Serizawa had no idea how he was supposed to feel about all of this.
Miss Suzuki was upset so maybe he should have been upset…but also she was happy so maybe he was supposed to be happy. He didn't know. He didn't really have too much on an opinion about all of this. Everything that had just happened to her was well outside of anything that he had ever experienced in his life. The President had given Miss Suzuki and her little brother a sibling, which was a good thing. He…liked Mukai…he decided. She was friendly. She was loud and she slapped him sometimes but also she was friendly….and cute, too. Like when she got words mixed up. That was cute. He liked her, he decided, even though he had never spent any time with a person her age before. He had no idea if she was normal for a two year old or if she was a tiny demon child like Minegishi muttered…well he never would have called her back…and in a lot of ways he was happy what she was around since he knew that Miss Suzuki had been missing her for a while.
Also babies were cute. So there was that.
On the other hand she was very upset about her dad cheating on her mom. Serizawa….could not related. Mom's story had changed over the years. When he had been little mom had told him that he didn't have a dad at all, that he just came, that he was her little miracle. That had changed when he'd had his first powers growth spurt, they were normal Miss Suzuki said, and he decided that he was going to wait for God or whoever to take him back since he obviously was not a miracle at all. Then Mom had changed her story and told him that he had a dad, which he should have known from the start, but that his dad had left before he had been born because he had no interest in being a dad. Serizawa…had been young and dumb…and he had tried to find his dad. Maybe if he'd found his dad then he would have had some answers as to why he was…the way he was. Even if dad didn't want him, which made perfect sense, he still…wanted to know. He wanted to know where he came from and why he could do what he could do….
And if he was the only one.
Mom had changed her story one more time…and that was because grandma made her. It had been the last time that he had gone to see his grandparents and grandma had told mom to stop being ashamed and tell him already. His dad could have been one of many people, mom had said, and there had been a man that lived with them while he was a baby but he had left because he hadn't been interested in being a parent…which, according to grandma, was mom for he couldn't handle Serizawa and what he could do. Mom didn't even have any pictures of the man, she had burnt them all because they made her sad, and Serizawa….hadn't taken that well…but he was older now and he was just grateful for the parent that he had….
He wondered how mom was doing these days.
A selfish thought. He knew how his mom was doing these days. She was finally happy. She didn't have him dragging her down anymore. She could go out and make friends and buy all the things that she hadn't been able to afford because of him and she maybe even could quit her job at the department store, she had always hated it, and she….all of her dreams could come true now. He was gone and….and sometimes he just had the most selfish feelings imaginable. Feelings like maybe he could call her…or even worse…visit her. That would have been selfish. She was happy now. He had taken away any chance that she might have had at happiness for the past fifteen years…no….the past twenty seven, almost twenty eight, years. She didn't need him bothering her…not when they had both gotten to a place where they could be happy.
Besides, Miss Suzuki needed him now.
He had no what she needed from him but he knew that she needed him. She was sitting next to him on his rug, now, watching him play Atari Adventure. He…did not really like this game…but he and Hatori had been in the beginning of an every Atari game ever play through and there was no reason that they couldn't keep it up even though they were apart….so far apart….so far apart that he might never see his friend again…and then who would he play with? And talk to when Miss Suzuki wasn't around? And who would scream bad words through the wall at one in the morning? And who would leave cans of energy drink around the house for him to knock over when he tried to move around in the dark? And…and who would…Hatori was in a better place. He had to remind himself that Hatori was in a better place now and Serizawa was in this place and….and his place was beside Miss Suzuki….even though he had no idea what else he could do.
He just…how could he have known what to do when he had no idea what it was that she was feeling?
"I don't get this game." Said Miss Suzuki as she exhaled. She coughed a little. He had heard her cough wore, he had seen her cough so hard her face turned red, and he had seen her cough so hard that she doubled over. He knew that he had nothing to worry about…she was used to this….but he just…couldn't help worrying.
He patted her on the back even though he was sure that this didn't really do anything.
"What do you mean? We have to find keys and…I think that's it." Said Serizawa as he patted her on the back. She passed him her cigarette…no. Wait. She had explained it to him. The ones that they sold in stores and didn't smell all…skunky….were called cigarettes. The ones that she rolled herself and made his room smell like…this…were called joints…but that was a big one and it was brown….she had cut up a really long cigarette to make it….he couldn't remember the word for it…
He didn't need to know what it was…he just knew that he had to share it with her.
"But WHY are we finding keys?" asked Miss Suzuki. Serizawa shook his head and tried not to cough. This was…not easy. He knew that he needed to do this more often, she said that it was good for him, but it just…wasn't….enjoyable? He felt terrible for even thinking that. He hated the way it burned his throat an lungs…and he hated the free falling feeling he got sometimes when he did this a lot…but he loved her and he loved making her happy and if this was the way to make her happy then….well he would smoke whatever she handed him and drink whatever she handed him and just…share whatever she wanted to share with him.
He loved her and when you loved someone then you wanted to make them happy.
"To open the castles." Said Serizawa with a cough. He handed it back to her. She took a long drag and then exhaled without coughing. Her feet were moving around a lot in her socks but that might have been good and nothing to do with how much it burned going in and coming out. She didn't feel that pain anymore, she said, and she said that he would get used to it…and if she wanted him to get used to it then he would do his best.
He'd do anything for Miss Suzuki.
"But….why? I don't get what the point is." Said Miss Suzuki
"I…don't really know why either…but I can see. Just…hold on." Said Serizawa. He pulled his phone off the charger with his powers….and got hit in the chest with it. Miss Suzuki picked it up with her powers and handed it to him. She was really much better at this than he was…but it made her happy when he tried. What could have been better than making Miss Suzuki happy? When she smiled it was like the whole world lit up. She wasn't smiling now, though, now her face was kind of…flat…well it was always flat but now it was sad flat….
But he could do his best to make her happy.
He scrolled through his contacts until he found Hatori. It wasn't a lot of scrolling….not by most people's standards…but a lot by his. He had Miss Suzuki at the top of his contacts with a star and then the rest was in alphabetical order. Hatori, then Minegishi, then Shibata, then Miss Suzuki, then Miss Suzuki's little brother, and then President Suzuki….did he need to add Little Miss Suzuki too? Wait…no…she didn't have a phone since she was only two….her mom then? That could come later…he could only worry about one thing at a time now…and this was worrying. Hatori was half a world away back in Europe with the President….and….and he might never come back and…and Serizawa might have been bothering him and…
A hand was on his.
She had really small hands…maybe because she was a very small person…or maybe he was just a really big person. He was the second tallest person in the house after all. At some point he had just…gotten this big. He wondered if she would stay that small. She was small but she felt bigger than him…like she could protect him…even though he had no idea what she was even protecting him from. Messing up? Maybe…he didn't know….
All he knew was that he always felt much safer when she was around.
"What are you trying to do? If you're trying to Google then I can do it for you." Said Miss Suzuki. Her hand was still on his. Her fingernails were blue and sparkly. Well mostly. One of them, her left pointer finger, had a massive chip. He wondered if she would fix it or if she would do a whole new color all together. She did that a lot, painted her nails, and….he thought about that. About how her nails were always so cool and about how she was so lucky that she could paint her nails…that was better…thinking about her…about her and not about himself and how he always messed up and hadn't ever been able to do anything right in his life.
"N-No. I was just going to ask Hatori but then I remembered that he was all the way back in Europe and I didn't want to bother him in case he was asleep." Said Serizawa. She still had her hand over his…and she was quiet now. She was letting her…whatever it was called…burn in her hand. Ashes feel onto his rug…but that was ok. The rug was mostly crumbs anyway. A little more mess wouldn't have hurt…and even if it had he never could have been mad at Miss Suzuki….
And he hoped that she wasn't mad at him.
He had never seen her angry. He knew that she must have gotten angry from time to time, she had been the one to make that big hole in the roof of that building in the woods…not that they were ever going to talk about that, but she had never been angry at him. He didn't even know if she had been angry when she had made that big hole. He didn't know…well he knew not to talk about it. Sometimes even she lost control…and he was not going to talk about that….
If even she lost control then what hope was there for him?
He needed to stop being selfish. He was watching her colors now, her aura, and she was…not happy. Maybe she needed to talk about something….or to smoke some more…or drink some of that terrible stuff that burnt going down and made your brain all foggy…a lot of the things she did burnt for some reason…or maybe she just needed a snack or to play a different game or something….or maybe he had said the wrong thing and she hated him and she never wanted to see or hear from him again and she sent him away like she sent her dad away and then he never saw her again and he had to go home and he ended up ruining his own life and mom's again and his life didn't matter and he just-
-her hand squeezed his. Everything was going to be ok.
"He's probably still awake…he doesn't sleep a lot at night…and…um….depending on where they are in Europe it might even be morning." Said Miss Suzuki. She squeezed his hand in hers and…and she wasn't that strong. She was pretty small and weak and…and he still felt safe when she was near. She exhaled, coughed, and…and he debated letting go of her hand to pat her on the back. If he let go of her hand then they would have been apart…well it would have felt like they were apart…even though they were right next to each other.
But then again she was coughing really hard.
"You're right. You're always right, Miss Suzuki." Said Serizawa as he patted her on the back. She shook her head.
"No, I'm not always right…I can be wrong about things….a lot of things." Said Miss Suzuki
"I…I know….I mean everyone gets things wrong sometimes! Even someone as amazing as you." Said Serizawa. He stopped patting her on the back now. It didn't seem to be helping. He didn't know if it helped or if it just looked like it helped. He had done that to help her…right? And not to just…look like he was helping her because he had no real way to help her? Because she was so wonderful and amazing? And he just…he wasn't anything. He was nothing, not really, and he felt like so much of nothing when she was gone that he could just cry out or-or-or-
She was offering it to him again.
"I'm not amazing…at least I don't feel like I am." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa started to cough. Whether it was from the fact that he had just tried to take a deep drag like she could or the…the sheer craziness….of what she had just said…he didn't know. That was…what the f-word even was that!?
"Miss Suzuki…you are amazing! You're the most amazing person that I've ever met in my entire life! You-you always think about others even when…when you don't have to. You always put everyone else first….even me…and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve-" said Serizawa. He would have said more. It had just been coming up, like throw up, like word throw up…and he felt like he was really going to throw up. He had no f-wording clue how she could have thought up something so…so crazy to say…and if she really couldn't see how amazing she was then….then he had no idea….he didn't know how he could fix that. He didn't know what he could even begin to do to make that better.
But he didn't have to do anything.
Well he didn't but he hadn't gotten the chance to do anything. She was hugging him, now. His controller, which had been resting in his lap, had hit the floor…and he hoped that it hadn't broken. That controller was older than he was. He didn't like emulators. Hatori did…but he didn't…and that was why he had a real Atari. The President would have loved this…if he hadn't had to go away….and Serizawa may have been looking forward to hanging out with him…but he didn't….think that he should have been thinking about that now. Not when the most amazing person that he had ever met in his life thought so poorly of herself.
And not while she was hugging him either.
"Serizawa….don't say mean things about yourself. You're the last person who should be saying mean things about himself. You're nice, you're the nicest person that I've ever met in my life, and you're a good person too." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa…it took him a moment to hug her back. She meant that….she always meant what she said and said what she meant…and that had been one of the nicest things that a person who wasn't mom had ever said to him. He hugged her back as best as he could….he was careful not to hurt her. Not with his powers and not…not too hard, either, because she was so small. She wasn't as small as Little Miss Suzuki but she was still pretty small.
Or maybe he was just really big.
"You…you're a good person too….and I just don't know why you wouldn't think that about yourself…Miss Suzuki." Said Serizawa
"I'm not…I mean…it's complicated." Said Miss Suzuki
"What's complicated? I mean if I can ask….I mean…" said Serizawa
"I just…I don't know. You should…..you should ask Hatori….what the point of this game is. He knows a lot about games. He's smart about stuff like that." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa nodded and picked up his phone. He was happy that she had given him something to do. He liked being told what to do, he didn't have to think about anything then. He just had to listen and if he did something wrong….not that she would ever have steered him wrong….
She was his friend and friends did not steer friends wrong.
'Do you know what the point of Atari Adventure is? Miss Suzuki wants to know.' Typed Serizawa. Texting was easier than talking because, well, you didn't have to talk. You didn't have to worry about getting the words our or how you sounded and…and it was just easier. The only hard part was waiting for the other person to reply. That could take minutes or hours or days or weeks or months or years or-
Or seconds.
'Find the magic cup and bring it back to the castle' said Hatori. Well that was quick…he was probably still awake….unless it was already time to be awake….Hatori kept weird hours, that was the point. His sleep schedule was even more off than Serizawa's but he didn't care…but it was a good thing because now Miss Suzuki had her answer.
He had done something right.
"He says that the point is to find the cup and bring it to the castle. I guess that's how you beat the game." Said Serizawa. His phone vibrated again.
'If you want to know more ask Suzuki. He loves this shit and he's been really mopey lately.' Said Hatori. Then he sent a picture of…wow. The President really did look sad…and that wasn't fair. He was such a good person. He had made it his life's work to bring people together. He was the only person in the world who was trying to make sure that no esper ever had to be afraid of themselves, that nobody ever had to feel alone again. He was a good person…even though he had cheated on Miss Suzuki's mother…but maybe he hadn't even been cheating since she had been gone for years….Miss Suzuki had said…
Serizawa honestly didn't know.
It was…amazing…in a way. That President Suzuki had made a person. Serizawa knew that he was being weird about it. Miss Suzuki and her brother were here, so he had made people before, but…well it had all been kind of….far away? Like it was a thing that happened but not something that he had to think about. Like when he would see things on TV happening to other people. That was what adults did, they made people, and…and it was just…amazing! How there was a person in the world now who hadn't been there before. Little Miss Suzuki was so little….a lot littler than him. He knew that he wasn't little anymore but he still….well how he saw himself in his mind and who he was in life…they didn't always match up…he didn't always feel like an adult…
He could have had one of those if he wanted to.
The thought is terrifying. Making a person. Putting a person in the world…him being responsible for a human being…him making a human being and then that human being just…existed. He knew that he would never have any kids, he needed to have at least a girlfriend for that and girls who weren't Miss Suzuki were kind of scary, but if he had wanted to…if his life had gone a different way…then he could have had a kid or….something. But his life hadn't gone that way….but the President's had and…and it was just amazing that he had another kid!
And that he didn't want anything to do with her.
Dads were just like that. His dad hadn't wanted him and…well Little Miss Suzuki was an esper but her dad was…he didn't think that he could ever understand what made the President do what he did. Serizawa wasn't a dad and he was never going to be a dad. He didn't know why his own dad had left and he didn't know why President Suzuki had left Mukai here and…and he never would know. He wasn't a dad….he wasn't anything….he was just himself.
He was just Serizawa…and he didn't have to understand to know that the people he cared about most in the world were upset.
"What's wrong?" asked Miss Suzuki as she leaned over and looked down at his phone.
"Your dad is…upset." Said Serizawa. She stared at his phone for a while before she pushed it away.
"Good. He should be after what he did." Said Miss Suzuki
"I…um…." Said Serizawa
"I mean….I don't even know why…you like Mukai, right?" asked Miss Suzuki
"Of course I do! She's adorable!" said Serizawa. He liked questions like that, questions that he didn't have to think too hard about. He didn't know who would have disliked Little Miss Suzuki, she was the most adorable two year old that he had ever met…she was also the only two year old that he had ever met….but he got the feeling that she was particularly adorable.
"Yeah, she is, she really is…and dad…he just….I don't know. He didn't want her and…and he said that she was a mistake." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa…must have heard wrong. The President…how could he have said something like that about his own kid? He…wasn't always the nicest person in the world…but still. That was…a lot….not a good a lot…
"Did he…why did he say that?" asked Serizawa
"I don't know! I don't know how he could say that about a person he made…about my sister…and she's my sister! I have a sister and everyone kept her a secret and dad…he didn't even want her….and how could he make a person and not want her?! How do you accidentally make a person!?" asked Miss Suzuki
"Do you…mean…how people are made…or?" asked Serizawa. He hadn't liked the yelling at all but he gladly would have sat there and let her yell at him all night if it meant that he didn't have to talk about…all of that. They had told him at school…and mom had given him a book…and then there were all the things on the internet that he hoped Miss Suzuki never found out about….but he did not want to talk about THAT with HER!
"No! That's…gross. My dad and some woman who wasn't my mom…and even with my mom….just…that is really f-wording gross!" said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa nodded. He agreed. Parents…they were not allowed to do that…well they were, that was how they became parents, but he didn't want to think about his mom ever doing stuff like that. It was really f-wording gross. She was right about that.
"You're right." Said Serizawa
"I know. That's one of the worst parts. I just…I know that adults are supposed to do that…and I know that's how I got here…and it would be less gross if that was my mom…like…I wouldn't have to…think about it." Said Miss Suzuki
"Why do you have to think about it?" asked Serizawa. If he had been in her shoes…blue Frozen socks with the individual toes…then he would have done everything he could not to think about it. Like she had said, the whole thing was really f-wording gross.
"Because…I just…I want to know who her mom is. I mean…some lady tricked my dad and…and now I have a little sister and…and it's whoever Mukai's mom….the one who grew her…it's her fault! All of this is her fault. If she had just left my dad alone, or paid attention to the wedding ring he always wears, then none of this would have happened…but then I want…I like having a sister. For my whole life I've wanted a little sister and now I have one and…and I love Mukai and…and I just…I wish that she had come from mom!" said Miss Suzuki
"Um…." Said Serizawa. He didn't know what to say to that. This entire thing was way too far out of his experience. He just…well he liked Mukai and…and if he had been allowed to have an opinion on this, he wasn't because this was not his family, he would have said that he didn't care where Mukai came from or who cheated on who or who tricked who. He would have just been happy to have her in his life as his little sister….but he didn't get to have an opinion on this since Little Miss Suzuki was not his sister…and also the President was not his father…and the President's wife was not his mother…and also his mother was too old to have another kid…right?
He…didn't know…if he wanted another brother or sister…but this was not about him.
"I mean…I don't know. Sometimes I wish that my mom would come back and…and we could be a family again…but sometimes I wish that…that she was in some far off place. Like a deserted island or deep in the jungle or something…some place where she's stuck…but not hurt, just stuck, so she can't come back….because…sometimes I'm mad at her. She just…she didn't even leave a note when she left and…and if she had….if she had been Mukai's mom then maybe this would have been ok…because she would have come back." Said Miss Suzuki
"But why would she have come back just to have a baby and leave it?" asked Serizawa. Based on her aura…and the way that she put that….whatever she was smoking….out on his rug he got the feeling that he might have said the wrong thing.
"Exactly. Who does that? Who….some lady made my family worse. She tricked my dad…or something….and now he's gone because of what he did…and what he said…and I don't even know why he would cheat on my mom for anyway. He said that he missed her every day and…an if he missed her so bad then he must have known that if he cheated on her then she would never come back…and I don't know why he would have done something so dumb…maybe because kissing and stuff feels really good? No…that's gross. I just….I just don't get it. I don't get why any of this had to happen." Said Miss Suzuki. She was sad, there, he could tell…and he had to think up something to say…because she was looking at him like she expected him to say something….and he just…he had to find words…
And now!
"Maybe she…didn't trick him? Maybe they were in love and…and your sister came along as an accident…and then the lady ran away because she knew that if she stuck around then your mom would never come back…but she left the baby because….she wanted you and your brother to have a baby sister?" asked Serizawa. That…had mostly been taken from various games that he'd played and movies he'd seen….but art imitated life….right?
"Serizawa….either I'm really high or none of that made any sense at all." said Miss Suzuki. She reached over and took a long drink of the strawberry milk that she had started…that was her last one…maybe he needed to get her another one….
At least he understood that.
"I….um…" said Serizawa as he pulled at the collar of his sweatshirt. He…had no idea how he was supposed to answer that. The room was all smoky and her eyes were red…also there were a lot of empty strawberry milk bottles on the floor…she had been really thirsty…so she might have just been high…but then again he had no clue what he was even taking about
"I mean…dad is in love with mom and…and you can't be in love with two people at once…right?" asked Miss Suzuki
"I don't know. I've never been in love." Said Serizawa. He's liked girls before, back when he went to school, and he'd really liked…well actresses and game characters…and anime girls…but they weren't real. Well actresses were but he would never meet them…or any girls…so he had no idea how many people you could be in love with at once. People fell in love with multiple people all the time on TV and stuff…but he got the feeling that art did not imitate life.
"I have…but only with one person at once…or maybe two. I don't know. I never thought that I would see Teru again, that's the boy I was in love with, but so I feel in love with Ha-with someone else…and then I feel out of love with him…and then I feel in love with Teru again….so I guess that people can fall in and out of love all the time…and I guess that people can fall in love with more than one person at once too. That's why Shimazaki and Minegishi have the rule that they can only be in love with each other but they can kiss…and do all the other stuff…with other people….so I guess that adults are complicated like that." Said Miss Suzuki
"That sounds very complicated." Said Serizawa. He was kind of glad that he didn't have anyone that he could have been in love with…it sounded like more trouble than it was worth…but he was very happy for Miss Suzuki! She was in love….good for her!
"I think so too….and….and I don't know which is worse. Dad doing…gross stuff…with some lady because he's a bad person and he just thought about wanting to feel…stuff like that…or him falling in love with someone who isn't my mom. I just…don't like to think about this….but I can't stop thinking about it…and stuff." Said Miss Suzuki
"Um…maybe you should…think about something else?" asked Serizawa. He wished that he could take that back. He had heard it before, a million times before, that he should just think about something else when his brain was going a mile a minute and his powers were going out of control. Mom had even said that to him, 'try thinking about something else, Katsuya', and…and it never worked…and he had always told himself that he would never say that to anyone else….
But here he was.
"You're right. Come on, let's get stoned and figure out the point of this game." Said Miss Suzuki. She reached into her bag and pulled out her silver cigarette case…and she had a lot of those thin white ones….and he didn't really want to smoke all of those…or even some of them…but he loved Miss Suzuki and if this was what would make her feel better then he would smoke with her.
He knew how he felt about this…and what he felt didn't matter…so long as he was making her happy.