We finish preparing dinner around eight with no sign of Sandy or Seth.

I can tell Ryan's tired and he has circles under his eyes so when he falls asleep with his head on my shoulder, I'm careful not to disturb him.

I hear the key in the lock and after a moment, Sandy and Seth walk in. "Hey, guys. How's Kirsten?"

"Better. What's that I smell?" Seth asks.

"Ryan made dinner. Must've worn him out," I answer. He's definitely worn out. He hasn't even stirred from beside me.

"Marissa, I need to talk to Ryan for a few minutes, do you mind going with Seth?"

"Sure." I shake Ryan gently and he smiles at me before registering their presence.

"We have to talk," Sandy says. Ryan nods solemnly and watches me walk away.

I follow Seth up the stairs but he stops at the top and puts his fingers to his lips. I sit beside him and realize that from just the right angle you can see the top of Ryan's head on the couch. And we can hear everything.

"How was she?" Ryan asks.

"Don't ask me that. If you cared, you'd have gone with us…" Sandy fires back.

Seth winces at his father's words, shaking his head.

"How can you say that to me? God, Sandy…I love her…"

"But you won't help her, you won't give her a second chance?"

"That's not what this is about…I couldn't go with you today, it had nothing to do with how I feel about Kirsten…"

"I don't get you, kid…after all that's happened…"

"Fuck you, Sandy."

Seth and I gasp at the same time and cover our mouths.

"I needed some space, all right? I couldn't go today because I'm fucking losing my mind and nobody seems to give a damn and I don't have anything left to give to you, Sandy, I've given everything I have…I can't hold it together anymore, not even for Kirsten and I hate that I have to feel guilty for that…"

"Ryan…" Sandy whispers.

"Stay the hell away from me."

Ryan's head disappears and after a moment, we hear the door to the patio slam shut.

"This is worse than I thought," Seth whispers to me.

I nod. He's fucking right. This is way worse.

I tell Sandy and Seth good night but before I go to my car, I sneak around the side of the house and knock on the poolhouse door. "It's Marissa…"

He opens the door and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. "Did you hear all that?"

"I heard…" Then I see the bag over his arm. "Where are you going?"

"Out. I…I can't be here anymore. I can't deal with Sandy hanging over me…I…I'm sorry that I can't get over this in a timely fashion that suits his schedule…I think I'll get a hotel…"

"Come on. We'll figure something out."

He helped me escape from a hospital before and he needs somebody on his side right now. I know that Sandy's only trying to do his best, but it's not working. My parents are misguided about 95 percent of the time when they're trying to do the right thing. Sandy's parenting is not what he needs right now.

He follows me to the car and soon we are on the highway.

"I know I'm flipping out…I just… you had to shoot him, Marissa…you had to shoot my brother to save my life…I keep putting you in danger, I keep being in danger…"

I pull the car over and lean over to take his hands. He's really broken. I never thought I'd see him like this. Shattered. "Hey. You just need some rest and you can start figuring this out. I don't want you at a hotel."

"Well, I can't stay with you, your mom would have a conniption."

I pull out my phone. "There might be another option." I dial my father's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad."

"Hey, Marissa. What's going on?"

"I was wondering if I could ask you a big favor."

"Name it."

I squeeze Ryan's hand. My dad's always liked Ryan. "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important…but since you're staying with Mom…isn't your boat empty?"

"Yes, but since when do you care about my boat?" he asks, but I can tell he's still smiling.

"A friend needs a place to crash for the night."

"A friend." There's a long pause. "Is Ryan okay?"

"No." I glance at Ryan to see if he's following our conversation.

"Oh. Does Sandy know where he is?"

"No."

"Oh. You're not going to run off with him or elope or anything, are you?"

"No. I promise."

"Okay. The keys under the lantern on deck. Try not to make a mess and call me in the morning."

"What about…"

"I'll handle your mother. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"You're doing it. Thanks." I close the phone and smile at him. "We can stay on my Dad's boat."

"Does he know it's me?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. He trusts me. He trusts me with you," I answer him. He doesn't say anything for a long time and I think I've lost him.

Finally he nods. "Okay. Thanks. Tell him I said thanks."

"I will. Have you ever slept on a boat before?"

"Nope."

I let the car lapse into silence and he leans up to turn on the radio. His hand finds mine again over the gearshift and he squeezes it. "Thanks."

"Any time. But will you do me a favor, though?"

"Sure," he agrees before I tell him what it is.

"Will you call Sandy and tell him you're safe? Please?"

He hedges, lowering his gaze and pulling his hand away. "Marissa…"

"You'd make me do the same thing and my mother's Julie Cooper," I remind him.

He sighs but I can see the smile in his eyes. He holds out his hand and I pass him my phone as I pull back onto the highway. "He probably doesn't even know I'm gone," he mutters.

He covers his face and I watch him furtively as I drive. I can't read him at all. But I think this is Ryan at his core. Usually he's either tough guy Ryan, or saintly-do-gooder Ryan or sheep Ryan, but this…this is a boy I don't know much about. Vulnerable. All his emotions so close to the surface that he can't stop them from bubbling over from the slightest pressure.

"Hey," Ryan says. "I'm…I left."

I can hear Sandy's voice through the tiny speaker but I can't make out his words. I can tell his voice is raised.

"I just wanted to tell you…but I see that it was a bad idea to call…bye…" He closed the phone with a snap and held it clenched in his fist.

I park at the marina and take the bag off his lap. "Come on. Let's get settled in for the night."

"You can stay?"

"I wouldn't leave you all alone, Ryan. Not tonight"

He follows me to the boat and we make our way on board. I find the key and flip on the light on the inside. It's small but there's a large bed and a miniature kitchen and bathroom. It's clean to be a bachelor pad, but my dad always was a little anal.

"Nice. I've never seen this before," he says, following me down.

"I mean, it's tiny, but it's just him so he doesn't need a lot of stuff."

Ryan nods. "I could totally see myself on a boat like this. Sailing off to parts unknown with nothing to do but lie on deck and fish or something…"

I wrap my arms around him. "Hey, if I go with you, we can totally be like Joey and Pacey on Dawson's Creek…"

"Oh, so you watch the Valley and Dawson's Creek?" He grins.

"So?" I lean forward and kiss him hard on the lips.

We kiss for a few minutes, not talking. But I can't let this whole night go by without talking. "Ryan?"

"Hmm?" He starts kissing my neck.

"Can we talk first? Like…try?"

"Okay," he whispers, stepping back.

"No, Ryan, like, don't get upset. I just…you've had a really hard night and I know you need to talk about it." I go to him and take his wrists, pulling him to sit beside me on the bed. "I want us to be together, god, all the time, but it's not going to change the fact that you need to talk. Talk to me."

"About what?"

"Whatever. About Sandy. About Seth. Kirsten, Trey, I don't care, but I heard you talking to Sandy and I know that there's stuff on your mind."

He glares at me but his eyes aren't angry. He clenches his fist and stares at the floor, leaning forward. I put my hand on his back and he's completely tense.

"I can't talk to Sandy. He's expecting me to be able to put on a happy face and visit Kirsten but I can't. He's expecting me to testify against my brother in open court. He's expecting me to be able to call my mother, who's also back in jail, and tell her everything. I…I'm tired. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, how does he expect me to face all these people…"

I wrap my arms around him because I don't want to see him cry. "I'm so sorry…I didn't know…"

"I just want a little bit of time to put my head back together and…he's so pissed at me…I can't deal with it, I can't deal with anything else…"

"Okay, Ryan…you don't have to deal with anything right now. Lie down, I'll put some music on and we can just…relax."

He sighs heavily but starts to unlace his shoes.

The radio comes on immediately, to Newport's only classic rock station. Sadly, I have to leave it because Ryan loves the old shit. Seth and I haven't been able to completely convert him over to the latest music.

"Have I told you how great you are today?" he asks when I turn back to face him.

"I love hearing it again, even if you have," I say, sitting down beside him.

"How are you doing? With…everything?"

He's so caught up in his own stuff but he's still making a point to ask about me. This is why I love him. "I'm actually doing okay. I mean, I have nightmares, but my sister's home and that's…really nice."

"Kaitlyn?"

I nod. "She's grown a lot. It's nice having a little sister again…"

He's smiling. Listening.

"And your mom and dad…that's cool with you?"

"I can't really do anything about it. So I'm going to take it for what it is," I shrug.

"Cool," he replies.

"I'm actually, sort of tired…" I admit.

"God, me, too, the rocking of this boat is like rocking me right to sleep," Ryan laughs.

"I'll leave the radio on. It kind of reminds me of being a little kid and playing with my mom and dad in the backyard."

"Me, too," he grins. Something else we share.

I change into a pair of sweatpants and a tank top and I smile when I see him watching me.

"Guess what?" he says.

"What?"

"I knew I'd be sleeping in a strange place, so I put on underwear."

Oh. He thinks he's funny.

"Stop…no…don't…"

I sit up and blink. The lights are all still on but I'd fallen asleep. Ryan's tangled in the sheets, struggling.

"Ryan, Ryan, wake up…"

He sits up with a jolt as soon as I touch him.

"It was just a bad dream, Ryan…you okay?"

He's breathing hard and it takes a few moments for his face to relax as he gets his bearings. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"Let's get up for a minute, okay? Get some air. It's a little stuffy in here," I say. He nods gratefully and we both get out of bed. He pulls on his jeans and I grab his jacket from his bag. There always seems to be a breeze blowing when I'm on the deck of my dad's boat.

I think we're both surprised when the sun's up.

"I wonder what time it is? I'm not good at telling by the sun unless it's straight up," he smiles.

"I don't know. There's a clock inside." I take a deep breath and he wraps his arms around me.

"Thanks. For this. I don't know what I'd be doing right now if it wasn't for you."

"I'm here for you. You've always been there for me and…I love the fact that you're letting me be here for you now."

He kisses my neck and I close my eyes.

"Does your dad have any food on this boat? You want some breakfast?"

"Let's check it out."

The kitchen's fully stocked but I don't feel like cooking so we turn on the small TV and sit down to enjoy cereal and instant coffee.

"How does he have cable on a boat?" Ryan asks.

"I learned to stop asking questions when I heard the toilet flush for the first time."

He laughs but sobers quickly.

"Can I ask you something and you won't get mad?"

"Sure."

"Why didn't you tell me about Kirsten? About the intervention?"

"There really wasn't time…between the Bait Shop and the whole Trey shit…" he replies. After a moment he adds, "And I didn't know how you'd feel about it."

I nod.

"How do you feel about it?" he asks.

"I…God, Ryan, she crashed her car and it still didn't stop her from drinking…but an intervention?" Having my family and friends corner me and expose all my faults? God, that would be horrifying.

"I didn't even know she had a real problem…she hid it, and when Sandy came to me…he wouldn't go that far if he didn't think it was necessary…I had to support him…"

"She had no right to say what she said, though, but…you know she didn't mean it, right?"

"I don't know anything anymore, Marissa. I really don't."

We sit in silence.

"I've been writing her letters."

"Kirsten?"

"Yeah. When I got back from Chino…Kirsten told me that since Teresa wouldn't take my calls that I should try writing to her. That it was easier for someone to block a number than it would be for them to throw a handwritten letter away."

Teresa. He wrote her letters. God. I'm not touching that right now, but we're going to have to have a little talk once he's feeling better. Letters. He never wrote me letters.

But I never lost his baby.

"So, I've been writing her letters and sending them to the center."

"Did you tell Sandy that?"

"No. It's none of his business. If Kirsten wants to tell him, she can tell him. I mean, he's not telling her about the whole stuff with Trey, so why should I go out of my way to tell him anything? He's using his judgment and I'm using mine," he says quietly. He puts his spoon down. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"Ryan…"

"It's not you, it's me. I feel like I'm contradicting myself with everything I say," he mutters, running a hand through his hair and getting up to wash his bowl.

The boat starts to rock slightly and we hear footsteps on deck.

"Sandy, don't you think you're being too hard on the kid?"

"I know he's in a bad place, Jimmy, but I can't help him if he won't talk to me. I refuse to be punished for misreading him. He's old enough that we should be able to talk out our problems without him being childish and running away to throw a tantrum."

Ryan's whole posture has changed. He's completely shut down. He starts gathering his things and stuffing them in a bag.

I don't say anything. I don't even know what to say.

"I'm certainly not father of the year, Sandy, and I don't know anything about having boys…but don't you think that you should lighten up just a tad? Is punishing him and being a hardass really going to work with Ryan?" My dad asks. They're right outside the door now so even though they've lowered their voices, we can still hear every word.

Ryan zips up his bag and puts it over his shoulder. He sits down beside me again and I take his hand.

"Ryan doesn't really understand anything else," Sandy answers. Ryan flinches.

There's a knock.

Ryan gets up and goes to the door, swinging it open. He doesn't say anything; he doesn't look away from Sandy's face until he squeezes past my dad and up the stairs.

"Ryan, don't you walk away from me!" Sandy calls after a beat.

My dad steps in and gives me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I couldn't lie to him, he was really worried."

"It's okay. But he's wrong. About what Ryan needs right now…"

"I know. But it's not our place to say," he replies. I know he's said it anyway because I heard him talking. I give him a hug and we start to shut the boat down.

As we're closing the door, we both hear Sandy's voice. "Get in the car."

"I'll sit in the back. Do you want to cuff me first?" Ryan snaps.