raisons d'être

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket.
Date: Mar. 2, 2006
Warnings: a bit of strong language-- just a bit
A/N: I'm SO sorry that it took me so long to update. This is the final chapter of this fic, and I must say I rather hate for it to end. I appreciate each and every review, and I want say a huge thank you to all those who took the time to leave a comment. A note-- the scene in italics follows the fourth chapter directly, and it happened first. Everything in regular type came after. Read and enjoy, everyone!

xXx

DELIGHT- Chapter Five
Akito woke, eyes blinking open lethargically. The room was dark still, no light coming in through the closed window. She wanted to go back to sleep; for some unfathomable reason, she had slept well the previous night, and she had no inclination to let that sleepy, dreamy haze fade.

She felt warm– warm, warm, warm– though she wasn't quite sure why. Her eyes, so tired, so heavy, slowly closed. Knowing no one was around to care, to question, she let herself indulge in a lazy, contented smile. Time to rest again.

"Akito?' a voice questioned groggily (voice, whose voice? Oh, she swore she knew it.) "Are you awake?" A hand moved across the skin of her stomach, feeling warm and strong– feeling so familiar; why was it there, who was there? "Mmm, let's sleep a little more," he said, daring to pull her body closer to his. "It's nice here; so comfortable, so nice..." She heard him yawn, and then laugh at himself for it. "Damn, I'm still tired. Let's sleep, huh?"

He didn't need an answer– it was Shigure, Shigure, Shigure; she knew, it was him, oh why had she let him stay?– and was too groggy to even notice when Akito went stiff and silent.

And the one thought in her head: Where the hell would they go from there?

Hatori found Akito later that morning, sitting on a stone bench in the garden. She had a red flower in her hand, slowly plucking the petals off and watching them fall to the ground.

Feeling curious and then instantly berating himself for it, he wandered over to her. He bowed. "Good morning, Akito-san."

She shrugged. "Good? Deceptively so, if you want my opinion. The world mocks me."

Hatori sighed. The conversation already promised to be such fun. At least she was in a relatively good mood.

She pulled off another petal. "Do you know this game, Hatori?" she asked absently. She patted the bench beside her. He obeyed and sat.

"No, Akito-san, I can't say that I do. What game is it?"

She pulled off another petal. "You take a flower. You pull off all the petals."

A destructive game. He wasn't surprised that she seemed to enjoy it. "Is that all, Akito-san? It doesn't seem like much of a game."

She scowled. "No, don't be stupid. One petal is 'He loves me' and the next petal is 'He loves me not'." She pulled off the next petal.

"Oh." Hatori was silent after that, wondering what she could mean by playing such a game. Akito just continued mindlessly.

"Hm." After a moment, she caught his attention. The stem lay on the ground, and Akito held the last petal gently between her thumb and forefinger. "Look, Hatori. He loves me." She put the petal in her palm and watched the wind blow it away, off to the ground. "He loves me; of course he loves me."

And completely catching Hatori off-guard– and confounding the poor man absolutely– Akito smiled. "Always. He is mine; he will always love me."

For the briefest moment, he considered asking her what she meant and who she was talking about. But realization hit him, and he felt sure he already knew the answer to both questions.

'Shigure,' he thought with just the barest trace of anger. The effects– short-term at least– certainly seemed to be positive, but there was always a chance (an enormous, incredibly likely chance) that things would take a turn for the worst and spin violently out of control. It wasn't that Hatori was pessimistic, it was the simple fact that it was Shigure he had to worry about.

Even as he glanced at Akito out of the corner of his eye and saw her relaxed posture and almost dreamy not-quite-a-smile (which in and of itself was disturbing) he couldn't help but worry. Even if he finally had an inkling of the desperate, consuming love his cousin had always kept hidden, he couldn't help but worry.

And, even if none of his other fears came to fruition, there was always the chance that a happy Akito was just as bad as an angry one.

He held her for a long moment. She almost relaxed– not quite, but almost. It was enough to encourage him to honesty. "Akito," he whispered, his voice smooth and cool, "This is going to kill us. We're going to kill each other with this mad, endless, unhealthy cycle of hate and love."

"You could never hate me," she said, reassuring herself, her voice shaking and like ice. "You are my passion– warm, loving passion." She drew herself closer to him, arms circling tighter, pressing her breasts against his chest. "Would you deny it?"

He kissed her forehead. "Never."

Akito nodded and held him tighter. "Good."

Kureno sighed, and took another long sip of the glass of water in front of him. He was relieved; things hadn't played out as he had anticipated. If anything, Akito seemed to be more lenient (and content), not less. He had to admit, if only to himself, that he was more than pleased.

And as though sensing his thoughts concerned her, Akito suddenly appeared. "Walk with me," she demanded, leaving no room for argument. And, sensibly, he obeyed without hesitation. They wondered outside, where Akito had been almost all day. Kureno wondered momentarily what had brought that about, but putting it down to one of her whims, he didn't give it much thought.

For the longest time, both were silent.

"I had... forgotten," Akito said softly, coming to a stop and gazing up at the sky. Kureno was shocked to hear such a tender tone issuing forth from her mouth. Even though she stood beside him, tangible and unquestionably real, he could tell that her mind was with someone else completely. "I had forgotten," she said again.

He wasn't sure if she wanted him to inquire or not. "What had you forgotten, Akito-san?"

She frowned, but it faded with her next exhale. A wistful look overtook her face, and for another moment she was silent. "It's easy to forget what he means to me. I live in nothing but pain, I sustain nothing but suffering; and I have nothing but my mere existence to recommend me to life. I had forgotten how nice it was to live."

Kureno was a bit shocked by her words. He smiled sedately, however, and didn't let his surprise show. He had obviously underestimated either her feelings for Shigure or Shigure's ability to affect the fragile, young goddess. Whatever had happened (and Kureno had a very good guess as to just what had happened), it had obviously tempered Akito's usual belligerence. He wondered– very briefly– whether or not it would be a permanent change. Knowing Akito's volatile personality and Shigure's penchant for being notoriously fickle, he seriously– though sorely– doubted it.

"Kureno," Akito said softly, beckoning him closer, "You mustn't think this means I love you any less." She put her hands on his shoulders. "I love you all."

He nodded detachedly, and she pulled him into a loose embrace. "I don't like to be alone," she murmured, as though offering justification for her actions. And, of course, that was all it really boiled down to: Akito did not like to be alone.

Shigure kissed her, desperate and aching for one last taste before he had to leave her again. She was exquisite; it was becoming harder and harder for him to hide how he felt about her. Every smile sent his head spinning. Every touch twanged violently in his heart. She was like a drug; even though she was destroying him, he kept coming back for more.

"Shigure– what are you thinking?" Akito queried softly. She held his face in his hands gently, forcing him to meet her own dark eyes.

He smiled disarmingly and pulled her wrists down. He stood, disentangling himself from the warm world of limbs and linens he and his goddess had been lost in. He found his rather shabby robe and pulled it on. "What I'm thinking, hmm?" he repeated. "Why, I'm merely lost in contemplation." He shot her a cheeky glance. "About the beautiful new day, of course."

"Beautiful? I wouldn't call it that." Akito stood, and walked over beside him. His gaze was fixed out beyond the window, caught on some imaginary world floating in the early morning sky. She was still rather tired, dozy and dreary and not at all alert enough to begin her day. She had slept well though, and if she was ever capable of gratitude she certainly would have felt it then, for that.

"Not nearly as beautiful as... me."

She frowned. "I don't like it when you tease me."

He grinned and casually slipped an arm around her. It was always comforting to have her close. "You must know by now that I don't mean it."

"I admit– I would like to think that you don't."

After that brief exchange, they both were silent. They stood there, warm and together and utterly unaware, trying desperately to forget that soon they would have to part again.

Tohru and Kyo were eating breakfast when Shigure flounced in.

"And where the hell were you?" Kyo spat. "Are you just now coming in?"

"Kyo-kun!" Shigure squealed playfully, bounding over to sit beside him. "You missed me! Ahh! My heart sings with the knowledge of your care!"

"Shut up," Kyo spat, disgusted with his guardian. "If you're drunk, then you better go and sleep it off somewhere else." He snuck a glance over at Tohru. "You're a frickin' adult– you're supposed to be the responsible one around here."

Before Shigure could defend himself, or agree with Kyo's assessment, a loud yawn cut through the momentary silence. Yuki walked in, his eyes heavy with the last remnants of sleep, stifling another large yawn. "Wh... What's going on here? Why are you so loud so early, you stupid cat?"

Kyo leapt up to argue, but Tohru quickly intervened. "Um, g-good morning Yuki-kun! We were all here, um, talking. Kyo-kun was, ah... a bit angry at Shigure-san, I'm afraid."

Yuki raised a curious eyebrow. He looked at Shigure. "What have you done now?"

Shigure raised his arms up and shrugged innocently. "I don't know! I haven't done a thing! Kyo-kun's so mean..."

Yuki rolled his eyes. Kyo glared and said, "He was out the whole damn night, doing who the hell knows what, and now he comes in here, acting even more like an idiot than usual. He's probably drunk."

Shigure pouted. "I'm not!" he whined.

"Well... If you weren't out drinking, what were you doing?"

Shigure smirked. Yuki recognized the look immediately and blanched. Kyo took a moment longer. "Why the hell are you smirking like that? Wha–" his eyes widened substantially. "Gyah! You nasty old pervert! Going out for that? You're disgusting. And completely shameless."

Shigure rolled his eyes, unable to suppress the small surge of annoyance he felt. "Right, Kyo-kun. It's bad of me to go elsewhere to satisfy my appetites instead of bringing strange and unsavory women home to three impressionable young teenagers. Oh, I'm a filthy, filthy old man!"

'Strange? Unsavory?' Tohru thought, feeling thoroughly confused. "Ah! Um, um–"

"Don't ask," Yuki and Kyo said together, eager to protect her from what they felt was Shigure's evil influence.

Shigure chuckled. "I don't know why you try to shield her. With the way you two act, I'm sure she'll see what I'm talking about one of these days."

Yuki narrowed his eyes dangerously. "How dare you talk about Honda-san that way! Keep the hell away from her!"

Kyo was no less vehement. "I'm gonna kill you, damn it! You–"

"Kyo," a voice said suddenly, "Calm down."

All four looked and, to their surprise, saw Hatori.

"Haa-san!" Shigure said happily. "How I've missed you! Have you come to play?"

Hatori glared at him, showing just how serious he was. "I talked to Akito earlier this morning."

If Shigure was surprised, he didn't show it. "Oh really? Well isn't that pleasant. I'm sure that he was as charming as always."

"Cut the bull," Hatori said angrily, "This isn't the time for it. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Shigure shrugged. "Nothing you'd think was suitable justification."

"Shigure, I don't know what you did, but... But I don't like it! You can't just go screw her every time you want to stir things up!"

"Now, now Ha'ri," Shigure said calmly. "Let's not fight in front of the kids."

Hatori sighed, and composed himself. "Excuse me," he said to Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru politely. "I need a moment with Shigure alone."

They nodded wordlessly as Hatori followed Shigure into his study.

"Why are you angry?" Shigure asked once they were alone. "Have I done something wrong again?" He opened his drawer and pulled out a cigarette. He offered one to Hatori, but the other man declined. "I told you that I had things planned out, and I do. I'm beginning to think that you don't understand."

"What's to understand?" Hatori asked harshly. "I–"

"I'm in love with her, damn it! I fucking love her more than my own damn life!"

Hatori started, in utter shock. "Wh... What?"

Shigure smiled cynically. "What a surprise, hmm? The man who cares for nothing but himself, doing everything for the sake of someone else."

They didn't speak for a long moment, instead choosing to waste away in silence. Smoke curled around the room, enveloping them both, as the news sunk in.

"I should have known it all along," Hatori said quietly. "I think I have known it all along. But..." He looked at Shigure, a mixture of hurt and confusion on his face. "What the hell does this mean?"

Shigure shrugged, his mask completely falling away. "It doesn't change a thing, Hatori– not a damn thing."

"You're leaving me," Akito said quietly, her voice quivering, as she watched Shigure tidy himself up. When he didn't respond, she trembled in anger and said again, much louder, "You're leaving! You're leaving me, aren't you? Aren't you!"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Akito-san. I have to go."

"No!" She stood up, already in a deep rage. "You think you can just throw me away? Just forget about me when it suits you?" She ran at him, and pounded her tiny fists against his broad chest. "No! You will obey me! You will–"

He grabbed her wrists gently, and pulled them away. She looked up at him, breathing heavily. His eyes were warm, heavy and wet with things that he could never say. "Akito... I have to go."

Her lip quivered, and he was afraid she would turn hysterical and start yelling again. "Then go. I don't want here anyway."

"I–" He cut himself off, and shook his head, knowing there was nothing he could say. He bowed lowly, and took another deep breath. "Goodbye, Akito-san."

He kissed her softly, a last gesture of parting and remorse. Not even that small act could convey all that he meant it to. He wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her close. She was stiff and rigid, acting as though she hated it and wanted him to let her be. But he could feel her hands clenched tight in the material of his robes, and even though it didn't mean much, he knew that he at least was something to her.

His goddess.

His life.

The purpose for which he could wake, and live again every day.

His reason for existence.

Impulsively, she grabbed the back of his head and pulled him down into another tortured, frantic kiss. It made his heart break to taste all that she gave him.

Shigure pulled away. "Goodbye, Akito." He bowed again and turned. That time, she made no effort to stop him. He ambled slowly across the room.

She stood, watching him walk away, studying the plane of his back. Until, without looking back, he walked out of the room, slid the door shut, and was gone. She heard his footsteps for a few seconds longer.

Akito stared, hard, at the last place he had stood, only mere moments before.

...the end?

-Author's Ramble: I must admit, I liked this chapter. I like how it turned out, and I enjoyed writing it. (One can only hope that you enjoyed reading it just as much...) Yes, this is the end, and I have no plans for a sequel. I will, however, begin work on more Akito/Shigure fics, because we all know there's never enough of them. (beam) I humbly ask that you leave a review-- I would love to know how I did, and how well-reveived this last little bit was. With that said, I hope you enjoyed my fic. And... goodbye!

ILB

He haunts you and hurts you-- what a power this is. You cry and you scream, but you'll always be
His.