Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures

THE LOST YEARS
(R)

CHAPTER FIVE

Wearing a long, low-cut, nightdress of blue satin, Kathryn stepped out of the bathroom into the bedroom. The lamp lights were low, casting a soft warm glow around the room, and the curtains on the window were closed. Chakotay was sitting in a chair by the bed, dressed in black satin pyjamas, and was looking through a local brochure. When he heard Kathryn enter, he put down the brochure and got to his feet.

"I've remade the bed," he said, gesturing towards it. "Choose a side."

Kathryn went over to the luxurious four poster bed and selected the left side. "I'll take this one," she said...if that's alright with you."

"Absolutely fine with me," Chakotay smiled. "It's actually the side I was hoping you'd pick."

Kathryn looked up at him at that and smiled warmly. Then she pulled back the covers, climbed into the bed and began to draw the curtains around it.

"Like sleeping in a cocoon," Chakotay said as he climbed in opposite her.

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "We'll be as snug as a bug in a rug."

Chakotay drew the curtain at his side and then lay down. When she'd finished drawing the curtains, Kathryn lay beside him and leant slightly over him.

"I'm so happy we're married," she said, looking deep into his eyes. "I know that tonight wasn't anythign what we wnted it to be, but right now I'm happy, I really am."

Chakotay gently put his hand to her cheek. "So am I."

Kathryn smiled and then snuggled up beside him, laying her head on his chest. "I never really thought it would happen to me," she said reflectively, "that I would get married. All the girls at school would talk about the kind of wedding they wanted, but I just didn't want to think about it. Every time I thought of, you know, I felt like I was going to be sick." She paused, the memory of those confused and lonely years hurting. "I wished I was dead most of the time because I didn't want a future of what existed then. And I didn't see how it was going to change. I saw him in every man I met and I had so much pain inside me that everything was so twisted in my head...maybe it still is."

"In what sense?" Chakotay asked, wanting her to elaborate.

"The physical," she answered quietly. "I got it in my head that the physical was all a man wanted from a woman...was all he would want from me. And while I know now that isn't the case, not with all men, I still have so much confusion in my head about what it means...the physical..." Her voice fell to a whisper. "What it means to you..."

"Making love with the woman I love," he said gently. "Giving and receiving physical affection and pleasure in the most intimate and tender of ways."

"But there isn't always love," Kathryn replied, raising herself to look at him again. "And you've had women before that you didn't love."

"Yes," Chakotay said sadly, "but only when I was young and foolish and didn't know any better. As I grew up I changed and was only ever intimate with women I cared about."

Kathryn drew away from him and sat up, hugging her knees. "I bet they were good," she said painfully. "Especially Seska..." Tears filled her eyes. "How can I ever be like her?"

Chakotay sat up beside her. "Why would you want to be? Seska was cold and manipulative and everything between us was a lie. You're nothing like her and I thank the spirits for it."

Kathryn turned towards him. "But it's only natural that you'll compare me to her and...and to the others...And I can't compare..."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "No, you can't. Because what I had with other women in the past doesn't come within a million light years of what I have with you. You can't compare because there's no comparison." He paused. "What I had in the past it's like...It's like what I was telling you about the coffee...about how making love with someone you love is like drinking a cup of steaming hot coffee rather than having it thrown in your face. In between that there's the drinking of luke-warm and cold coffee...the different degrees of intimacy without love. I've tasted that many times, sometimes luke-warm, sometimes cold, but never rich hot steaming coffee." He took Kathryn's hand in hers. "And that's what it means for us...drinking the finest, richest, coffee that could ever exist."

Kathryn looked at him with so much longing and yet so much pain. "I want to taste it," she said quietly. "I want it so much for you..."

"For both of us," Chakotay corrected her.

Kathryn nodded. "For both of us." A tear ran down her cheek. "I don't understand what I feel sometimes...don't understand the power. Because when I'm with you it's like...You take my breath away. So many times on Voyager I found myself gazing at you and wanting to touch you and while it felt so right it also felt so wrong...so dirty...and I felt so ashamed and guilty."

"Then you shouldn't have," Chakotay said sadly. "I'm glad you found me attractive and would have been happy for you to gaze at me and touch me all you wanted. It felt right because it was. There was nothing wrong in what you felt for me, nothing at all."

"But you were my First Officer and my friend. I shouldn't have thought of you that way..."

"You were in love with me, Kathryn," Chakotay said gently. "Please don't ever be sorry for that. Having you being in love with me it means...it means everything. And I felt the same for you. There were times when I would look at you and I could hardly breathe. We loved each other, Kathryn. There is nothing dirty or shameful in that. What we feel for each other is good and proper and true." He paused. "I'm only sorry I didn't know any of this. If I had, then we could have talked like this a long time ago and you could have been spared a lot of this pain." He squeezed her hand. "Tell me honestly, Kathryn. Was this...what happened to you... a part of the reason you wouldn't get involved with me on Voyager?"

"I don't know," Kathryn answered. "And that's the truth, Chakotay. If none of this had happened, if I'd been like other women, then yes, maybe I would have got involved with you, but I don't know. I just...I couldn't. On the one hand you were my First Officer, but on the other you were also my prisoner...officially in my custody at least. There may have been no official rule on whether a Captain and First Officer could get involved in our circumstances, but plenty on getting involved with those in custody... Sometimes it seemed like it didn't matter, that we were so far away from home that nothing about Starfeet rules and regulations really mattered anymore, but other times, most of the time..." She paused. "If I'd have got involved with you then it would have looked like I was weak, that I had no self-control, that I would have slept with anyone just to sleep with someone. And I would have felt more dirty and ashamed than I did already." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I loved you, Chakotay. Even when I didn't know what else I felt, I knew that."

Chakotay looked at her sadly. Clearly their command situation on Voyager had done nothing to help her problems and had possibly made them worse.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry that our positions confused things further for you. After everything you'd been through, you shouldn't have had to deal with that."

"It hurt," Kathryn replied, "but I think it helped too. Our positions gave me something to hide behind, a good reason to keep a distant between us. If we hadn't of met in the situation that we did, if we hadn't by circumstance been made to work so closely together all those years, then maybe we'd never have come tofeel what we did for each other. If I hadn't of come to love you, if I hadn't of seen just how much you really cared for me, then maybe I would never have had the courage to get involved with you. It took me years after Justin died to be able to entertain the thought of being with someone else because if my trust in men hadn't been damaged enough by my childhood, then it certainly was after he died as I was terrified of loving only to lose again. That only date I had after him ended up a complete disaster, and I just couldn't go through it all again. I'd known Mark virtually all my life and I wasn't at all scared with him. When he said he cared for me more than a friend and would like us to be more than friends, I was okay with that, welcomed it even because he was the only man I could really trust. And I did love him, I really did. I just...I don't think I was ever in love with him, not really. I think I wanted to be." She paused. "I guess what I'm saying is that I needed those years and all that happened between us to get to know you and to trust you."

"I can understand that," Chakotay said sincerely. "I just wish I could have been more use to you...taken away more of your pain..."

"You did, Chakotay. You took so much of it. And I know it must have seemed like I was taking you for granted sometimes, but I was thankful for you every moment of every day. I mean it when I say I don't think I would have got through those years without you. Nothing scared me more on Voyager than the thought of losing you." A tear ran down her cheek. "And it scares me now."

Chakotay tenderly traced the course of her tear. "Nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you. But I'm not going anywhere, Kathryn...at least not without you. This is forever."

Kathryn took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "Forever."

They gazed into each others eyes for a moment, and then Kathryn lay back down.

"Hold me," she said quietly.

Chakotay lay beside her and gently gathered her in his arms. Kathryn leant back against him and entwined her arms with his.

"For so many years I've dreamed of this," she said, closing her eyes and cherishing Chakotay's embrace. "Of going to sleep in your arms. So many nights on Voyager I fell asleep imaging you were beside me. Sometimes it was the only way I could sleep. But now you're here and it's real."

Chakotay kissed her soft auburn hair. "And I'll be here every night, Kathryn. Just like I'll be here every morning when you wake up."

Kathryn smiled sleepily. "I can't wait."

Chakotay kissed her again and Kathryn addressed the computer. "Computer, dim lights."

Instantly, the lights faded, plunging the room into darkness.

"Goodnight, Chakotay," she said softly.

"Goodnight, my love," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn closed her eyes and Chakotay felt the tension leave her rigid body as she slowly drifted to sleep. But he didn't think he would be getting much sleep that night...or for many nights to come. He knew that what had happened to Kathryn was going to haunt his nights for a very long time. He was so angry at what had happened to her that a part of him wanted to go to the gym and box until he had boxed away the dark rage inside his soul, but another part of him just wanted to lie here in the dark next to Kathryn and hold her safe forever. And it was that part of him, the stronger part, that won. There would be a time and a place to release his anger, but now wasn't it. Kathryn needed him beside her, and beside her was where he belonged, just like he'd always known.

END OF CHAPTER FIVE