Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

THE LOST YEARS
(R)

CHAPTER FOUR

Kathryn watched as the registrar, a tall woman with long brown hair and blue eyes, held out a pad and an electronic pen to Chakotay.

"Please read and sign where highlighted."

Chakotay began to read the displayed document and then positioned the pen to sign.

"No..." Kathryn cried as he was just about to sign.

Chakotay's tired eyes flew to her face.

"Kathryn?"

"I've changed my mind. I want us to stay married."

A light shone in the depths of Chakotay's eyes. "You do?"

Kathryn nodded. "Yes. I mean, if you do."

The registrar interrupted. "If either of you have any doubts about this union then now is the time to act on them. Once you have consummated your marriage, then getting an annulment will be very difficult. You will most likely have to file for divorce."

Kathryn made no reply to that. She had a million doubts, if not a billion, but all she knew was that when Chakotay was about to sign away their marriage, a terrible pain had knifed her heart. She didn't want to give up on their marriage so soon. Besides, in her mind, the difference between an annulment and a divorce was just an ancient technicality anyway.

"I have no doubts," Chakotay answered.

The registrar addressed Kathryn. "Admiral?"

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and smiled softly as she caught his eyes. "Neither do I."

"Well, then," the registrar smiled, "I guess you won't be needing this..." She took the padd from Chakotay and pressed a button at the base of it. "Annulment request file deleted."

"What made you change your mind?" Chakotay asked, closing the door behind them as they returned to their suite.

"I'm not sure exactly," Kathryn replied, turning towards him. "I just knew that when it came down to it that I couldn't go through with it. I too meant every single vow I made to you today...for better and for worse. And you were right. I couldn't mean them any more a second time." Tears welled in her eyes. "You once said to me that sometimes we have to accept what life has dealt us, that we have to find the good in it and move on. All my life I've wanted everything to be perfect and felt I'd failed if it wasn't, but nothing can ever be perfect. Life doesn't work that way. We just have to be grateful for the perfect moments we get along the way, and our wedding today was one of those."

"It certainly was," Chakotay answered, closing the gap between them. "But life doesn't have to be about settling for second best or a few moments of happiness in an otherwise existence of pain. It should be the other way around. If you want another wedding, Kathryn, I'm happy to have one."

"I don't," she said. "When we were pronounced husband and wife it was the happiest moment of my life. No one can take that moment away from us."

Chakotay gently put his hand to her cheek. "I'm going to devote every day of my life to making you happy, Kathryn. I promise you."

"You already do, Chakotay. More than you know. I just hope that I can make you happy. But I'm going to try, Chakotay, with all that I am. Over the past few years you've seen the worst of the captain but you haven't seen the best of Kathryn, and I promise you that from now on that's what you're going to get."

"As you are of me," Chakotay replied. "I love you so much, Kathryn."

"I love you."

They embraced warmly and then Kathryn drew away. "Do you know what I would like right now?"

"Tell me," Chakotay replied.

"A delicious hot chocolate topped with vanilla ice cream and fudge pieces."

"Sounds wonderful. I'll replicate us one each."

"No," Kathryn protested, raising her hand, "you go and sit down and let me weight on you for a change."

"Alright," he replied.

He went to sit down and Kathryn went over to the replicator. In no time at all she had replicated their desired treat, complete with a long spoon, and carried them over to the sofa.

"Thank you," Chakotay said as Kathryn handed him a hot chocolate. "Looks even more delicious than it sounded."

Kathryn sat beside him, curled up her legs and leant towards him. "How would you like to go skiing tomorrow?"

"I'd love to," Chakotay replied, dipping into his mountain of ice-cream.

"The slopes here are supposed to be amongst the best. I'll admit I'm a little rusty, but that's half the fun."

"There's an ice-skating competition at the weekend in the local arena. We could try to get some tickets if you'd like."

"Oh yes please, "Kathryn answered. "I adore ice-skating. It takes such skill and yet is so graceful at the same time. It's very similar to ballet in many ways, but the feet position and body weight distribution are different because of the skates. I used to go ice-skating with my cousins every now and then, but wound up horizontal on the ice more than I was anywhere near graceful on the skates."

Chakotay smiled, but there was a haunting pain in his eyes.

"I know what you're thinking," Kathryn said. "You're feeling sorry for me because..." She paused. "But it wasn't' all bad, my childhood. I have some very fond memories. In many ways, I was one of the lucky ones."

Chakotay almost choked on the words. "How do you make that out?"

"Well, I had a mother and a father who loved me, a wonderful little sister, even if she was a pain sometimes, and an aunt who adored me. I had a stable, loving, home, whereas many children who are abused don't have that. And I was lucky in that there were relatively few opportunities for my uncle to be alone with me. Some children are abused week in and week out, some by their own parents. My parents would never have done anything to hurt me." Tears welled in her eyes. "And it could have been Phoebe, you know? I'm glad that if it had to be one of us, it was me."

"But it shouldn't have been either of you," Chakotay replied, anger beginning to knot inside. "Dammit..." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry...I just..."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "But it will be okay, Chakotay. Next time when we, you know, I won't react. And I don't want you to think about this anymore. It's my problem to deal with and I don't want it to change how you feel about me."

Chakotay put his drink down on the table. "I've told you, Kathryn. Nothing could change how I feel about you. But we can't pretend this has never happened. We have to deal with it, together. This isn't your problem, it's our problem."

"But it does change how you feel," Kathryn argued. "I can see it in your eyes and how you are with me. You look at me now with so much pain in your eyes, so much pity. And I don't want you to look at me that way. I want you to look at me with the same sparkle and passion in your eyes that you used too."

"This has been a shock, Kathryn," Chakotay explained. "I had no idea about any of this. Child abuse it's...it's something we all know goes on but not something we want to think about or have to come to terms with having happened to someone you love." He paused. "I always sensed a vulnerability about you that others didn't seem too, a vulnerability that made me want to protect you, and I always sensed a deep and profound pain, but I never suspected anything like this. The thought crossed my mind that maybe you'd been raped by the Cardassians when you were held by them or maybe in another situation, but I suppose I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. But all the signs were there and I should have read them. I'm sorry."

Kathryn reached for his hand. "How could you know, Chakotay? As you said before, I had every reason to doubt you and some captains would have doubted you even more than I did. There's no way you could have known. Not even Tuvok knows, at least I don't think so. He may have seen something during a mind meld, I don't know. The Doctor doesn't know either as I never reported what my uncle did for it to be on my medical file."

"I just feel like I let you down," Chakotay said quietly. "I should have questioned you with my suspicions, not pushed them aside in favor of more palatable explanations."

"You've never let me down, Chakotay. We can all think how we should have done things differently with the benefit of hindsight, but when we're living through them...You didn't know and I didn't tell you. If you suspected, then for every suspicion there must been a hundred others. I was evasive with you, sometimes contradictory. There's no way you could have guessed this."

"You're right," Chakotay replied. "It's very difficult to guess what someone else is thinking or going through, even when we know everything about them. But the more I think about it, the more clear the signs were. That incident, for example, when we were alone together one of the first times on Voyager...I should have remembered that..."

Kathryn frowned. "What incident?"

"When we were alone together in your ready room and unexpected turbulence threw us both to the floor."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I remember now."

She had hit her head as she fell to the floor and had bruised her side against her desk. For a few seconds she had been rendered unconscious and woken to find Chakotay leaning over her, undoing her uniform. In panic she had pulled away from him and got to her feet, ignoring the agony in her ribs.

"I was undressing you because with communication and transporters offline, I couldn't contact the doctor or get you to sickbay, so had to treat you myself. But you clearly thought that..." He paused, clenched his fists. "I was annoyed with you for not letting me treat you, thinking it was because you wanted to get back to the bridge, when all the time..." He got to his feet and wandered over to the window. "Dammit, I've been so blind..."

Kathryn got up and joined him at the window. "You're being too hard on yourself, Chakotay. I don't know how I would have got through the Voyager years without you. I don't think that I would have got through. You were my rock., my shelter, my harbor. All my life I've battled with feelings of not wanting to live anymore. Not so much that I wanted to kill myself, just that I didn't want to go on living. And I went through that on Voyager too. I couldn't help think that it was all my fault that we were stranded and that the crew would be better off if you or Tuvok was in charge. If a mission came along that involved a heroic death then that seemed the perfect escape." She paused. "But you were always there to stop me. Sometimes I hated you for it, but you were there."

Chakotay turned to her slowly, tears in his eyes. "I just wish I had done more. I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm sorry that the first and only time you trusted me with a massage, I...I reacted..."

"So did I," Kathryn replied. "When you touched me I felt...I felt like flutters inside, like there was a power running from your fingers into me. But then you stopped and I realized I'd got carried away and...and I felt so ashamed."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay replied, "that I made you feel that way. I only wanted to help you, to ease your pain. The last thing I wanted was to make you uncomfortable. I loved you so much, Kathryn, and being so close to you, to finally be able to touch you, it was...it was intoxicating."

"It wasn't you, Chakotay. It was me. I couldn't handle what was happening between us. I'd been attracted to men before and felt some of the same kind of flutters when they touched me, but never felt them as intensely as when I was close to you. And it was the feelings that made me feel ashamed, not you. Most of the time when he would touch me I would detach myself from what was happening, like I wasn't there, but sometimes it was..." She paused painfully. "It felt good. Somehow he always knew when that was and would afterwards make me feel guilty and ashamed for having liked it." A tear ran down her cheek. "He made me feel dirty...that my body was dirty...that touching and being touched was dirty...and it's so hard to change that. I mean, in a sexual sense. I'm okay with touching people affectionately, in fact have always gone to great lengths to make sure that I do...some kind of overcompensation, I suppose, I don't know. It's not uncommon for someone with these kind of issues to appear to be the most affectionate person in public. The hardest part for me isn't so much in touching others, it's being touched myself. Justin and I never got particularly far because of both our problems, but sometimes we would lie together on grass or sand and he would affectionately stroke my body. I liked how it felt, and yet...and yet I felt uncomfrotable...dirty somehow for liking it. I can't really talk about my experience with Mark because we'd only been dating a short time and hadn't done much more than kissing. I was okay with that, the kissing...well, almost. It was still difficult because he was a very sensual kisser and would stir feelings inside me that I didn't understand and wanted to control. I preferred him to kiss my neck as I could detach myself a little more from that, but didn't always succeed because it felt so good."

"A woman's neck is erogenous," Chakotay said sadly. "Kissing there is meant to be pleasurable."

"That was one area of biology I ignored," Kathryn confessed quietly. "I wasn't interested in learning about sexual biology or mating behaviors or anything like that. I just wanted to forget that sex existed most of the time. I only did the minimum course requirements in biology and avoided any course options relating to human sexuality. I focussed all my efforts on physics and mathematics." She looked up at him. "It's a good thing you were around when that swarm decided it wanted to mate with Voyager."

Chakotay made no reply, just looked at her sadly. He wanted to comfort her, wanted so much to take all this pain away, but words seemed inadequate. Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she turned away.

"I don't know if I can be like other women, Chakotay. When I think of sex I think of pain and fear and being controlled. It has no positive associations for me. Other women are passionate and sensual where as I'm...I don't know if I can enjoy it...being touched..." A tear ran down her cheek. "And yet I want to be. A part of me longs to know what is it like with someone who loves me. I got a taste of it tonight when you tried to make love to me and it was..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "So pleasurable. More so than anything he ever did to me. I don't know why I reacted because I love you and trust you and I wanted it for us so much..."

She wept softly and Chakotay gathered her close.

"It was too much too soon, Kathryn," Chakotay answered. "Like trying to run before you can walk. We need to take baby steps first."

"That will be so unfair on you."

"Not at all. I love you, Kathryn, and I want to help you." He paused, knowing how much Kathryn hated to be helped by anyone in anything. "What I mean is...I want to support you through this."

"It's okay," Kathryn said, raising herself slightly to look at him. "You can say help. Because you're right, I do need help."

Chakotay caressed her arm. "I also think it would be a good idea for us to talk to someone...a counselor." He had taken a holo psychology and counseling course on Voyager so that he could offer confidential counseling to any crew-member who wanted to talk, so he had a pretty good idea of what Kathryn was going through and what she needed, but he felt they could both benefit from professional therapy.

Kathryn lowered her eyes and nodded. "I know I should have seen a counselor a long time ago, but I couldn't face it. I didn't want to talk about it...with anyone."

"I understand," Chakotay replied. "And I know it must have been difficult to tell me tonight. I'm really proud of you."

At that, Kathryn looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I didn't want too, but now I'm glad I have. I just wish..." A tear ran down her cheek. "What if it happens again? I really have no positive associations, and after what happened tonight, I have another bad one. What if it keeps happening?"

"Then we'll deal with it. But if we take things slowly, build you up to a level where you're not only comfortable with being touched but can enjoy it, then it will be a whole different experience for you."

At these words, Kathryn broke away from him and turned towards the window in frustration. "This is so pathetic. I must be the most pathetic woman on the planet...in the whole Federation."

"You're not pathetic, Kathryn," Chakotay responded. "You're amazing. I've always admired you profoundly, and now, knowing all this, I admire your achievements all the more...Everyone goes through something in their life where they need the help and support of someone who loves them to get through it, and everyone has some skeleton in the closet, no matter who they are. We all have strengths and weaknesses and we all need to use our strengths to helps the weaknesses in others. To have this issue after what you've been through, doesn't make you weak. It makes you human."

He turned her gently to him.

"What you went through as a child is as different from making love as drinking a steaming cup of hot coffee is to having it thrown in your face. But if all a person knows of coffee is the pain of the burn, how can they appreciate the flavor? It would take a lot of courage for that person to sample the coffee again in the hope of discovering the pleasure of the taste. That we're here together, that you're willing to deal with this, shows just what a strong and courageous woman you are. You want to beat this, and that is half the battle."

"I do," she replied. "I want to be what you need and I want to be like other women."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "I don't want you to think about me, Kathryn. I want you to think only about what you need."

"But I know, from him, that...you know...the act is very pleasurable for the man...that he needs that release. Women enjoy giving men that release and I want to be able to aswell."

For a moment her words rendered Chakotay speechless, then he found his voice. "Is that what you think, Kathryn? That sex is about giving men release?"

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.

Chakotay turned away from her, leant against the window frame, and took a deep breath, trying desperately to absorb this.

"I...I've offended you," Kathryn said quietly. "I told you I would...I told you it's ugly in my head..."

At that Chakotay turned back to her. "No," he said honestly. "You haven't offended me. I just...I wasn't expecting that." He reached out and put his hands on her shoulders. "Making love is no less pleasurable for a woman. Women feel the same pleasure too. With a gentle and considerate lover, perhaps even more..."

Kathryn looked at him helplessly, almost in mortification.

"But we'll get to that intensity slowly," he continued. "That is if you want too. We don't ever have to do anything that you don't want to do. I'm happy to just be with you, to show you affection in whatever way you're comfortable with."

"I do," Kathryn whispered, "want too." Tears filled her eyes. "I love you so much, Chakotay."

Chakotay tenderly brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I love you too."

Kathryn leant into his strong body and Chakotay held her close. They held each other a long time, both cherishing the closeness of the other.

Eventually, Kathryn drew away. "Your chocolate will have gone cold," she said, looking in the direction of the abandoned delights. "Shall I replicate you another one?"

"I'm okay," he answered. "Thank you. But I'll join you if you're having one."

"I'm okay too," she replied. "And it must be gone midnight by now. I think we should get some rest."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll replicate a couple of blanket and set myself up on the couch."

Kathryn's face fell at that. "The couch? But I thought...?"

Chakotay caught her drift. "Are you saying you would like us to share the bed?"

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "I mean...if you want too...if you're comfortable..."

"Of course. The question is would you be comfortable?"

"Absolutely," Kathryn answered. "I want you beside me."

Chakotay took her hand in his and kissed it. "Then I'll be there."

END OF CHAPTER FOUR