Monday, 10:05 A.M.

No no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Unhand me, you filthy little mud-worm! Back to town! Back to town! Arrrrgh! …Fine. But you just lost your petting privileges for a month, Master Imbecile. Nerdy Girl (1), you're helping him, so same goes to you.

Hey, wait a minute, I remember this place. I took quite a fall here. And it was then that I learned to fear the terror that was Baby Master Imbecile… He started crying for his "mommy", who I distinctly remember had turned into a gigantic monster trying to eat him. (2)

Kid never had any brain cells, not even back then. Maybe I should have just let her have him. After all, what's the worst she could have done compared to Dirk? With all the times the dwarf threw his hammer at Master Imbecile, it's no wonder the kid's so… I'll be nice and say special.

Oh well. Time to get moving. Hey, maybe we can grab some jerky at the base up there. That may prove difficult, however. (3)

…Oh no.

Oh, NO.

That scent…

It couldn't be…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NONONONONONONONONO!

Gotta get out of here, gotta get out of here! I'll talk later, diary, but right now I'm getting the hell out of here!

Monday, 10:15 A.M. Outside The Desian Base

I shall have you know, dear diary, that Noishe P. Philips does not do cowardice and desertion. Which, as I have realized as I scampered out of that accursed forest, is exactly what Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl were attributing to me. I do, however, retreat. And that's exactly what I have just done.

Come on, don't look at me like that, you stupid book! I had no choice! You'd have run, too, if you had a stalker of that magnitude! …Can books have stalkers? Do you? I bet you do. Don't deny it.

Yes, dear diary, she is back. After I abando- left Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl to their own devices… she confronted me. I shall record our conversation here, so that you may gain an insight into the torment I experience often at the hands of this she-devil.

I had escap- made a tactical retreat from the forest, but she had apparently doubled around and was awaiting me at the exit.

"Noishey-chan!"

The voice of Nifilheim itself.

"What… What do you want from me?" I was terrified. Trust me, I have good reason.

"Silly doggy, you don't have to whine! Oh, you are so cuuuuuuuute!"

By now, my ears were bleeding.

"Back off, horrendous spawn of the netherworld! It's against my nature to hit women, but I'll give you no quarter if you get any closer!" I roared.

"Oh!" She seemed shocked. "Wh… Why are you barking at me?" Honestly, the girl makes Master Imbecile look like… Well, I can't really think of anyone smart to compare him to, seeing as how this world is full of idiots and all, and none of them come close to my brillian-

Ah, that's it. She makes Master Imbecile look like me.

Her bottom lip was quivering, giving her the illusion of innocence and purity. "Noishey-chan, what's the matter? You're so cyu-te! (4) I just want to hold you and squeeze you and take you home to love forever and ever!" (5)

But I wasn't fooled by the trick, obviously. "Oh-ho-ho no, no you don't! You're not taking me anywhere! Master Imbecile may have the brain of a semi-evolved ape, but at least he remembers to fill up my food bowl! You'd probably lose it amongst your horde of plushies and ex-pet skeletons!"

"Stop barking, Noishey-chan! You're coming home with me!" With this, she grabbed my collar and began dragging me away.

Complete and utter terror on my part.

But with that terror came a wild adrenaline. I struggled furiously, and suceeded in breaking free of my collar, beating a path into the woods faster than you can say 'Mithos Dennis Yggdrasil the Forty-Second'. (6).

I have made my way back into Iselia Woods, and I believe I have suceeded in locating Master Imbecile and Nerdy Girl. They're… outside the base? That's weird. And… they're talking to an elderly human?

This should prove interesting. I shall report back later, diary, with an update of these events.

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(1) My sources are incessantly trying to convince me that Nerdy Girl is in fact a half-elf boy who has not yet reached puberty. And that his real name is Genis. This is preposterous. What kind of name is Genis?

(2) Basically, she switched roles from mother to mother-in-law.

(3) Forcystus and I never really got along. It all started about 23 years back. I had drank quite a large amount of lemonade, his cannon-arm looked just like a Welgaisa Fire Hydrant… Our friendship had pretty much gone downhill from there.

(4) Pronounced with lisp and all.

(5) She bore a strange resemblance to a character on some kid's cartoon I had once caught Hair Gel watching, but I was too panicked to remember what it was called. Um… Tany Tons? Tooty Towns? Tommy's Tows? Uh…

(6)Which is quite a mouthful. And you wonder why I dubbed him Lord Yggy? I don't even want to go in to Hair Gel's full name.

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Yeah, this is basically the ToS plotline, with Noishe's humorous adventures along the way… Forgive me if I screw anything up, it's been a while since I played the game… Eh heh heh…