Disclaimers: I do not own them. I only Rent them. They belong to the late great Jonathan Larson!
Confessions of a Drag Queen.
I have never been the accusing type. But then when you have a guy like Collins how could not be. I mean he is such a great guy. He had never given me a reason to doubt him. Never. Then why? Why did I push him away that night that got me here? In the Hospital.
Hate, hurt, jealousy, anger, alones, everything and more. Why? Why did I do that? He was always so good to me. Too good to me. He would work late night and early mornings so that I had money to blow, to pay rent, food, AZT, everything that I could not afford. The days he would be off he would spend them with me, for me. Things like cooking for me, taking me out and showing me off, hell he even tagged along with me for a few shopping trips with Mimi and Maureen, just to spend the day with me, but no matter what that ill lurking of another man or woman kept on coming to my mind. But never, not once did I tell him how I felt.
When the summer came the felling went. I knew that he had felt bad and he made it a point to spend every waking moment with me. The very few times that he would not be with me he had always found a way to make it up to me. Like he would always leave some sort of flower on my pillow in the morning when he was going to spend the day with Roger and Mark. One time he even made me this really tacky, unflattering, green and pink skirt. I had not the heart to tell him that it was ugly, he just looked too happy. As the summer when on our relationship had gotten better but with every good thing comes a bad, I began to get sick more often.
When the summer ended, the feelings came back. He picked up a second job to pay for all the medication and hospital visits and that meant that he would be home less. For the first time in our relationship we had begun to fight. I do not think that it would be considered fighting, it was more like I yelled and he took it. The basetrd took it! But the night that had got me here was by far the worst.
I had spent the day in bed sick. I knew that it was going to be a long day for him but that did not take away from me feeling pissed. He had come home late that night and never came to the room to me. I waited. I waited for him to come to the room, to talk, about his day. I need him to be with me, so that I could tell him how much I hated him for not being home and so that I could accuse him of cheating. I knew he was in the apartment because I could her him, his cough, sigh, shuffling papers, walking, and even his yawns. I hated him at that moment. I got up and with some sort of force threw him against the wall. I began to yell. About cheating, never being home, hate, hurt, jealousy, everything. Then when I got tired and collapsed he knelt down and held me. He told me that he was sorry and that he should have been home more often. Everything that I wanted to hear. But at that moment I did not. I hit him, punched him, kicked him, bit him, anything to get him to feel physically how I felt mentally, emotionally.
Then I got up and ran. I ran I the rain, in my pajamas, no coat, no shoes, no shirt, and for the first time this year no Collins. All I had was pants, socks, and hate. I spent the night with the poor for the first time since I had moved here. I did not go back to him. How could I? After the way that I had treated him? If anything I did not deserve him. I had accused him of all the suspicions that I felt and never once questioned him. NEVER!
I was on the street for a total of two nights when I had saw the last person that I had ever wanted to see.
"Angel?"
It was Joanne. It is not that I like her but I just hate for people to see me so...helpless. Joanne took me to her apartment and got me back to health, or at least did the best she could. I had a fever that could not go down and I felt ice cold to touch. Finally one day against my wanting she called Collins to come and get me. I was so weak that I could not even get off the spare bed. I did not want to see him, but when he came through the door for the first time I felt like my 'Angel' came through the door.
For the rest of that day, week, even month, was all a blur. All I know is that he never left my side. No matter how much I or the doctors would tell him to leave and tell him that visiting hours are over he would not leave.
This is the first time that he has left me. This side is a side that I had hoped that I would not have to show anyone. A side that no one not even Collins has seen of me.
Welcome to the Confessions of a Drag Queen!