The last thing Suzuki Touichirou wanted right now was company…so of course company was what he got.
"Suzuki? Hey? Hey! It's important!" shouted Hatori from the other side of the door. Suzuki opened the door with a wave of his hand. At least Hatori had the decency to knock…unlike some people. Some people who would not be named. Some people who would not even be thought about. Some people who had better be grateful that Suzuki hadn't gotten up from this chair and kicked him through a window. Some people who had better be grateful that Suzuki didn't send people after him to beat him up or boil him in oil or…or whatever that thing was called when you crushed someone with a series of increasingly heavy rocks….
He was a little drunk right now. It would come to him later.
Right now he had to deal with the person who was coming to him now. Hatori…not in his Sunday best. His shirt was on backwards of all things…and he had soap in his hair. A far amount of five o'clock shadow, too, despite the early hour. Odd…something to decipher. Hatori had never been a man who took pride in his appearance but he had never gone walking around like this before…though this may have been the result of the fact that Sunday was now a work day.
He was going to be playing ketchup…catch up…for the rest of the year...and he wasn't even looking forward to it.
"Hatori. What is it?" asked Suzuki as Hatori stumbled into his office…even though there had been nothing at all to stumble over. Oh…that explain it. His glasses were dirty. Even from here Suzuki could see the smudges. He wondered if it was socially acceptable to clean them for him…he didn't really care about what was social acceptable right now. He caught Hatori as he stumbled and then took his glasses from his face and wiped them on the front of his sweater like he'd seen Hatori do a thousand times. It seemed hard, having glasses, but probably no harder than having a son.
There was nothing harder in this world than having a son.
"Thanks." Said Hatori as Suzuki shoved his glasses back onto his face.
"Well? Why are you here? I know it's not because you needed your glasses cleaned." Said Suzuki. Hatori was practically dancing in place now. Nervous….his aura was nervous. Well that made sense. He was a very nervous person. Suzuki would have been a very nervous person, too, if he'd been in Hatori's place. His powers were very well suited for this digital age they'd found themselves living in. He could control any and all electronic systems…which the entire world ran on. If he wanted to he could have done more to take down Claw than the Japanese government, the Yakuza, and the various esper groups that bothered him all put together. Suzuki was grateful that Hatori was on his side. He was a powerful esper….but he was also very weak. When they played role playing games together Suzuki was always the wizard and Hatori was always the fighter, though in life their roles were reversed.
Hatori was the one with too few hit points.
If he had been a character then he would have been a very unbalanced one. He had no hit points, no stamina, and really only had the one skill. In a fight he was less than useless. He could have maybe learned to defend himself the same way normal people did, immense psychic powers or not getting punched was painful, if he hadn't been so small and nervous all the time. Really, he was like a woman in a lot of ways. He was ruled by his emotions, he was very small, and he just had a look of…softness…to him. Like there was a lot of give to him. Like if you were to hold him it would be like holding a woman. Sort of like holding a giant peach. They were soft and sweet and smelled wonderful…not that Hatori smelled wonderful. He smelled like Shimazaki…Suzuki was not going to look into that…Hatori may have acted like a child but he was twenty one and if he wanted to sleep with Shimazaki than that was his business. Suzuki didn't give a damn if Hatori was a homosexual. Hatori wasn't his son.
As much as he wanted it to be so Hatori was not and would never be his son.
"I-I-" said Hatori
"Hatori…I am in no mood right now. Please just say what you need to say and leave me to my work. I'm still laying ketchup…catch up! Catch up from this summer." Said Suzuki. Hatori walked up to his desk, kept a respectable distance, but then…he kept walking. He ignored the chair that Fukuda had been sitting in and kept walking until he was standing at the side of Suzuki's desk. Suzuki had to look up to see him, to look at him, and that…did not feel right. He looked down at others, even men who were taller than him. Hatori had no hope of ever being taller than him…he was little more than a child…
Suzuki pulled up a chair for him.
The one Fukuda had been sitting in. Hatori wanted to be on this side of the desk. Fine. He could be here but he could not loom over Suzuki. It would have been easy to send Hatori flying out of this office…but that would have been stupid. Hatori didn't heal, for one thing, not like Fukuda did. He was a very fragile person, like one of those porcelain dolls mother used to keep in a locked glass cabinet. He wasn't Fukuda. Fukuda was durable, like one of those mass produced plastic dolls that his daughter…that both of his daughters played with. Shigeko still played with dolls…she wasn't any way at all with men because she still played dolls…and even if she wasn't, even if she was whatever way Fukuda had been implying with men, Suzuki didn't want to think about that! He had enough to think about when it came to the children…when it came to one of his children….he didn't need to worry about another….
Worrying wouldn't help anything, anyway.
"Suzuki…can I ask you something?" asked Hatori
"Asking me if you can ask me a question is already asking me a question. It's redundant. Don't be redundant." Said Suzuki
"So…you don't want me to ask you a question?" asked Hatori
"What I want doesn't matter." said Suzuki
"So…so then you do want me to ask you a question?" asked Hatori
"I just said that what I want doesn't matter. Can't you listen? Are your ears as bad as your eyes? I'd suggest that you pay Fukuda a visit but he's very devoted to being an incredibly unpleasant version of himself today." Said Suzuki
"I…really don't know what you mean….but it sounds like you don't want me to ask you a question." Said Hatori. Suzuki wondered if Shibata was around…and if he had his knitting needles. He was very close to shoving a knitting needle past his orbital socket and into his frontal lobe. At this point being a drooling moron would have been preferable to being Suzuki Touichirou.
"No, not really. What I want to do is to be left alone to my work…but so far I've gotten nothing at all done. It has been a VERY difficult morning and it's shaping up to be an even more difficult afternoon…and night…and possibly rest of my life. I have no idea. I have no idea whatsoever what the future holds…or even what the present holds…but if you want to ask me something then you might as well ask me now. This day can't possibly get any worse." Said Suzuki
"It could...uh…they could remake space invaders in 3D, like with 3d glasses, and you can only play it with a Wii-mote." Said Hatori. Suzuki sighed. Well it was official. The world hated him.
"You've made my day worse…congratulations." Said Suzuki
"I was kidding." Said Hatori
"That wasn't very funny." Said Suzuki
"I was going for absurd." Said Hatori
"Oh…well that makes sense. I've seen the Wii remote…and it's terrible. I have no idea how my children can even work it. It's either much too sensitive or not sensitive enough…or at least my children had expressed as such." Said Suzuki
"No, they're right. The Wii-mote sucks. It's hard to hold…and easy to let go of." Said Hatori
"I'm aware. My children used to go through at least five television sets a year…sometimes even more than that. My son even managed to get a controller through the television screen-through! And before his full powers even came in. I am so grateful that they switched to the console…whatever their new one is called. The one with the ipad and the very small controllers." Said Suzuki
"You mean the switch? It's ok…but it's way too fragile. Even with the case if you throw it once then that's it." Said Hatori
"Then maybe you shouldn't throw your things…no. That's hypocritical of me. I apologize." Said Suzuki
"You seriously used to throw your controllers around?" asked Hatori
"I used to throw controllers, consoles, televisions…I threw a computer out of a window once…though neither of my parents was happy with me in that moment." Said Suzuki. To this day he didn't know why mother and father had been so upset with him. Computers had been difficult things in those days. No mouse, no icons, just a long list of code that you had to memorize. He was so glad that computers knew how to speak Japanese instead of people needing to learn to speak like computers. He didn't regret what he did, the computer hadn't even costed his family any money as it had just been another castoff from father's work, though he did regret letting his emotions get the best of him…he really did want to know what that dragon had been guarding…but he would never know. The list of things that he would never know grew more and more immense but the day it seemed…but maybe that was life.
"You threw a computer out a WINDOW? How? I mean I know you did it with your powers…but still. A whole computer…weren't they the size of rooms when you were born?" asked Hatori. Suzuki rolled his eyes.
"When I was born, in 1973, yes, but I was ten years old at the time in which I lost control and threw a computer…and sever other things…out my bedroom window. Honestly. How old do you think I am?" asked Suzuki
"Forty something?" asked Hatori
"Forty five." Said Suzuki
"I was close." Said Hatori
"You had no hope of getting my age correct and we both know it so save yourself the trouble of whatever mental gymnastics you're about to perform and just acknowledge the fact that I am right and you are wrong." Said Suzuki
"Fine, fine, you're right. I forgot how old you were. Is that a crime?" asked Hatori
"No." said Suzuki
"Will it be when you take over the world?" asked Hatori
"No, I would rather not be reminded of my age, thank you." Said Suzuki
"Don't fear the reaper." Said Hatori
"…what?" asked Suzuki. That…he knew that…he hadn't thought about that song in years. Not since…certain things had happened…in his youth…that he hadn't thought about in years. Things that…did not mean anything…but also meant something. Things that maybe even meant something when it came to Sho. Or nothing. Or everything. He honestly didn't know…he didn't even know if there was anything TO know…and not knowing was the worst part of it all.
"It's from a song I heard. It means-" said Hatori
"I know it's from a song and I know what it means. I speak fluent English and I've known Tadashi for the past three decades. In three decades you'll spend enough time with a person that you'll learn all of their favorite songs." Said Suzuki. He had done his best to keep his voice level but the sheer amount of alcohol in his system might have loosened his tongue a bit. Not his powers though, not by much, which was amazing…maybe there was some wisdom in Shigeko's philosophy of spending her life at least a bit intoxicated….though, also, he may not have been a big drinker but he didn't remember brandy and cognac tasting so much like stale tea…
"Huh. I didn't know Fukuda liked music. You think you know a guy…" Said Hatori
"I know him better than you do….though he doesn't make himself an easy person to know. At least not lately…I don't even know him. I don't even know if I still know his favorite songs…and I don't even know why I even care….and I don't even know why I'm telling you this." said Suzuki
"Because I'm your friend and you know that I'll keep all of your secrets? I mean nobody would believe me, probably, if I tried to tell them but it's not like I go around telling secrets anyway. Mob would never forgive me if I just threw up all over our friendship like that. She's…really intense…about friendship." Said Hatori. There, the nervousness was back. Suzuki could feel it coming off of him in waves…but why? Suzuki was the one who had the right to be nervous…even though he had no idea why. There was this feeling that had been coming lately….though maybe it had been there for some time and he had simply suppressed it until he couldn't suppress it anymore, this warmth….and coldness…pain and anticipation…this ball of contradictory feelings he was thrown every time he thought of Tadashi…even now…even when he was angry beyond belief at the man there they were…the contradictory feelings….
He hated them.
He hated feelings. He hated his emotions. He hated how they tried to rule over him. He hated how he couldn't rule over them. He hated how he had no idea how to make all of this stop. He hated how he had no idea how any of this had even started. He hated it so much and he just…he wished that there was some way to get rid of it…but to get rid of it he would have to confront it…and he did not confront his feelings. He was like the ice queen in the good half of the movie, before the singing snowman appeared, he controlled his powers but controlling his emotions…and when they came out he was capable of both the most amazing things and the most terrible…but if it meant that he was capable of nothing at all then he would have removed any and all emotions years ago.
He would rather have been condemned to a life of normalcy than been forced to feel these painful, unexplainable, emotions for one second longer.
But he couldn't wish his emotions away…he had tried. So many birthday wishes, New Year's wishes, wishing well wishes, paper crane wishes, and temple wishes had been spent trying to wish away any and all emotions but it had never worked. There was just nothing that he could do. He was going to end up breaking something, on accident or on purpose, and at least then he would have some respite from this. Something or someone…but not Hatori. He was a good friend. He was the best friend Suzuki had currently…not that he needed a friend…or maybe he did. He had always seen friendship as being beneath him…even when he'd been in the middle of one. He was supposed to be complete on his own. He had tried his best to be complete on his own…but right now on his own he was torturing himself…and anyway 'friendship' did not have to mean weakness. What was a friend besides a companion? Someone to keep near you at all times…someone to speak to when the silence became too oppressive…someone to…to hold onto all the things that you didn't want to carry. A confidant of the highest order….
Hatori may not have been good at much but he was a pretty damn good confidant.
"Hatori…may I ask you something?" asked Suzuki after several moments. An embarrassingly long time, really, he shouldn't have even had to collect himself at all in the first place…but he did and he had. Hatori wouldn't mind. He didn't have any place to mind. For any awkwardness that Suzuki possessed Hatori possessed it times ten…or twenty…or even a hundred. Suzuki, for all of the faults that he was not afraid to acknowledge, did not currently have any of his clothes on backwards and he did not have soap in his hair, either, though it could use a trim…no. Still not as bad as Hatori.
There was no better way to feel better about himself than to put someone else down.
"Asking me that is the same asking me a question." Said Hatori
"Oh….you're right." Said Suzuki. Well now he felt…another feeling that he did not want to feel…but he had to continue onwards. He was Suzuki Touichirou. He did not fail and he did not give up.
"But, yeah, you can ask me anything." Said Hatori
"How…when did you first become aware of the fact that you are a homosexual….and please be as specific as humanly possible." Said Suzuki. There…now it was out there. Now he would know if Sho…truly knew what he was talking about…and if this was another disaster that Suzuki could add to his generous supply. It should have been a simple question, really, to ask. Hatori was not him…and if he had been a homosexual then he might have known by now. He had been alive nearly half a century…that was long enough to understand these things…
Even though…even though there should have been nothing to understand.
He wasn't a homosexual. Father had been very clear. Mother, too. She had told him, over and over again, that he was just confused. That boys kissed girls. That normal boys kissed girls and that he was already different enough as it was. She'd had a point. There hadn't been people like him in the world when he had been a child. People with psychic powers. People with red hair. People with blue eyes. People with unfortunate eyebrows. People with more freckles than there were stars visible in the skies above Seasoning City. People like him had been a rarity… a novelty…different…and he had been different enough…and even at the age of thirteen he had been sick of it…so sick of it…even with another sixty or seventy years of life ahead of him he had already been so sick of it….
He had been different enough.
He hadn't felt different, though, when he let what happened slip to mother and father. There were no secrets in their family, mother had put forth that rule when she caught him trying to raise the dead. No secrets…so of course when asked what he had been up to he, of course, shared what had transpired between him and Fukuda. It hadn't struck him as strange. At school it had been presented as another variation that a person could possess. Some people had red hair, blue eyes, and psychic powers…and some people were homosexuals. He hadn't thought that he was one. Sure kissing Fukuda had been….something. it had started off feeling like nothing but by the third time it had been something…something that made it feel like his body was mostly helium instead of water….but he still felt those same feelings when he had been near the girls in his class, too….so he hadn't been sure…
Confused, that was the word that mother used.
You're killing me. Those were other words that she had used. You're killing me, Touichirou, you're killing your mother with this. Why not go into the kitchen, get a knife, and stab me in the heart right now? Those were other words she's used…words which made no sense. He had loved mother back then…she had been his mother…and the last thing that he had ever wanted to do was kill his mother…and to this day he didn't understand…or at least fully understand…what she had meant by that. How something that he had done, in private, which had nothing to with her could have killed her….
He sort of understood it now.
He had been different enough. She'd had to deal with him…just like he'd had to deal with Sho. That child was different enough already. He was a bleeding heart when it came to creatures smaller than him…the thirty hamsters were more than enough proof of that. He was both quick to resort to violence and quick to resort to breaking down in tears. He had the same emotional ups and downs that Suzuki did…he just hardly let them affect his powers…but still. He had inherited Suzuki's coloring. The hair…the eyes….the freckles….he would never fit in…never blend in….but why would he have ever wanted his son to be…to be regulated to normalcy? To be just like everyone else?
Well….being different…there was a loneliness to it that Suzuki himself hadn't fully conquered.
Sho didn't need to be marked as different any more than he already was. If Suzuki hadn't been his father then he would have had just as rough a go at it as Suzuki had. He would have spent his nights staring up at the stars on his ceiling, not anything close to the real thing but good enough, wishing to go back to his home planet. Wishing that his people would rip a hole in time and space or send a giant robot or just…beam him up…and then he could have been with people who understood him. Sho…as much as that boy's very existence pained him…he didn't want Sho to feel like that…or his son. Sho would have a son, the bloodline could not end with him, bloodlines were very important. Even father had said so and he'd been a normal man.
You will not end my bloodline.
Father had been very clear. You are not a homosexual, you're just starved for female company like prisoners are, and you only acted on this because you were confused. Well now you're not confused anymore. You are not, nor will you ever be, a homosexual and you will not end my bloodline. I risked everything letting your mother carry you. I will not have my hard work end because of you. Now get your shinai, we're going to go outside and practice since, clearly, you have too much time on your hands.
As angry as he was with Sho right now the two of them would not be practicing kendo without any armor on. Ever. Even Sho didn't deserve that.
Sho…he had no idea what Sho deserved. He wanted to put him through a wall…but in doing that he would have had to put himself right through a wall too. Right after him…or maybe before…or maybe at the same time. This was his fault. If not the homosexuality…claims of it…the adultery as definitely his fault. He had cheated on Shiori…on Masami. Not Shiori…she was his one and only. He didn't even look at other women anymore. He couldn't. Not when he had perfection right there in his hands…well in a little blue house in Osaka. She was perfection and beauty and truth and love…and the most amazing lover he'd ever had in his life even if she was a fan of making love in strange places….he was never going to cheat on her. He and Masami had been apart for years…years and years…when he'd had his indiscretion…but they had still been legally married…even though a piece of paper from the government meant nothing if he was going to topple it and take over….but Sho was too young to see the nuances of the situation. He simply looked, saw what his father had done, and decided that he was going to find a partner and take care of those new, hormone based, needs that he'd been having…he'd just been confused and away from his girlfriend for too long….
That is…unless he spoke the truth…but Hatori knew the truth! That is if he ever felt like opening his mouth and sharing it.
"Well? It shouldn't be quite such a difficult question that it requires this much thought. When, exactly, did you know that you were a homosexual? What was the situation? Where were you? How old were you? What were the circumstances of this epiphany?" asked Suzuki
"Well…uh…can I be honest with you?" asked Hatori
"I want you to be as honest with me as humanly possible." Said Suzuki. Such an odd question. Who wanted to be lied to? Well…women when they asked you if certain articles of clothing made them look overweight….people who desperately needed validation….Mukai when she asked you if her imaginary waffles were good….Shigeko when she asked if he was bothered when she smoked marijuana right there in the bed next to him…huh…so there were times when a person wanted to be lied to…well, whatever.
This was not one of those times.
"I-I'm not sure what I am." Said Hatori. Now it was Suzuki's turn to stare at Hatori in silence. His aura…well there was far too much yellow in it. There were very few bi-colored, truly bi-colored, auras in the world so he had no idea what the colors meant…but he was pretty sure that nothing good ever came when his aura had more yellow in it than red.
"Hatori. Explain." Said Suzuki
"Well…I used to think I only liked guys but…uh…girls are starting to look good to me. I mean I heard that sexuality is fluid….heh….sorry, I just-" said Hatori
"I know what you said. It was a juvenile double entendre that I'll probably laugh about to myself, within my own mind, later when I feel better. Now get back to explaining." Said Suzuki
"Uh…right! Anyway…uh…I read that most people aren't all the way straight or all the way gay…or I guess all the way bi. It's a spectrum and….uh….I think I'm more in the middle." Said Hatori. Suzuki wished, at that moment, that instead of taking linear algebra he had taken human sexuality back in university. At the time he hadn't seen the point. He'd had sex, knew he enjoyed it, and didn't have much of an interest in it as he'd been too busy with his coarse work…and also women hadn't really been receptive to his advances but that was neither here nor there….he should have been planning for his adult life, though, he should have been planning better…though how in the hell was he ever supposed to know that THIS would ever have come up?!
Young people. He would never understand young people.
"Hatori. Explain. Better." Said Suzuki
"Uh…well…it's like this. From when I was really little I got…uh…the feeling you get when you're near a pretty girl…or I guess woman…Shiori! The way you feel about Shiori is the way I feel about guys...and it's always been like that…but also I didn't know a lot of girls. But now I know more girls and I guess I feel the same way about them." Said Hatori. Suzuki leaned forward until they were practically nose to nose. He didn't know what he was looking for, focusing that deeply, maybe an answer key. He'd never needed one before, he'd never had to cheat, but right now he needed an answer key or…or something…because what Hatori had just said made no sense. Sure he had been speaking Japanese, perfect Japanese, but the way he had put those words together….there was no way to make sense of that.
"Uh…."said Hatori
"Nozomu. Explain this in words I can understand. Now." Said Suzuki
"I-I'm trying…it would be easier to explain if you'd give me some space." Said Hatori
"Make do with what you have." Said Suzuki
"Um….ok. Just….give me a second." Said Hatori
"Will that be enough time?" asked Suzuki
"I-I…uh….hey! How did you know that you were straight?" asked Hatori. Now that was a question. Suzuki leaned back into his chair…he had been closer to Hatori than was socially acceptable…also he'd had no idea that some of those spots on Hatori's face had been freckles…he still had a skin condition though, just one that wasn't that bad…but why was he thinking about Hatori's skin of all the things in the world?!
He had to think about himself.
The first time that he had ever found a girl attractive…well he'd been in kindergarten and this little girl who sat next to him, unless he felt like pulling the records for his old kindergarten class he was going to have to live with having had forgotten her name, had been the most beautiful human being he had ever met in his life. Her hair had been so long and soft…and she had been so kind. She shared her bread with him when he dropped his at lunch time…and she even napped next to him when no one else would…and she never once tried to touch his hair or his eyebrows…and she had even defended him when the other children had called him a gaijin…what had ever happened to her? He remembered crying into his mother's lap because something happened and it meant that he would never be able to see her again…
Right. Mother had to take him out of school because he stabbed another boy so deep in the side with a sharpened pencil that paramedics had to be called.
But to be fair he deserved it. He had refused to be Suzuki's friend…this was back when he had actually wanted friends. There had been this boy…this boy with freckles…everything else about him had been normal but he'd had freckles…and his freckles had looked like constellations…and that was what had drawn Suzuki to him. There had been this feeling…this need to be beside him…but the other boy had called him gaijin right along with the other children….but it had been a betrayal. They'd held hands on the school's trip to the Seasoning City Spice plant…they'd held hands the whole time because the teacher had ordered them to. If they hadn't held hands then one of them could have fallen into the machines and become spices…and Suzuki didn't want that to happen to the boy…what had his name been? Alright, when he was feeling better he was looking up the class roster for Little Nutmeg's kindergarten day school class of 1978/1979. Well his name didn't matter but this was driving him insane now…but maybe he didn't want to be looked up since Suzuki had probably given him a nasty scar if not outright organ damage.
He'd been aiming for the kidneys.
You only needed one to live, he'd heard on TV, and he hadn't wanted the other boy to die…just to suffer. To know how he made Suzuki feel….and…well even with the use of his powers there was no way that the stab wound had been fatal…and anyway he shouldn't have been acting like that! When a person held hands with you, even at the behest of one of the ultimate authorities in a five year old's life, it meant something…well it had meant something to him….but what had it meant? It had meant…the feeling that his insides had been about to become his outsides…but in a good way. He couldn't remember a single thing he was supposed to have learned during that fieldtrip but he could remember the feel of that boy's hand in his…it had been amazing…the memory of it had made him feel like, and actually in some cases, that he could float off the ground….of course that had passed by the time he'd started first grade…and then there had been that boy that set in front of him…the one that hid Microman toys in his desk…which was the only reason Suzuki had ever played with those things now that he thought about it…of course he'd wound up shoving one don that boy's throat when he, too, made fun of Suzuki…it had been painful and he'd wanted to spread that pain…so of course it had come time to switch schools again…and at the next one…
Huh. When he really sat and thought about it maybe those strange feelings that he'd occasionally had for other boys could have counted as crushes….but that would have meant….oh.
Oh?
Oh.
OH.
OH…..
"Uh…Suzuki? You alright there?" asked Hatori as he shook Suzuki by the shoulder. He looked up and made eye contact….Hatori had very nice eyes even if they were a common shade of brown…not that he thought that Hatori was an attractive man. If he were a woman then he might have…no. If he were a homosexual….but he wasn't…he was attracted to women….he liked both…but father had said that bi-sexual people were just confused…but father was long dead and gone from this world. Suzuki…he thought that Hatori was attractive…and he thought that Tadashi was attractive…not in some hypothetical situation in which he had been born a woman but right now in this situation that he found himself in….
Because he was bisexual.
"I'm bisexual." Said Suzuki. Hatori stared at him for a moment and then pulled his hand away. They sat there like that for some time. Suzuki wondered if Hatori was trying to figure out what he was expected to do with that information. Suzuki sure as hell had no idea what he was supposed to do with it. He was bisexual…he was sexually attracted to other men…his father had been wrong…though to be fair father had been born in 1947 and, of course, would have had no idea that such great strides in the field of human sexual research would have been made. People could be bisexual…who would have thought?
Well bisexual people, for one thing….which he was one….he had no idea what he was supposed to do now as a bisexual man but he at least…knew he was one….
"Uh…would you be pissed off if I said 'I knew it'?" asked Hatori
"I…have no idea how I would feel in that situation…and I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel now…or what I'm supposed to do with this information." Said Suzuki
"Well…I knew it. That's the first thing I'm going to say. I mean I always kind of got that vibe off of you when you were around Fukuda but then you told me all of that personal stuff, which by the way I haven't told a soul about-" said Hatori
"I know that you're going to take it to your death…because if you tell anyone I'm going to kill you." Said Suzuki. He wasn't kidding. Hatori may have been a friend but even his friendships had their limits. Hatori knew things…personal things…things that could ruin him if they got out. Whatever he was it could not look bad, look weak, to the people who depended on him…and the ones who wanted him dead, too. He had to look strong and it was impossible to look strong when you had recurring sexual fantasies about being taken by your former best friend and probable romantic…person of interest….or at least sexual…person of interest….
What….what was Fukuda to him?
Suzuki had kissed him so many times…and he was ready to admit that those times had been fueled by sexual desire….and maybe even romantic desire…which was maybe why it hurt so much that Fukuda had harmed him…harmed his trust. Thirty years of it…that was even longer than he'd known Masami let alone been married to her…Fukuda had hurt him more than Masami ever had…and Masami had been his wife! Wait…did this mean that he wanted Fukuda to be his wife? Or that he wanted to be Fukuda's wife? Suzuki…when he allowed himself to think of Fukuda in that way…it had always been if he had been born female. How he would have wanted to have been taken by Fukuda…roughly, too, with a lot of being pinned down trapped underneath his much…larger…body….
Suzuki didn't even want to know what he was supposed to do with that information.
"Right…anyway…uh…I knew it! Sorry, I already said that but…yeah. I figured that you figured this out about yourself you know…when we talked about it that one time…but anyway it's cool that you figured yourself out and…uh….glad to help? What are friends for?" said Hatori
"Helping their friends." Said Suzuki
"What?" asked Hatori
"You asked me what friends were for and this is what friends are for. Friends are there to help each other…now help me understand what I'm supposed to do with this information. Right now." Said Suzuki
"Don't kill Sho. Just…whatever you do please don't kill Sho!" said Hatori. Well now he was back to the nervous panicking…but Suzuki didn't blame him. He cared for Sho…most of the others did…even though he was such a terror and a failure. Suzuki didn't know why everyone cared so deeply for him…but he knew that he wasn't going to kill his son…not over something that was his fault entirely. Sho was…his son…and he had inherited a lot from him. Sexuality was probably something that got inherited just like temperament and coloring. Sho couldn't help who he was…or what he had done…this was all Suzuki's fault…and he had to figure out how to make this right….
If there even was a way to make this right.
"I'm not going to kill Sho. I don't kill children. I haven't killed a child since I WAS a child." Said Suzuki
"Wait, what did you just-" said Hatori
"Sho is still my son, it would be downright idiotic to kill him. I just need to have another child, that's all." said Suzuki
"What?" asked Hatori
"I have to have another son. If my son truly is a homosexual, though if I'm bisexual then he must be too, then I'll need to have another son. I'm not married so there should be no problem…aside from confusing the line of succession….but it can be settled later. Right now I have to…to move forward. Yes. This is what I'm going to do with this information. I'm going to have another son, raise him to rule the world, and then I'll be able to cut Sho loose and he'll be able to live his life however he wants to. There. Everyone will be happy." Said Suzuki. He felt better…so much better. He was going to have another son, hopefully a heterosexual one this time, and then that son would rule the world. His own son would be able to live his life in whatever way he wanted to and Suzuki would still be free to spend his life with Shigeko…and Shiori, too, she would be involved in his life.
This was a good plan….mainly because he had a plan now.
Plans were good. Plans were comforting. Plans made everything in the world make sense. He knew what he would do. When Hatori left he was going to call Shiori and ask her for an itemized list of things he had to do so she would consider him an acceptable reproductive partner…and life partner, too, because he did want to marry her again. Then they would have children…most likely with medical help since she was forty and he imagined that after forty five years his sperm production wasn't what it used to be. Yes…then they would have their son…and more daughters, too, they were the best sorts of children…and then he would conquer the world and at some point he would take Shiori down into the deepest parts of the ocean so she could see it for herself instead of from behind glass….and he would name their son Tetsuro…and their daughter could be Maetel…and then she could name the rest…and also they'd get Chinese food at some point and he'd make sure that her galaxy of wontons had enough wontons to be classified as a galaxy….and then they would grow old together and die.
Yes. Now he had a plan. Everything would be ok.
"I…was talking about the thing you said before about killing a kid-" said Hatori
"Oh. That. I killed another child once…but that was decades ago and I've moved on with my life. I can barely remember. Anyway it's not important. What's important now is how I'm going to move forward with my new life as a bisexual man." Said Suzuki
"Uh…sure…whatever you say. I guess for your new life…I mean…congrats on having another kid. I didn't even know Shiori was pregnant." Said Hatori
"She isn't, not yet, I'm going to have to work on that." Said Suzuki
"You're not going to, you know, poke holes in condoms are you?" asked Hatori
"No…and why do people keep on suggesting that? I'm not going to be doing that. She's going to notice, most likely, and if she doesn't then she'll probably terminate the pregnancy because I attempted to trick her. Honestly, it's a terrible plan and I can't believe that you and Tadashi…Fukuda…would think that I could be capable of something like that." Said Suzuki
"Sorry….it just seems like something you'd…I mean it seems like something a guy who really wanted to have kids would do…but I wouldn't know. I don't have a girlfriend." Said Hatori
"No, you don't, so don't speak on such matters." Said Suzuki
"I won't, don't worry. Just…can I ask about Sho? Like…what you're going to do to him, I mean. He's been really freaked out and…uh…he tried to ask Shimazaki to…uh…take a hit out on you." Said Hatori. The ending of that sentence came out like he thought he was on a time limit. He wasn't. Suzuki wasn't going to call Shiori yet, upon further thought he decided that she may have been more likely to be receptive of his proposal once she was done with her workday. Hatori could have taken all day to tell Suzuki that his only son had just tried to take a hit out on him….
Stay. Calm.
"Sho is just a child. He doesn't know what he's doing…and I won't be doing anything to him, anyway….I can't. Shigeko would be angry with me and also I would be a hypocrite. I can't stand hypocrisy." Said Suzuki
"Oh….cool. Cool, cool, cool, that's….uh…cool. So I'll just tell Sho, next time I see him, that it's safe to come home…is that something I should tell him?" asked Hatori. Suzuki shrugged.
"Right now I can't stand the sight of him. Every time I look at him I see all of my own failures….so he can live wherever he wants to live for the time being. The only person I can see being upset by his absence is Shigeko so he needs to clear it with her, first." Said Suzuki. Hatori nodded, paused, and then nodded again…he looked like one of those water drinking plastic birds that people kept on their desks…he wondered if Tadashi still took that bird from office to office…posting to posting….not that he wanted to ask. Not that he wanted anything to do with Tadashi…not after what he had done…and said…and been about to say about Shigeko….no. He didn't care about Tadashi at all….
He wanted Tadashi to pick him up, kiss him senseless, then lay him on his back and ride him right then and there on his desk….but that didn't mean that he cared about the man or anything!
"That's…uh….I'll be sure to pass that along…"said Hatori, his aura just as nervous as ever.
"Good, see to it that you do….now leave me to my work." Said Suzuki. He waved his hand and the door opened. He needed…he needed to be alone right now. Alone with his thoughts…with his planning…because he needed to plan. He needed to up his entire timetable if he was going to be having another child….multiple children. He needed to figure out how to get Shiori to agree with this…which would take time…and he needed to conquer the world so his new Son could learn at his side and not…well Sho hadn't learned anything….Sho was no longer relevant. He had another son coming, at some point, and that son….Tetsuro. Tetsuro would be twice the son Sho ever was…and he would keep the bloodline going…yes. Everything would be alright….
And it was all thanks to Hatori.
He may have been a nervous man, and little more than a child, not to mention generally useless outside of a very specific set of circumstances….but he was a good friend. A trustworthy friend. Someone who had done more for him in…he didn't know. He wasn't in the mood to quantify time. He wasn't in much of a mood for anything other than…than making sure that everything was alright…as alright that it was going to be…ever going to be….so that was it, then…this was…there was a lot of emotion there, but positive emotion….something else which could also be overwhelming…
But…not as overwhelming as…everything else had been, before.
"And Hatori….Nozomu…thank you." Said Suzuki just before Hatori crossed the threshold from his office out into the hallway. Hatori stopped, and tensed, but that was normal for him. One of these days Suzuki was going to have to figure out what Hatori was always so afraid of.
"S-Sure thing, uh, Touichirou…what are friends for?" asked Hatori. Well….he seemed like he'd asked a question…but he'd in fact made a statement. What were friends for? They were for…for helping regulate the emotions within you…they were there to help you gain perspective….they were there to make you feel better. They were…a necessity….
Good company was a necessity…and he was glad to have had Nozomu's. His company….and his friendship.