Shimazaki was bad at these sorts of things…but he had to do his best.
Breaking hearts had never been a specialty of his. He had never actually broken someone's heart on purpose. He had never had the chance. He fucked who he wanted to and he fucked who he liked. That was it. He never promised anyone anything that wasn't up to giving. Sure sometimes people assumed that he wanted more than he had offered…and then when they realized the truth they ran to their fathers…and then Shimazaki ended up getting run out of town…
Suzuki did worse than run people out of town.
"Sit there and…give me a minute." Said Shimazaki. He pointed to a spot on the ground and Sho, thankfully, listened. He was clutching something to his chest and shaking. Shimazaki had no idea why Sho was the one who was shaking. He wasn't about to rip someone's heart out…and possibly have to deal with Suzuki. Possibly. Suzuki hated Sho…but he hated the idea of Sho being gay more…and he was just crazy enough to think that Shimazaki might have been the reason that Sho was the way he was. It had something to do with genetics or hormones or something. Shimazaki didn't know…but he did know that Suzuki wasn't going to want to hear that it was probably his fault that his kid was the way he was…and also Suzuki was out of his mind.
He was crazy enough to have thought that Shimazaki had a thing for Mob after all.
The fallout from that was nothing compared to what the fallout from this would be…if Suzuki even gave a damn. Shimazaki honestly didn't know. He just knew that he had brought Sho up to his favorite thinking spot, a wooded area just at the outer reaches of his teleportation field, and now they were going to have a very long talk. A talk away from everyone else, since this was private, and a talk that was long overdue.
A talk that neither of them wanted to have.
"So, you want to tell me what just happened?" asked Shimazaki. He'd start with that. He really had no idea what all of that had been about. Apparently Sho had stolen Toshi's phone and drawn pictures of every single naked picture Toshi had ever taken of him…which made no sense because Toshi's phone had only been missing for a few days and they had taken what must have been hundreds of naked pictures of him by now. He didn't mind it, he liked making Toshi happy, but he did kind of mind Sho stealing from Toshi. The invasion of privacy was pretty meh, he didn't care who saw him naked, and he figured that Sho already thought about him anyway. Either way it was none of his business what Sho did.
Unless it had something to do with Toshi, of course, nobody fucked with Toshi….not even his best friend.
"You teleported us to the woods…that's what happened." Said Sho. Shimazaki was looking at him with his aura. Sho held his sketchbook to his chest. He had barely managed to grab it with his powers before Shimazaki teleported them away. This…why hadn't he hid this stupid thing better?! Why had he thought that under his pile of stuffed animals had been a good place? Well because big sis had found his last hiding place and baby sis was always getting into things that were close to the ground. He had thought that the top bunk was the perfect place. High up and away from both of his sisters.
Obviously he had bene wrong.
And now he had to run away. He could just run into these woods and never be seen again. He would pick a new name and…and he could sell drawings on the beach or…or rob banks or…or sell his blood and stuff. He could make money and then he could save up and get plastic surgery and then he'd be a whole new person and he wouldn't have to run and hide anymore…
That was a stupid plan.
For one thing he couldn't change his aura so, of course, people would be able to find him. For another thing he wasn't capable of leaving his sisters even if they had been kind of annoying lately. For a third thing he just…he wasn't going to be able to get away so easy. Dad may not have been around but he was still the president of Claw and Sho knew what he did to people who tried to defect. He hunted them down like in that movie where the robots got free will and killed people. He hunted the defectors down himself if they were high ranked enough…and Sho was dad's heir so technically he even ranked above both big sis and Fukuda….
Sho didn't want to run away…but he didn't want to be here either…even if he wasn't near Shimazaki.
"No I mean…just…you know what? I am not in any state of mind to be having heavy conversations with you like this. Scoot over." Said Shimazaki before he dropped to the ground beside Sho. Sho, for once, gave him some actual personal space. So he did know what that was. Shimazaki didn't have time to rejoice, however, because he had something that he needed to do. He fished around his coat for something, anything at all….and ended up with two tiny cans of beer, a plastic bag with unlabeled pills, and a box that used to house cigarettes but now housed a bunch of Mob-rolled joints…and now he wanted the cigarettes.
Life was funny that way.
You always wanted what you didn't have. When he had been a kid, a little older than Sho, he had sat down in this very clearing in these very woods wishing that he could have been home. Wishing that he could have been someone else. Wishing that he could have been better. He used to wish for so many things…but he was done with that now. He had what he always wanted…he was happy. He lived in one big bubble of today and happiness. He had no plans for the future, no reverence for the past, and he certainly wasn't afraid. He was, supposedly, living the best life…the one that he had always wanted for himself….and it was still pretty shitty.
Life was funny like that…really fucking funny.
"What are you doing?" asked Sho as Shimazaki pulled out a cigarette and lit it…oh. That wasn't a cigarette. So Shimazaki had brought him out here…to smoke? That was smart since big sis was home and she never let him have anything to drink or smoke these days…but also it made no sense. Shimazaki must have been mad at him. Sho had drawn naked pictures of him and Shimazaki…well he was alright with everything but he must have had his limits. Any minute now he was going to tell Sho that they couldn't be friends anymore because of Sho being weird and that he had never liked Sho I the first place and he wanted to forget that he and Sho had ever met and-
-and he was also going to offer Sho a joint.
"One for me and one for you, that's what I'm doing." Said Shimazaki as he lit a joint and handed it to Sho. The best conversations were had while high, or drunk, or maybe on coke…and he did have coke…but Sho and coke might not have mixed. Hell, Sho and weed didn't exactly mix…but Shimazaki needed to be fucked up for this conversation and he didn't want to get fucked up on his own. Maybe if Sho was a little more relaxed he'd take the coming heartbreak better….
And maybe he would be so high that this all would seem like a terrible dream and then they could go back to business as usual but Shimazaki would be free to tell Toshi that at least he tried….or something.
"You…want to smoke with me?" asked Sho
"No, I'm just really into wasting the good Toshi weed…of fucking course I want to smoke with you. Well what I really want to do is find some dogs and play with them but this is more important." Said Shimazaki before he took a ling drag. Sho tried to match him but his lungs couldn't take it. Well that made sense. He had little baby lungs. He wasn't anywhere near Shimazaki's level…or even Mob's for that matter.
Poor Sho.
Well at least Shimazaki could do something for him…before he tore the still beating heart from Sho's chest and squeezed it like he was ringing out a sock…one of those really absorbent ones. The ones Toshi was always wearing. The soft ones…or maybe the ones with the lotion in them…well they couldn't be wrung out but they were still nice socks. He wondered what kind of socks Toshi was wearing right now. He kind of wanted to trade with them. These socks were getting a hole and it was kind of annoying…God…he wished that Mob was here getting stoned with him and not Sho. Mob loved to talk about socks….and talking about socks was going to be a hell of a lot better than talking about whatever the hell Sho thought he was doing going around stealing from Toshi and leaving naked pictures he drew for people to find.
Parenting was hard…maybe it was best that he and Toshi were never going to have any kids of their own.
"We can do that, you know, we can find some dogs and play with them and then never talk about…stuff." Said Sho
"No, we have to talk about this. Sho…we should have talked about this years ago…keep smoking. Just…keep smoking.' Said Shimazaki. He hated this. He hated heavy talking about things like this. He hated hurting the people he loved the most. He hated being here…this was a good place to think…and this was a good place to leave bad things. Bad feelings. Bad thoughts. Bad…bad everything. Everything bad could be left in these woods…and it would never come back.
Shimazaki had come back…but he was Shimazaki fucking Ryou.
"But…ok. Sure." Said Sho. Dad had told him, before, that he should have been happy that dad only hit him. Dad had said that it was better that he got hit and then everything was done with instead of drawing his punishment out for days and weeks and months. Sho had just thought that dad had just been talking crazy again…but now he got it. Waiting for something bad to happen was worse than something bad happening. He kind of wanted Shimazaki to just kick him in the chest or slap him across the face or just…something.
Something other than this silence.
Shimazaki needed to just get on with it! Sho…he just…he wanted to rip the Band-Aid off and…and if they weren't going to be friends anymore then…then he would have rather have had Shimazaki just tell him so instead of just having one last smoke together or…whatever this was. The sound of the woods…the birds…the wind. The warm breeze…the smoke caught in the air…it was kind of…if he hadn't been so scared and stuff Sho could have just closed his eyes and imagined something else.
Something better.
He clutched his sketchbook to his chest. If he hadn't been so scared he would have imagined that they were on a date. That this was like in that movie he saw where the guy brought the girl out to the woods and held her…and kissed her…and then they did it right there on the ground. They just did it right there and…and he had no idea how two guys even did it…but it would have been nice to kiss him and just…and just….Shimazaki would have been on top of him and…and then…
…and then he got flicked over the head.
"Knock it off. That's what got us in this mess in the first place." Said Shimazaki as he flicked Sho upside the head much more lightly than he deserved. Sho needed to come off of this. He had been terrified a second ago and now he was back to thinking about doing God only knew what with him. This kid…puberty was a bitch and a half and none of this was his fault. Puberty made you an idiot. It made you do stupid things like steal phones and draw naked pictures and leave them where people could find.
Maybe Toshi had a point…maybe it was best to kill this thing before it got any worse.
"I-I wasn't doing anything! You don't know what I was doing…um….I'm high. I'm really high!" said Sho
"You are but that doesn't change the fact that I know exactly what you were thinking about and that's exactly what got us into this mess…God…you know, Sho, this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you." Said Shimazaki. That was what you were supposed to say before you sprayed your son with a hose and then whipped him with a belt…and Shimazaki wasn't going to do that…and he wasn't going to leave Sho out here to die either….so maybe he shouldn't have said that…but he had no clue what he was even going to say!
Words, maybe, preferably Japanese ones.
"How about neither of us gets hurt? Why isn't that an option?" asked Sho. That was such a weird thing to say. Wouldn't it have made sense that nobody got hurt and then they went and climbed trees and found birds and collected rocks to throw at people and stuff. That would have made more sense than what Shimazaki had just said…and also it would have made more sense than he laugh that Shimazaki was doing now.
That wasn't his normal laugh.
Sho had heard him laughing before, it was the best sound in the world, and this wasn't it. This was like…like he was laughing without their being any happiness in his laughing. Like his voice was just coming out and he was breathing and stuff…he just….that wasn't right. Sho wanted him to stop. He wanted Shimazaki to stop and he just…he wanted….he wanted…
He wanted to go back in time and stop any of this from happening…but if he went back in time he probably was going to end up erasing himself from existence so he wasn't going to even try.
"Sho…" said Shimazaki as his joint burnt down to a roach. He flicked it onto the ground. Biodegradable. That was what it meant. Sending him back to the Earth from whence it came and all of that. Toshi would have been so proud of him….though if he came home and told Toshi that, no, he hadn't told Sho to kick rocks but he had given back to the Earth Toshi would have gone to sleep in the garden….and not come out until Shimazaki did what he had to do.
"We can climb trees-" said Sho
"Sho." said Shimazaki
"We can find birds and talk to them." Said Sho
"Sho, listen-" said Shimazaki
"We can find rocks and then throw them at people. That sounds fun…right?" asked Sho
"Sho…that sounds better to me right now than you can even imagine…but we have to talk. You done with your joint?" asked Shimazaki
"Yeah…" said Sho. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to run and climb and jump and play and just…do something other than talk. Do something that was exhausting. Do something that would take up so much time and brain space that Shimazaki forgot what they had even come out here to do.
"Then toss your joint on the ground. Send it back to the earth from whence it came." Said Shimazaki
"Wouldn't it be better for us to toss these in the garden? I mean…like…I don't know." Said Sho quietly. He held his sketchbook to his chest and brought his knees up. Shimazaki was looking at him again. He was looking at him with his aura. He was staring straight forward…well he would have been if he could see. Sho…he wished that Shimazaki could see…just so that he could look away. Shimazaki saw in all directions. Sho…he wished that there was a direction he could run in…because he did not want to talk.
Or sit in silence.
They were sitting in the quiet of the woods again. Shimazaki sighed every so often. He seemed tired. His shoulders were slumped and he was playing with the zipper on his jacket. Sho played with the spirals of the sketchbook in his hand. He wondered if he could throw this away…but he didn't want to…but he could have. He could have just tossed it as hard as it could and then it would be gone…but he didn't want this to be gone….
He didn't want Shimazaki to be gone.
"You know…this is a good place to leave things that you don't want. Memories…junk…roaches…people." Said Shimazaki
"Are…are you going to kill me?" asked Sho
"No. I would never kill you. I lov-I like you a lot. You're my best friend…get it? Just my best friend." Said Shimazaki
"I know. We're best friends. We agreed to be best friends a while ago…and you still want to be best friends…right?" asked Sho. He knew that, if Shimazaki didn't want to be his friend anymore, he just…he had nobody to blame but himself. He was the one who had been in love with him….and he was the one who had drawn all the pictures….and he was the one who had left this stuff where people could find them….and he just…
He didn't know. He just didn't know.
"You know that I do." Said Shimazaki
"Then….then why did you bring me to a place where you leave stuff that you don't want?" asked Sho
"Because I've done a lot of thinking out here. Back when I was a kid my dad would drive me out to these woods and leave me here to die. Well not here specifically but these woods…and I'd come to this clearing a lot. Don't eat any berries, by the way. I know that the green ones are poisonous but I have no idea what green is so, yeah, don't fuck with any berries." Said Shimazaki
"I don't even like berries that much….and I have candy in my pockets too." Said Sho
"What kind?" asked Shimazaki
"Melted M&M's." said Sho
"Save those for when you get hungry. There's not a lot to eat out here…what am I saying? I can teleport…God…I am too high right now." Said Shimazaki as he ran a hand through his hair. It was too hot out. He could feel the sun beating down on him through the trees….and he could feel sweat running down his back…and he just…he needed to take off his jacket…but he didn't want to be all…exposed. He should have been the one in Sho's coat…he was certainly acting like a kid…
He was too old to hide.
"Are-are you too high to get us home?" asked Sho. He wanted to go home…and he wanted to run away…but he didn't want to live in these woods. Not if these were the same woods where Shimazaki was left to die. He just…he wanted to be on his own…and he wanted to be with Shimazaki…but he mostly just wanted…he held his sketchbook so close he could feel it starting to bend. He wanted…he wanted to be with Shimazaki. He knew now…or at least he knew that Sho thought about him naked…and…and you didn't have to be in love with someone to think about them being naked….and other stuff….Sho had read that in a book….but…
But he was in love with Shimazaki…and if he knew then…then Sho…Sho had no idea where they went from there.
"No, I can find our way home…but we're not done here yet. Alright? I just…I have to think. I have to figure out how I can say what I have to say without freaking you out….or breaking your heart." Said Shimazaki. That was pretty much the same as acknowledging that Sho was in love with him…right? He could go home now…right? Well…no. Sho…he wasn't breathing…and he was tense like he was going to bolt. Shimazaki put his hand on Sho's shoulder.
That was the wrong thing to do.
Sho was breathing again…which was good….but also he was acting like he wanted Shimazaki to pick him up and act out whatever the hell went on his head. Shimazaki had some idea, he had been in Toshi's phone after all, and Toshi…well he knew that their phone was a strictly R18+. His phone was boring as hell, aside from all the audio files of Toshi breathing….but that meant nothing to anyone other than him. Sho...he had better not have seen….well Shimazaki didn't know exactly what Toshi had taken pictures of but…yeah. They were a very visual person and…yeah.
This was….yeah.
"Breaking….breaking my heart? You…you wouldn't do that…because there's nothing to break! I mean I have no heart!" said Sho. This was bad…he had to run away…but he couldn't run away. Shimazaki as holding onto him, for one thing, and for another thing he was going to die out here. He only had a few melted M&M's to live off of and all the plants could have been poisonous…and if he died neither of his sisters would ever have been able to forgive him….so he wasn't going to run away…
But maybe if he played dumb enough then Shimazaki would get sick of him and then they'd go and do something fun.
"So what, you're a ghoul?" laughed Shimazaki
"Y-Yeah….I'm a ghoul." Said Sho. He didn't know what a ghoul was…and he had never seen one…but also he just…if ghouls didn't have hearts and weren't in love with their best friends then he was the biggest ghoul who had ever lived!
"Should I find you some human hearts to eat then?" asked Shimazaki
"Um….maybe later." Said Sho
"Well let's focus on yours before I get a knife and start fileting people….and before you say anything I know that you have a heart. I can hear it beating…and I know why it's beating like that." Said Shimazaki
"Because I eat a lot of salt?" asked Sho
"No…well yeah, you eat like crap, but no. Sho…I know how you feel." Said Shimazaki
"That….I'm really hot?" asked Sho
"No, I mean how you feel about me." Said Shimazaki. There. Done. The duct tape had been torn off of his eyebrows. The leap of faith had been taken. The nail gun had been pressed to the inner webbing between his toes and the trigger had been pulled. Now all he had to do was deal with the fallout…or the...whatever that sound was.
It sounded kind of like the sound a bomb made while it dropped.
It was like a high pitched whistling. Like in that movie when the a-bomb fell…or maybe he was just expecting that. Maybe he was just hearing what he wanted to hear. He had just dropped an a-bomb on this friendship that he and Sho had. There was no coming back from this. This was…this was what their relationship was now.
Sho playing dumb….that was what this relationship was now.
"That I think that you're the coolest guy who ever lived?" asked Sho. He rubbed the back of his neck and dug his feet into the dirt. Shimazaki knew the truth….but Sho…he could play dumb until Shimazaki got bored. Playing dumb was boring and Shimazaki hated boring things. Maybe if Sho was boring enough then Shimazaki could…well not hate him but…but maybe just…go away and forget what had happened and then…and then things could go back to normal.
Things would never go back to normal.
"No that…god damn it! Sho, I know that you're in love with me. I know that you've had a crush on me for years, since we met probably, and…and I know that-" said Shimazaki
"I don't know what you're talking about! I don't….I'm not in love with you and…and…and it's all lies! All of it!" said Sho as he jumped to his feet. Shimazaki pulled him right back down to the ground….he was so strong like that. Sho felt goosebumps run up and down his back…and if he felt that then Shimazaki could tell…
He knew.
He knew everything. He knew and…and Sho…he needed to run away. He needed to get out of here. He needed to get out of here and…and he just…he didn't care if he died out in the woods. He wanted to die out in the woods, his biggest secret was out and…and Shimazaki…he knew. He knew that Sho wanted to be his boyfriend. He knew that Sho wanted to hold his hand. He knew that Sho wanted to kiss him. He knew that Sho wanted to see his dick in real life…he had no idea what he was going to do with it…but Shimazaki…he knew what Sho thought of him and wanted to do with him and even if Sho didn't about all the stuff that people did….and he never would know because Shimazaki didn't like him like that….
And Sho had ruined everything with his stupid feelings….his incredibly stupid feelings….
"Sho. No. Sit your ass down and stop lying to me. That's the one thing that pisses me off. Don't lie to me, don't lie to anyone, and don't lie to yourself either. You're in love with me. You've had the biggest crush on me that you've ever had in your life. I know it, you know it, and everyone knows it. Ok? You love me and-" said Shimazaki
"Stop saying that shit! I don't…I don't want you to-to say that! I just…don't look at me!" said Sho. He let his sketchbook his the ground. He tucked his head down low and pulled his coat across his face. He couldn't get his jacket closed and…and Shimazaki was still looking at him! Shimazaki was looking at him and…and he just…he was blind! What in the hell was he looking at him for!? Shimazaki was looking at him and…and Sho could feel him moving and….
And now there was something heavy on top of his head.
"Here. That coat isn't the best for hiding it. The top snaps always come undone. Here, use mine…ok? That's actually why I picked this coat out…did I ever tell you why I got this coat?" asked Shimazaki
"Because you outgrew the one that I'm wearing right now." Said Sho with a sniff. He wasn't going to cry….he had to keep himself from crying…but it was hard…but he could do it. He had to do it. The only thing that could make this worse was if he started crying.
"No, well yeah, but I picked this specific coat because I was small enough to hide in it…back when I got it. I used to do that a lot, hide, back when I was only a few years older than you." Said Shimazaki
"What…what were you hiding from? Yakuza stuff?" asked Sho. He wiped his eyes as best as he could in the dark. It was hot in here…and it smelled good. It smelled like sweat and cologne and aftershave and chocolate and just…it smelled good. It smelled like safety and acceptance and love….but no, not love, not anymore. Love…love was….not what he felt right now. He didn't know what he felt right now but…but it wasn't love…
Well it was…but he couldn't let it be love.
"Yeah, mostly. My own fuck ups…well back when they used to bother me I would ruminate on shit and think about it until I tried to hide from my own brain. Stupid, right?" asked Shimazaki with a laugh
"No…that's not stupid. I do…I do the same thing…but it's stupid of me to do this. I'm just…I'm so stupid….I can't believe that I was so stupid…" said Sho. Now he was crying. Now he was crying and…and at least he wasn't sobbing. His heart hurt. Maybe he was having a heart attack. Maybe he was dying…he wished that he was dying…he wanted to drop dead right there. He wanted to crawl into the Suzuki family grave rock…thing…and say hi to his grandparents. He wanted…he wanted his spirit to pass on…and he never wanted to see Shimazaki again…
But he wanted Shimazaki to hold him close and….and stuff….
"Stealing Toshi's phone? Yeah, that was stupid. Leaving all those drawings of me around where people could find? Yeah, that was stupid as hell. But the way you feel about me…that's not stupid. There is nothing stupid about being in love with someone." Said Shimazaki
"It is stupid…because I know that you don't love me back….and now you know and…and I know that you don't want to be my friend anymore." Said Sho
"Why? Because you want to fuck me?" asked Shimazaki
"What the hell!? Why would you say that?" asked Sho. He pulled the coat off of his head…and it was a lot cooler now….but way too bright. There was way too much sun and…and Shimazaki was facing him. Shimazaki was actually facing him and…and his eyes were kind of opened…and it felt like Shimazaki was actually for real looking at him…and…he just….
He looked down at his shoes.
"Because it's the truth…and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people want to fuck me and you're getting to that age where you're going to want…well to fuck. That's normal." Said Shimazaki. He was going to get this right. No shame. He wasn't going to shame Sho for this….he wasn't going to shame Sho for anything. He was going to go and grow up weird if Shimazaki shamed him…and there was nothing wrong with how he felt anyway….
Just what he was doing about it.
"Please….stop saying fuck." Said Sho as he stared down at his shoes. There was some grass poking out in the dirt…like it was hoping to grow into a tree or something…well that was never going to happen. Sho dug his shoe into the grass. There. Now it felt like he felt. Hopeless….he had always known that there wasn't any hope….but now he especially knew that there wasn't any hope.
This whole thing was hopeless.
"Fine. How about….ok. You're at the age when a boy becomes a man and in becoming in a man you want the same stuff that a man does. You want…God, I sound like a dad…well not my dad. My dad…well he threw a box of condoms at my head and told me not to get anyone pregnant…and then when he caught me in bed with this guy I absolutely loved…well dad had him killed….and he tried to kill me too…beat the shit out of me…what was I talking about? Puberty. Right. Toshi got you books about that, right?" asked Shimazaki
"They did…"said Sho. He didn't want to think about Minegishi or Shimazaki being in love with someone else…or being in love in general. This was what love was…and it hurt…and he wanted it to just stop…but it was never going to stop, was it? This was…his heart felt like the shoelace on his left shoe…caught on a fence and ripped in half….
This was what people meant by heartbreak.
"Toshi's smart like that…like….I never would have thought of that, right? Hell, I didn't know that much actually when I did try and talk to you about this shit…but ok. I don't know about all that reproductive science shit but I do know about feelings and love and…and how much it can hurt. You love me…and that's ok. I love you too…but as a friend. I don't care how you feel about me I just need you to know that I don't love you back and that I can't love you back…ok? I just….don't think about you in that way. You're my best friend, pretty much my kid, and even if you were my age it wouldn't happen, ok? So just…toss one or two or twenty off to me, draw however many naked pictures of me you want, stare at me and sigh….but don't think that it'll ever go anywhere and don't fuck with Toshi…alright?" asked Shimazaki. He had done it right. He…well he had rambled and shit…but he had gotten to the point. It felt like he had just sprinted a mile. His heart was pounding and he was thirsty as fuck….and all they had was warm beer…ok. When this was done they were going to get some cold beers and they were going to hang out and have fun just like before.
There. It was done and now…well now they could move forward with their lives. Finally.
"….ok…." said Sho. He kept on staring at his shoes. His heart was dropping out of his chest, the goldfish in his stomach was a zombie and it was eating all the others, and he could feel his soul trying to crawl out of his eyes….that was what all the crying was about. At least his shoes were normal. They were dirty and starting to come apart. He kept on looking at them even though he knew that they weren't going to get any better. He kicked his sketchbook. Not hard, no, just enough that it got dirty. He hated that notebook and he hated himself and he hated love and he hated Shimazaki and he hated the world and he hated the sun and he hated the universe…
But most of all he hated the fact that he knew what it felt like when your heart broke.