Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

THE LOST YEARS
(R)

CHAPTER TWO

For a long moment, Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed and tried to make sense of what had happened. His first thought had been that he had hurt her, but now a terrible thought was emerging in his mind that maybe someone else, at some time, had done so. Images of his life with Kathryn flashed before his eyes, all of them validating that thought in some way...her introversion, her reactions to his closeness or his touch, her lack of self-care, the night clothes she had worn on New Earth, her reluctance to let anyone get close to her... It had all been there but he had just been too blind to see it. And now that he did, he didn't want to see it. But he had too, he had to face this.

Slowly he got to his feet, put on his boxer shorts, and went over to the bathroom door. He knocked the door and called out.

"Kathryn?"

No answer.

He tried the handle, but the door was locked.

"Kathryn," he said again. "I'm worried about you. Please...Open the door."

Nothing.

"Please, Kathryn."

Still nothing. Chakotay studied the digitized lock and tried to remember the emergency access number they'd been given. 235...something. He tried a couple of combinations to no avail, but at the third attempt the door opened. Chakotay stepped into the room and looked around. For a moment he couldn't see Kathryn, but then his eyes located her. She was sitting in a corner of the room weeping, her back against the wall, hugging her knees. Pain knifed Chakotay's heart at the sight of her. He had never seen her like this before, had never seen anyone cry like this before... Picking up her robe that was hanging on a hook next to his, he slowly went over to her and knelt beside her.

"Kathryn," he whispered. "My love..."

He put the robe around her and Kathryn clutched it, drawing it close. "I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's alright," Chakotay replied, not knowing what else to say, even if it was apparent that things were far from alright. "Just hold to me..."

Kathryn leant against him and Chakotay gathered her in his arms, cradling her against him.

For a long time Kathryn wept, every painful sob racking her thin body, but at last her tears ebbed and she lay still in his arms.

"I didn't know I would react that way," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry..."

"Don't apologize," Chakotay replied kindly. "You've done nothing wrong..."

At that, Kathryn drew slightly away from him. "You've guessed, haven't you? I mean why..."

"Yes," Chakotay said sadly. "Something bad happened to you."

Kathryn nodded. "I thought I'd dealt with it, you know? Put it behind me. But I clearly haven't..."

Chakotay brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I wish you'd told me, Kathryn. You shouldn't have tried to deal with this alone."

"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to bother you with it and didn't want it to change how you feel for me."

"Nothing could change how I feel for you, nothing at all. I love you, so very very much. You should have told me. You should have told me a long time ago."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn whispered.

There were those words again.

"But you can tell me now," Chakotay replied. "That is if you're up to it..."

Kathryn nodded. "I am. I'm better now."

Chakotay kissed her forehead softly. "I'll go and replicate us a coffee and we can talk in the living room."

He got to his feet, collected his robe, and then began to put it on. As he did so, Kathryn got to her feet and put on her own robe.

"Thank you," she said, watching Chakotay closely.

Chakotay turned to her. "What for?"

"For all this...For not being angry with me."

Chakotay tied the belt on his robe and then closed the distance between them. "There's nothing to be angry about. Not with you..." He was as angry as hell with whoever had hurt her. "What happened wasn't your fault. I love you and I'm here for you."

Kathryn smiled, tears in her eyes.

Chakotay kissed her forehead again. "Come through when you're ready."

With that he left the room, leaving Kathryn alone. As the door shut behind him, Kathryn shivered. His presence, his love, was like a light banishing the dark shadows of her soul. Now he was gone, she felt them close in on her and choke her.

When Kathryn arrived in the living room, she found Chakotay standing by the window, gazing absently at the black winter outside. In his hands he held a cup of steaming coffee and there were black slippers on his feet. He turned around when he heard Kathryn come in and gestured to the crystal heart table. There was a steaming silver pot upon a tray and an empty mug of smoky glass.

"I replicated a pot of black coffee. Help yourself."

Kathryn went over to the table and picked up the pot. She was still trembling and her hand was unsteady as she poured the black liquid into the cup.

Chakotay slowly made his way from the window to the sofa and was just about to sit down when Kathryn hastily put down the pot in her hands and looked up at him urgently.

"I've changed my mind," she said, hardly able to get the words out quickly enough. " I don't want to talk about this. Let's just pretend it never happened." Tears filled her eyes. "Let's just go back to the bedroom and make love..."

Chakotay took a deep breath and then put down his cup of coffee on the table. "We can't pretend this never happened, Kathryn. We have to deal with this."

"But what is there to deal with? My step-uncle abused me and it screwed me up, no pun intended. What more can be said? Please, let's just go back to the bedroom..."

Blood drained out of Chakotay's face and he said nothing, just stared at her with infinite pain in his eyes.

Kathryn swallowed at his reaction. "Chakotay?"

Clenching his fists and teeth he paced the floor before turning around. "Please tell me he's dead, Kathryn," he said angrily, "or I'm afraid I will kill him."

"He's dead," Kathryn answered. "He died in a safari accident when I was fourteen."

Chakotay's anger subsided a little at that and he walked towards her, taking a deep breath, desperately trying to compose himself.

"How old where you when he...?" He couldn't say the words.

"I don't remember exactly," Kathryn replied. "About six or seven. But he didn't, you know, until I was eleven. Until then he would, you know, do things, make me...use my body in whatever way he could..."

Her words made Chakotay feel sick and he put his hand to his mouth. "Excuse me."

He hurried into the bedroom and Kathryn heard him throw up in the bathroom. She looked in the direction of the room pitifully and then made her way to him.

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said, taking a drink of water in the bathroom. "I just..."

"I know," Kathryn replied, going over to him. "You're a good, gentle, loving man. You'd give your life to protect a child. The thought of someone doing something like this...I know it's hard for you." She put her hand on his arm, his need giving her strength, just like the needs of others always did. "But you know now. We don't have to go into the details. Telling you them won't change what happened."

Chakotay put his glass of water down. "I want you to tell me everything, Kathryn. We need to talk about this. I just...I wasn't expecting it. I thought what we were talking about was a random rape or the Cardassians...Not that those aren't serious things, but I didn't think...I didn't think child abuse." He paused, tears flooding his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and fidgeted with her fingers.

"For most people their happiest childhood memory is a day at a fair or taking a ride in a star ship or something like that. For me it was the day I was told my step-uncle had died. It meant I was free...finally I was free." A tear ran down her cheek. "I didn't always understand what he was doing, but I always knew it was wrong, and when he...the pain...the pain it was just...the most horrific pain I've ever experienced. But I was too scared to tell anyone...he made sure of that." She paused. "I have all this ugliness in my head, Chakotay...terrible memories. I don't want to fill your head with them too. You've had too much pain in your life. You don't deserve this and I don't want you to have to deal with it."

Chakotay reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "The last thing I want is for you to worry about me. What I want is for you to share this with me, to tell me everything. This isn't your issue any more, it's ours, and we'll deal with it together."

Kathryn looked up at him. "But are you sure, Chakotay? The ugliness it's like...it's like a poison. The turmoil in my head sometimes it's...it's not something I'm sure I want to share, least of all with you. If I tell you what I've been through, what I've felt, then you might not understand. People don't, generally, understand." She turned away from him. "What I mean is...like...when we were stranded on New Earth, I was afraid that you would rape me. I know now you would never do such a thing but then...but then I didn't." She turned back to him. "Can you deal with that? Can you deal with the fact that I thought you could be like him?"

Chakotay slowly closed the gap between them. "Trust isn't intrinsic, Kathryn, it has to be earned. You had every reason to be wary of me, even if you hadn't been through what you have. Distrust in moderation isn't always a bad thing. It can be a good form of self-protection. It's also a necessary trait in every captain. A person who operates on the premise that everyone can be trusted until proven otherwise would have killed us all within six months of being in the Delta Quadrant. We have to earn someone's trust and I'm glad that I earned the trust of both the captain and the woman."

Kathryn looked at him almost in disbelief. "You're not angry or offended at all?"

"Not at all," Chakotay said kindly. "I half suspected, anyway. Not about your past, but your wariness of me. You were wearing enough night clothes to go on a tour of the Antarctic."

At that Kathryn smiled a little and then laughed softly. "I suppose I was." She then fell serious. "Not everyone would be so understanding. I haven't dated many men, less than a handful in fact, but there was someone before Mark that I spent some time with and he didn't understand at all. He'd invited me over to dinner at his place and everything was going so well until we started kissing. It was only our first date and we didn't know each other very well, not like you and I do, so I didn't think he would want more than that. But he had other ideas and assumed we would spend the night together. He lay over me on the sofa, which I wasn't exactly comfortable with but went along with anyway,but when he began to undo my blouse I just freaked out. He was stunned for a moment and then asked what was wrong with me. I said I just wanted to go home and left as soon as I could. The next day I felt really guilty about what had happened and went to see him. I really liked him and hoped we could put it behind us, but he was less than welcoming. He said I was seriously messed up and needed to get my head sorted before I got involved with anyone else. He said no man wants a frigid woman who thinks them capable of rape. I tried to explain that I didn't think he was like that, but he wouldn't listen. He said it was obvious what I thought of him and he didn't want to date someone who could think him capable of that." She paused. "I never went on a date again. I couldn't face it. Mark and I just kind of happened."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said sincerely. "He shouldn't have treated you that way. If he really cared for you he would have stuck around."

"But he was right," Kathryn continued. "How many men would be prepared to deal with that? There is such darkness in my head, so much..." She paused. "Who could experience that darkness and still want to be with me?"

"Me for one," Chakotay said, taking her trembling hands in his. "There's a darkness inside all of us. It's a rare person who goes through life without damage of some kind. You're an amazing woman, Kathryn, the most amazing woman I've ever known. The most amazing person. You're so courgagous, so clever, so compassionate..." He gently put his hand to her cheek. "And I love you so very much. We'll get through this. Together."

Kathryn saw his sincerity in his eyes and slowly leant into him, leaning her head on his broad shoulder. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

END OF CHAPTER TWO