Suzuki honestly didn't now whether he wanted to kill Fukuda or kiss him.
Killing him…well that had it's appeal. Fukuda had run away after all. Running away was pretty much the same as defecting. He wasn't going to take the excuse that Shigeko had banished him. She didn't have that kind of power first of all, and second of all the only way someone left Claw was in an urn. Claw s for life. That life could be drastically shortened if one was a traitor…
But Fukuda Tadashi was no traitor.
He was just…an idiot? Maybe. Suzuki couldn't think of another reason that he found his…friend…associate…person who he was very angry with in his house…sitting at his table…drinking a cup of tea while something godawful played on the radio. Fukuda just sat there with a cup of tea like…like this was normal…like Suzuki had just popped in on him in his house…not Suzuki's….Fukuda was…he was just sitting there like normal….
Somehow that just made it all worse.
"Hey…Suzuki…boss. Hi." Said Fukuda. He was not a traitor. He was just…a person who had decided on his own to move to Suzuki's house and just…live here. That did not make him a traitor…and logically he knew that this place was a waste of a house. It made perfect sense that Fukuda had settled here….it was a perfectly logical move to make….moving into this house….
Emotion was hardly ever based in logic.
"Fukuda. I found you." Said Suzuki. Technically it was Hatori who had found him. Shigeko had summoned Fukuda back to Japan…back to the group which was currently living in Japan…but Fukuda seemed to have only gotten the Japan part of the message. That was why he was here and not with Shigeko. Here…in this house….the last house that Suzuki had ever shared with Masami…
The only house that the two of them had ever shared.
"Yeah…here I am." Said Fukuda. He got up from the table and put his teacup in the sink…one of Masami's….the white cat. Masami's favorite film is, was, and always would be the one about the aristocratic cats. The French ones. She loved that movie….she had so much paraphernalia from that movie…like the teacup in Fukuda's hand. China, fine china, or at least the look of it. Masami….she would have known….but she wasn't here. It was just him here…and Fukuda…and Hatori though he'd wandered off somewhere…
It wasn't as though he could have left Hatori alone.
If he left Hatori alone then…then it would have just been him and Fukuda alone in this house….and then he might have killed Fukuda. Hatori was little more than a child and he could not have handled…well Sho had handled it well…but Sho was his actual son. Hatori was just a son aged person who he had to, occasionally, prioritize the wellbeing of. That was why he was here….and honestly….Fukuda was lucky that Hatori was here….because Suzuki was inching closer and closer to killing him….
Or at least seriously injuring him.
"I see that. Why?" asked Suzuki. He…was going to control himself. He was not going to lose control of his powers or himself. He was not a child. He and Fukuda were not children anymore. He couldn't just shove Fukuda to the ground, jump on top of him, and hit him until he felt better. He was not a little boy anymore, he as a grow man, and he…well he easily could have beaten him up. He was Suzuki Touichirou, he could do whatever he wanted, and he wanted to beat Fukuda up…like a child would have….but he was not a child anymore…
If he had been a child, if they had both been children, then…well there were other things that he would have done.
Fukuda was leaning against the sink now. He had rinsed his cup out. He had always been good about that. Suzuki…well he had never seen the point. The dishwasher was supposed to do all the work, that was why it was invented. His time was much too valuable for that. Hell, his time was much too valuable for this as well. He had something to do….he had a lot of things to do. He had to oversee, he should have been overseeing, the reconstruction of the Seventh Division…he had a pile of work on his desk at Tokyo HQ…there were some mutterings of an uprising in Shanghai….there was so much that he had to do…
But he was here…with Fukuda…with Tadashi….
"Well?" asked Suzuki. He didn't feel like waiting around for Fukuda to decide…to decide what he was going to say. He was thinking. He was making that face he made when he thought, Suzuki didn't even have to look at his aura to know what was happening in his mind, he just…he just had to look at him. The way his eyes narrowed…the way his brow furled….the way he bit his lower lip…
Suzuki could have kissed him.
If he had been a woman then he would have wanted to kiss him. He would have wanted Fukuda to pick him up by the waist and sit him on the counter….like he'd imagined doing with Masami so many times before. He would have wanted Fukuda to pick him up, sit him on the counter, and then kiss him. He really was a good kisser, well he had been when they had been young, they hadn't…well they had, a year ago, but that had been different. That had just been…well he couldn't remember what his exact reasoning had been…..but it must have been different from what his reasoning was…not that he even knew what that reasoning was. He…well if he had been a woman…but why was he even thinking like this?!
Because he hadn't seen Fukuda in months…nearly four months…a third of the year.
"Fukuda. Explain." Said Suzuki. He…he needed to know why…why Fukuda had gone. Well Shigeko had banished him…but Shigeko…well she was a woman and a lot of what she did came from a very emotional place, not a logical one, a bit like how Masami had been. How many times had something upset her, some tiny invisible thing, in this house? How many times had she slumped down over this table with a cup of tea and a sigh? How many times…he closed his eyes. Ghosts. He was seeing ghosts…and when he saw ghosts he had to exorcise them…
He had no idea how in the hell he was supposed to exorcise Masami.
He opened his eyes. Fukuda's met his. That was one way to exorcise a ghost. There was something to his eyes…little flecks of something in his irises. He had brown eyes, most people did, but Fukuda's were unusually bright. They were bright…especially in this light. Masami had picked out these lights because they were both bright and warm. They were good for homes, she'd said, made the house feel more like a house and less like a collection of rooms….but that was exactly what a house was…a collection of rooms. This was a collection of rooms and…and he was in this collection of rooms…and Masami was gone…but Fukuda was here…Fukuda was here and…and he was….complex was a word that came to mind…
He had no idea why.
Fukuda was not a complex man. He was two weeks older than Suzuki and used to lord it over him when they were children. He used to say that he should have been president because he was older and had more life experience. He used to lord the fact that he was bigger than Suzuki over him too. Even back when he'd been at his physical best, a lifetime of swinging a shinai around would do that, Fukuda had been bigger and stronger than him. Broader, too, even when they had been especially young….Fukuda had always had really broad shoulders….Suzuki…he had no idea what he even cared about that…why he even noticed…
There was more to Fukuda than broad shoulders.
He, for some reason, had dedicated six years of his life playing an instrument that he hated. Suzuki had no idea what he had against the clarinet or why he'd thrown it off a mountain back when they'd graduated school…but it had been a good day…especially since it had happened after mother and father died. Suzuki…well he had needed that, getting out of his own mind, and Fukuda had known it. He'd always had a good sense for what Suzuki needed, he could admit this now, and…and it had always been nice having someone around who knew just what he needed. That was…something that he liked about Fukuda…even though he was so…so annoying….
The most annoying.
He rinsed out his cups even though there was a dishwasher. He snored and tossed and turned in his sleep. He ran hot too, like a furnace, which made sleeping under a blanket nearly impossible. He also overstepped….like with Sho….Fukuda had never been good at knowing his place. It wasn't difficult to know his place, he had to do as he was told, and….and he could be so dense sometimes! Like now! What was there to think about?! He just had to explain himself!
How hard could that possibly be!?
He just had to explain why he'd betrayed…everything. Deception was a form of betrayal. He had said, actually said, that he had been planning on staying behind in England so Sho could spend time with his girlfriend….but instead he'd taken Sho off to see Mukai…the very child that Fukuda had convinced Suzuki to get rid of. Adopt out. Rehome, like Shiori's cat had been rehomed to her. That baby…Mukai….Fukuda had taken her away for her own good, he had said, and…and with that came the implication that the children would have been kept away from her! He…he did NOT want to raise that child! He didn't even know how! He….Masami had always been the one to take care of the children and…and he had never wanted to be with…to be alone with the children….and he had never wanted to have another one! Not without Masami! Now there was this child here and he…and he had to…to raise this child and…and…
And it was all Fukuda's fault!
He hated reality. He hated this reality. He hated every single second that passed. He hated…he hated the reality that had been made for him….the one that he'd made for himself. The one that he had to live in. This world…this world was his and…and he was the one who had made Mukai and he was the one who had…who had….he didn't even know why he felt guilty….Masami was gone and it wasn't like he could betray someone who betrayed him first…or maybe he was just angry with himself…or maybe he was angry with Fukuda…or maybe he was just…angry…so angry and…
He had to keep control of himself.
"Fukuda. Explain. Now." Said Suzuki. This time Fukuda did speak. He sighed, a whole body thing, and slumped his shoulders. He felt guilty now. That was how he looked when he was guilty and…and he was right to feel like this. He hadn't just made one mistake…he'd made so many….and now…now he had to atone for them!
Or at least explain himself.
"Shigeko kicked me out." Said Fukuda
"She doesn't have that kind of power. You know that." Said Suzuki. Fukuda…for some reason…one that he could not explain…laughed. He laughed and…and nothing about this was funny! Suzuki…he had to control himself. He had…he had to worry about…about Hatori. He didn't care what happened to Fukuda. He didn't care if he beat Fukuda to death with his bare hands…or kissed him until his mouth was raw…or did a little of both…but he had to think about…about the other person there. Shigeko…if something happened to her friend then she would have been very upset with him…
And the last thing that he wanted, needed, was to upset Shigeko.
"Does she? You know…I thought that she outranked me. I thought that she outranked everyone but you." Said Fukuda with a laugh. Suzuki…well that was something. She didn't have power over Fukuda…well she did….but…well he would have to work out exactly which of them had more power….and…and what if this whole thing…came from that? What if he hadn't chosen to leave…but…but why did he even care?!
"What are you laughing at? I can admit that the power structure of Claw has become a bit…muddled…and I will fix that as soon as I can. It's not funny, though, so stop laughing." Said Suzuki
"It is…it's so fucking-" said Fukuda
"Don't curse." Said Suzuki out of reflex.
"Don't be a hypocrite." Said Fukuda. Suzuki took a step closer, their auras met, but Fukuda's did not retreat. He could have…well he couldn't have retreated. His aura was already very small and close. His aura…it felt….Suzuki pulled back. He didn't even….caring made no sense. Caring about Fukuda…his aura…everything….well not everything. Fukuda had called him a hypocrite after all…and Suzuki…he could have killed him for that…or kissed him even….
"Don't speak to me like that. You know not to speak to me like that." Said Suzuki
"What? Am I not allowed to curse or not allowed to point out your blatant hypocrisy. You used to curse, I know that you remember. I mean why in the hell did your mom make you eat all of that soap for?" asked Fukuda
"….I am a grown man and so are you…so stop cursing…and watch your mouth. I am very, very, VERY close to killing you." Said Suzuki. There was another laugh from Fukuda. Suzuki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He…he got his aura under control. He heard something rattling in the cabinets…the plates…the old plates. Masami had picked them out. She had picked out every single glass, plate, utensil, appliance, piece of décor, and even the wall paper and floor tiles. This room…this room was…it was Masami's and…and he shouldn't have given a damn. He should have taken this room, no, this whole house down. It wasn't like she was ever going to live here again…it wasn't like anyone was ever going to live here again…in this house…
No, this tomb.
This was a tomb with a shrine, one of those places that older houses had for families to honor their dead. There was no such place in this house. His parents, or at least the largest parts of them that could be found, had been incinerated years ago. They were gone. They had passed on. They were gone from this world and there was no point in digging up what few pictures survived of them, lighting some incense, and saying a prayer. Pointless….so much pointlessness…..this house….it was so pointless….and it was illogical and idiotic to let it stand without purpose….
But he wasn't feeling very logical right now.
"Then why don't you just do it already? Just kill me or don't, I don't care." Said Fukuda
"You…want to die?" asked Suzuki. He….he had no idea what he was supposed to do with that information. He…had been literal…but now he had to conceptualize a world without Fukuda in it. They had been apart before…for so long….but…but he had always been in the world and…and Suzuki had killed people before, more people than he could even count…..but Fukuda…he wasn't going to be one of them….
He just…he didn't have it in him.
"I want you to do whatever it is that you want to do. I can't stop you, nobody can, so just…get on with it. I already explained-" said Fukuda
"You didn't explain anything. You just told me that you…that you thought that you were obligated to follow Shigeko's orders." Said Suzuki
"What do you want me to explain, then? What is so-" said Fukuda
"I want to know why you did it…why did you deceive me? I trusted you…and you deceived me." Said Suzuki. There was another rattle from the cabinet. The windows rattled this time, too, and Suzuki…he had to keep calm…even though something inside of him hurt. He wanted to vomit…he had…he had said…he had said something that he only should have thought. She was looking at him….Masami…or at least her ghost. She had seen him being so very…so very weak….he just…he didn't know what he was supposed to do now. He could feel his stomach churning and….and he just…how could he have said that?!
Out loud. With words.
"I did it for Sho. Keeping him from his sibling…it was cruel." Said Fukuda. Sho…SHO?! Fukuda had deceived him because of that ungrateful little brat! That…that…Fukuda had betrayed him for the biggest mistake that he had ever made!? Sho…he was the very worst of Suzuki. He was emotional, he was illogical, he was….he had no concept of…of anything! Sho was half of him…the worst half of him…and maybe the worst half of Masami too. He collected animals like she did even though they served no purpose. He was overly emotional like she had been even though Sho KNEW how important emotional control was. Sho was just…he was a mess! He was the very worst of both his parents and if he hadn't been Suzuki's flesh and blood son then…then he would have rehomed him just like he'd rehomed Mukai….
Sho was not worth…any of this.
"Sho…was not worth betraying me…and anyway you're the one who wanted to rehome Mukai. She was perfectly fine with Shigeko-" said Suzuki
"Shigeko was a ten year old girl. She was in no way equipped to take care of a child…and Sho…he's even younger than her! They were kids and….and keeping her near would have been bad for her, too, dangerous. She would have had a giant, neon, blinking target on her back! I did what was best but none of you can see that….so either kill me or don't….but just get on with it so we can get back to normal….whatever the fuck that even is." Said Fukuda. That last fuck…that had been it. The thing that…well that Suzuki…hadn't been able to accept. He couldn't accept…well he could. Fukuda…he made perfect sense. He made perfect sense and…and it made logical sense…and Suzuki…he could see the sense it made….the logical sense…
But Suzuki was not feeling very logical right now.
What he was feeling like, right now, was beating up Fukuda…so that was what he did. With his fists, not his powers, like they were children again. He hit Fukuda across the face….which was painful as the human skull was very hard….so therefore the next place to hit him was in the stomach. He went down….and Suzuki…well he didn't stop. He pinned him down…his back was killing him…but he kept him pinned and rained blows down upon him…
Fukuda grabbed his arm.
The next thing Suzuki knew he was on his back. He was looking up at the kitchen ceiling…the paint was cracking and somehow a number of cobwebs had accumulated, with Fukuda held his wrist in his hand. He could have put up a barrier. He could have shoved him off. He could have drained him like a battery. He could have done a lot of things….he was Suzuki Touichirou after all…but his powers…usually they acted on their own….but now they were just not acting at all. He was there….on the floor…his back was killing him…the linoleum was cool against his back….which was good because he was warm….very warm…
"Are you done yet?" asked Fukuda. This was how it went when they had been young, too. He…he was bigger and stronger…even when Suzuki had been in the prime of his high school kendo career….Fukuda had been able to pin him down, just like this. Suzuki…if he had been younger then he would have just pushed him off with his powers and then it all would have been over. Fukuda…had never deceived him though….so they wouldn't be ending this now and heading down to the arcade or their fort or the store on the corner in search of sustenance. They were older….and Fukuda….he had never deceived him like this before…never broken his trust…that was what had happened. There had been so much trust and…and he hadn't even been able to see it…but now…now he was being pinned down and…and there was anger and…and something else….and…and he wasn't done….
He kissed Fukuda.
He leaned up and kissed him. The whole thing lasted for five seconds. That five seconds…his heart had stopped beating for those five seconds. This was not at all an act of adultery. He was not married…and Fukuda wasn't a woman…and anyway this hadn't come from romantic or sexual feelings. He had just…felt emotionally overwhelmed….so he had done what he could to…to relieve the pressure….like with a pressure cooker or….or something….he just had to something to relieve the pressure and he had…and they broke apart.
A string of saliva connected them.
That was….something that happened when one kissed another person. It wasn't unpleasant or disgusting or…or anything like that. It had just been…it just was….he…he could feel his powers. Fukuda was on top of him…staring….Suzuki…he didn't want to be stared at! He needed…..he needed to…to just….he did not need to be stared at right now!
So he pushed Fukuda off.
Now his powers were listening. They were doing more than listening, no, they were acting on their own now. They decided, without his input, to send Fukuda flying across the room. There was a slam, a thunk, and then a groan….and also a new dent in the dishwasher. That was fine, it wasn't like Fukuda was going to be using it…it wasn't like Masami was ever going to using it again….it wasn't like anyone was going to be using it again. This kitchen….this house….everything in it…this place was a shrine…and a tomb…or….well whatever it was it was not the place for people.
They were done here.
"Now I'm done." Said Suzuki. He got up as best he could. He tried not to show the twinges he felt as he moved, this was not good for his back at all, he could not show any more weakness. Not to Fukuda, not to the ghost of Masami, and not to himself either. He had to get up, he had to collect Hatori, and then they all, the three of them, had to get out of here and back to their lives.
He hadn't killed Fukuda but he had kissed him…and now it was over and he finally could move on.