This wardrobe was just a wardrobe.
There were clothes in here, like there should have been, and Sho was in there too, which he should not have been. Ritsu's room didn't have a lot of hiding spots in it. The space under his bed was taken up by drawers, he didn't have a closet, and Sho didn't think that hiding in the corner of the ceiling like he was Spiderman or something would work in real life. So that was why he was sitting in Ritsu's wardrobe trying really hard not to even breathe too loudly.
His parents were right outside.
They were tucking him in. His mom and dad had sang him a song and now they were telling him that they loved him and that they were sorry he and Teru had fought. That was the story that Ritsu had told his mom and dad, that Teru had left because they'd had the biggest fight they'd ever had, and instead of telling him that he needed to control his feelings or that he needed to find a girlfriend to keep the bloodline going they just…told him that they loved him and that they were sorry that had happened to him. It was so weird. Well his mom being nice wasn't that weird at all. Moms were girls and girls were naturally nice, even dad thought so, and it looked like they never stopped being nice no matter how old they got. They all kind of sounded the same. His mom sounded a lot like big sis when she tried to comfort him.
Moms were just nice like that.
What was really weird, weird beyond any other known form of weirdness, was the fact that his dad was there too. His dad had sang the tuck in song and told him that he was sorry about what happened with Teru…and it was completely crazy. First of all dads did not tuck you in let alone sing a whole tuck in song. Mom used to sing to him when he'd been a baby, and a really little kid, and also sometimes when he was a not so little kid, but dad had never once sang to him. Hell, dad had only tucked him in when mom made him…and he complained the whole time. Dads weren't supposed to be nice like that….they weren't supposed to be nice at all! Especially not if they thought that you had a boyfriend! Dads were supposed to be all 'if you don't stick your dick inside of a girl's thing then I'm going to kick your ass' which was really weird because that was the same as your dad basically saying that he spent a lot of time thinking about what you did with your dick….gross….but still! That was normal! Gross and normal!
This was just…not normal…but also not gross….but also really not normal.
Dads were jerks. That was just something that happened when the mom had a baby, he figured, dads turned into jerks. His dad was a jerk, Shimazaki's dad was a jerk, even hamster dads were jerks! Really! Hamsters ate the babies when they came out of the mom. They just ate them even though there was so much hamster food for them right there! Maybe that was just how nature worked. Maybe the guys turned into jerks because the mom loved the baby more than them. Mom had certainly loved him and big sis more than dad. They had always been happy, he remembered, and even when things were bad like when she got sick they were never as bad as the best day with dad was. Dads were probably jealous of babies because moms loved them more…and also maybe it was because they knew that it was their fault that the baby was there in the first place? Sho didn't know, he wasn't anyone's dad yet, but he did know that then he became a dad he was going to be the best dad in the world! He was going to listen to his kids and be there for them and let them have fun and love whoever they wanted to love! And he was never going to make them take baths or do school work or eat food that they didn't want to eat or wear clothes they didn't want to wear! He was always going to try his best to do what was best for his kids no matter what!
And that included singing the tuck in time song.
They were doing an encore, like this was one of big sis's plays or something. Sho had never gotten an encore even from his own mom. She had always sang the song once and once, if she had the energy to sing at all, and then she turned off the light and went to bed. She had been sick a lot, almost all the time towards the end, and not even Fukuda had been able to help her. Fukuda had been at their house all the time, even overnight sometimes, but even he couldn't fix mom…not even a little bit. Towards the end she had stopped tucking him in completely. Big sis had been the one to tuck him in…even before mom left she had been the one to tuck him in. He was eleven now, almost twelve, and he had told her to stop. He was way too old to be tucked him…but if she wanted to make sure that the blankets were even around him, that the room was warm enough, and also maybe if she wanted to do some reading in the room while he was there then that was fine…and also totally different than her reading him a story! She chose to read and…and it was only polite of her to read out loud when he was in the room!
Ritsu's parents didn't do any reading at all.
They did, however, stop singing. They kissed him on the head, two of those loud lippy smacky kisses that mom used to give him, and then they turned off the light and left the room. Sho could feel his legs cramping up. He needed to MOVE. He wasn't mean to be sitting like this for so long! But he couldn't move, not until it was safe. Ritsu's parents might have been ok with him liking guys instead of girls but he knew that they probably wouldn't have been ok with some strange guy living in his wardrobe and stuff. Nope. Nobody would have been ok with that….well his own dad would have been less ok with it than Ritsu's parents. Dad probably would have killed Ritsu out of pure rage. Ritsu's parents would have probably just yelled and then kicked him out. Mom…he had no idea what mom would have done. She had always been so nice and she had always told him that no matter who he grew up to be or who he fell in love with she would always have loved him. No matter what.
Huh. Maybe mom knew that he was gay before he did….not that he could ask her or anything.
Mom was gone. Maybe she was here in Seasoning City hiding in someone's wardrobe. Maybe she only came out at night to steal food from the fridge and watch her weird old timey shows. Maybe that was why nobody had been able to find her even after all these years. Maybe that should have been his mission. He should have gone all over Japan opening people's wardrobes looking for mom. Maybe he would have found her, too, and then they could have been together…though at this point he figured he had a better chance of finding a lion and a witch in a wardrobe instead of his own mom…wait…how did the lion and the witch get inside of the wardrobe in the first place? Wouldn't the lion have ate the witch? Or maybe the witch used her magic on the lion? Maybe….he was going to have to have Hatori steal this movie for him now. He had to see how it went. Did the English kids just open their wardrobe one day and then a lion and witch fell out? That would have been so cool! Like if he just threw the door opened and then a lion and witch came out and then-
-the wardrobe doors opened.
Sho wondered if Ritsu had been expecting to see a lion and witch….and then he reminded himself how stupid he was for even thinking thoughts like that. Ritsu expected to see him and no one else. Why the fuck else would he have opened his wardrobe in the middle of the night like that? To check for monsters? Well…if Ritsu still got tucked in by his parents then….and now those were more stupid thoughts…he needed to stop thinking and start saying things before this whole thing got even more awkward than it already was!
And it was already pretty fucking awkward!
"H-Hi." Said Sho. He was red, now, he could feel it…and Ritsu could probably tell. There was a really soft light in the room….there. Right in the outlet behind Ritsu there was a nightlight of a happy frog…like the kind of thing that Sho would have had when he had been really little. He couldn't help it…he laughed. He covered his mouth but he knew that Ritsu could tell that he was laughing.
"Hi…and what's so funny?" asked Ritsu. He could think of about ten things that were funny. First of all the fact that mom had laid out his pajamas for him even though he was eleven and more than capable of picking out his own pajamas. Also mom and dad had sang to him….twice. They had also tucked him in and with that stupid rainbow blanket too. To add insult to injury they had even plugged in his nightlight so he wouldn't have bad dreams…they always did that when they tucked him in even though he hadn't had bad dreams in years! The only thing that would have been worse was in they decided to start giving him baths again too.
Parents were the worst.
Or maybe his parents were just the worst. Now Sho was laughing at him…he tugged at the collar of his pajamas. He felt naked and not in what he assumed was the fun way people were always talking about. He felt naked in a naked way….like…like if he was naked in the middle of class and everyone was laughing at him…or maybe it was even worse than that. Maybe like if he was naked and then the whole world had showed up to point and laugh at him…not that Sho was pointing….but that was what it felt like….
This sucked. A lot.
"Sorry, sorry, it's just…your parents treat you like a baby." Said Sho. That had sounded a lot better in his head. A hell of a lot better. His family was cursed. This was why dad wanted him to continue the bloodline, not because they were powerful espers but because he needed to feel better about how awkward and clueless he was.
"I noticed." Said Ritsu evenly. He didn't want to talk about this. He wanted…well what he really wanted to do was do like Teru tried to do and get Sho to spill about Claw. It's inner workings, it's plans, it's power structure…all of it. But then he would have wound up scaring Sho off….and if he scared Sho off then he got the feeling that he was never going to see him again. Ritsu didn't know if he could deal with that.
"Sorry….I shouldn't have said anything. I can be kind of clueless sometimes…I think that my family might actually be cursed or something. My dad is clueless and my sister is even more clueless than him-fuck! Sorry! I didn't mean to mention my sister!" said Sho. Great. Now he had fucked up even more. Ritsu's sister was DEAD. Not gone, like mom was gone, but dead. Dead as in not even a spirit anymore. She was in a grave and…and Sho's was alive. That wasn't fair for Ritsu just like how…how it wasn't fair for Sho that Ritsu had such nice parents…but Ritsu couldn't control how his parents were. Sho, however, could control what he said…and he needed to stop running his mouth like this. He needed to be less of a Suzuki and more of a…anyone other than a Suzuki!
"It's ok…and stop talking so loud. Mom and dad aren't asleep yet." Said Ritsu. If mom and dad came in then he was dead, really dead, so dead that he wouldn't even have known that he was dead. They didn't even like him spending the night with Teru, they always made him keep his door wide opened, and if they found out that he had a guy that they didn't even know in his room past his bedtime then…then nothing at all good would happen to him.
"Sorry." whispered Sho
"I forgive you…just so long as you stop laughing at me." Said Ritsu. He told himself that Sho didn't mean anything by it. He was used to it anyway, people laughing at him, that was just what they did. The laughed at him because he didn't have the time or the energy to hide who he was. They only laughed because they were stupid, he always told himself, but he couldn't tell himself that about Sho because that would have meant that he was in love with a stupid person.
"I promise I'll stop. I guess that I was just nervous or something. I've never done…this…before." Said Sho quickly and quietly. He didn't even know what 'this' was but he knew that he was completely and totally lost. Like the time when he and big sis went to Shanghai Disneyland for the first time and they lost their map. All hot and dizzy and…well happy, because he had been at Disneyland, but also not so happy because he had no idea where he was…
Yeah. This was just like that.
He knew where he was, of course, he was in Ritsu's room in Seasoning City…but he had never planned on ever being in Ritsu's room. He had been planning on seeing Ritsu, making sure he was alive, and maybe talking to him a little. Going into his room…spending the night here…this had never been part of his plan. He had been planning on sleeping in the train station or the woods or something, not in Ritsu's room. The futon was all folded up in the corner…so that meant that he would have been sleeping in Ritsu's bed….and he knew what people meant when they said 'sleeping together'. He was eleven and he had an imagination. He knew what two guys could do together in a bed…
And he was NOT ready to touch someone else's dick! And…whatever else happened….but it was mostly the dick touching that scared him!
"…me neither." Said Ritsu. He…was not scared…this was just not something that he had ever imagined happening. Well…ok…he had the internet and his best friend, who wasn't Tsubomi, was Teru. He had thought about this before…and of course with Sho…but thinking about things and actually doing them were two different things! He needed to…to study more and…and…and he just…it would have been a hell of a lot better if Sho just told him what they were supposed to do! So far he'd been embarrassed, laughed at, and now he had to figure out…this kind of thing….and he didn't even know if he was ready for this kind of thing!
He'd never even had a real boyfriend before.
Teru was only his fake boyfriend. They didn't even hold hands let alone kiss or any of the stuff that Teru had done already with girls. Ritsu didn't know if Teru told the truth when he bragged about making out with girls and feeling them up and stuff. He was pretty sure, though, that he'd never touched a girl on her…he'd never stuck his hand up a girl's skirt before. There was no way that some girl had let Teru take her into the bushes and then let him touch her all over, including under her skirt, just because it had been her birthday. That was like something out of those manga books that he wasn't supposed to be reading. There was no way Ritsu could ever have done that…not that Sho was wearing a skirt but…but he'd never even made out with anyone before let alone…all of that stuff!
The stuff that Sho probably wanted to do right now.
"So…what do we do now? Sleepover stuff?" asked Sho. He hoped normal sleepover stuff like watching movies and playing videogames and not…the other stuff….even though he'd never done the other stuff before and he kind of wanted to…but he also never wanted to! Ever! He'd only ever kissed Ritsu before but now…now he was in his room and…and didn't slow and steady win the race!? And what if this wasn't a race at all? And…and…and he was only eleven, ok?! He wasn't even twelve yet!
"We can't, my mom and dad would notice…I mean we have to be quiet I mean….um…do you want to come out of the wardrobe?" asked Ritsu. There. That was a start. He didn't like this, not knowing what was coming. He had to always be prepared. If he wasn't always prepared then he could end up kidnapped again…not that Sho was going to kidnap him…but…bad things happened when you weren't prepared so Ritsu just had to be prepared for everything!
Even helping the boy he loved most out of all the boys in the world out of his wardrobe.
"Fuck…that feels good." Said Sho as he climbed out of the wardrobe and stretched his legs back out to what they should have been like. Wow. He was never doing that again. Wardrobes were for clothes, lions, and witches, not people.
"Don't say that so loud, my parents might hear." Said Ritsu. He eyed the door. He could sort of hear the TV…mom and dad would be up in a while…maybe he should have told Sho to stay in the wardrobe. What if mom and dad decided to check on him? Then…then it would have been the end of this sleepover…and he didn't want it to end…but he also sort of did. He didn't think that he was ready for…whatever Sho wanted to do…but he had to try and….and…and this was really complicated and he even felt like running away! That was what Reigen was always saying, sometimes you had to run away, and…and now he was thinking about Reigen now!
"Sorry…I kind of curse a lot. My dad's always telling me not to curse, and Fukuda too. He's kind of like my dad but a bigger asshole. Even my sister-sorry! I keep on saying that I have a sister and that's not fair to you since you don't have one…I mean you do but she's-fuck! Sorry..." said Sho. Ritsu had been red before but now he was back to normal…and he looked pissed…and Sho couldn't blame him one bit.
"I know that my sister is dead, you don't have to keep saying that you're sorry." said Ritsu. He hated this part, how people were always so sorry. Everyone was always so sorry that Shigeko had died, and he was sorry too. He felt sorry that she would never get to grow up, he felt sorry for his parents and grandma because they knew her before she died, and he felt sorry for all the people who took the time out of their lives to feel sorry for him….but he didn't feel sorry for himself at all. He had been one when she died. He hadn't even known her or himself or anything. He'd been a baby…he didn't even remember anything about her…and he didn't get to feel sorry because someone he didn't even remember died!
"I…I know…I just feel like an asshole and I don't know what to say and-" said Sho
"She died when I was one. She had a birth defect and she died and that's it. I don't remember her at all because I was a baby but we have a shrine for her downstairs and we never go in her room. There's a bunch of her stuff in the attic, too, that I'm not allowed to touch. Ok?" said Ritsu. There. That was everything. People were always so weird when it came to Shigeko, like if they said the wrong thing he was going to burst into tears like a baby or something. Well he wasn't. He hadn't even known who he was let alone who she was when she died. Yes, it was very sad, but really if anyone was still sad about what happened to Shigeko it was mom and dad since they could remember her.
Ritsu did his best to stay calm even though he was really sick of…well…this. How people got about Shigeko.
"Ok." Said Sho. He was glad that Ritsu had added that part at the end. At least that way he had something to say. He fucked up…he was a fuck up….he was the greatest fuck up ever to live and…and dad had been right about him. if dad hadn't hated cursing then he would have called Sho a fuck up too…and he would have been right to do it.
"Sho…I'm sorry. I guess…I'm just sick of people making a big deal out of my sister being dead…I mean I know it's a big deal but…but it's not always a big deal to me. I don't know…I sound like a jerk…but it's true. It's hard to feel bad for someone you never even knew." Said Ritsu. He took Sho's hand in his. He could be a real asshole sometimes, Teru said, and Reigen had even implied. He said that people could turn mean when they were mad or scared or hungry or stressed…and….yeah. Ritsu was stressed. This whole thing…even just living….it was all so fucking stressful….
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept on bringing it up and I shouldn't have pissed you off…if you want me to go then I can." Said Sho. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay. He also, somehow, wanted to run all the way home. He wanted to go home, to the castle, dive into his bed, and then never come out. He could live there all alone for the rest of his life…like Serizawa had tried to live in his room forever…and…and he didn't want to be a shut in…but he didn't want to fuck this up even more…and he didn't want to have to touch any dicks other than his own!
Or maybe…
No! He didn't…he didn't know how and…and if he did it to Ritsu then Ritsu would want to do the same to him and…and he didn't think that he was ready for all of that stuff. Bed stuff. Adult stuff. The stuff that he had only imagined. He knew that he wanted to but also he didn't want to…maybe there was something wrong with him that he didn't want to. This kind of thing was supposed to be the greatest thing ever…so why didn't he want to? Why was he so scared?
He sucked, sometimes, as a person just like dad had always said.
"I-I don't want you to go…I want you to stay here with me." Said Ritsu softly
"I…I can't stay forever. My si-my family and my friends are going to look for me eventually." Said Sho
"I know…I didn't mean forever…I just meant…just for tonight. I meant that I wanted you to spend the night with me…but not in a weird way!" said Ritsu quickly. He knew what 'spent the night' meant. Mom and dad talked about that kind of thing in really hushed whispers when they thought that he couldn't hear them. Who in their offices was spending the night with who and stuff like that. Sex stuff…adult stuff…stuff that he wasn't ready for yet…stuff that he wanted to be ready for but he just…wasn't. Well of course he wasn't ready yet! His parents still tucked him into bed sometimes, sang the goodnight song, and put in a nightlight for him!
"I-I didn't think you meant it in a weird way! I mean I don't know what a weird way is but I know that you're not weird. You're not a weird person, I mean, I'm a weird person. I mean I have red hair and I hang out in wardrobes. I'm weird as fuck. Not as weird as…um….other people…but I'm a hell of a lot weirder than you!" said Sho. He hadn't meant to be funny…but Ritsu was laughing. He had his hand in front of his mouth like girls did when they laughed…it was so…cute. He was cute and…and Sho felt all warm inside…
He'd made Ritsu laugh. He could die a happy man now.
"Sorry…sorry. You're not weird, Sho, you're really…cute." Said Ritsu. He'd never called a guy 'cute' to his face before. Sure he thought that plenty of guys were cute. Teru, the guys on Teru's soccer team, some of the guys in his class, random guys he saw out on the street…but he'd never said it. Even now he'd barely said it. He'd been whispering…and if Sho asked why he would just tell him that he was worried about mom and dad hearing them….not that he'd literally never called another guy cute before in his entire life.
"You…you too. I mean I was just thinking about how cute you are…when you laugh, I mean." Said Sho
"Thanks….nobody's ever…said that to me before. Called me cute, I mean. No guy…I mean." Said Ritsu
"Same…" said Sho
"So…uh…" said Ritsu
"I don't want to see your dick!" said Sho loudly…too loudly. Ritsu tensed and looked at the door…but the only thing that could be heard was the sound of Ritsu's mom and dad laughing at the TV.
"Not so loud!" said Ritsu. That was what he was choosing to get mad over…not what Sho had just said. Nobody have ever asked to see it before…well Tsubomi back when they'd played that one really weird game of house, but no guys…well perverts had asked him to show it to them before…but this was different! This was like…like he hadn't even offered and now Sho was saying….Ritsu looked down at his feet. There. Now he didn't have to look at Sho….
Well….only at his feet.
He was shifting from foot to foot now. His aura was all over the place. Nervous…that was the word that came to mind. He wasn't the best at reading auras, he'd read on the internet that espers could sense each other's emotions from auras but he hadn't had any practice before Teru came into his life. Normally to figure out what Teru was feeling he had to focus at least a little. Sho…he was different…he was practically shouting his feelings with his aura…
Which was fine so long as none of those feelings had to do with talking about how terrible it would have been so see his…it.
"Sorry…I didn't mean it like…like that." Said Sho. Why did dad have to have been his dad?! He wished that, well he almost wished that, his mom had been a cheater. Like she was one of those ladies on that you're not the father show. Then maybe Sho wouldn't have gotten the Suzuki family cluelessness curse from dad along with his red hair, freckles, and the vendetta the sun had against him.
"Then how did you mean it? There aren't a lot of ways to take it when someone tells you that they never want to see your…yeah." Said Ritsu
"I just meant that…that it's kind of…what people do. When they're alone in rooms and…and I've never been alone in a room with a guy before so I've never done anything and I don't think that I'd be good at it and…and it's kind of scary and…and you're not scary, just your dick. I mean I'm scared of my dick…I mean-" said Sho. Ritsu looked up…and he was laughing again. This time he didn't cover his mouth…somehow he had managed to become even cuter than he had been ten seconds ago.
"I was thinking the same thing….sorry. I mean I like you a lot but…but I'm eleven." Said Ritsu. Teru was twelve, he decided, so it was ok for him to be ready but not Ritsu. It was an age thing…there. That felt a hell of a lot better.
"Same. I mean I'm going to be twelve soon but I'm eleven now and…and…I don't even know if I like that kind of stuff…" said Sho
"Well…what do you like?" asked Ritsu. He knew what he didn't want to do…but also…also there was stuff that he wanted to do. He didn't know if he would ever get a chance like this again…so he had might as well try. He liked Sho, Sho liked him, so….yeah.
"Like…do you mean dick stuff or stuff-stuff?" asked Sho quietly. He didn't really want to talk about dick stuff now…or ever…but stuff-stuff…he didn't know if he wanted to talk about regular stuff either. He wanted…maybe he needed to figure out what it was that he wanted. Then he could kick his ass over saying all the stupid shit he was going to say and doing all the stupid shit that he was going to do.
"…whichever…" said Ritsu quietly. Yes, he did want to talk about that kind of stuff…but he also wanted to talk about normal stuff. He loved Sho but he knew so little about him…and he had no idea if he was ever going to get a chance like this. Not to pick his brain about Claw, no, but about himself. About who he was when he wasn't saving Ritsu's life.
"I…I like Smash! I mean I like Smash Bros…um…my main right now is Mario-" said Sho
"Just Mario?" asked Ritsu. What the…why? There were so many other characters! Well…at least he wasn't as bad as Teru. He only played Wii Fit and FIFA.
"Yeah…what?" asked Sho
"Nothing." Said Ritsu
"No, something." Said Sho
"Just….why Mario? Sheik. You get ranged attacks, close up attacks, you're just the right weigh so you can move fast but you don't float away-" said Ritsu
"What character do you float away with?!" laughed Sho
"Jiggly Puff." Said Ritsu with a smile. Sho seemed to like it when he smiled….he smiled right back…and he was so cute when he smiled.
"Fuck you." Said Sho
"Fuck you." Whispered Ritsu
"Um…yeah. I like Smash and…and I like other stuff. Like…hamsters. I have twenty two of them…since they keep on having babies and I keep on adopting more. I like cats, too, but I like hamsters because they fit in your hands and…do you like animals?" asked Sho
"Kind of. Hamsters are ok but I kind of want a dog….but we can't have pets since my dad's allergic to animals." Said Ritsu
"That sucks." Said Sho
"Yeah…kind of…um…do you like…school?" said Ritsu. He bit his tongue right when he finished saying that. School? What the hell was the matter with him?! Nobody liked school!
"I'm homeschooled…um…do you like school?" asked Sho. School…should he have known more about school? Should he have paid more attention when he actually went? School was a place where normal kids went…and Ritsu may as well have been a normal kid….and Sho wasn't…and he had never felt as distant from another person as he did right now…even though Ritsu was right in front of him holding his hand….
"I'm good at it. I mean it's not hard. It would be a lot better if people could just pay attention and do the fu-fucking homework. If everyone could just do the fucking homework then we could all get good grades and people would stop calling me a nerd." Said Ritsu
"I don't think that you're a nerd…I think that you're really cool. You're…um…I like you…" said Sho. Ritsu had to know that he liked him. Ritsu had to know that he was loved…or liked a lot…or just…just…Sho wasn't sure. The last person that he'd been in love with rejected him…and it hurt. It maybe would have hurt less if Shimazaki had said it before Sho fell in love with him as deeply as he had…but Ritsu wasn't Shimazaki…he wasn't going to reject him…
Ritsu had brought him into his room, was holding his hand, and had kissed him. There was zero chance of rejection here.
"I like you too…" said Ritsu. He had said it before…but…but it felt good. Being able to just say it to a guy and not having to worry about having to beat him up when he, inevitably, tried to hit you…it was nice. It was like…maybe like how all the other guys felt…the ones with girlfriends. The ones who could just say 'I like you' and not be scared….
So this was what it felt like to be normal.
"I like…other stuff too. Like…like kissing…" said Sho. What he wanted to do was ask Ritsu to kiss…but maybe that would have been too much…or not enough? He didn't know. Shimazaki hadn't ever told him about this part. He'd always said to make sure the other person wanted to kiss and touch and take their clothes off, you always had to be on the same page, but he had never said anything about how you got to the point where kissing and touching even happened!
"Me too….I mean you're only the fourth guy I've ever kissed…" said Ritsu. Maybe he shouldn't have said that. Teru had said, before, to never tell anyone what his number was. If a girl ever asked him how many other girls he'd kissed before he was just supposed to say something like 'I've kissed a few girls before but they were all practice for you' or something like that. Ritsu…well he kind of wished that Teru had told him what to say to guys…but also he didn't want to lie to Sho.
"Oh…you're my second….and the best. The first guy…it kind of sucked. We were playing a game in the closet…a kissing game…and the bottle landed on him and he kissed me but he was all grossed out…" said Sho
"It…was kind of the same for me. A guy got dared to try and kiss my friend…so I decided to kiss him since he seemed to like being kissed so much…and it felt…" said Ritsu
"Right." Said Sho. Ritsu got it. Nobody had ever gotten it before….well Shimazaki had…but Shimazaki didn't like him back. Not like how Ritsu liked him back. So it was…it was different. Someone who liked him back…got it.
"Yeah…it felt right. Like when we….when I kissed you…it felt really right." Said Ritsu. He had thought that he was going to die or worse…and he hadn't wanted to die without feeling love and loving someone and…and also kissing Sho was the most amazing thing ever.
"Kissing you felt right too….I mean…" said Sho
"Same. I…um….can we do it again? I mean…I know how to do it…and I've done it before." Said Ritsu
"Kissing is ok…and…um…I don't think that I'm ready for anything besides kissing." Said Sho. He felt like such a baby for saying it but…but he liked Ritsu and Ritsu liked him and…and that was more than enough for him to trust Ritsu. Ritsu was like Shimazaki in that way, the way where Sho knew he could always trust him. That was love.
"Me neither….but…when you say kissing do you mean just normal kissing or do you mean making out? I mean….I've never made out with anyone before…" said Ritsu. He liked Ritsu, Ritsu liked him, and making out…that was ok. It was supposed to be really good. Teru had been bragging about all the girls he'd made out with since the day Ritsu had met him.
"Me neither…but…um…I can do that." Said Sho. He didn't really know what Ritsu meant by making out. He knew that there was kissing and touching but….not dick stuff. He was fine with this so long as it wasn't dick stuff.
"So do you…um…want to do that now?" asked Ritsu. He wanted to do that right now. He wanted nothing else but to kiss Sho, even if mom and dad came through the door right now ready to tuck him in again he wasn't going to stop kissing Sho…that is if Sho wanted to kiss him. He could have said no…he could have left…Ritsu had no reason to think that Sho would go or get pissed off….but his brain was being so stupid right now that he couldn't even!
"I-I do…but…if I'm not good at it then please don't get pissed off. I mean…I've never even had a boyfriend before so…so when would I have ever…I mean…" said Sho. He'd never made out with anyone before. The closest he'd come was when big sis's stupid friend tried to shove her tongue into his mouth. That had been so gross but…but with Ritsu it wouldn't have been…even though it was the same thing.
"We can be…I mean if you want to be boyfriends we can be." Said Ritsu quickly. Sho's aura was taking up the whole room now….he was scared. He was scared and…and Ritsu's barrier went up. He was scared too…but…not for the same reason….or maybe….just…why had Sho had to say that!? Boyfriend…a real boyfriend…like he'd always imagined. Even though he knew, had known for most of his life, that he would never have a boyfriend…that fact hadn't been enough to stop him from imagining what it would have been like to have someone who loved him…held his hand…kissed him…always wanted to be near him…like Tsubomi or Teru but with love and kissing….
He took a step back and put his barrier down.
"You…are you asking me to be your boyfriend?" asked Sho. He…he knew what he heard…but maybe he was going crazy. Ritsu knew that it wouldn't have been a good idea. Sho was far away from Seasoning City right now…and he spent about half the year outside of Japan…how could he be someone's boyfriend when he was so far away? Wait…he was someone's boyfriend…he was Emmy's boyfriend. He was her boyfriend and…and this was cheating. He was cheating and…and he needed…he needed to break up with her.
He needed to be happy.
He knew about pragmatic choices….and he was making one right now. He could either be Ritsu's boyfriend and be happy for the rest of his life or he could stay with Emmy and be miserable…a miserable liar…for the rest of time. He didn't want to be miserable. Dad was miserable. He was so miserable that he had to make everyone else in the world miserable just like he was. Sho wasn't going to live like that…and he wasn't going to force Emmy to live like that either…with a liar who couldn't even stand the idea of making out with her….he knew that dad was going to be pissed at him. He knew that he was going to get his ass kissed. He knew that the only reason he was alive was to keep the bloodline going…but he knew that he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he said 'no' to Ritsu….
Pragmatic choices sucked…but he had to make them…and on his own this time. Without Fukuda.
"Yeah…if you want to be. If not then just pretend I didn't say anything." Said Ritsu
"I…I do." Said Sho. He was sure…he had never been more sure of anything else in his entire life. He loved Ritsu, he wanted to be Ritsu's boyfriend, and if dad didn't like it then dad could go and do stuff with some girl and have another son! Then dad could worry about his new son's dick and then Sho could so whatever he wanted to do with his and…and he wasn't going to be doing any of that kind of stuff…but still! He wasn't going to let his one shot at real love go!
"Cool…so…do you want to?" asked Ritsu. Sho's aura was unreadable…and his face was unreadable…and this whole thing…he could have ruined this forever…or he could have made everything better…or…he didn't know. He had either ruined his one chance at happiness or he'd finally found someone who…who loved him back….
He didn't know. Sho was just staring at him.
Sho was staring and then…and then he raised his hand up. The one that Ritsu had been holding. His hand was cold…his stomach was cold…his entire body was cold. It was like he was covered in ice. Like the time when he'd been little and cousin Tobio put all that ice down the back of his snowsuit…he needed to stop thinking about his cousin! That was weird and…and he was being weird and…and he was so cold. He had never been this cold before, not even when the thing with the ice happened, but as soon as Sho's hand found the side of his face it felt like he was standing on the surface of the sun. Sho's hand was on his cheek, now, and he was leaning in closer…and closer. He kept his eyes opened. They were so blue…and his eyes…he barely had any pupils. He could see Sho's eyes even in the dimness of the light. He was so…so close. He leaned in closer…and closer…and closer…
And then they were kissing.
This was…Ritsu had kissed guys before…but that was just it. Usually he was the one doing the kissing. No guy had ever kissed him before. No guy had ever touched him like that…pulled him close…or kissed him. This was…he didn't know what to do. It felt sort of like that weird game of house he and Tsubomi had played, the one where she wanted to REALLY play 'moms and dads'. Her tongue had been in his mouth then and…and it hadn't felt a thing like this. Ritsu hadn't even intended to start this…sure he'd been talking about making out but he hadn't thought that it would happen so fast. Sho's tongue was trying to stab his…or stab through his….or pin his to the floor of his mouth. This was making out and…and it wasn't that great….
But also it was the most amazing thing in the entire fucking world.
"Y-Yeah…" said Sho as he broke apart from Ritsu. He had never done that before…never made someone kiss him…no, not made. He hadn't made Ritsu. If Ritsu hadn't wanted to kiss him then he could have kicked his ass or bit his tongue or called his parents. Sho had never…he'd never led before. He'd never led in kissing before…and he'd never kissed anyone…with his mouth opened like that…before. Not anyone he'd wanted to kiss. He liked…he loved…he loved Ritsu and he loved this and…and he loved being Ritsu's boyfriend…he loved this more than anything and he would have done anything to be his boyfriend forever.
Even spending the rest of his life in the wardrobe.