By: Minuiko
A/N: You should check out the Hagaren theme songs' lyrics. They're really moving, and good inspiration too.
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Chapter 4&
I see you in my dreams, but then I wake up
That alone should satisfy me, but…
Since I am so petty, I do nothing but repeat mistakes
How strong must I become so no one will get hurt?
I begin to believe that hesitating is a weakness
Embracing the wound that will never heal
The two keep walking because they cannot go back
Their hearts deep inside still hurt from their inerasable sin--Excerpt from Inerasable Sin translated lyrics, FMA ending theme one.
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Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. It differs from the others because of what surrounds it. Envy does not require love, like all the other sins. Lust, Gluttony, Pride, Wrath, Greed— all five require some form of passion. They are capable of existing by themselves. The sixth, Sloth, may not need love, but is also capable of existing by itself. Envy requires more than one person for it to exist, but harbors no love. An existence fueled by purpose alone, the purpose often leading to fear and despair.
Envy walked alongside Ed and Winry, face downcast as he thought of the irony of his old master's name for him and the very definition of Envy. He didn't need friends: he'd survived without them all his life, and could continue living that way. His hate for Dante, his pure need to see her despicably beautiful face again (because, however hateful, she was beautiful), the need to feel her life taken from her by his hand, was sickening even to himself, but needed. Ed needed his brother. Envy needed revenge.
"Why do you need to go to the post office again?"
Ed glanced at Winry before his shoulder sagged and he replied, "Stupid Colonel Mustang wants me to give him a full account of what I find in this country… but what I really can't stand are his stupid sarcastic remarks… 'Ah, I see, you bought a slave… yes, and I heard that that city that you just happened to leave a while back is in an uproar too… know anything about it?'… that cocky bastard, just because he knows what I do from day to day doesn't give him the right to rub it in my face."
Winry sighed, rubbing her temple. Ed roughly shoved a thin, obviously hastily written letter in the mailbox, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Envy thought, Colonel? This country? and asked him, "You're from out of the country? … well, I guess that would explain the whole slavery issue… What do you do for a living anyways?"
"…work for the state… the only way I can support my mom and little brother…"
Envy read between the lines: Ed's father was missing. Ed didn't sounded bitter, just resigned, with a halfway bored we're-better-off-than-without-him voice. Most likely, the dad was dead or good-for-nothing. It didn't matter anyways. Envy never knew his father, and his mother… Damn it, for the last time, it's Dante, not mother!
But then again, who was he to deny the ties of blood? Dante was related to him, and he couldn't deny it. Doesn't mean I have to like it. She was still a filthy bitch.
"Ooh, how gorgeous! Ed, can we buy it? Please?"
She was looking at a new automail part at a store that they'd passed. Ed rolled his eyes. "Don't use up all my money like you did last time."
"I won't. Part of your money's going into Envy's clothing anyway."
"…Clothing?" both Ed and Envy demanded at the same time.
She looked at the two boys in disbelief. "You can't expect him to wear that all the time!"
Envy looked down at his worn midriff, loincloth, and shorts— okay, so it wasn't exactly formal, or even proper, but it covered the absolutely necessary body parts and was what he was comfortable with. "There's nothing wrong with it, is there?"
"…it's how a whore would dress, Envy."
She seemed to be forgetting one minor detail. Envy growled in irritation. Maybe this was why she was so nice to him— damn woman didn't even think of him as a slave. She probably knew he was one, but couldn't register it in her delicate little brain. "Isn't that what I am?"
Winry wasn't fazed. "NO, you're NOT, not now, and you're not going to be wearing that the whole day! You may not have anything else to wear for the moment, but we're going to buy more stuff for you. We can use as much of Ed's money as we want (I do anyway). It's all he's good for, anyway. Can't cook, can't clean, can't fix his arm himself, eats too much, can't—"
"…I'm right here, you know," Ed cut in, glaring at her. She waved him off.
"It's the truth, Ed. Now let's find something for Envy!"
"…no, thanks. You find it yourself."
Winry reached into her pocket and threw a large wrench at Ed, who yelped as it hit him square in the head and left a huge bruise. "Let's. Find. Something. For. Envy. Now."
"Yes, ma'am."
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Envy walked out of the store feeling like a wooden mannequin, a guinea pig, a test subject. Damn woman wouldn't let him choose his own things. She'd even commented on Ed's pants, said that they looked good on him because his ass was tight, and asked Envy if he'd like to try a pair just like them on. He'd promptly declined, his face turning red. He wasn't that observant.
But in return for that, he had more decent clothes on. They were nothing flashy, nothing expensive, just dark blue denim jeans and a loose, sleeveless black shirt with a metal brown belt slapped in the middle. He didn't look that bad. Winry had also bought him another two pairs of similar clothing. He'd declined the shoes, though; that was pushing it. He was more used to being barefoot anyways.
It was nearly noon. Ed looked at the huge clock tower in the middle of the marketplace and his faced turned serious, telling Envy he was sorry but that he'd have to change back into his old clothes. Envy shrugged. Ed grinned and hung his head apologetically. "We're gonna have to eat as we walk, there's not enough time."
"… I'm going to change…"
Envy turned his back to them and went in one of the private dressing rooms in the store to change. He felt almost sorry that Ed had bought him. WhywhyWHY is he so goddamned nice? Well…not exactly nice… just somewhat naïve... no, that wasn't the word for it. Envy gave up searching, instead going for going over what exactly Ed had done…
He'd offered to give Envy the same food he himself ate, at the same place he ate, at the same level while having no idea how Envy felt about his servile, his lower-than-dirt position. With just that one statement, Ed had suggested again, without a second's hesitation, that they were equals. Envy was finding it hard to be angryaround Ed… when just a while ago he was thinking that he didn't need friends, that he didn't need anyone, that Ed would be a piece of cake to ignore. Funny how people's opinions can change in just a few hours…
He didn't want to be beholden to Ed, and yet couldn't deny him when he offered something. He hated it, hated things that were out of his control, things he couldn't stop. Envy didn't reallylike Ed— his reaction to Ed's unexpected advance the day before was out of shock and not attraction— golden eyes and all— but he couldn't possibly be anything other than civil to Ed, because when compared to all his other masters, Ed was like some merciful angel here to bring him to nirvana… he shouldn't think that way. Ed wasn't an angel, and he didn't deserve heaven.
I have something that I must do… and that's to kill Dante. Doubt any God will accept me after I complete my mission.
He wouldn't forget his other masters or the other people in the world just because Ed was decent to him… Envy almost smiled at the absurdity of the thought as he pulled the top of his black two-piece over his bare chest. No, he wouldn't forget… he could never forget.
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The first lesson had been the hardest. The boy was chained in the very back of the cold stone room, dripping sweat and blood and staving off his intense hunger by sheer willpower and pride alone. The day before, he'd run off and suffered a severe beating. It wasn't his fucking fault. He wasn't expecting what the godforsaken "customer", as his master called him, had been about to do, and like any sensible human, had run from what scared him. It wasn't like he was trying to piss the man off; he was just acting on instinct.
That day he'd done as the whorehouse owner had ordered, letting the disgusting male customer get on top of his naked form and do as he pleased. But he hadn't succumbed to the treatment, hadn't responded to the rough, lustful touch, the greedy, plundering tongue. He just lay beneath the crushing weight of the much older man like a lifeless doll, determined to resist as best as he could. If he couldn't resist, at least he didn't have to react.
There was nothing in the world so fundamentally wrong as what had happened to him, but he couldn't yell out or complain or even hurt anyone. He was a prisoner in every aspect— attire, attitude, speech, even the way he walked. The door opened, letting in a small amount of dim light, something the damp room, reeking of the smell of human waste, lacked. The owner sneered at him. "Not good enough, boy."
He slapped the boy, who hissed as he bit down a cry and resumed staring at the man with a dull look in his eyes that hid the intense hatred lurking just beneath the surface. The man wasn't good enough to get angry over… he wouldn't admit that the man was his master, wouldn't do as he said…
"The customer wasn't very happy with your behavior. Your job, boy, is to please the customer and to make money off him. That's what whores do best. Use that useless head of yours. You're going to get laid either way, but one way makes more money that the other."
I don't need you to fucking preach to me! Your advice is worth nothing. The pale boy stared icily at the man, violet eyes clear, burning with the fire and hatred lacking the moment before. "It all goes to you, so what the fuck do I care?" he spat.
The response was a hard punch to the gut. The boy's air supply was cut, and he dangled from the chains as he fought for air, breathing hard and laughing weakly, triumphantly, insanely. That was all he cared about… he didn't rationalize that he was in chains and that the man had the advantage, in weight, age, and position, all he knew was that he wanted to anger the man as much as possible before he lost consciousness, as he knew he would.
That earned him another slap in the face. "Shut up, boy. It seems you haven't learned your lesson."
His tone and face turned ugly. "Say 'I'll try harder tomorrow, Master,' you filthy little whore."
There was a slight shaking of long dark hair as the boy stared at the man. "I won't."
"Say it."
"No."
The man took down the iron bullwhip he'd used on the boy the night before, a glint in his eyes as he looked down on the boy, who'd tensed his body, preparing to withstand the cutting blows again. He tightened his grip on the whip, the look in his eye turning murderous. "Say it. Now."
Power play. Showing that he's the dominant one, no matter what I do. The boy's eyes strayed to the potentially lethal whip, his defiance level going down as he recalled the excruciating pain of the other night. He didn't want to give in… couldn't give in…but…
The owner's hand brought the whip down. The boy screamed. It went on again, just like the other night, but the boy's common sense and natural instinct finally overcame his pride as he screamed, "Master!"
The man stopped the beating, looking over his bleeding slave with a superior air. The boy squeezed his eyes shut as he rasped out, "I'll try harder tomorrow… Master…"
His master seemed satisfied. He sneered at the boy again, telling him, "A few more beatings like this and you'll be dead. I advise you not to play these games with me again."He left in much the same fashion as the last night. The boy found that he couldn't even cry. Now that he'd let go of his pride, the only thing left was his hope. All he could think about was the empty chasm in his stomach, about how much his body ached from letting the customer have his way with him, about how spilling so much blood wasn't right, about how absolutely filthy he felt, figuratively and literally speaking. He clutched his stomach and winced. "K'so… and he didn't even feed me…"
There was one more issue that was gnawing its way from his head to his heart and intoxicating his entire being… he looked to the sky. "Mommy's not here yet…Mommy…?"
"…When are you coming?"
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Envy grimaced. This was like how he'd woken up two days ago. His head hurt… He disliked remembering things. He really hated remembering things. I was such a fool for even waiting for Dante as long as I did… And the bastard didn't even feed me until the fifth day… when I finally started showing satisfactory results…
Ed's voice reached him. "Envy, you done?"
"Yeah… be out in a minute."
Envy looked back into the mirror, his slender fingers touching his pale face, as though searching for something he couldn't find, before he shook his head. It was only on the inside that people felt dirty, he wasn't about to see it right there on his face… I want to be clean again. I want to go back in time, when I was still a fucking virgin, I want everything that happened ever since Dante sold me to be just a dream…
Do I want Ed to be just a dream? Envy quickly drove that thought away from his head as he scowled into the mirror and quickly rebuked himself for even thinking about Ed when he didn't, shouldn't even matter, and went back to his original train of thought. What I want will never become a reality because once time passes, it's never regained… Thinking like that didn't help matters at all, and he seemed to be having a lot of useless thoughts and useless memories coming back lately…
"This is stupid…"
He pulled on his headband and joined Ed outside the store. Ed took a deep breath and gave both Winry and him one of his let's-go-kick-ass grins. "Well, let's go."
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.:Owari:.
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A/N: I actually finished the chapter! Summer school/extra classes just started (and I'm going into high school, too), so I have less time at the computer, but I'll try to update regularly. Strangely enough, the Envy/childhood/flashback was the part I most enjoyed writing… gah. I'm such a sadistic bastard. xD
Big thank yous to Reviewer, Maruken, and Isisoftheunderground for being consistent and absolutely awesome reviewers for all three chapters so far! Thanks to everyone else who reviewed chapter 3, too. I'm only answering those people who either ask me things or who write something interesting that I'd like to respond to.
kiellne: maybe not quite "ripe" yet ;D. I can't read much Chinese either… Do you have AIM? I could send you the BBI opening if you want xD;.
Zeila E: Thanks for reviewing again:3. No, I can't write hiragana, or kanji, for that matter (I know there's nothing other than my age and height in my profile, but just so you know, I'm Chinese… xD).
Kireishi-chan: Why don't you actually give me a review and not rant about something off-topic? Just kidding xD, it's okay, as long as you're reading… (cough, andyou'resupposedtohate/beneutraltoyaoitoo, cough)… and ooh, I wanna see Aki's dad's wrench! Now both Riza and Winry have wrenches.
General public: Umm, well, I'm getting better at writing. I didn't exactly edit this or the last chapter, so tell me if you noticed any error. I saw a pretty obvious grammar error in the last chapter… the next dedication goes to whoever finds it first! xD
Review!