Standard disclaimers apply.
A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed chapter 9…I can understand that many are dying to wrap their hands around poor Sano's neck and squeeze the very breath out of him, but before you do, here's chapter 10 which will give you more insight into Sanosuke's feelings after the tiff he had with Megumi at Ikebukuro. This chapter begins with Sanosuke at the pachinko arcade after he left Megumi standing in the wind. OK, on with the fic before Sano actually gets killed!
(Maddi, koukou-chan's turning BLUE! LOL. And this is dedicated to you, girl!)
Chapter 10: Guilt and Regret
I don't know what the hell possessed me to do that.
Wait, Sano. You didn't even do anything.
Not even anything?
Yeah. You didn't do anything.
…But that's the problem, isn't it?
Sanosuke's mind was so congested with thoughts; he felt like he was going out of his mind. The loud thump, thump, thump of the music in the background wasn't doing much to help either. But despite all these distractions, one word stood out crystal clear in his befuddled mind.
Megumi.
Sagara Sanosuke never thought himself capable of hurting that woman, be it physically or emotionally. She was a tough, independent and smart woman, but at the instant he silently admitted to having slept with Natsumi, he saw all remnants of the toughie in her disappear with the loud clacking of the pachinko balls against each other. All was left behind was a hurt woman; a woman who hastily put on her mask of indifference and arrogance in a bit to defend her broken heart from any more brutal attacks.
"So this is most probably your moment of glory right, after years of such a degrading lifestyle?"
She had said that to an irate Natsumi; to others, it appeared as a display of her bitterness that Natsumi had slept with Sanosuke. He knew better. He saw through it at once. She was so insecure at that point, all her self-confidence shattered by Takeda Kanryuu and him, Sagara Sanosuke, that she had to desperately criticise Natsumi in an attempt to make herself feel less of a failure. She degraded Natsumi verbally, because she was disappointed with herself and him, and she was dying for a plank of self-assurance to cling on to in the choppy waves of the sea that was insecurity.
"What can I do to make you forgive me?"
Megumi was not one who would say such a statement. Where has the usual pride that she was so full of?
Sanosuke knew the answer without even thinking twice.
He made her feel so worthless.
He wanted to protect her, but he ended up hurting her more.
Just like the scumbag Kanryuu did, he thought bitterly, his fingers curling up till his fists were tightly clenched. You're low, Sano. You just repeated what that asshole did to Megumi.
Sure, Sanosuke knew he himself was no saint. Never was, and never will be. He had been undeniably furious and upset with Megumi after her angry outburst at Ikebukuro and her lack of appreciation for the lengths he had gone to for her sake.
He had been so blinded by fury; he went straight home and grabbed some belongings, before his feet led him to Tomogawa Natsumi's place, where he used to spend lonely nights at before he met Sayo. He and Natsumi all along had this on-off relationship that was purely physical and wild. There was no commitment to speak of, and neither were the confidante of each other. They just needed company, and hence this emotionally-empty sexual relationship was established.
However, Sanosuke knew that this was just an excuse. He definitely did not have any intention to sleep with Natsumi that night, but the amounts of alcohol he consumed out of anger and his desperate longing for warmth and comfort led him to make that mistake. Of course, there had been initiation on Natsumi's part, but it was his immediate consent, without second thoughts, that left himself disgusted with his own behaviour. It made him feel like he was cheating on Megumi, although there never was any solid relationship to begin with. Only when he woke up, sober, did he feel like the asshole he behaved like.
Sanosuke…You screwed up big time.
You are the biggest idiot in Tokyo. In Japan. In the world.
Closing his eyes as he leaned back against the wall, he recalled how moments ago, Megumi had looked at him with so much sorrow and disappointment. It wasn't Natsumi's fault…it was his. He felt bad for that; he used Natsumi to get back Megumi, albeit indirectly.
He had let her down.
As he felt himself slowly drowning in the guilt, a sudden soft caress on his left cheek, before a gentle kiss was also felt.
"Megumi…"
"Sano-kun?"
His eyes snapped open and seeing Natsumi in front of his eyes made him jerk away from her harshly, pushing her arm away a lot more strongly than he had intended for it to be. Natsumi's eyes were filled with shock as she clutched her arm, looking at Sanosuke with concern before reaching out for him again.
"Sano-kun? Nani ga atta?"
He couldn't bring himself to continue this anymore. Not anymore. Megumi was right; he did all this to spite her. From the very first instant he stepped into Natsumi's place, it had already been a big mistake. It had snowballed as things got out of control, and now Sanosuke must put an end to it, before the snowball buries him alive. This was not fair to Megumi, not fair to Natsumi and also, not fair to himself.
He had to do something about it. Fast.
"Gomen na, Natsumi." He suddenly spoke up, standing up straight to face her.
Confusion marred Natsumi's pixie-like features, as she asked, "What are you talking about?"
"I am moving out tonight."
"Eh? Where will you go then?" She inquired, getting more confused by the second. "Do you even have a place to go?"
She was right. He really didn't have anywhere to go. He couldn't bring himself to face Megumi yet. Not after all the stupid things he did in a fit of anger.
But there was no way he could allow himself to spend another night at Natsumi's place. It wasn't right.
"I'll be OK." Sanosuke assured the girl, making sure to keep his hands in his pocket. "Arigatou, Natsumi."
With that, Sagara Sanosuke didn't even pause to wait for any reply.
Instead, he walked past her and her other friends. Out from the Pachinko arcade, and hopefully, out of this hell of a mess he created.
Sanosuke went back to work at the Akabeko, having spent the night sleeping in the storeroom. That, of course, gave Tae a great shock in the morning, but on the other hand, the kind lady boss was just glad that she had her good friend and employee back. Sanosuke was thankful that Tae did not ask any questions about what exactly happened between him and Megumi, and neither did she probe about how Megumi acquired bruises after going out to look for him the day before.
Life was somewhat back to normal. Almost.
But Sanosuke knew deep down in his heart that unless he did something about it, things were never going to be the same again.
He wanted to approach her, but at the same time, he couldn't find courage within himself to do so. Full of shame and remorse at what he did, and also desperately wanting to see her and apologize for everything.
Hell, he was even prepared to swallow all his pride and grovel.
Burying himself in work and downing can after can of Asahi beer did little to help; even when he was busy or drowsy, the thought of her still stands out clear amidst all the distraction. He realized, her importance to him and the way she made the hurt Sayo left behind go away so naturally.
During work hours, he would try to peep out of the shop at his apartment on the opposite street, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. But days went past with no such luck.
It was the 31st of December, New Year's Eve. Sanosuke still hadn't done anything. Not to mention that time was slipping away fast; Akabeko was already making its final round of deliveries at 10pm.
I wonder how she is doing…
Strapping the boxes of agedashi tofu and ebi tempura onto the back of his bicycle, Sanosuke set out on one of his usual delivery routes. The wintery air rushed against his face as he pedaled slowly down the darkened street, his thoughts more on Megumi than the delivery he was supposed to make.
As hamamatsu-cho train station came into sight, Sanosuke couldn't help it but recall the night when he first met her.
From his "Hey Miss…are you OK?" to her "No! You can't! You can't just leave me here…", everything just seemed so amazing. It was really Fate that brought two people together like this.
Why of all people in Tokyo, he had to be the one who found her sobbing at the stairs?
Why of all times, did he have to be passing by that place after a night of gambling?
The way things turned out was simply so natural and so perfect, and before they knew it, they had fallen for each other.
That night at Yebisu definitely meant something. Neither had been willing to admit it, but now that they almost fell out, did they regret and wish for the clock to turn back to where things were peaceful and sweet, albeit filled with arguments every now and then and incessant names-calling.
"Megumi. I'll always be there for you."
That was what he promised her that night, but he was now afraid that everything would end before it could even begin. He was afraid, very afraid, of how he might actually lose her for good. She was the first girl who was able to point out immediately what his heart was thinking when they talked about his family, and was also one of the few who didn't treat the issue like a big joke.
"Belittling yourself and the situation does little to mask your emotions, Sanosuke."
She read him like a book.
The Rooster needed the Fox.
If he let go of her now, he might never get her back again.
Less than 2 hours left to New Year's Day itself.
If he missed this chance, he'd regret for the remaining days of his life.
"Never let go only to regret later, Sanosuke." His late guardian, Sagara Souzou had told him. "If you let it slip by, the chance might never come back to you again."
"Wakatta…You're right, Taichou." Sanosuke looked up into the stars above and whispered gratefully.
With renewed confidence, Sanosuke hurriedly finished the round of delivery before returning to the Akabeko, locking the cash in the drawer at the counter before locking up the shop as usual.
As he reached for his mobile phone in his back pocket, Sanosuke got a shock when his phone began ringing at the instant his fingers curled around it.
Megumi!
Pulling the merrily-singing phone out of his pocket, he checked the caller ID with bated breathbefore picking up the call, disappointment slightly tugging at his heart.
It was Tae calling.
Pressing the button for "accept", he pressed the phone to his ear, before greeting in an casual tone to mask any signs of his emotions.
"Hey lady boss, I have already locked up the place. The money is-"
"No, Sano! I didn't call to tell you that!"
"Is it the bicycle? Don't worry-"
"No, no, no!" Tae shouted over the phone, her voice slightly shaky from worry. "Sano, Megumi is nowhere to be found!"
"What do you mean by 'nowhere to be found'?" Sanosuke urgently pressed, the mention of Megumi's name setting off alarms in his head.
"She has been out since this morning, and until 15 minutes ago when I left Akabeko for home, I popped by your place, only to find it still empty! I tried calling her on her phone, but no one picked up! There is no note or whatsoever! What could have happened? I don't know where-"
"Thanks, Tae." Sanosuke muttered, ending the call quickly before dialing Megumi's number. He kept his eyes on the screen as the bright image of a phone indicated "calling…Takani Megumi.", before putting the phone to his ear and running out onto the streets of Hamamatsu-cho.
The ringing went on and on, until Sanosuke's arm ached from the effort of holding the phone to his ear as he ran along. Shoving the phone back into his back pocket after ending the call, he tore down the street, ignoring the stares he was receiving from others and the unbearably cold wind whipping at him.
Running in the direction of Shiba Koen, he knew that if his instincts did not fail him, he would be able to find her; 900m away from Hamamatsu-cho station.
Please be there, Megumi…
To be continued…
A/N: Sorry if this was a bit shorter than the rest…I hope Sanosuke's remorse helped him get forgiveness from you guys. throws Sano a LOOK Ok, he says he'll never do it again. Where could Megumi possibly be? If you've guessed right, LOL that place is really a 900m walk away from Hamamatsu-cho station! I checked that out!
Hope you guys enjoyed it, please read and review!
Nani ga atta – What's wrong?
Arigatou – Thank you
Agedashi tofu – fried tofu with sauce
Ebi tempura – Deep-fried prawns
Wakatta - I got it
Taichou - Leader