Shimazaki had no idea what he was holding.
"That one's named sunflower because she's yellow like a sun flower…and hang on…" said Sho as he took the hamster, presumably Sunflower, from Shimazaki's hand. That hadn't felt like a sunflower, it had felt like a hamster, which felt like every other furry rodent that he'd held in his life. He was not the biggest fan of rodents. He wasn't going to shriek and jump up on a chair or anything like that but he was going to pass thee damn hamsters back to Sho as soon as he could.
Why couldn't the kid have wanted a dog?
It would have saved Shimazaki the trouble of finding a dog. You couldn't just walk into a store and steal one, no, you had to bond with them and make sure that they could bond with you. Making a friend, that was the word for it, finding a dog was like making a friend. It would have been easier if Sho had found himself a friend and then introduced Shimazaki. Shimazaki had no idea what he was even looking for in a dog anymore. Chocolate Biscuit had been the best dog in the world. He'd always been there and he'd ben warm and he'd never left him alone even when everyone else did. Mom had gotten him to…and that had meant something…but now his dog was dead and his mom was dead and made he couldn't replace his dog like he couldn't replace his mom.
It would have been so much easier if Sho had wanted a dog, but no, he wanted hamsters.
"This one is named Ham-Ham. Baby sis picked it out. She's…still too little to name anything, I think, but I had to let her because I kind of owed her from before." Said Sho as he put another hamster in Shimazaki's hand. This thing did not want to be held. This thing was trying to get away…and Shimazaki did not feel like keeping it prisoner in his hand. He reached over and dropped whatever this one's name was back in the box with all the others. That was what it felt like, anyway, Sho had said that it had a specific name. Shimazaki couldn't remember all of that right now.
He barely remembered to keep his distance.
"A-Are you ok?" asked Sho. There it was, that waver in his voice, and the hitch in his breath. If Shimazaki had felt like focusing on the kid he would have seen the blood rushing to his face and the way his heart was working quadruple overtime. That was normal, and natural, and Shimazaki was never going to be the sort of person that told a kid that his feelings were wrong.
He had always hated that when he'd been a kid.
When he'd been little and so profoundly sad and lonely. When it had felt like one was no different from the last, like he had been in a perpetual today, but not fun like now…even mom had told him to stop that crying. Mom had told him that boys did not cry and they did not whine and they did not complain. She had told him to be a man and make the best out of a bad situation. So that was what he did. If mom could do it and then he could. He made the best out of a bad situation.
By turning the situation into something better.
He'd gotten bigger, and stronger, and one day he'd had enough and twisted a knife deep into dad's guts. It had been the only way, really, to get dad to be less of an asshole and to make his own life better. That was how it worked. When you didn't like your life you stabbed it in the guts and made it better….though that was not applicable to this situation. Telling Sho that he didn't love him like that, would never like that, and was probably mentally incapable of loving him like that…well that would have just been the same, to Sho, as telling him that there was something wrong with him for being the way he was. Honestly, in Shimazaki's opinion, being told not to cry was much worse than being told not to fuck guys. He had been older when dad had told him not to, and tried to beat it out of him, but he'd been able to not only take it but to give back as good as he got. Shimazaki had been old enough to understand certain things, his own power over his life for one, and it hadn't cut nearly as deeply….but it cut deep for Sho.
He was not going to put Sho through that…no matter what.
And there had been a lot of 'what' over the years. Hell, there was a lot of 'what' right now. Sho was looking at him and his eyes were darting all over the place…and where his eyes went his aura followed. He still couldn't separate it from his vision…or maybe that was just how it worked. Shimazaki's aura was an extension of his sense of hearing and he heard in all directions. Sighted people need to focus on something so they could see it. So maybe he couldn't begrudge Sho for how he looked at him.
Physically, that is.
The physical way that Sho looked at him…not the way that Sho was looking at him now. Sho was…not too young. Shimazaki had been about his age, or younger even maybe, when he'd figured himself out. Sho was just in that terrible stage of life when he'd get way too tall way too fast, not be able to recognize his own voice for a while, have enough grease on his face to keep several fast food establishments afloat, and have to ump everything that was even vaguely humapable…and Shimazaki was not going to be on that list. Nope. Not happening.
No matter how much time Sho spent undressing him with his eyes it was never going to happen.
Shimazaki was curious as to when he would stop. He say perfectly still. Maybe this was like Jurassic Park and his vision was based on movement…damn, he loved that movie. So had Chocolate Biscuit. He'd parked at all the scary parts….and he had been paying attention. He had always barked before the jump scares. That had been pretty fucking helpful since Shimazaki had no idea what the jump scares even were let alone how they were being set up. That had been one hell of a dog…he wished he had a dog…but he only had hamsters and a cat with a stupid name and a shit ton of plants in his room and also a Sho which was like having a son who also wanted to fuck and/or marry you.
Still not the weirdest turn his life had ever taken.
"Uh….um…." said Sho. He was shifting in place now. Shimazaki was not going to confirm as to why. Poor Sho. This was not the best time in life…or even a good time in life…or a decent time. This was the absolute worst time in his life and Shimazaki was not going to make it any worse…but he also wasn't going to sit there and let Sho's imagination go to places that he did not want to visit. God, why couldn't Mob had been more like him. He could have handled that. Mob was, well, she was Mob. If she had been madly in love with him or whatever for years then he could have just told her to wait until she passed that line in his head that separated kid from not kid. She was getting close to that line already…and that would have been the best fucking thing. A better fucking thing that this. First of all who wouldn't have wanted to be on the permanent good side of the future ruler of the world? And second of all Mob was so fucking nice. She was nice and thoughtful, she remembered his birthday every year, and she remembered all kinds of things about him like his favorite textures and how he liked his clothes washed….she was a really great person. Sho was a great person too, of course, but the person that Sho was too him…well he was not the sort of person that Shimazaki would have even considered fucking in a public bathroom at two in the morning let alone whatever Sho had in mind…
Now all he needed was a nice way of informing Sho of this fact without making him cry.
"Your hamsters are escaping. I can't tell you which one is which but I do know that they figured team work out so you might want to do something about that." Said Shimazaki. He could feel it if he focused. There were four hamsters climbing over each other to get out. Sho gasped and, mercifully, too his attention off of Shimazaki for the ten seconds that it took to get the plastic roof back onto the hamster cage.
It had been a short ten seconds.
Now Sho was right back to staring at him. Well trying and failing not to stare at him. His eyes were still darting around. Shimazaki almost wished that Sho would just stare where he wanted to stare and get it all out of his system already. He wasn't going to kick his pants off and tell him to stare until he was sick of it, no, people already sort of thought that he was a creepy for the whole 'pretending to flirt' with Mob thing. Seriously, he was never going to live that down. She had been TEN? Who the fuck wanted to fuck ten year olds? Well people who were into that sort of thing….of which he was not thank you very much. Nobody seemed to be able to get that through their head but it was whatever. He was not going to make things worse by telling Sho to get all of this out of his system and stare until his eye lids got stuck like that and Shimazaki could put him on display for a hundred yen a gander.
It would have been easier though…but this was Sho. Nothing was ever out of his system, even, and if anything things were just going to keep on getting worse and worse and worse until the end of time.
"Yeah…they do that sometimes. I think that Sunflower is the one who thought it up. She's the smartest, I think, but Black Liquorish and Ham-Ham are pretty smart too. Strawberry Face is kind of dumb. He keeps on getting lost in the habitrails…um…the tunnels. I call him strawberry head because he has this red spot on his head that looks like a strawberry and…um…sorry. I forgot that you couldn't see…and stuff." Said Sho
"It's alright. I'll be able to tell them apart by fur type eventually so thanks for teaching me their names….I guess. You're a good FRIEND." Said Shimazaki. As usual subtly was lost on Sho…though Shimazaki hated being subtle. He hated trying to act in ways that were completely contrary to his nature. If Sho had been anyone else Shimazaki would have set him straight a while ago…but Sho wasn't anyone else. He was Sho. He was like his kid or a smaller version of him or something. He couldn't hurt him.
God, caring about other people was the absolute fucking worst now wasn't it?
"You're a good friend too…um….you're my best friend." Said Sho. He said best friend with a lot of weight to it…and Shimazaki had no idea how to address that. Toshi had just told him, had been just telling him, that he needed to rip it off like a Band-Aid. Just get it over with so everyone could move on with their lives…but Sho showed absolutely zero chance of moving on with his life and…and he would just be hurt if Shimazaki shot him through the heart like that. Shimazaki knew what it was like to be shot through the heart, it hurt, and he was never going to do that to another human being. He'd shoot you, stab you, iron your dick, tape you up inside in a wood burning oven, cover you in honey and leave the bees to you, boil you in chocolate, make you listen to boybands, and drop you from the stratosphere…but he was not in the business of shooting people through the heart. Breaking hearts had never been his thing, not even when he'd been at his worst, and he knew that if he broke Sho's heart then he was never going to be able to get through it.
He felt his arm.
Toshi was there…but Toshi hadn't always been there…but Toshi was there now. They were there like a Band-Aid and he was so grateful to have them…and he would not be ripping them off. That Band-Aid was staying put. Sho…well he didn't have anyone that could be his Band-Aid, that could replace whatever Shimazaki had accidentally tattooed onto his heart. He had a girlfriend, sure, but Shimazaki wasn't even sure what was going on there. There was that other kid Sho had been telling him about, Ritsu, and…well that might work…
If he couldn't shoot Sho through the heart he could at least remind him that he had other options…ones with actual potential and shit.
"So how's Ritsu doing these days?" asked Shimazaki. He regretted nothing, not even when Sho's voice reached the same octaves his aura decided to start shrieking at. What was he so embarrassed about? Five seconds ago he had been drooling puddles and staring at him. Sho really needed to sort out his priorities.
"Shimazaki! What the fuck?!" said Sho
"What, it was a simple question. How's that guy you were telling me about before doing these days?" asked Shimazaki
"I-I-I don't know…he's back in Seasoning City…and not so loud!" said Sho
"What are you so afraid of? You think that your dad is going to hear you on the other side of the world and come running so he can kick your ass before he has to go to his next meeting?" asked Shimazaki
"I…I don't know…." Said Sho. Now he was being quiet. Now he had his head tucked down into his shirt. He was trying to be a jacket turtle…yup. Shimazaki reached over and felt the collar of Sho's jacket. His old jacket. It was good for turtling up when you needed to…but Sho had no reason to turtle up. When Shimazaki had turtled up it had been in those rare moments when he'd felt completely and totally powerless. Sho shouldn't have felt like that…and not over something so completely fucking stupid.
Shimazaki flicked him upside the head.
"What was that for?" asked Sho as he rubbed his head. Too dramatically, in Shimazaki's opinion, since he had barely even touched Sho.
"For freaking out over nothing. I just asked you how the kid was doing, I didn't ask you to recount your torrid love affair." Said Shimazaki
"I-I-I it wasn't torrid! And I don't even know what that was…and don't say affair so loud like that!" said Sho
"Why? What are you freaking out over now? I swear to God your entire family is way too high strung." Said Shimazaki
"I am not high strung! And don't say affair because….I don't know. I like to think about how I'm a cheater…or whatever…and be quiet! Big sis is just down the hall cleaning the drawings Mukai did off the walls…I don't know why, I think that it looks better that way…but don't be so loud!" said Sho. Well someone was getting himself all worked up. If Shimazaki were to reach into his chest and rip his heart out it would most likely have continued to beat long after his body went cold.
"Ok, ok, I won't remind you of the affair you had behind your future wife's back-" said Shimazaki
"I said shut up! Oh…look what you made me do." Said Sho. He shushed his hamsters and whispered at them. Shimazaki…well he hadn't meant anything by that. God, this caring about other human beings thing was annoying as fuck. Right, time for the kid gloves….the extra soft kid gloves.
"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to piss you off. I didn't even know that it was still a sore spot for you…so sorry. Ok? Friends again?" asked Shimazaki
"Yeah…ok…and we were never not friends. If I could forgive you for the thing with Mine-forget I said anything." Said Sho
"What thing with Toshi?" groaned Shimazaki. God…there were so many things between him and Toshi that he knew Sho would have had a problem with…and also Toshi was kind of being extra…Toshi…but only because they had lost a brand new phone. Still, Toshi was Toshi and he wouldn't have traded them for the world...even to make Sho stop with this crush and the subsequent jealousy for even ten seconds.
"Just how you guys…nothing." Said Sho. Even Shimazaki could tell that he was red. That was the color that people turned when the blood rushed straight to their faces like that. He had a good idea of what Sho was upset about…and he needed to drop that shit right now. So he was in the special part of his life, whatever. So he had probably figured out that people could do more than kiss and that he might like doing some of that, whatever. So he was becoming a teenager and they were the absolute worst people ever, whatever. Puberty did not give Sho the right to be an asshole and it did not give him the right to be jealous of Toshi and all the shit Toshi and him did in the privacy of their own room…or the kitchen when nobody was home…or the garden at three in the morning…or wherever else they felt like it. Nope. This was not something that Sho got to be jealous of.
Shimazaki had taught him better than that.
Sho had that 'the world was built for just two' crap in his head. Shimazaki had been trying to tell him that he could fuck who he loved and fuck who he liked since the subject had come up. He didn't have to feel guilty for whatever he was doing behind his girlfriend's back, he didn't have to feel guilty for whatever feelings he had towards people who were not his girlfriend, and he did not have to be jealous of Toshi. Honestly, the jealousy was what was killing Shimazaki here. If Sho hadn't been jealous then everything could have been alright. He could have lived with the drooling, the blatant staring, and the complete disregard for any and all sense of personal space if it wasn't for the jealousy.
Jealousy was somehow both annoying and boring…not a good combination at all.
"Don't get all upset over how me and Toshi 'nothing' alright? I hate it when you get jealous, it's boring as hell, and I know that you hate being bored just as much as I do." Said Shimazaki. This was that addressing it head on thing that Toshi had told him about…a lighter version of it. Like those crappy skinny cocktails they made for people who wanted to get drunk but didn't want to get fat doing it. Even Mob hated those and she drank literally anything, even that Happoushu shit. This was maybe the thing that he needed to address because he did not need to deal with Sho sitting there and being jealous like this. Nope. Boring as fuck.
"I-I'm not jealous!" said Sho in the most guilty and jealous way possible. Honesty. Shimazaki could feel a headache coming on. He maybe should have borrowed a couple bars from Toshi when he had the chance. It would have meant fewer for them to take, too, though they were a grown adult and they could run their own life. If they wanted to take four bars a day and sleep for twenty hours then that was their business…even though sleeping all day was boring as fuck.
"You are and that's fine, everyone gets jealous…even me sometimes." Said Shimazaki
"You don't get jealous. You even said that you didn't get jealous." Said Sho
"I thought that I didn't." said Shimazaki with a wave of his hand. He wished that he felt so blasé about it. He had never considered himself to be a jealous person, actually he hated jealousy but now…well now he didn't know. He had never been in love before, not like this, and not with someone who just…made him jealous. Toshi wasn't trying to…and they weren't doing anything wrong …even though they had agreed never to fall in love with other people…and he had no idea if they were in love with this Matsuo guy…and even if they were it wasn't like he could order them to not be in love with him or whatever. They weren't his property and they could do whatever they wanted to do…
He just wished that he could have been ok with them doing what they wanted to do.
"…I wish that I didn't…and I don't! I'm not jealous of you and Minegishi and…and I didn't mean anything by that and…and…and that's that!" said Sho. Shimazaki raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. Alright then, he could get a message, time to leave all of this alone.
"Ok, ok, I get it…but you don't ever have to be worried about someone taking your place or whatever. You're still my best friend and you always will be. Even when I'm sixty four." Said Shimazaki
"Sixty four?" asked Sho
"What? You won't still need me and you won't still feed me when I'm sixty four?" asked Shimazaki. He could feel Sho staring at him, this time he was puzzled….which sucked. They had listened and listened and listen to that album at least five times this year. Why did he bother teaching Sho about good music if it was just going to go in one ear and out the other?
"That's a weird number…and I don't feed you right now and you're thirty one…but if you want me to feed you I will." Said Sho. He sounded way too excited about that…but Shimazaki was going to pick his battles carefully.
"Sho…why do I teach you about music if you're not going to actually listen?" asked Shimazaki. There was a pause, a heavy one, before Sho's aura decided to get back to shrieking. Shimazaki covered his ears even though he knew that he was hearing it metaphysically.
"Wait, I remember now! Sorry, I just didn't sleep that good last night and-" said Sho
"Calm down, Sho, calm down. I'm going to forgive you…for now…but it's obvious that we haven't been working enough on your musical education. I bet you still listen to soundtracks with your sister." Said Shimazaki
"Well…she puts them on like when she's cooking and stuff…" said Sho
"I bet you can't even name a single actual album." Said Shimazaki
"I can too! I know that your favorite album of all time, that's not a compilation, is Yellow Submarine and your second favorite album is Abbey Road and then Let It Be is your third favorite album and sixth favorite song. Your fourth favorite album is by some guy named David Bowie and it's called Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars…but it's not as cool as the name makes it sound….and I know that your favorite song of all time is the one about the sunshine coming in and…and I know a lot about music. I remember the stuff you teach me. I remember everything that you tell me." Said Sho. He was ignoring any and all personal space again…and Shimazaki…well he was aware of how alone they were…and how impulsive Sho could be. He was close….and he was tensing up like he was going to get closer…and if he did something stupid then Shimazaki would be forced to deal with the fallout of it…and he did not feel like dealing with any fallout.
So he flicked Sho over the head.
Really he had no other choice. He hadn't done it to hurt Sho, no he would rather have his ski peeled off with the vegetable pasta maker thing that Shibata had, he had done it to knock some sense into him. Shimazaki could not begin to understand what went on in Sho's head, what made him think that any of that was a good idea. Sho….well he had more hormones than sense…or maybe it was the lovesickness….or maybe he was just as smart as Shimazaki had been at that age. He didn't know. He just knew that he had to put a stop to this before it started.
So he flicked Sho in the head again.
"What the fuck was that for?" asked Sho as he rubbed his head. God, why did he have to be so dramatic? Shimazaki had barely touched him. He was almost tempted to actually pop Sho one…not for real, just enough that he would stop being so dramatic all the time…but Shimazaki wasn't going to throw stones. Not when he lived in the world's biggest glass house/
"Because I fucking felt like it." Said Shimazaki. He wasn't about to tell Sho the truth, no, nothing good would come from opening up that expired can of worms.
"Well fuck you then." Said Sho
"Double fuck you." Said Shimazaki. This was something that he understood. Another cursing match. Something to take both of their minds off of what Sho had better have kept unsaid if he knew what was good for him. Sho…he was a good kid…but he was just that, a kid. He was someone who Shimazaki wanted to have cursing matches with, someone he wanted to flick over the head, not someone he wanted to do whatever romantic/filthy ideas Sho had managed to come up with and no doubt currently had playing in his head.
"Triple fuck you…and be quiet. The hamsters can hear you. They have very good hearing." Said Sho
"They're rodents. Do they even speak Japanese? These could have come from anywhere you know. Maybe they speak Chinese or…what else is close?" asked Shimazaki. He didn't really know all that much about geography. He'd held a map once, it hadn't really appealed to him. He just needed to be informed of what county he was in, really, and he was alright. Langue wasn't that big a barrier, really, once he got down to it. People were the same all over, he had found, and gestures along with piles of cash and a willingness to put whatever he could get his hands on into his body was universal.
"We're by China and Indonesia and Australia and Malesia and-" said Sho. He was actually counting off with his fingers as he listed all the countries. Shimazaki wondered how long he would go on for like that…but he didn't have the patience to sit there and listen to Sho list every single country in the world. Boring. He did not do boring.
"Well someone's been doing his homework." Said Shimazaki. Sho glared at him like he'd spat in his cereal and then poured his mother's ashes in it before stirring it with a moldy piece of bread.
"…big sis made me because Tsuchiya made her…and it sucks. I don't see why I have to learn all of this stuff. You've never been to school a day in your life and you turned out ok." Said Sho. Shimazaki…well he had a high school equivalency. He had taken the test the government gave out a few years ago because Toshi asked him to. They said something about having a backup plan if Claw fell or something. Like Claw was ever going to fall….but he still did it, of course, because he had loved them back then too even if he hadn't known it yet. He'd never really had much of a use for school beyond learning how to read. He'd also never expected to live this long…but he wasn't going to spend the remainder of his life in school and he wasn't about to tell Sho to waste away in school either.
"You need to read…and count…and English is important…and music. Never forget music. The rest of it is pretty much useless…well to me. You too, probably, Mr. Future President of the World. You could just pay people to know things for you." Said Shimazaki
"Yeah…yeah….yeah! I could! Fuck homeschool. I'm not doing it today. Today I'm going to hang out with my hamsters…and you. I mean if you want to. You're probably going to be hanging out with Minegishi and stuff…or whatever." Said Sho. He was so bitter in that moment that Shimazaki was afraid that he had eaten one of those berries that grew in the woods. The ones that he had been told were green. The ones that tasted like bitter death. Sho never should have been that bitter. Not even Toshi was that bitter and they could be pretty damn bitter when they really put their mind to it.
"Toshi's sleeping today so I've got plenty of free time. Hang on, let me get your sister's and-" said Shimazaki. Sho was trying to keep him from teleporting. Sho wasn't Mob. Mob had been able to stop him without laying a hand on him. Sho wasn't putting anything of himself into that. He was just reaching out with his hand. He had Shimazaki's wrist under his hand. Shimazaki could feel Sho's heart beating…and the warm rising to the top of his skin…and the way his breathing was turning shallow. His eyes were darting, too, back and forth….back to him and away from him….damn it. One step forward and about twenty steps back…as usual.
"They're…busy. I mean I think that they are. Mukai's been making big sis put makeup on her and that takes time…and big sis has a lot of stuff to do like cleaning and cooking and…other big sis stuff…so maybe we should just hang out…with my hamsters." Said Sho. Shimazaki…he was getting close to telling Sho that he needed to knock this off. That he needed to just find someone else to be in love with because all of this was starting to get kind of exhausting….
But he wasn't going to be an asshole to Sho. The whole caring about people thing.
"Alright, alright, but let's move them to the living room. It's cramped as hell in here." Said Shimazaki. He wasn't exaggerating. It was way too small in here, too closed in, and he just…he needed to put some space between him and Sho….and Sho seemed hell bent on destroying any amount of personal space that might have existed between them.
Like now.
Sho was holding his wrist, still, and he showed no signs of letting go. It wasn't like Sho hadn't ever gotten touchy feely before, no, he was a very tactile person. It was different now. This time…this time was different. There was something else to this…something that he didn't like. Something that he didn't want to deal with. Not now, not tomorrow, and not ever. Toshi…well he knew what Toshi wanted him to do, had been asking him to do for years, but he just…he did not want to deal with that.
Much too boring.
He wasn't actually trying to hold Shimazaki's hand…and the minute he crossed that line Shimazaki was going to say something to him…but not now. Now he was just holding his wrist and…and he could deal with that. He had no choice but to deal with, live with, that…
Hey, it was better than holding onto hamsters all day.