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THE LOST YEARS
(R)

CHAPTER SIX

TWO YEARS LATER

In the soft light of a Mexican dawn, Chakotay watched as Kathryn slept soundly beside him. Her hair was long now and flowed over her thin shoulders, falling in uneven streams. After two weeks exposure to a hot Mexican sun, dark freckles dusted her pale skin, and Chakotay gazed at them, casting each one to memory. It never ceased to amaze him just how deep his love for this woman was. He loved her more than anything. And just when he thought he couldn't possibly love her anymore than he already did, he found himself falling in love with her just that little bit more.

This was going to be the last day of their Mexican vacation, and a part of Chakotay didn't want it to end. It had been their happiest vacation yet. Kathryn was now very comfortable with the physical side of their relationship, and he was very proud of how far she had come. He knew it had taken a lot of courage on her part, and he felt both privileged and humbled by the trust she continuously placed in him as they grew and thrived in that area. It had taken several months of building up their intimacy before she was ready to make love, but it had been worth every moment of the wait. He had gone to considerable trouble to make sure that the setting and timing was perfect, and it was. They had made sweet and tender love in the quaint and cosy bedroom of an old Irish cottage, and afterwards he had cradled Kathryn in his arms as she wept from emotion and joy.

Suddenly, Kathryn began to stir beneath him, and then opened her eyes.

Chakotay smiled. "Good morning."

Kathryn smiled in return. "Good morning."

They kissed softly and then gazed into each other's eyes.

"What time is it?" Kathryn asked.

"Just after 6am."

"Early," Kathryn replied. "But I'm glad, because I want today to last..."

She raised her lips to Chakotay's and they kissed again. Then Chakotay drew away.

"What would you like for breakfast?"

Kathryn smiled. "Is that an offer to make it?"

"Absolutely."

"Then I'd like some maple syryp pancakes with a glass of apple juice."

Chakotay kissed her forehead. "Coming right up."

In no time at all, breakfast was ready. Chakotay expected to find Kathryn on the balcony of their apart-hotel where they took breakfast every morning, but when he made his way there, he found the balcony empty. He walked across the balcony to the glass doors that lead into the bedroom, and through them saw that Kathryn was sitting on the edge of the bed, her hand at her stomach. Her body was taut and she looked unwell. Chakotay opened the doors and stepped inside.

"Are you alright, Kathryn?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I feel nauseous."

Chakotay put the tray in his hands down on a chair and went over to her. "Perhaps we should call the Doctor..."

"No. There's no need for that. I'll be alright in..." Without another word, she got up, hurried into the bathroom, and threw up in the toilet.

Chakotay followed her in and found her sitting against the wall.

"Dammit," she said in frustration. "I so wanted our last day to be perfect..."

"These things happen," Chakotay said kindly. He went over to her and knelt before her. "I really think you should see the Doctor, though..."

Kathryn nodded. "I'm thinking it was the curry last night. If so, he'll be able to give me something to settle my stomach and we can enjoy the rest of the day..."

Chakotay put his hand on her arm. "I'll give him a call."

He got to his feet and was just about to leave the bathroom when a thought came to him and he turned around. He studied Kathryn closely, his inquisitive gaze unsettling her.

"What is it?"

"I was just thinking...Maybe you're pregnant..."

A light filled Kathryn's eyes at those words. "Do you think...?"

"My mother was always very sick in the mornings when she was expecting and, well, we have been trying..."

"But only for a few weeks. The Doctor said it could take months given my age..."

"Well," Chakotay replied. "There's one way to find out..." He went over to a shelf in the bathroom and picked up a medical tricorder. "This should tell us."

He knelt beside Kathryn again and switched the tricorder on.

Kathryn watched, breath suspended, as he scanned her. Every second seemed an eternity and she could wait no more.

"Well?"

Chakotay looked up at her, tears of joy in his eyes. "You're pregnant."

For a moment, Kathryn did and said nothing, then she reached for the tricorder, almost snatching it from Chakotay.

"I am," she said, tears welling in her eyes as she read the displayed data. "I really am..." She then looked up at Chakotay. "Oh, Chakotay..."

Before she knew it, he had gathered her in his arms and they were holding each other tight.

"Definitely pregnant," Voyager's former EMH announced after performing a quick examination of Kathryn following their arrival home in San Francisco later that evening. "To be precise, you're 42 days pregnant." He smiled warmly. "Congratulations."

"I can't believe it," Kathryn said, still in a happy daze. "I didn't think I'd get pregnant for months, if at all..."

"You hit jackpot first time," the Doctor replied. "It happens." He smiled again. "And, as this is Kathryn Janeway we're talking about, somehow that doesn't surprise me."

Chakotay questioned. "Can you tell what gender the baby is?"

"Yes," the Doctor answered. "Would you like to know?"

Chakotay was about to reply when Kathryn did instead. "No," she said abruptly. "I mean...it's not a surprise then, is it?"

Chakotay was a little disappointed by her response, but didn't argue.

"As you wish," the Doctor replied.

"But everything isokay with the baby, isn't it?" Kathryn went on. "I mean, I didn't expect to get pregnant this quickly and, while I've been trying to stick to a pre-conception diet, I've had both coffee and alcohol the past couple of weeks..."

"The baby is just fine," the Doctor reassured her. "And, I know I don't have to tell you that now you're pregnant, you need to watch your diet carefully. I'll draw up a new diet plan for you and drop it by tomorrow."

Kathryn smiled. "That would be very helpful, Doctor. Thank you."

It was past midnight, but still there was no sign of Kathryn coming to bed. She had been quiet ever since the Doctor had left, and Chakotay was feeling increasingly worried about her. Commanding light, he got out of bed, put on his robe, and went looking for her.

He found her in a dimly lit living room, sitting on the couch weeping.

"Kathryn?" he said gently. "What's wrong?"

At the sound of his voice, Kathryn got to her feet. "Chakotay...I...I was just..."

Chakotay went over to her and put his hand on her arm. "Tell me what's wrong." A deep sadness then filled his eyes. "Is it the baby? Are you not happy?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "I'm happy, I truly am. I just..."

"Just what?"

"I didn't expect I'd be pregnant so soon. I thought it would take months and...and now it's happened, that I'm pregnant, it's...it's kind of scary..."

"I understand," Chakotay said kindly. "It's overwhelming for me too. But there's nothing to be afraid of." He put his hand to Kathryn's abdomen. "There's a miracle taking place inside you, and I'm so thankful. All our baby needs is love, and we have so much to give."

Kathryn nodded. "I just...I'm still not like other women, Chakotay. It seemed that way, like I finally was. But now..." A tear ran down her cheek. "I can't...I can't bear the thought of...of being intimate while...while I'm pregnant...I know doctors say it's safe, that it won't hurt the baby, but I can't help worry that it might and I just feel...I'm sorry..."

She wept softly and all Chakotay could do was gather her close.

"It's alright, Kathryn," he said quietly. "We don't have to be."

Kathryn's tears eased a little at that and she lay her head on his shoulder. "But it wouldn't be fair to you and...other couples they still..."

"This isn't about other couples," Chakotay said gently. "This is about us. We don't have to conform to a norm, even if we knew what it is. Intimacy is so personal to every couple that I'd say it's impossible to know. Lots of couples might not be intimate during pregnancy, for lots of different reasons. And as to what is fair to me, I've told you before, many times, I only want to make love with you when you want to make love aswell. That's the deal."

Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself melt into Chakotay's loving embrace. "Thank you," she whispered.

Chakotay kissed her hair. "There's nothing to thank me for."

"There is," she replied. "For everything. You show me every day what love really means."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes at that. "You show me too, Kathryn."

"How? I hardly know..."

"In so many ways. There is so much kindness in your heart, so much compassion. Always you try to do what is right, regardless of the cost to yourself. You have morals and principles where so many other people have only self-interest and preservation. When we met all those years ago I was a wounded soul, an angry warrior, a man with so much pain inside that it was killing him. Very few Starfleet Captains would have chosen to have me as their First Officer the way you did. But you saw something in me that others didn't see, and you gave me a chance. You will never know just how much that meant. I saw in you a person that I wanted to be, and you saw in me the man I could be, not who I was." A tear ran down his cheek. "You're the only good thing that has ever happened to me, Kathryn. All my life women have used and exploited me for their own ends, but not you. You've always treated me with respect and never wanted anything from me. You loved me for who I was, even though there were a million reasons why you shouldn't. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you, and I wouldn't be the man I am now if it wasn't for you. All I want for the rest of my life is the privilege of loving you."

"And you have it," Kathryn replied. "If I have the same of you."

Chakotay kissed her again. "Forever..."

They held each other a long moment, and then Kathryn drew away.

"Shall we go to bed?"

Chakotay nodded. "Let's go to bed."

He kissed her forehead, holding the kiss for a long moment, and then put his arm around her as they left the room.

END OF CHAPTER SIX