones who started it!"
The Ferrari stopped in front of Rei's school, and Rei rushed out as fast as she could. "Once a war is running, nobody gives a damn, who started it!" the driver yelled after her.
Rei turned around, but the car was already moving again. Too late. Next time they met, it would be as enemies.
* * *
The first thing Mamoru did, after he had chased away the last shadows of the dream, was to check the clock. Perhaps he had been so tired last night, that he had mixed something up. It was still incredible. The time the clock showed, was 4 o'clock, just like it had done last night. For one happy moment he thought, it simply had stopped some time during the last days, and he hadn't noticed it. But it was running! It was 3 in the afternoon, he had slept for twelve hours.
Just to be sure, he checked if there was a way to move the hands. They were behind crystal, and it was not damaged. He didn't see a way to open up the body of the clock either. Well, if someone had a lot of patience, the right tools, and some knowledge of Silver Millenium clocks, it might be possible. But why would anyone want to do that?
The fact remained, that something could be true about the things Tanaka had told him. Perhaps an alien enemy had attacked earth, it wouldn't have been the first time anyway, and the Senshi had gone to fight him. But how did his clock get on board of a spaceship? He hadn't been there! Had Usagi taken it with her? Did she go on some kind of secret mission and got killed there? What if she wasn't dead at all? If she was somewhere else with this ship? So many questions, and no answer to them.
He was pretty sure, that Rei knew more than she had told him. He decided to pick her up from school.
* * *
The time in class had not kept Rei's thoughts busy, no matter how hard she had tried. At least, no one had noticed, that there was something wrong with her, so they had not bothered her with annoying questions.
But now school was over, and soon she had tell the others what had happened. Together, they had to decide what to do. Probably they wanted her to make the decision. She did not want to. She was sick of making decisions. She was sick of it all. She....
Mamoru's car. No, not him, too. He was really the last person on earth, she needed now. Quickly she stepped aside into the school's chapel hoping he had not seen her yet.
Like many others Rei had never seen any contradication in being a Shintoist priestess, and going to a Catholic school. Her grandfather had always said, it was important for a priestess to know about all the different ways of religion. And faith was something too private to be determined only by different rituals. There was much more to it.
The chapel was shaped like a cross, with the main altar in the front, and two smaller ones in the side ships. On the right altar stood a very old statue of the Virgin, the Portugese had brought it with them about 400 years ago.
Rei scraped a couple of coins out of her pocket, and lit a candle. As she knelt down, she noticed the soft light of the candles shimmer on the honey- colored hair of the figure, making it look like pure gold.
"Usagi," she whispered softly, trying to grasp a hold of the magic, the name evoked in her. "I don't know if you listen to me. But I need your help! I can't go on like this! I didn't want to yell at her! I was just so upset, and so was she. It was not a good time to talk, but what could we do? I don't want to fight them, it's just not right. Why can't you be here, you always said no one has to be sacrificed? You said, there is always a way to keep the peace. You shouldn't have gone out alone. You should have waited for us. Together we could have saved Mamoru, and you would still be alive. I try to take care of Mamoru and the others now, but I just don't have your strength.
You know I always used to think, you weren't strong, because you cried so easily. Now, I know I was wrong. No matter how often you fell, you would always get back up. You would always try again, and again, and never give in, that's why you didn't fail. I don't want to fail you now. I know you can't give me any advice, but please, give me some of your strengh. I'm not like you! Once I break down, I won't be able to get back up. So I mustn't fall! I mustn't fall, Usagi, please. I beg of you, I mustn't fall. I don't want to fail you, Usagi-chan!
Usagi-chan!"
She couldn't stop her tears this time, but they were not the kind of tears she had feared. Not the ones that burst out and ripped everything with them. They were silent tears that kept running over her cheeks, they almost felt as if they didn't belong to her. Slowly her thoughts returned to the present. And almost instantly she realized, she wasn't alone.
Mamoru sat on one of the benches, in the middle ship. As soon as he saw, that she had noticed him, he got up and walked towards her. She didn't wipe her cheeks, that would only attract his attention to the tears she did not want him to see.
"I did not want to disturb you in such a private moment," he said. "But then, something inside me wanted to run over to you just then, wanted to grab you, and shake the truth from you. You lied to me and I want to know why."
"You are very upset, and that's only natural," she answered, surprised by her own calmness. "But racking your brains about the same things over and over again, won't make it easier for you. You don't want to believe it, of course, none of us wants to believe it. But she is gone, and she's not coming back."
"That's not the point!"
"The point is, that you cannot accept the truth. You cling to every straw you can find, you fill your head with one weird speculation after another. Don't tell me you haven't thought about the possibility, that it's all a misunderstanding, and that she still might be alive somewhere. She is not! I can't hide behind crazy ideas like that, because I was there. I've seen it happen."
She walked past him, and he did not try to stop her. Maybe she was right after all. All that he wanted was to have Usagi back. That was why he had such crazy thoughts about her flying away in a spaceship. That was why the simple fact of a clock going fast, inspired him to these wild speculations. There were hundreds of reasons, why a clock could be ahead of time. How did he get the idea it might have been in a spaceship travelling back in time, or something like that? Saturday night and Sunday morning the clock had been in his bedroom. Usako had left it there Friday, the day he had last seen her. He hadn't had a chance to give it back to her yet. Saturday he had been working, and in the evening he and Saori had gone to the theatre.
He remembered how jealous Usako had been. "I'll be sitting at home all alone, while you're having fun with other girls," she had complained. "Will you at least call me, when you get back?"
"Sorry, but I have no idea when I'll get back. We'll probably have a drink somewhere, and it may get late. You can't always make such a fuss when I'm going out with my friends. I'm sure Saori's boyfriend doesn't have a problem with it."
"Saori has a boyfriend again!" Usako had shouted with glee, "why didn't you say so at once? I hope it's serious this time!"
He didn't think so. Saori was extremely picky about boyfriends, no man had met her requirements so far. She was very ambitious and spend most of her time studying. Any relationship, that took too much time or energy, was ended with little regret.
In that way, she was the total opposite of Usako. In many other ways she wasn't. He was one of the few people who knew the warm-hearted young woman behind the cool façade.
But girls were never the way they seemed to be. It was more than difficult to look through all the disguises.