raisons d'être

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.
Date: Feb. 12, 2006
Warnings: bit of bad language, and some steamy stuff
A/N: Thank you to all the wonderful people who have reviewed. I appreciate all your comments so much; I'm so happy that you all like it! I had a little bit of trouble with this, butI think that this finished product is exactly what I was aiming for. Hopefully it's up to standard! Enjoy!

xXx

NIGHT- Chapter Four
The sky was clear, a black canvas dotted with shining speckles of star. The moon was beautiful– bright and big and shining with an unmatched intensity. The night was gorgeous.

But nobody was there to enjoy it.

Tohru and Yuki were asleep, Kyo was moping around the house somewhere, and Shigure was in his study, typing a few keystrokes every now and again. The story was progressing– slowly, but it had quality– and he wanted to mash out his ideas before they were lost.

He stretched out his arms above his head, hardly bothering to stifle his relieved groan. Surprisingly, his latest work had been much more "G-rated" than his usual books were. That is to say... No explicit, smutty sex scenes. Avid fans of his were sure to come flocking anyway of course, but... Well, he– as the author– knew why it was different, and the reason was more than a little unsettling. For every time he sat down to write of supple skin and quivering thighs, the only ones he could think about were... hers.

And though he was the self-proclaimed horniest bastard that ever lived, something deep inside him cringed every time he began to pull from his experience with her. There was something almost sacred in their unions, and because of the rarity of such an experience, he wasn't about to do anything to defile it.

Words were so cheap, and in his romance-ridden world of passion and pleasure, cheap was one thing he didn't need. But she... He needed her. Like sustenance, breath: she lived, and that gave him life. When all things faded, he would remember. And when they all turned on her, something that seemed to be hurtling faster and faster towards 'inevitable', he would be there, ready to hold and comfort, and help her pick up all the pieces.

Because even with all his flaws, he was still so devoted.

He chuckled dryly– mirthlessly– to himself as he fished around in one of the desk's drawers for a lighter. He felt so inhuman, reminded again and again of the nature of his curse. He was loyal– he was a good boy. But how wretchedly unfair, to be shunned by the very master he served.

Shigure took a long, slow drag of his cigarette. She really was on his mind more often as of late. He could smell her, taste her– he could feel her, warm and soft, trembling beneath him. She really was consuming, taking over his mind and soul until she was the only thing his body craved. He would always remember that helpless craving– that feeling of longing that overran everything else.

He leaned back in his chair and sighed. He needed a distraction.

"Shigure!" A loud voice– Kyo's loud voice announced, the boy himself standing outside the study.

'Ask and you shall receive,' Shigure mused, extinguishing the cigarette and pulling up the persona that Kyo knew.

"What the hell? Are you still awake?" Kyo asked crossly, glaring at the older man.

Shigure grinned. "A writer's toil knows no hours! Ahh Kyo-kun, how can I astound and amaze all my loyal fans if my inspiration retires with the sun?"

Kyo scowled. "I don't know how you can amaze anyone; you're such an idiot."

Shigure pouted pathetically. "Oh, Kyo-kun– do you really think of me so poorly?"

Kyo rolled his eyes. "I'm not even gonna answer that, you damn dog."

"So cruel," Shigure whined, his pout fading into classic puppy-dog eyes.

"Just stop it," Kyo said tiredly. "I'm not in any mood for this."

He did look tired, Shigure noted, as though something had been heavy on his mind. "Ahh, I see." He nodded sagely. "Something has upset our dear, little Kyo-kun. His fragile heart can't take it."

"Shut up!" Kyo said, pounding his fist against the wall. Shigure had to fight the urge to cringe.

"Alright then, I won't ask what's wrong." Shigure did a quick spin in his chair. "I won't bother Kyo-kun! I'm done writing, but I'll just be here in my study in case anyone needs me. I'm not doing any work at all, so I suppose I'm completely available." He glanced at Kyo out of the corner of his eye. "Staying in here, nothing to do, just–"

"I get it already!" Kyo fumed, "But I don't want to talk to you." He crossed his arms and scowled– but he didn't leave.

Shigure sighed. "Everyone has problems, Kyo-kun. Sometimes it's good to let them out. I might be an idiot, as you said, but I could be your idiot." He pouted again. "Let an old man help a poor, young boy out."

Kyo rolled his eyes, but stepped into the study anyway. His face was red– obviously the problem was embarrassing. After a long few moments of silence, he burst out with: "Shigure... Have you ever been in love?"

Shigure started, thrown off by the suddenness of such a question. "Well," he said, blinking, "That is a question, isn't it?" He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, thinking over an answer he could give Kyo. "Why the sudden interest, hmm? Have a certain special someone who's captured your eye?"

If it was even possible, Kyo turned an even darker shade of red. "M-maybe, but that's not any of your damn business!"

Shigure smiled to himself. "Love. Yes, Kyo-kun, I've been in love before. But only once– only once. She was... She is a very special girl."

"Well..." Kyo glanced around nervously. "How did... how did Akito feel? I bet he wasn't too happy about that."

Shigure smiled again, but this time it was a sad, sad smile. When he spoke, his voice was filled with... something, that sounded not unlike sorrow. "Akito never found out how I felt."

"What am I supposed to do, then?" Kyo spat. "I think Akito knows already, and... How do I save her? What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Well Kyo-kun," Shigure said gently, "maybe it's best to do nothing at all."

"Wha–"

"Think about it. If you love her, you don't want her to get hurt, do you? And you can never be together; love isn't an issue in that respect. Akito has, I'm sure, already told you that you aren't allowed to be with the one you love."

"Yeah, he's told me." Kyo looked down. "He doesn't think anyone could love a monster. But..." Kyo's head shot up, his eyes burning as they pierced into Shigure's. "But I think he's the monster! I don't care who the hell he is, God or no, he's still just a twisted bastard!"

"Twisted? Yes, Akito isn't quite as balanced as perhaps we'd like him to be. But... Maybe there's something there that we just can't understand."

"Understand?" Kyo spat. "Who would want to understand him?"

Shigure sighed. "You know what, Kyo-kun– why don't you go to bed? Get some rest; you look like you need it. And don't worry about Tohru-kun." He grinned at the boy. "Just stay be her as long as you can; I'm sure that would make her happier than anything else."

Kyo started to speak again, but Shigure cut him off. "Just... just go on, alright? It's good you love her; you deserve to know what it feels like to love. You're a good kid, Kyo-kun, a good kid."

With a look of confusion on his face, Kyo just nodded and left. Shigure sighed, and lit another cigarette. "Love?" He laughed almost cruelly to himself. "It's what makes the world go 'round." He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "I'm tired." His arms dropped down, one in his lap and the other hanging off the chair. He slumped down lower, his body limp and near exhaustion.

"Fuck love. I never wanted it anyway."

Akito was in a bad mood. Hatori hadn't found anything wrong with her– so no pills–, Kureno had been distancing himself recently– probably out of misguided concern of some sort, but it still made her angry– and she hadn't seen Shigure in two weeks. Normally encounters with him faded fairly quickly, but she hadn't been able to get him out of her head. He had done something to her– infected her, poisoned her. She wasn't sure what it was, but it hurt. Her whole body hurt just to think of him. He had been so... caring. But he didn't care; she knew that. He was only acting different because he probably had something that he wanted. Well whatever it was, she would make sure he didn't get it.

And not only that. He had promised he would come see her again soon. She wasn't an impatient person– she assured herself– but two weeks did not logically fit into the category of "soon". She told herself that she didn't care, but even she knew that was a lie. She wanted to see him. She enjoyed her little dog, and it was high time he came back to her. She scowled and told herself she didn't care.

It was two days more before she saw him again.

Shigure smiled flirtatiously, causing a younger maid to blush. He wove around the corridors and rooms, making his way to Akito. He knew she'd be angry with him, but he really couldn't find the will to care.

"Hello Akito-san," he said, bowing respectfully. "Have you missed me?"

"No," she spat, "And I don't want to see you now!"

"You don't?" he asked, blinking innocently. "But I promised you I would come again. Don't you want me to keep my promise?"

She sneered. "I don't give a damn what you do, Shigure. You've already proven how important my opinion is to you, so why don't you take your sorry ass out of here and never bother me again?"

His tone was clipped and cold. "But I live to bother you Akito-san. Don't you want me to bother you? Don't you want me to love you? Don't you want me to come back again and again, begging you to notice me?" He smiled oh-so-cruelly. "Well let me tell you something, Akito: I'm tired of begging."

She took a step back. He was frightening her again, dark and looming and cold.

He grabbed her wrist. She tried to pull away but he yanked her closer. He smirked ruthlessly and ran his hot, wet tongue along her pulse. She shivered, her heart pounding.

"You will regret this, Shigure," she said lowly. "Let go of me. Now."

"But I thought you wanted us to love you, Akito-san. Don't you want me to love you? Let me, Akito-san."

"Stop it, you're scaring me!"

"You deserve it. I've been holding everything in for far too long. I–"

"Just stop!" she exclaimed wildly.

He let her go and stood there, vacant and deathly quiet. She furrowed her brows in anxiety, worried he'd snap again. "Shigure? What's wrong with you?"

He seemed to snap back into reality. His lips quirked up into a grin. "What's wrong? You, Akito. I seem to be a bit irrational when it comes to you. I really am tired of begging. You're either going to give me what I want, or I'm going to take it."

"And wh-what is it that you want so badly?" She held the wrist he had grabbed tightly, as though trying to erase the memory of his grip.

This time, he genuinely smiled. "Why, that's simple. All I want... is all of you."

She seemed to relax. "Of course. You live to torment me, don't you? Pretending you care."

He stepped closer. "Pretend? You don't even know what it is to love, Akito. How would you know anything about how I feel?"

"I don't know what's wrong with you, Shigure, but you're not yourself. You don't know what you want."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, don't I? I've loved you since the moment I knew you, Akito. I wish I could die so I wouldn't have to love you; I wish my heart was ripped out of my body so I wouldn't have to love you. Akito, I would–"

She had walked over to him as he had been speaking. She took his hand and put it to her cheek. "Say it again."

"Wha–"

"My name. Say it again."

"Akito."

She brought his hand to her lips and kissed the tips of his fingers. "I forgive you."

"Akito."

She took a tiny step closer. "And I love you as well, Shigure." He was sure she didn't.

"Akito."

He took back his hand and gracefully pulled off his robe. She smiled, her eyes half open, as he stood naked before her. Her thin hands touched his chest gently. She kissed him there, below his shoulder, and murmured against his skin, "You're perfect."

"Akito."

She looked up, meeting his eyes. "That's right, Shigure. It's alright." She kissed his chest again.

He slowly undressed her.

"You're beautiful," she said, so lowly that it was almost air. "You have no right to do this to me, though. I'm still angry about your long absence. And about your behavior once you arrived here. You don't deserve me. You treat me so badly,and yetI'm so kind– I forgive you every time."

"You're right," he conceded, fingertips falling on her body like rain. His voice got deeper. "You're a goddess, and should certainly be treated as such." He hovered over her body, gently nudging the side of her chin with his nose and lips. He kissed her neck, feeling her small body tremble in response. "You should be worshiped."

And worship her was exactly what he did.

...to be continued...

-Author's Ramble: WHOO! That was good, right? Akito is getting hard for me to write, but I promise I'm trying. Most of her motivation for this chapter was that she wanted to blame Shigure and not herself. When she says things like "It's alright", she's really telling herself that. I'm not sure how well I managed to convey that in the story, though. I'd appreciate response, as always. Oh, and I'm starting a C2 community for any fic that features Akito as a female. I feel sort of guilty about this, but I just can't read fics where Akito is male. If you want to be staff PLEASE let me know. I have no requirements, so anyone's welcome!

The only respite you ever receive is knowing you own him; he can't ever leave.