I debated whether or not to post this, and I'm still not entirely sure I want to but I think I've decided it's no less vulnerable than some of the other Godard stories I've posted over the years, so I'm putting it up for now.
This is something I wrote to process my friend's memorial last month, so it is a bit different to anything I'd normally post- normal service will resume next upload, I promise.
If you're finding the current Josh storyline difficult to watch then please do take a view on whether or not you should be reading this- it does contain some discussion of disordered eating.
I'm putting this up on the off-chance some of the themes I've tried to explore might help someone but I very much wrote it to work through various feelings, so please be kind.
-IseultLaBelle x
In memory of Rachel, who would have absolutely hated my Chloe obsession, but secretly loved that she got an entire oneshot written about her. 1994-2020.
He's out running, when her call comes through.
It's Sunday, and Louis and Kylie have become obsessed of late with the (outdated, in his opinion) concept of Sunday roast dinners, taken over the communal living space of their flat share in the name of peeling potatoes and stabbing garlic cloves into a leg of lamb.
They'll shove a token gesture supermarket nut roast into the oven for him, of course- Josh knows they will- because he's gone pescatarian in a bid to both win over Chloe and calm the chaos inside his head.
He doesn't have the heart to tell them that ASDA's own is exactly the reason so many people are adamant they hate nut roast, that it can't compete with the homemade version he's had round at Ange's.
He wants no part of it.
The Sunday roast, that is, not just the nut roast.
He wants no part of it for reasons he can't bring himself to tell them, because he knows they wouldn't understand.
And so he made his excuses, told Louis and Kylie he had training to do for a half marathon he hasn't even signed up to and slipped out the door.
He plans to be out until they're dishing the leftovers into Tupperware boxes, conveniently leave them to it.
He's eleven kilometres in, circled the hospital twice and trying to decide if he wants to head back through the city centre or take the long way round through the woods to avoid going home a little longer, when the call alert comes through, interrupts his running playlist.
He knows it's her.
He knows it's her, and he'd love to say he knows it because they're just so completely in sync with one another, because he senses it, because she senses when he needs her.
But the truth is, he's given her a personalised ringtone on his phone.
He's got one for her, one for his mum, one for Chloe- even he can't explain why he has one for Chloe, and he'd die of embarrassment if anyone ever found out- and one for everyone else.
That's how he knows it's her.
"Hey. I missed you on Friday," Josh confesses.
The words come tumbling out of his mouth before he's entirely thought it through.
It's true, though.
He did miss her on Friday.
Work wasn't the same without her on Friday, and neither was his Saturday morning off.
It felt… wrong, not spending that time with her.
He made it halfway over to her place with two skinny cappuccinos and an oat milk latte for Chloe after Parkrun yesterday, before he finally remembered she's away this weekend.
It was a bit of a last-minute thing, she said.
She's driven up to Aberdeen with Chloe for the weekend- an eighteen-hour round trip within less than thirty-six hours.
Just the mere thought of spending so much time travelling for such a short period of time back home is utterly non-sensical to Josh- but then he supposes he's no right to judge when he's never moved five hundred miles away from home, from his family, from everything safe and familiar.
He could be wrong, but he gets the impression Ange and Chloe's move out of Scotland may be a relatively recent development in their lives.
And it's not as though enough annual leave to make a proper trip is an option at this time of year in their line of work, let alone in the middle of a pandemic.
Josh almost offered to try and get Friday off himself and split the driving with them, but he decided that might come across just a little desperate and clingy.
But still.
It's true.
He misses her unbearably, and she's barely been gone two days.
"Aww, that's sweet," Ange laughs gently over the phoneline, and it's unbelievably pathetic, he knows it is.
But all of a sudden, Josh feels calmer, more at peace with himself, with the world, with everything, than has in all the time she's been gone. "Do me a favour?"
"Yeah?"
"Talk to me," Ange pleads, and Josh's heart stops.
"You alright?"
He's panicking.
He can't help himself.
He doesn't even wait for her reply before he allows his mind to race twenty steps ahead, because what if she's been caught up in an accident on the motorway, what if she's hurt, what if…
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just bored of this journey already, that's all," Ange complains, and as Josh lets out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding in, he can picture her eying the motorway with the same look of sheer distain and weariness she does the AAU halfway through a nightshift. "My eyes are closing…"
"You need to pull in then, Ange," Josh insists. "You need to pull in, and get yourself some coffee or a Redbull or something, and…"
"No, I'm alright. I'm not that bad," she tells him. "You sound awful, though. Are you…"
"I'm just out for a run, that's all…"
"Oh, sorry," Ange apologises. "Sorry, if you want to go…"
"Nah, I can walk for a bit…"
"It's freezing out…"
"It would be up there…"
"It's freezing in the mornings down there at the moment too, you know what I mean…"
"I'll be alright…"
"Are you sure…"
He rolls his eyes fondly, slows to a walk. "I'm sure. I'll get Louis and Kylie to put the hot water booster on for when I get back…"
"No, you're making me feel guilty now…"
"Don't feel guilty. You want me to keep you company for a bit…"
"Only if you don't mind. Just until I pick up Chloe…"
Her words take him by surprise. "She's not with you?"
"No." The line crackles a little, motorway traffic overpowering her voice for several moments. "No, I'm picking her up in Dundee."
"I thought…"
"I've been at my mum's," Ange explains. "Sorry, I… I probably didn't fill you in properly, did I? I've been at my mum's, Chloe's been with her uni friends in Dundee."
"You drove all the way up to Scotland just to drop Chloe off with her uni friends?" Josh laughs. "Wow. Lucky Chloe. My mum would tell me to slum it on the train…"
"Don't judge me when you don't know the situation, yeah?"
She catches him completely off-guard.
Mere moments ago, she was perfectly relaxed and casual with him, giving him strong sick-of-the-driving vibes but nothing more than that.
But now, all of a sudden, she's hostile.
She… pounces, somehow.
It comes out of nowhere.
It's almost like a warning, mama bear warning off a potential threat that's eying up her cub all wrong.
She turns on him with speed that only a mother defending her choices regarding her baby can muster, apparently misses that he was only teasing her completely, and that worries him.
It worries him because he thought they were past that.
He thought they'd long-established that he'll never pass judgement on her parenting choices, because…
Not because she's his.
That sounds so horribly possessive and cliché and macho-male, and Josh hates it as an expression, refuses to use it.
But he doesn't know how better to put it, and that's close enough to what he means.
She's his girlfriend, and he adores her.
He's just a little bit in awe of her and perhaps that's a slightly unhealthy consequence of their age gap, but Josh doesn't care; it's not exactly as though he can help it.
He'd never judge her parenting choices- not with Dom, and absolutely not when it comes to Chloe.
It's not even that he knows better than to go there- it's more than that.
He simply wouldn't have criticism to give, when it comes to her parenting choices.
He thinks she's an amazing mum.
He can't fault her.
She had Chloe at an age he could barely take care of himself; he took care of his mum, of course, but that's not the same thing.
As far as Josh is concerned, she's done the most incredible job of raising Chloe.
She's brought her up to be unquestionably her daughter, managed to perfectly capture the mother-daughter hierarchy.
Chloe has a respect for her mother, of her authority, that isn't always particularly apparent in former teenage mother-child relationships.
Josh noticed that almost immediately.
Sure he thinks Ange might baby Chloe a little at times, but then he's not a parent himself, so what right does he have to an opinion?
That's how Josh sees it.
He wouldn't even know where to start with being a parent, and so he's certainly not going to criticise Ange's preferred way of doing things.
He'd never criticise her treatment of Chloe, and he thought she knew that.
He thought she knew that.
But now she's jumping down his throat on the basis of a simple, casual joke, and suddenly, Josh isn't so sure.
"I wasn't judging, Ange," Josh tells her calmly. "No judgement from me, alright? I was just teasing. There's nothing wrong with wanting to drive Chloe up to Scotland yourself- and it gave you an excuse to drop in and see your mum, didn't it? So…"
"You are judging," Ange snaps, apparently still on the defensive. "Don't lie, Josh. You absolutely are judging, you're thinking I'm a stupidly overbearing helicopter mother who doesn't know when to back off and…"
"No, I'm not," Josh promises. "I'm not thinking that at all. Honestly, Ange. I'm not. Okay? Chloe's your daughter," he points out, gentle, tries to soothe her. "No one else's. That means it's no one else's business, doesn't it? If Chloe's happy for you to drive her up to Scotland, then why does it matter…"
"Sorry."
She blurts out the apology almost as suddenly as she laid into him in the first place.
"Sorry," she sighs, and Josh doesn't need to see her face to know her cheeks are flushing. "Sorry, I… that was a bit uncalled for, wasn't it…"
"No, you're alright…"
"No, it was. It, was, I… sorry," she whispers. "Sorry. I just… it's not been the best week… that's no excuse for me to take it out on you, I know… I…"
"Hey, you're okay. You want to talk about it?"
"About what?"
"About whatever's happened this week that's clearly unsettled you a bit," Josh tries carefully. "Sometimes it helps to talk about it, doesn't it…"
"You wouldn't get it…"
"Try me."
"No, you wouldn't…"
"Why wouldn't I…"
"Because it's…" Ange trails off, agonises. "It's… I don't know… it's mum stuff…"
"Like, being a mum stuff? Or stuff with your mum…"
"What? No… no, being a mum stuff. Why would you think…"
"I didn't…"
"You asked, though…"
She's back on the defensive again.
She's back to snapping at him, pushing him away, but Josh can't take it personally.
This is what she does when she's struggling, after all.
He's realised that much in the last year.
She doesn't seem to know how to open up to him when she's struggling like this; it takes copious amounts of coaxing and reassurance to get anything out of her.
She's not used to this, Josh suspects.
Most of her adult life it's been just her and Chloe, from what he can gather.
She's not used to having anyone in her life she feels she can open up to, when she needs it- anyone but Chloe.
And so when it's Chloe she's worried about, she bottles it all up- because most of Chloe's life, she's had to.
He needs to help her see that it's different now.
That she has him.
That if she can't talk to Chloe, she can always turn to him.
That he's here, whenever she needs him.
That everyone needs to ask for help sometimes, that leaning on him occasionally isn't a sign of weakness; if anything, it's a strength.
He needs to convince her of that once and for all.
Every time he thinks he's gotten through to her, something like this happens, and Josh realises he's no further forward with convincing her to let him support her when she needs it after all.
"What do you mean?" Josh asks patiently. "I suggested you might mean your mum, is that what you mean? Because I wasn't implying anything…"
"Yes, you were…"
"I wasn't, Ange. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mum," he points out simply. "Do I? But I know my mum and I don't always see eye-to-eye. We get along pretty well most of the time, but she has her moments, you know? She drives me a bit mad when she's adamant she knows what's best for me, and I'm adamant she's wrong…"
"What, like she's adamant you're wasting the best years of your life with me…"
"Hey, she's come round to the idea of us a bit," Josh reassures her. Gingerly, muscles already stiffening up with the lactic acid build-up, he eases himself down onto the park bench at the side of the footpath, accepts his workout is over- for now, at least. "She just needs time, that's all. It's not what she had in mind for me, that's all. She just needs a little more time, and then she'll be sold. She just needs to realise no one else could ever make me happy like you do. But yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I mean. Just that… sometimes we argue the most with the people closest to us, don't we? And, well… I don't know what it's like to be a parent," he babbles, apparently resorting to talking at her aimlessly in his latest attempt to get through to her. "You're right, that's something I wouldn't understand. I'll always try to- of course I will. But I can't… I don't know what I'm… I can't instantly relate to anything being a parent, I guess that's what I mean. But mum stuff of the bit of a disagreement with your mum variety is something I absolutely can relate to. So if you mean that… are you laughing at me?"
She giggles on the other end of the phone, snorts loudly, as though she's trying to stop herself. "No."
"You are…"
"Alright, I am. Only because you're sweet, though," she teases. "Thank you. I… yeah, it's… I mean mum stuff of the agonising worry over my darling daughter variety…"
"You want to talk about it?" Josh offers.
Perhaps he's a little too quick to coax her again, but he can't help himself.
She's stressed out.
She's… not anxious, exactly.
But stressed out, absolutely.
She's stressed out about something- something to do with Chloe, they seem to have established.
That figures.
She's usually pretty calm under pressure, but Chloe is where she tends to crumble.
He should have known it would be about Chloe, Josh realises, kicking himself.
She's not being all defensive with him over her decision to drive all the way up to Scotland and back in a weekend just to chauffer Chloe to see her med school friends because she's convinced herself he's judging her.
She's reacting like this because she's worried about her baby.
"It's…" Ange sighs weakly. "It's hard to explain…"
"I've got time."
"I'm just going to…" she falters. "I don't know. I'm going to explain it really badly, and you'll think I'm even more ridiculous than you probably already do…"
"I don't think you're ridiculous, Ange…"
"You will when I tell you why I'm upset," she insists. "Or… upset isn't really the right word. Just… it's no one's fault. Well, not really. It's just a… not even awkward, I don't know what I'm trying to say…"
"How about you just tell me?"
"You'll think I'm too emotionally involved in my daughter's life…"
"Ange," Josh interrupts her gently. "Ange, in the nicest possible way. How about you stop worrying about what I mightthink, and just tell me, yeah? I'm not going to judge, alright? I promise. I think it's sweet."
"What?" He can practically hear her frowning, puzzlement in her tone.
"Your relationship with Chloe," he elaborates simply. "How close you two are. I think it's sweet."
She pauses. "Awww."
"You going to tell me what's worrying you?"
Ange inhales sharply, shudders. "Chloe's… Chloe… she's been at her med school friend's memorial service this weekend," she blurts out at last.
"Shit," Josh exclaims, before he can help himself. "Shit, I'm so sorry…"
He probably shouldn't have sworn, with the benefit of hindsight.
He never swears.
He never normally swears, but in that moment, somehow it's the only response he can muster.
"It's awful, isn't it?" Ange agonises. "It's so, so awful. It… it was last year. She was assigned to a covid ward, when the pandemic started. She came down with it herself within the first few weeks, and she just…" her voice trembles. "Sorry…"
"Ange," says Josh firmly. "Ange, you've got nothing to apologise for…"
"That's why I got Chloe transferred down to AAU, until Darwin opened up for electives again," Ange confesses quietly. "Well, part of it. I just… it was such a shock, you know? She was healthy, no underlying conditions- she was the same age as Chloe, for god's sake…"
"That must have been terrifying."
"It was worse for Chloe," Ange insists. "I didn't really know her. I met her a handful of times over the years, sure, but she was Chloe's friend. They were pretty close through med school, so it… well, understandably, it freaked Chloe out. She was adamant she wasn't going to let it affect her, but she's high risk, so…"
"I didn't know that."
"That Chloe's high risk?"
"Yeah."
"It's not…" Ange pauses. "I don't know. She didn't get a shielding letter or anything- I probably shouldn't be calling her that, to be honest. She's not high risk officially. She was… it's complicated. She was… premature, her lungs didn't develop properly… she never completely caught up, in a lot of ways. I mean… she did, of course she did. But her lungs have always been weak, so I just… I wasn't taking any chances," she says simply. "I figured AAU would be a safer environment for her. Plus… you know. I could keep an eye on her, couldn't I? Anyway, that's… sorry. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent…"
"You're okay," Josh murmurs. "You're okay, take your time…"
"It hit Chloe pretty hard," Ange confesses quietly. "Understandably so- this was one of her best friends all through med school, it was… it was such a shock. It's just so young, isn't it? You don't expect to lose your friends at her age- not for a long… I don't need to tell you that, do I?" she realises. "Sorry…"
"Stop apologising," says Josh firmly. "That… that must have been awful. I'm so sorry. Is Chloe… is she still struggling with…"
"… Yeah," Ange whispers. "Yeah, she's… I think it's the covid effect, isn't it?" she sighs. 'I don't think she's really been able to process it properly… it was a covid funeral, you know? Six people only, or whatever the rules were back at the start. So the family organised a memorial this weekend- it would have been Rachel's thirty-first birthday… I know. I know, that really brings it home, doesn't it? It feels like Chloe only just turned thirty-one. She died before Chloe even turned thirty, actually. God… I hadn't thought of it like that… Anyway. So Chloe wanted to go to that. The original plan was she was going to take the train up- you know what she's like when she gets going on her eco-warrior soapbox. She was… there was a wee group of them who were friends through med school, her, Rachel, and about five or six others… sorry, you don't care…"
"I do."
"No, you don't…"
"Ange," Josh tells her firmly. "Ange, I care, alright? Chloe's important to you, so she's important to me, too. Of course I care."
"You don't care about all the tiny details, though," Ange protests. "You don't care about the friends Chloe had in med school, or…"
"Yes I do. You were saying," Josh tries to prompt her. "Chloe's at her friend Rachel's memorial…"
"… Yeah. Yeah, Chloe's been at Rachel's memorial. She thought the rest of her friends from med school were all going to go, too- I offered to go with her, you see," Ange explains. "I didn't like the idea of her going on her own, because she's upset, of course she is. I knew she was going to be upset, I didn't want her there by herself… these things are awful at the best of times, but they're even worse when you don't know anyone there, aren't they? So I offered to go with her. But she insisted she'd be fine because she'd be there with her med school friends…"
"This isn't Mean Girls, only the grown adult medics who should know better, is it?" Suddenly, Josh has a horrible feeling he knows where this is going.
"No," Ange assures him. "No, it's… well. No, it's not like that. She's… she's just been left out of their plans a bit, that's all," she sighs. "I know, I know that sounds pathetic. She's an adult, she's above taking it all personally. I'mabove taking it all personally on her behalf, for god's sake, she's not my baby anymore. And she's not… it's not that she's upset. She's just… I don't know. Sorry, I'm not making sense. She's just been left out of the others' plans. That's all it is. She was under the impression the group of them were going to book into the same hotel, then it turned out the rest of them had already booked without her. They'd made plans for today- you know, to make a weekend of it. I think they're going go karting, she said. I know. I know, that was my reaction a bit too, when she told me. Just at first. But they're trying to make it more of a celebration of Rachel's life than a solemn occasion, I think. I don't know. Anyway, that's what's happening. It's a tiny hotel, it's all booked, out…"
"That's completely shit of them," Josh interrupts before he can help himself. "So they've… Chloe doesn't know anyone else going…"
"Nope."
"But they've all made plans without her? That's fucking awful…"
"No, it's not. Chloe doesn't seem to think it's deliberately thoughtless…"
"Chloe's too nice for her own good, then…"
"Oh, I'm with you on that. I'm with you on that, but in all fairness, I… I don't know if this was malicious," Ange offers charitably. "Chloe doesn't think it was. The rest of them all worked with Rachel in Edinburgh- that's where they went to med school. Chloe's the only one who moved away- so you can see what's happened, can't you? They've all been talking about it at work- understandably, really. It's been the same at Holby, hasn't it? Everyone we've lost this year, it's… it's been different. So I can completely see how it happened. They've all been talking about the memorial at work, they've planned it together- I think there are a couple of their work friends Chloe doesn't know going along, too. They've planned it together as Rachel's work friends and they've just not realised she wouldn't know anyone else there and she was counting on having them to… you know. Be with, I guess. It's not really the kind of thing you go to looking to make friends, is it? They've just not thought of it from Chloe's perspective, that's all. I get it. More importantly, Chloe gets it. She said it was all perfectly fine, when she saw them at the memorial yesterday. She didn't get the impression they didn't want to spend time with her, or anything like that. I don't think she's all that upset over it, actually. Well, she is. But she's more upset about Rachel, and she's convinced they didn't mean anything by it. It's just one of those things, isn't it? It's not great from her perspective, but she… I don't know. She wasn't part of that world, was she?"
"She went to med school with them…"
"I know, but they've all moved on since then, haven't they? I don't know... people do. People move on, things change... that's just life, isn't it? It's inevitable. Chloe said she absolutely didn't want me going with her, but she… I don't know. I didn't really like the idea of her travelling up there on her own to stay in a hotel on her own, not for that. Not when she was going to be upset. So I told her I was thinking of going to see her nana that weekend anyway, and I think she knew I was lying, but she didn't call me out on it…"
"So you've dropped everything for an impromptu trip up to see your mum as an excuse to drive Chloe to the memorial and back?" Josh surmises.
"…. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much."
"You're an amazing mum."
"I try. Anyway. She stayed over in a hotel last night- the whole thing didn't start until the evening, it made more sense," Ange explains. "So she's checking out… what time is it?"
"Five to eleven."
"In five minutes, then. And hopefully, I'm going to get there right on time to pick her up and take her out for brunch… I think she probably hasn't been down for breakfast by herself. I don't know what I'm going to do with her…"
"Food can be… a tricky one," Josh agrees carefully. "Especially in those situations…"
He's not sure what makes him say it.
Silence.
"Yeah," Ange sighs quietly at last. "Yeah, that's… that's one way of putting it. But it's fine. She's glad she went, she says. And she's found a veggie breakfast place she likes the look of round the corner from her hotel. So I'm going to pick her up and we're going to head there. It's probably for the best, to be honest. I don't like the idea of Chloe go karting anyway…"
"You know it's pretty safe, right?"
"I don't care. If she got flung out of one of those things…"
"I don't think that…"
"I still don't care. I'm glad she's not go karting. I wish she wasn't upset, I wish she'd felt a bit more… I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. But I'm glad she's not go karting. Anyway. I'm going to go get her, take her out for brunch, try and get her to talk about anything she needs to get off her chest. Reassure her a bit. She had a bit of a… thing, after Rachel died. About me catching covid, and… you know. She's convinced herself I'm high risk because I have the odd cigarette, the number of times she's made me quit in the last…"
"And you got through how many, at the firework display the other weekend…"
"Oh, don't," Ange groans. "I know. I know, don't go there. I really need to quit again, she's going to start smelling it on me. She did smell it on me the other day, I had to make up a load of rubbish about going out on break with that new locum…"
"That's terrible."
"I know. I know, but there's no point her working herself into a state again, is there? Especially not after this weekend," Ange sighs. "They weren't even particularly close- not really. Not in the last few years, at least. But it just seemed to hit her so hard… and this weekend is bound to have brought it all up again, isn't it…"
"She'll be alright, Ange," Josh murmurs. "She's got you. She's got an amazing mum she clearly feels comfortable opening up to. She'll be alright."
Ange sighs weakly. "Yeah. Yeah… I… I hope so. Anyway, I… I'm just parking up outside her hotel…"
"Go," Josh tells her. "Go on. Go and give Chloe a hug…"
"You sure you don't mind? I haven't even asked you how your weekend's been…"
"It's fine. It's fine, Ange," Josh promises. "Honestly. Everything's fine here. I'm fine. Just a quiet weekend, really. Go and be with Chloe…"
"Are you sure…"
"Go."
"Alright. Alright, I'll catch up with you later, yeah? I love you."
"Love you too."
The line goes dead, and Josh is alone again.