When you thought about it, really thought about it, schnitzel was just chicken parmesan without the Italian things.
So did that mean that German food was just Italian food without the tomato sauce and cheese? Or was it just schnitzel? Or maybe they were their own things. There was gravy in this so that made it different. Gravy and tiny, doughy, noodles. So maybe it was different…still good though. Better than eating cereal out of the box anyway. That had been breakfast…and also yesterday's dinner….and probably tomorrow's breakfast too….
Did they have takeout in the mornings, too?
"Huh." Said Hatori as he stared down at the food on his fork. Did it really matter what time you ate food? Maybe breakfast and lunch and dinner were all just artificial constructs. Maybe nothing mattered and you could just do whatever you wanted. All the things that you had ever wanted to do.
Life was good like that.
"What are you doing?" asked Suzuki as he finished chewing. He had no idea why Hatori was staring at his food with such apt attention. This wasn't anything special, this was just schnitzel, it wasn't like they had gotten something good like Doner kebab. Now that was good. All meaty…meat was good. Doner kebab with ketchup and a nice rolled omelet in there and topped with grated cheese…now that was good food.
That could be tomorrow's dinner.
Suzuki…well he liked home cooked food…but since there was no cook in this home then takeout was the next best thing. It was either this, go back to living on ketchup bread, or eat Hatori. Since he was getting tired of ketchup bread and cannibalism had never appealed to him then this was the next best thing. It was pretty good all things considered….could have used some more gravy though. Shigeko would have put the right amount of gravy on…if she knew how to cook like this…she could learn. She was smart like that. She could learn and….and she could have been learning right now…
Not that he would be there to enjoy the fruits of her knowledge.
"Thinking." Said Hatori
"What could you possibly be thinking about? It's dinner. You eat it. Sit on the couch with me, watch TV, and eat your dinner. It's not a difficult concept to grasp." Said Suzuki we he stabbed his food with his fork…maybe too hard. He could feel the prongs of his fork poking through the box and into his leg…and there was the gravy….he could live with this….even if this was his only pair of comfortable sleep pants. He'd have to have his things sent to the cleaners….and Hatori's too. He had no idea what those stains were on his t-shirt but he knew that he couldn't be seen with someone who dressed like that.
Shigeko could have gotten those stains out.
"I was just thinking that schnitzel is basically chicken parmesan without all the Italian stuff." Said Hatori as he stabbed his chicken. He managed to balance an entire piece of chicken. This was the best way to eat it. Suzuki didn't know what he was missing with his whole knife and fork thing. They could do whatever they wanted and he wanted to eat his food in the most efficient way possible…and that meant tearing into his food, as mom would have said, like a little barbarian. He didn't know what she had always been on about. He knew what he was doing. He didn't know why Suzuki was giving him that look. This wasn't so hard. He could totally balance an entire piece of chicken on the end of his fork….
…for about ten seconds.
"Use a fork before you make an even worse mess of yourself." Said Suzuki as Hatori added another stain to the mosaic that was his shirt. That did not look like it was going to come out. Well Hatori at least wouldn't be able to get it out. He dumped everything in the machine at once with a cup of detergent. Not at all like Shigeko. She could have gotten that clean. She was very good at washing clothes. There was an art to it, a very complex one. It wasn't as simple as just putting clothes in the washing machine and then the dryer, or hanging them out to dry if you were a less fortunate person. No, there were steps. So much pretreating and post treating and soaking and poking and beating and kneading and ironing….there was so much that went into washing clothes. He hadn't done it himself since university and even then it had been such a tedious chore even without the steps Shigeko took. She was so good at doing laundry and she enjoyed it, too, she had said so. She loved taking care of her family.
He wondered if today was still bedding day.
"I am using a fork." Said Hatori. He held up his fork for emphasis and…did Suzuki just roll his eyes? He did. Hatori felt like he'd just seen one of those once in a thousand years things. Suzuki rolling his eyes…and he didn't even need to! Hatori knew how to use a fork. He stabbed the chicken on his chest…and maybe that hadn't been hard enough. He tried again…and maybe that had been too hard.
He'd get it.
Suzuki rolled his eyes again….hey, a twofer! He rolled his eyes and then Hatori's chicken rose up into the air and began to tear itself into little pieces. Hatori was a grown man, he could cut his own meat, he just chose not to. He wasn't sure if he should have said anything to Suzuki. One the one hand he was not a baby, he was Hatori-sama and not Hatori-chan, but on the other hand…well Suzuki seemed a little less mopey.
He knew that the sand thing would have worked.
Well…it had been partially to cheer up Suzuki and partially to cheer up Sho and partially, mostly, just because….well the idea had come into his head. The idea had come into his head and then he just wanted to see how far he could go with it. Sort of like Shimazaki….and maybe he had gone too far…since he was comparing himself to Shimazaki….but it had been fun…
He liked power. He planned to let it corrupt him.
"Use it better…and be careful. That's your only blanket. Either eat like an adult or get that blanket off the couch." said Suzuki. He did not want to have to share a bed with Hatori. He knew how late Hatori stayed up, how he talked in his sleep, and how he sometimes woke up crying. He did not want to deal with that in the middle of the night. It felt like he had just gotten done with that, being woken up in the middle of the night to crying, yesterday. Sho had been relentless…and Shigeko, too, when he brought her home. Back when she still asked for her biological family. She forgot about them eventually, thankfully, and bedtimes had gotten a lot easier….well he assumed that they had. Masami would have known….not that he could ask her…and not that he even knew how he would have asked her. What would he have said? Masami, I feel like reminiscing about the past? What would she have thought of him then?
What would she have thought of him now?
If she could see him now….sitting in his pajamas eating takeout out of the box with a boy young enough to be his son and watching anime in Germany dubbed in English with Japanese subs that didn't even match what was being said….she would have taken one look at him and walked right out the door…and that was without knowing about Mukai….
Masami was gone…and he didn't blame her one bit.
"My shirt absorbed most of it." Said Hatori
"That's not much better. Honestly, I have no idea how you can stand to be like that." Said Suzuki
"Like what?" asked Hatori
"So filthy. When was the last time you changed that shirt?" asked Suzuki motioning to Hatori's….collection of rags that could be called a shirt. Hatori looked down at himself and then began to count on his fingers….Suzuki needed to do something about that. He couldn't be seen with someone who still counted on his fingers. His own children still did that…well he wasn't about to fight with them about their schooling since that never went well….but Hatori was not his child so he could do something about that. Even if he couldn't be a better person, or even a decent person, then he could still make Hatori into one.
"I….don't really know….but it doesn't matter since I always wear a sweater or whatever over it." Said Hatori. He knew how to do his laundry, he just didn't feel like it. It was just so exhausting. He knew that he was just putting in clothes and detergent and letting the machine do the work, he wasn't taking his stuff down to the river like they did when Suzuki's grandparents or whatever had been kids, but he just…didn't feel like it.
But he totally could have washed his own clothes if he'd felt like it!
"How you can live like that I will never know." Said Suzuki
"Well when's the last time you did your laundry?" asked Hatori. That…may have been the one step too far…since he was being glared at now. Suzuki sort of always looked like he was glaring but he just had a bad case of resting terrifying face. When he glared at you then you knew it. Like right now. That was one hell of a glare.
He couldn't hide, though, since Suzuki kind of had him pinned…so he had nowhere to go but…well to keep on sitting there.
"Shigeko does my laundry….but that doesn't matter. I'll have my things taken to the cleaners later…and yours as well….including that blanket you're sitting on." Said Suzuki. Bedding always took a while to get back from the cleaners…maybe he should just throw everything away and start again like he and Hatori had with the dishes. They had an entirely new set but so far the only thing that they had used was the cutlery. The sink was full of cutlery…maybe it was time to order another box. Everything was disposable if you had enough money. Shigeko…well she would have had opinions on that….but Shigeko wasn't here anymore. She was at home.
He wondered what she was doing right now.
Today was bedding day. Japan was about eight hours ahead so….yes. Today was most certainly bedding day. He wondered if she was washing the bedding right now. His had always been first because she knew how he felt about less than clean bedding. Then hers and finally Sho's. He wondered where Mukai fit into the bedding order. He wondered if she even had a bed yet. She was two….too big for a crib…right? Masami had said so. Shigeko could have fit in a crib when he'd brought her home but Masami had insisted on getting her an actual bed. Sho had been sad to leave his crib when the time came. He had been two as well…he had clung to the bars with both hands…he'd had to break the damned thing to get Sho to let go already.
He wondered if Mukai missed her crib…if she didn't have one anymore….or if she'd ever even had one.
Masami had tried to keep Sho in the bed with them when he'd been born. Co-sleeping it was called. That…had not gone well. He'd been up the entire night when he'd been a newborn. He'd had this sixth sense for crying at the exact second that Suzuki managed to drift off to sleep. That had been a difficult few weeks. It had been one of the few times he'd overridden Masami as a parent. To effectively run an empire he needed sleep and he couldn't sleep if there was an infant waking him up every half hour for food and changes and attention and sometimes no reason at all…
He wondered how Shigeko was putting up with it…and he wondered if Mukai had grown out of it.
"Thanks boss….I hate doing laundry. I mean I finally know how to but I still hate it." Said Hatori. Suzuki was done glaring now. He had turned kind of mopey actually. That…was not good. He wondered if this was just the way Suzuki was or if he had some kind of mood swings disorder…well obviously he had some kind of disorder…not that Hatori was going to say that to Suzuki's face. No. Not only would he end up getting his ass kicked but also Suzuki…well he would have been kind of…worse than he was now. He was a weirdly sensitive guy when you got to know him.
Hatori had no idea when he and Suzuki had gotten to this point, the point at which Hatori knew just how sensitive Suzuki was, but…well it wasn't that bad. Kind of nice, actually.
"I feel the same way. Shigeko, she enjoys it though." said Suzuki
"Yeah….sure." said Hatori. Mob…well she liked to make people happy…but she…well he'd seen her tired and grouchy. She did a lot. He wondered if she was ok. She had that two year old to take care of now…he'd check in with her in a minute. He still had to tell her and Sho about the sand thing. He wasn't sure about Mob but he knew that Sho would get a kick out of it too…and he needed all the cheering up he could get. Shibata said that he'd been so down lately…
Suzuki's were a really sensitive bunch when you got down to it.
"Shibata, he loves laundry. He gets all fancy with it though. I'm not into that." Said Hatori
"Shigeko does the same thing." Said Suzuki. He wondered if she still did the same thing. She didn't have him to keep clean. She didn't have to. Sho didn't care about his clothes. If it wasn't for Shigeko then he never would have changed. Mukai…he wondered if she cared. Children her age were messy…so messy. Shigeko had been just as messy as Sho had been at that age. When she'd been two she'd had this habit of trying to drink her miso soup by hand. She tipped it back at every meal even though she didn't have anywhere near the manual dexterity to do so. She always tipper her little bowl back and soaked not only herself but the chair she had been sitting in, the table, and the floor. She had been so small then…as small as Mukai was now….
He wondered if Mukai did the same thing.
He put his dinner down on the coffee table. He wasn't hungry anymore. He wasn't…well he didn't know what he was or he wasn't. There was this feeling of…he didn't even know. Mukai….Shigeko…his two daughters. Sho…well Sho was his own person. Sho was his son but….well he didn't care about Sho. Even now. He knew that the boy must have been up to something but…well he didn't care to know what that was. He wondered what his daughters….what his daughter…what his oldest daughter…what Shigeko was doing. If she was happy. If she was doing the laundry. If she was enjoying her summer. If she was having a nice time with her sister…she had always wanted one. She had asked Masami and him for one time and time again…and now she had one…she must have been so happy….
Even with all the extra laundry.
"I wonder….never mind. Finish your dinner." Said Suzuki. He crossed his arms and fiddled with the sleeve of his t-shirt. He did not feel like the world's greatest dad right now…well he hadn't ever been…not to Mukai. His own…she was his. She was his own and….and he should not have been thinking about her or how she was carrying on or how Shigeko was carrying on…how his family was carrying on….not that they were his family anymore….
He was a man with nothing…it felt like anyway.
He was a man with the world in the palm of his hand. Well…the world was coming. The world was going to be his and…and what was the point if he had no legacy. If he had no legacy to speak of. Sho was…Sho. He was his legacy….maybe Sho was a preemptive punishment for cheating on Masami…and having Mukai…and taking her away from Shigeko…and setting a terrible example for Shigeko…and also slapping her across the face…that had been….he wondered if she forgave him for that….
Probably not…since she had said that he wasn't her father anymore…and she had called him by his given name too.
"Wonder what?" asked Hatori through a mouth full of chicken. Suzuki had one of those looks….one of those looks where he thought really hard about shit that made him sad. Damn it.
"Nothing." Said Suzuki. He did not need to talk about this. He had just been wondering if Shigeko had done the laundry….and that was not the thing that he should have been wondering about. He didn't live there anymore. He didn't have any reason to wonder about Shigeko or the laundry schedule or…or anything that had to do with his family…
Not his family anymore.
They were his progeny….two of them were his progeny. Shigeko was his child….she was the most his child out of all three of them. Sho…if not for the resemblance he would have thought that Sho had been switched with another baby at the hospital. Mukai…well she looked like him and…well she looked like him and that was….enough. She looked like him and…and he knew nothing else about his daughter. Not her temperament or favorite foods or her first word or when her first steps had been….and he had no reason to want to know these things…because she may have come from him but he was not her father.
He was no kind of a father to her…and he wasn't capable of being one…so there was no point in thinking of her.
"Wonder how they got the gravy so good?" asked Hatori with a smile. He was kidding….but of course Suzuki didn't do kidding. Especially not brooding Suzuki. No, he was not a fun guy at all.
"No…and I know why it's so good. This is made with actual animal fat, not that garbage from the packet that people eat. I was just wondering….things which I should not be wondering about. I have enough on my plate as it is." Said Suzuki
"Well then maybe you should have dinner….I was kidding…you know, if you thought that I was ordering you around….which I never would!" said Hatori
"I know that you wouldn't…and stop telling jokes. You aren't funny right now and I am in no mood." Said Suzuki
"Want to talk about it?" asked Hatori because that was what good friends did…and also Suzuki tended to keep things inside until he exploded. The last time that had happened he had almost been in a plane crash so…yeah. Not going to repeat that.
"Yes…no….I don't know. God, you are even nosier than Tadashi, you know that?" asked Suzuki. Tadashi always pestered him when something was on his mind. Tadashi…well he was Tadashi….and Suzuki did not want to think about him! No! He was….he had better have found the world's best hiding spot because if Suzuki ever found him…he didn't know. He'd kill him…beat him up….send him away….tie a rope around his waist and the other end to a lamppost and keep him there forever like an unruly dog….hold him close and never let him go…kiss him….bite him….break the skin…kick him in the ribs until he coughed up blood….
He didn't know. He wasn't going to think about this anymore.
"Yeah, but unlike him I can keep a secret." Said Hatori. He could keep a secret if he had to. He hadn't said a word to Suzuki about Sho being gay had he? Yeah, he could keep a secret…especially for a friend…and he and Suzuki had to have been friends by this point.
"Can you?" asked Suzuki. He…had so many secrets….and most of them had never been spoken about. Hatori…was a friend…but he was not Tadashi. Tadashi was the one who kept his secrets. Tadashi was the one who knew just about all there was to know, that he was willing to part with, and…and he trusted Tadashi. He had trusted Tadashi…even though he had spirited Sho away and kept him in contact with his sister and…and if Tadashi could betray him than anyone could….
Hatori dropped more gravy on himself.
There was no way in hell that Hatori could ever have betrayed him. Hatori just did not have it in him. He was a child, little better than a child, and….and he could be trusted. Tadashi…had betrayed him and…and Tadashi was Tadashi. He could survive on his own. Tadashi….he and Hatori were two different people. Hatori…well Hatori was Hatori…
Suzuki passed him a napkin with his powers.
"I'm great at keeping secrets. You can tell me and I promise that it'll stay in the vault." Said Hatori as he wiped his shirt clean. He would keep this to himself, he'd keep everything to himself, even if Suzuki told him something deep and personal and terrifying…or humiliating…..because he did not need to know what Suzuki did to people who betrayed his trust.
Probably whatever he was planning on doing to Fukuda once he got out of this mopiness.
"You had better." Said Suzuki. He…had no idea what he was going to say. Fukuda had always just pried his secrets out of him…or been there for when they had happened….well those were the things that they had agreed to never speak about again. He…well he could speak about them if he wanted to….but he didn't want to…or maybe he did….or maybe he didn't. He didn't know. The weight of the world had always been on his shoulders…but he had been the one to put it there….
Hatori was staring at him.
"So….what's eating you?" asked Hatori. Dinner humor…he was not funny and he needed to stop…and he would….right now. Now it was time to stop and sit there in silence with Suzuki. Long…long….long silence.
"What's bothering me, you mean?" asked Suzuki
"Yeah. What's bothering you? I mean besides the obvious." Said Hatori
"What's obvious?" asked Suzuki. He had no idea if he had been obvious or not…maybe he was. Maybe everyone in the world could tell just how far he'd fallen. Maybe it was obvious that he was nothing more than a womanizing, self-defiling, slave to his own joy. He…he wanted to….he didn't know. Run? Hide? Literally kick the shit out of anyone who had the nerve to judge him?
"All the shit that happened with Mob….and the rest of your kids. I mean we don't have a Seventh Division anymore and….well Mob lost control…"said Hatori. Suzuki was staring at him. He was close and he was staring….and his eyes were really pretty….if that was an alright way to think about them…but they were so….people needed pupils! People needed pupils otherwise it was just….weird!
"Don't curse….and that doesn't weigh on me. We lost a Division but it can be rebuilt…we're hemorrhaging money but it can be rebuilt." Said Suzuki. It bothered him, why wouldn't it? The cost of building, remodeling, retraining, and moving everyone….he didn't even want to think about the cost….but the cost was nothing compared to the cost of losing his daughter.
"Then what does?" asked Hatori. Suzuki was trusting him. That was….well that was something. Suzuki was kind of…vulnerable…and that was…if someone had asked Hatori two years ago if he would have thought that he'd end up on a permanent sleepover with his new best friend Suzuki Touichirou he would have thought that he was about to lose his mind…if he hadn't lost it already.
"I…you don't have children. You couldn't possibly understand." Said Suzuki. He looked away from Hatori. There was no way that Hatori could possibly understand what it was to lose his daughter. He didn't have any children and he didn't plan on having any…which made no sense. He was father material. He was good with children, very patient, and Shibata seemed to want them as well so why not find a surrogate and have a child? Hatori was a mystery to him…and of course he was a mystery to Hatori. They came from different stops on the same Galaxy Express. The train stopped, of course, on each of their worlds and they had both gotten on….but they were not on the same part of the train…and he hoped that they never would be.
He hoped that Hatori grew up to be much better than…than what he could be.
"Oh. It's about Mukai…yeah….I don't have any secret kids…but I guess it would be kind of hard-" said Hatori. Well he'd overplayed his hand there. This was why he didn't play card games. He was bad at them. Suzuki was glaring at him, again, and his aura was all flare and…yeah. He'd fucked up…and also he dumped what was left of his dinner on his only blanket…
This was what he got for trying to help people.
"You have no clue how difficult it is…and it shouldn't be! I have no idea what Tadashi was thinking! He was the one who convinced me that it was wrong to keep Mukai within my household….he was the one who convinced me that Shigeko was not old enough to care for Mukai….and then he just…he betrayed me! He not only spirited my son, my flesh and blood son, away and taught him to lie to me but….but he told both of my children….he told them! He had the nerve to tell my children exactly how their sister came into the world-" said Suzuki
"Wait, he gave them details? That's….fucked up. I mean….I'm not even your kid and I don't want to think about you and your girlfriend-" said Hatori
"She wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't my….anything. She was just….someone who…I had a moment of weakness with…and now Mukai is here….in the world…in my household…and Tadashi should have kept it to himself!" said Suzuki
"Well…." Said Hatori. He didn't know, really, who was right in this situation. Well what he really wanted to tell Suzuki was that he should have wrapped it up. That was pretty much the only thing that a guy had to remember, wrap it up. Hell, Hatori was a virgin and he knew that! Not that he was about to tell Suzuki that he needed to get himself to a drugstore and get himself a box of condoms so this never happened again. What he really wanted to do was find Fukuda and ask him what in the hell he thought that he was doing. Sho had a right to see his sister, he wasn't going to argue that, but Mob had a right to see her sister too! Her, the other Suzuki kid…and what in the hell did he think he was dong taking Sho across the world in secret and teaching him to keep secrets…that was some shady shit right there…but Suzuki was worked up enough as it was.
Hatori wasn't about to send him into another explosion.
"I have no idea what he was thinking and…and I…thanks to him I lost Shigeko! No….thanks to myself. I am the one who cheated on my wife and I am the one who had a child out of wedlock and I am the one who set a terrible example for both of…all three of…my children…..though Sho is a better man than I am. At eleven he's a better man than I am." Said Suzuki. He…he never felt this heavy in his life. He reached over and got a handful of napkins off the table and shoved them into Hatori's hand.
There. At least he had done something.
"Well….I'm sure that Mob still loves you…and Sho…well he's a good kid….and Mukai…she's too little to even know what's going on." Said Hatori as he cleaned himself and his blanket up…well now he was going to smell delicious for the foreseeable future…and he didn't want to. Maybe it was time to do some laundry….right now…like right now….
Suzuki was staring at him again.
"She called me Touichirou. She told me that I was no longer her father and she called me Touichirou." Said Suzuki
"Oh. Well she's twelve. I said shit like that to my parents all the time when I was a teenager…and I wish that I could take it back. Mob was probably just pissed off. I mean…yeah. It's a lot. Mob…she probably does get it. She probably doesn't get that her mom is never coming back-" said Hatori
"Of course she isn't. I have a child with someone else." Said Suzuki
"Yeah but…well I was a part of the whole…manhunt…for her. She's been gone for more than two years and…and I don't blame you for what you did. I mean it must have been hard, losing her. You must have loved her a lot and….well from what Mob's told me she just walked out the door one day. That must have hurt." Said Hatori. He knew that he was about to get his ass kicked. Suzuki was close, now, much closer….close enough that he could feel him breathing….and Hatori was most likely going to get his ass kicked for what he said…
He may have hated the guy…or at least really disliked him…but he did have a new respect for Fukuda and his Suzuki whispering powers.
"What did you just say about my wife?" asked Suzuki. That…was….nobody had ever said that before….
"That…it must have hurt when she walked out on you?" asked Hatori
"Yes. That." Said Suzuki
"I just….I just think that it's a pretty fucked up thing, what she did to you and the kids. I mean it must have hurt a lot and….and you must have loved her a lot and…and she shouldn't have walked out on you….please don't hurt me!" said Hatori. Suzuki was close now…so close…and he was getting even closer to him now…and Hatori knew that he was going to die. He knew that he, at the age of twenty one, was a dead man….
He wasn't killed.
He was hugged, though. Suzuki was hugging him even though he was covered in gravy and tiny noodles and chicken…and Suzuki didn't seem to care. He was just…hugging him. He was being held close and…and Suzuki was just…hugging him. This was….ok. This wasn't the first time that Suzuki had ever hugged him….but it was still weird.
Not bad just….weird.
"Don't curse….and….thank you….I suppose. Nobody…has ever said that to me before…and I have no idea why it matters….but it does." Said Suzuki as he let go of Hatori. It had hurt. Hatori was right. Masami had taken a piece of himself when she left and…..and it had been really fucked up, too, the way that she just…left. She did exactly as Hatori had said. She walked right out the door. She just got up one day and walked out the door and out of his life…and out of the lives of their children. She had just walked out and…and that had been a fucked up thing to do.
How dare she….
She had just gotten up one day and walked out the door…and it had hurt. He hadn't given her a SINGLE reason to leave. She had been well taken care of. She'd had a massive house, two children to care for, and more money than she had ever known what to do with. She was his wife and…and he had never been cruel to her. They had never even fought, not once. She had been the most well cared for woman in Japan and….and not only had he given her the world but he had given her his heart too…
And she had taken it with her when she walked out on him.
"Fukuda never said that to you? Fukuda your best friend in the whole world? He never told you that it must have hurt that your own wife walked out on you and your two kids?" asked Hatori
"No." said Suzuki
"But…he must have said something….right? I mean that's a big thing…her leaving. I mean I've never even had a girlfriend….boyfriend! I've never even had a boyfriend but I know that breakups are hard…and that wasn't even a breakup. That was like…if a breakup and a nuclear bomb had a baby." Said Hatori
"He…consoled the children…and I did not need to be consoled. I was….I don't ask him for that." Said Suzuki. He wanted…at the time….well he had taken Tadashi with him because he hadn't wanted to be alone. Well that and his children had been very accident prone at that age so it made sense to have a healer near. He….upon further examination of his feelings…he had wanted Tadashi near…and he still wanted Tadashi near. If he had been a woman then he would have wanted Tadashi to pull him close and hold him.
But he was not a woman so he didn't want that.
He didn't want Tadashi to hold him. He didn't want Tadashi to wrap him in his arms and press him into his chest. He didn't want to wear Tadashi's sweater so it could feel like Tadashi was holding him even when he wasn't. He didn't want to lay down in bed beside Tadashi and hold him…and be held by him. He didn't want to kiss Tadashi, either, he would have if he had been a woman but he was not a woman so he did not want that. He certainly did not want Tadashi to roll him onto his back, peel him out of his clothes, and take him….
He would have if he had been a woman but he was not a woman so he did not want that.
He was a man and what he wanted was what any man would have wanted in this situation. He wanted to beat the living shit out of Tadashi. He wanted to literally beat the shit out of him. He wanted to beat him half to death, take a break, and then finish the job. He wanted to make Tadashi feel one tenth of the pain that Tadashi, in all of his lying and sneaking around, had made him feel. He wanted to reach inside of Tadashi's chest, rip out his heart, and show it to him. Then he would learn what it was like. Then he would understand what it was like to…to feel the way Suzuki Touichirou felt…at this moment in time….
But mostly he just wanted to stop feeling like this….whatever this emotion was.
"Well…if you ask me then he should have just known that you needed someone to be there for you. I mean I barely know you and I…well I mean I think you might need-" said Hatori
"I don't need anyone…anyone but my daughter. I am a full and complete person on my own…since I don't have her anymore." Said Suzuki
"Mob loves you, come on. She's just twelve and doesn't get it. This is a lot for a kid and she's probably still processing this whole thing. Her mom being gone, having a new sister, shit like that." Said Hatori. Suzuki needed to stop talking about Mob like she was an adult. She was a kid and she was freaked out…also she had said some regrettable stuff but she was twelve. They said mean shit, that was part of being twelve and puberty and the hormones that turned you into an asshole and all of that.
"Do you think she does? I mean you're her friend…you know her well." Said Suzuki
"Yeah, I know Mob and I know that when she calms down and the dust settles she's probably going to tell you that she's sorry about what she said." Said Hatori with a shrug.
"Do…you really think so?" asked Suzuki
"Yeah. I bet that once we're done here….and we hunted down Fukuda-" said Hatori
"No. I don't want to see or speak to Tadashi…and I don't care if you can find him. I don't want to see him. I don't know if I'm going to kiss him or kill him if I see him…and I don't want to murder him…or maybe I do. I don't know." Said Suzuki. Hatori was staring at him now. He had no idea why. Also his lenses were smudged and he really should have done something about that.
"You….meant that as a figure of speech…right? I mean you don't actually want to kiss him…kill him! Kill him….I meant." Said Hatori. He got the feeling that he had just heard one too many secrets. Suzuki had always been a pretty straightforward guy….actually he didn't get a lot of sayings…but….Hatori…he just…
Maybe there were some secrets that he didn't want to be privy to.
"I…have no idea what I want. I want to kiss him and kill him in equal parts…so I suppose that I should just leave him alone until I get myself sorted out….and you don't have to stare at me. Even I….I suppose that even I don't always have all the answers." Said Suzuki. He had no idea why Hatori was staring at him like that. What? Did he think that Suzuki always knew what to do? Well most likely…but he was…a little more than human….but he was also….he didn't always understand and if Hatori was trying to make him feel bad about doubting himself then….then he could go rot in a hole!
"That's….not what I'm staring….for. You…actually want to kiss him?" asked Hatori. That was….ell that was…something. Suzuki had always insisted that he was one hundred and ten percent straight….but that was not the sort of thing a straight man said. Hatori knew, he'd been pretending to be a gay man for long enough to know.
"Yes….and I have no idea why." Said Suzuki. That wasn't strange. He had always felt this way. Since the day he'd met Tadashi…no…some time afterwards maybe…he didn't know exactly when these feelings had started. Maybe after their first kiss…which had been pretty bad and hadn't felt like anything…but it had been his only kiss and he hadn't been able to get his mind off of it. That was normal though father had said so, and father had never once lied to him. Father had told him that he was no a homosexual, that sometimes people did things like that for stupid reasons, and that he and Tadashi were just friends…and that they were never to repeat that again….
He….hadn't always been the most obedient son.
He was well beyond all of that, though. He was well beyond wanting his best friend…his confidant…the first esper that he had ever met to grab him and hold him and kiss him and push his shirt off of his shoulders and…all of the other things that came to mind. That had just been his mind imagining hypothetical scenarios…like if he had been born female….that was all. That was normal. Father had said so. Everyone had thoughts like that about other men, homosexuals were just the ones who couldn't help but act on them.
That was normal and he was normal.
"Have you? I mean have you guys ever….." asked Hatori. He couldn't finish that question so he just let it hang in the air. He had no idea why he needed to know this, maybe morbid curiosity, but he did need to know….even though this was none of his business and…just…maybe this was like a test of their friendship or something? Like that thing where you fell back and someone caught you….only they weren't doing that. They were talking about very personal stuff that….was personal and….stuff….
Very personal.
"Well I've been told never to speak about this again but Tadashi has already betrayed me so, yes, I have. I've known him for most of my life. I can't imagine that one could know a person for most of their life without kissing them on occasion." Said Suzuki. Hatori was being strange, again, but that was normal for him…though maybe because it was normal it wasn't strange….but still. Suzuki wanted to talk about anything else, literally anything, even his own sexual indiscretions again. This seemed…so much worse…than talking about cheating on his wife.
This was Tadashi…and he was another man…but it wasn't like he had done anything that they had done together out of any kind of sexual or romantic desire…so that was normal…and Hatori was the strange one for thinking that it was in any way abnormal.
"You guys seriously…when? I mean…why? How…just…why?" asked Hatori
"Why do you need that information?" asked Suzuki
"Because this is just…kind of…not what I expected. I mean you're straight…and Fukuda is….also straight?" asked Hatori. Well this was…something. Maybe the answer to all of their problems was just getting together, locking the door, and banging this whole thing out….not the mental image that he ever wanted….but….Fukuda had a thing for him, obviously, and if Suzuki just had a thing for Fukuda right back then why not do something about it? He was the most powerful esper in the world and the President of Claw…who the fuck was going to tell him who he could and could not fuck?
Also this would really explain a lot about Sho.
"Of course we are. We've never once kissed for any romantic or sexual reasons. We kissed for all the reasons that heterosexual men kiss one another." Said Suzuki. Hatori's left eye was twitching. That may have been something that he needed to get looked at.
"The…normal…reasons?" asked Hatori. He'd never had a migraine in his life….but he might have felt one coming on. He was straight, very hard on the straight side of the sexuality scale, and he had never once thought about making out with another guy. Suzuki was supposedly a genius…how could he be so…stupid?
"Yes. The first time was because I had been informed in health class that people could be homosexual so I had to try it. The second time was because I kissed a girl for the first time and I had to make a comparison. The third time was because Tadashi had borrowed a book from me without asking. The second time was because Tadashi had been bragging about being invited to one of those parties where he object of the night is to kiss the opposite sex-" said Suzuki
"So a make out party then?" asked Hatori. Those were real? And also someone invited Fukuda to one? And also…why were these the questions he took from this little…he didn't even know what? This was…something that he may have been a bit too out of his depth to handle.
"Yes. He had been invited and I hadn't been and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about-" said Suzuki
"So you made out with him too?" asked Hatori. Fuck overstepping and prying. This was…something….this was just….how far had this shit gone!? And just…how in the hell did Suzuki think that these were the actions of someone straight!?
"Yes." said Suzuki
"And you did this…a lot…too?" asked Hatori
"Yes. Many times." Said Suzuki
"But….you don't have even the littlest crush on him?" asked Hatori
"No, of course not. I just wanted to know what it felt like and then I did. The second time was because I wanted to know what it would have felt like to be his girlfriend. The third times was because…well I'm not sure about the third time. We'd broken into the planetarium and gone to watch the projection of the night sky and then I rolled onto my side, you're supposed to look up and pretend to be stargazing, and he was there and then the next thing I had pulled him on top of me. The fourth time had a more concrete reason. We were actually stargazing and he referenced the time at the planetarium-" said Suzuki. He didn't see why all of this had to be in the vault, as Hatori had called it, there was nothing wrong with kissing another man if you were both heterosexual…at least that was the way that he saw it. Father had come up with this idea that sexuality could be changed but Suzuki had learned in health class that sexuality was immutable. Therefore he was heterosexual and there was nothing wrong with kissing, tongue kissing, and deeply tongue kissing Tadashi.
"Wait…how many times have you guys kissed? Like….all together?" asked Hatori. Suzuki…was looking up in the air…and he was counting on his fingers….Hatori didn't know if he wanted the answer…well he did. He wanted that answer and several others…like how far this thing had gone….
Actually maybe no…maybe he didn't need to know if they'd ever done it or who had been on top or…anything like that….
"Fifty three conclusive times in the past thirty two years….and don't act so strangely. We're both heterosexual. Sexuality is immutable and therefore since we are both not homosexuals then there is no romantic or sexual component to this." said Suzuki
"Yeah….I mean if the last time this happened you guys were kids…or something…" said Hatori
"No, the last time was Halloween before you were delivered to me in a state of incredibly intoxication." Said Suzuki
"I…you guys were…you guys were making out? On…Halloween?" asked Hatori
"Yes….well I was proving a point and-" said Suzuki. He got the feeling that Hatori was making a big deal out of this…maybe nobody had explained this to him. Yes, not every father was as involved as his father had been….and Hatori had been an orphan for some time now….
"You sure so prove a lot of points, Suzuki, like the laundry…and I'm going to go and do that now and…yeah. I'll be back and then we can…talk more about how your wife left you and your kids….and not about Fukuda…" said Hatori as he got up. He tore his blanket off the couch and dragged it to the washing machine. He tossed his shirt in too even if it wouldn't fit. He just…he needed a minute…because that had been….a lot….this whole friendship was…a lot and…and he had to be there for Suzuki…even when he reminisced about all the times he and Fukuda had a bunch of totally one hundred percent not gay make out sessions….including one that had happened last Halloween….just minutes before Hatori showed up….
Being Suzuki's friend wasn't all takeout and moping…sometimes you learned things….terrible things that you would have to take to your grave…and that would live behind your eyelids for eternity.