Sho hated Valentine's Day.
"Happy Valentine!"
Which was a problem since Little Sis loved.
"Here's a Happy Valentine for you!" shouted Little Sis as she shoved another piece of paper in front of him. He looked up from his sketchbook and pulled it close to his chest. The last thing he needed was for her to see what he had been working on. It was almost her birthday, he didn't have time to start on another present for her. If she spoiled her present now then he was fucked…even more fucked than he was now.
Which was a lot considering what day it was.
"Sho, I think your sister has something for you." Said Fukuda. Sho rolled his eyes. Yeah, he knew that she had something for him. She always had something for him. She had been drawing stuff for him all day. Mostly big red splotches that she called hearts. She was kind of getting better, but she didn't have his art genes. Not that he minded her big, red splotches. Not that he could ever mind anything that she had drawn for him.
It wasn't her that he minded, he just minded this day.
"Yeah, Fukuda, I can see." Said Sho, rolling his eyes. Little Sis rolled her eyes too even though she didn't have any reason to. She could be kind of a copycat sometimes. Sho hoped that she didn't end up copying any of the other things that he did. He sucked. He really sucked. He just…sucked. More than sucked…..
He couldn't wait for this day to be over.
"Sho can see! Over here!" said Mukai
"Yeah Mukai, I can see. You did good. I'm going to put this in the stack with the others, ok?" asked Sho. Mukai nodded.
"Ok Sho. In the stack." Said Mukai. She took the drawing and put it in the stack with the others. She nodded when she was done, happy that she'd done a good job. She always did a good job, even when she didn't. Like when she tried to Big Sis do the laundry so she put a bar of soap in the washing machine. Or the time she tried to help Shibata make breakfast so she dumped a glass of water into the waffle mix. Or the time she tried to help Serizawa in Mario Kart but she wound up going backwards around the track. She tried, though, that was what mattered. It was enough to try to be a good person…well she was already a good person…
He had no idea where she had gotten it from.
She had a mom, that must have been where she had gotten it from. She came from Dad like he came from Dad but she didn't have Dad's asshole genes. She didn't know how to be an asshole because she was nothing like Dad…or him. Even now she was nice even though he'd been a jerk all day. He just…he just wanted this day to be over…but nothing could make it end faster. He wished that he could have been more like Mukai. She was always happy. She didn't know how to be anything other than happy, no matter what happened to her. Even though Dad had left her for his emergency mission in Japan, and Dad was one of her favorite people, she was still happy. She was still drawing hearts, that didn't look like hearts, and she was still wishing him a Happy Valentine's Day…
He wished that he could have been two, not her.
"Chocolate for me?" asked Mukai as she picked up his box of chocolate. Big Sis had made him that, she'd made chocolate for everyone. That was just what girls did for boys on Valentine's Day. Sisters and…and girlfriends. His girlfriend might have gotten him something for Valentine's Day, he didn't know. He hadn't asked her. He had been avoiding her. She had been calling and calling, and texting and texting, and emailing and emailing….Sho wouldn't have been surprised if she had sent some of those message birds after him.
He didn't want to hear it.
He didn't want to hear about how she missed him, about how he had been an asshole to her, about how he was the worst boyfriend in the entire world. He had promised to love her and take care of her and all of that stuff when he'd asked her to marry him…and he'd broken that promise. He was a promise breaker. He was the worst kind of person in the world and…and the least he could do was let his Little Sister have his chocolates.
At least he could make one girl happy on Valentine's Day.
"Yeah, you can have them but don't tell your mom. Tsuchiya's weird about you having candy." Said Sho. Mukai took his box of chocolates and ran to the corner of the room. She sat in the corner and ate them one by one like a raccoon almost, like the time he and Shimazaki had fed bread to that raccoon and then she ran away and took the bread to her babies. That was the only reason they came out during the day, when they were looking for food for their babies. They had been so little and cute and stuff…and Shimazaki had thought that they had been kittens. Raccoons were cuter than kittens, or maybe just the babies were cuter…
He wondered if there were any raccoons in Shanghai.
Raccoons or birds or cats or…or something else that he and Shimazaki could have fed and picked up and chased…stuff that they used to do when he was a kid. He wished that he could have been that little again, back before he had stuff to worry about and pragmatic choices to make. Back before girlfriends and saving the world and taking down Dad. Not back when he'd been in love with Shimazaki…well he had been in love with Shimazaki from the day he'd met him….alright, if he could have gone back in time and been a kid again but not in love with Shimazaki then that was what he would have done.
It would have been easier.
He could have lived through all the good times all over again, and he could have savored them too. He knew what was coming, what his life was going to be like, and that just made him appreciate the good times even more. If this was how it ended…or wound up. Things would get better maybe when he took Dad down. There was no way to go back after all, no way to become a little kid again, so…so maybe he needed to focus on the future. About how great thing would be once all of this was over. About how after he took Dad down and destroyed Claw then…then he could have had a good Valentine's Day…the kind he wanted…
With the person he loved.
Or at least liked a whole lot. Love was different than liking someone a whole lot. He didn't know if he loved Ritsu or liked him or…or he didn't even know. He liked Ritsu and he wanted to be with him and once everything was over then he and Ritsu could share chocolates and hold hands and kiss and do date stuff…he had no idea what kind of date stuff Ritsu would have wanted to do. He knew what Emmy would have wanted to do today…
She liked going to the park.
If he had been on a date with Emmy first he would have taken her to the park. He would have pushed her on the swing like you were supposed to do with girls and then he would have helped her climb a tree and then they could have looked at birds or….or whatever else was living in the tree. Then he would have taken her to dinner, one of those nice places you were supposed to take girls. Like one of those places where they had people playing violins and the waiter had a towel on his arm and was rude to you and stuff. Then he would have taken her to the M&M's store if she wanted to go, or another candy store since she liked candy a lot. Then he would have kissed her. She would have had candy for him but she wouldn't have taken him on a date since in her country Valentine's Day was for boys and girls, not just boys. They didn't have a White Day in her country but he would have gotten her something once White Day came around.
Not that it would have made up for being such a terrible boyfriend.
He was a terrible boyfriend to her and he was a terrible boyfriend to Ritsu. He didn't know what kind of candy Ritsu liked, what kinds of date places he wanted go to, or even…anything. He didn't know a lot about Ritsu…but that wasn't his fault. If he had been an orphan, if Dad had died all those times people shot at him and sent him bombs and stuff, then he would have had time to get to know Ritsu and be a better boyfriend to him. If only Dad had died or…or if only Big Sis knew how to listen. When he told her to cover for him then she should have covered for him instead of…of….
Fukuda was looking at him.
"What?" asked Sho, meaner than he had wanted to sound. Mukai was listening. He had to teach her to be nice. She was nice now but she had half of Dad in her, her blood was the same blood that Dad had, and Dad had jerk blood. Sho had jerk blood too. He had to make sure not to act like a jerk in front of her or else she would have grown up to be a jerk too…and that was the last thing that he wanted.
"Do you want to talk about it? I know that this is a hard time for you-" said Fukuda
"A hard time! A hard time!" shouted Mukai
"It's not a hard time. I'm fine." Muttered Sho
"Sho, if you want to talk-" said Fukuda
"I know, I know. If I want to talk about it then you're here. You've been saying that for my whole life, I get it." Said Sho
"Well I was just making sure-" said Fukuda
"There's nothing to make sure about! I get it, I suck as a boyfriend and as a person!" said Sho
"No Sho, you don't suck! No sucking! No sucking, Sho!" said Mukai. She stood up and she was waving her finger back and forth. Fukuda smiled and shook his head. Sho smiled too. Even though he felt like shit he still smiled. She was cute like that, cute and nice. She only thought that he didn't suck because she was too little to know any better. Once she got older and learned about love and pragmatic choices and how much guys could suck….
If any guy treater her the way Sho treated Emmy then…well Sho could have to beat him up, maybe even bad enough to kill him.
"Thanks…but I do. You're just too little to realize it." Said Sho
"No! I'm not little! I'm Mukai!" said Mukai
"Yes you are, you're not little at all. You're very big and you're right, your brother doesn't suck. He's a good person and we're both very proud to have him in our lives." Said Fukuda
"I'm proud! I'm proud! Hey ham-hams! Hey meow-meow! I'm proud!" shouted Mukai as she ran over to the cat. The cat hissed and ran away. She chased it. Sho let her. She was going to cry more if he stopped her than she would have if the cat scratched her. She would have gotten mad at him if he stopped her, actually, and the last thing that he needed was to make another person mad at him. Sometimes he felt like everyone in the whole world was mad at him, like they just looked at him and knew that he sucked and then…and then they were mad at him and…and he knew that he was being dumb about this but he couldn't stop it.
His brain hated him.
"See? Your sister is proud of you and I'm proud of you." Said Fukuda
"For what? What could you guys possibly be proud of me for?" asked Sho
"For being a good person." Said Fukuda. Sho bit his tongue. He wasn't a good person. He wasn't going to be a good person until he got rid of all the bad stuff that Dad did.
"I'm not." Said Sho
"Don't say that. You're a good person, Sho, and you're brave too. You're brave enough to do all of this." said Fukuda. He had his own stack of drawings in front of him. These were Sho's. Different kinds of battle plans and strategies and stuff. He was just holding it up like-like-like it was nothing! Like he was just holding up a normal drawing!
Moron!
Sho got up and jumped right across the room. He used his powers to help him. He jumped until he was right next to Fukuda. He ripped the drawing from Fukuda's had and stuffed it down under the stack. He loved Little Sis, he loved her just as much as he loved Big Sis, but he also trusted her as much as he trusted Big Sis. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about anything and she was loyal to Dad, too. If she knew what he was planning then he might as well have confessed to Dad and gone over the whole plan! Well…he didn't really have a good plan yet but….but if Dad found out then he was NEVER going to come up with a good plan!
Also he'd be dead, too, that would really hurt the whole 'stopping Dad' thing.
"Do you have brain worms or something!?" asked Sho
"So we're back on the brain worms thing?" asked Fukuda
"Yeah! If you have them, which you probably do! How could you do that? What if Baby Sis had seen? And then she told Dad?!" asked Sho
"Your sister can't read and your Dad is out of the country." Said Fukuda
"I know that Dad's on a secret mission and I know that Mukai can't read but…but it's mostly in pictures and Dad's coming back and-and be careful! You want to end up in a traitor hole!?" asked Sho
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Nobody's going to end up in a traitor hole and your sister isn't even laying attention. I think she's hunting the cat down right now." Said Fukuda
"She knows more than you think she does. She's always spying on people and stuff….because she's little. I used to do that too…so don't be mad at her." Said Sho
"I'm not angry at her, Sho, nobody's angry at her…or at you. The only person who's mad at you right now is you and I know that you don't want to talk about it but sometimes…sometimes it's best to talk about it even when you don't feel like it. Trust me, you don't want to sit on these things for twenty, thirty, forty years. They're going to come out eventually and, honestly, it's better to deal with these things sooner rather than later…so please, tell me what's bothering you." Said Fukuda
"…nothing's bothering me…" said Sho
"Are you sure? Is it your sister and Shimazaki? Because she shouldn't be-" said Fukuda
"What….what? No, it has nothing to do with her! Why do you always have to blame Big Sis for everything?" asked Sho
"I'm not blaming her. I'm just…worried. You and her have had your differences when it comes to certain things…and certain people. Like Shimazaki. I know how much it hurts for you to see the man you love-" said Fukuda
"I'm not in love with him anymore, I told you. I'm in love or…or like…or whatever with Ritsu. He's my boyfriend and…and I'm such a bad boyfriend! I suck! I suck dick in a public bathroom like an out of work businessman-" said Sho
"Sho! You had better not be! You're twelve years old, Sho, you shouldn't even be thinking about doing things like that!" said Fukuda. He covered his mouth and shook his head. What was he so upset about? Did he actually think that Sho wanted to….what the fuck was the matter with him!?
"What? No, gross! That's just something you say when something sucks a lot. Obviously I don't actually want to do…gross!" said Sho. Sometimes he wondered if Fukuda really did have brain worms. How else would he have thought that Sho, or anyone, would have wanted to suck another guy's dick? In a public bathroom for ten yen coins or otherwise….gross….
"Alright then, I was just worried for a second." Said Fukuda. He laughed and rubbed the back of his head. Sho didn't see what was so funny about what he'd just thought about. Either adults were weird or Fukuda was weird…or maybe Sho was the weird one for thinking that Fukuda was weird. What did he know about being normal? He'd never been normal for one day in his life.
"Well don't worry. I'm never doing anything that gross…and maybe you do have brain worms or something. Normal people don't think about gross stuff like that…I mean…not normal people like people without powers but…but you know what I mean!" said Sho
"Ok, alright, calm down. I take back what I said. You were just hyperbolizing, that's all." said Fukuda
"Yeah…I was doing that thing." Said Sho. He really needed to do his vocabulary homework….but to be fair Tsuchiya gave him way too much to do. Big Sis had never once given him that much work…she was nice to him like that…even if she didn't know the meaning of the words 'cover for me'….she was the one who needed the vocabulary homework, not him….
"You don't suck, by the way, and it hurts me when you say that you do. I have no idea why you would-" said Fukuda
"Because I just do, ok?! I'm a bad boyfriend! I'm a bad boyfriend to Emmy and to Ritsu and-and-and I hate today and I want it to be over! When I grow up and I rule the world then I'm going to get rid of this holiday forever and replace it with-with-with another Christmas!" said Sho. He didn't mean it, he didn't think that he was actually going to grow up to rule the world. He couldn't inherit Claw from Dad if there wasn't a Claw to inherit.
"Sho…you don't mean that. You don't actually want to rule the world…you're not…you're not like that." Said Fukuda
"Yeah, I'm not. I know that I'm not going to rule the world but-but I still hate today! I hate it and I want this whole thing to…to be over…and it has nothing to do with Big Sis or Shimazaki or anyone else. It has to do with me. It has to do with…with how much I suck. I hurt Emmy and…and I hurt Ritsu, probably, since I haven't seen him in so long…or maybe I'm the one who's hurt…I don't know. I just want today to be over but…but it doesn't even matter. Today or tomorrow or the next day…I'm still going to be here and Ritsu's still going to be there and….and Emmy's still going to be in love with me and I'm still going to hurt her…." said Sho. He wiped his eyes with his sleeves. Fukuda tried to help, he pulled the sleeve of his sweater down and tried to dry Sho's eyes. He didn't let him. He didn't need help.
"I'm not a baby." Said Sho
"I never said that you were. I was just trying to help-" said Fukuda
"I don't need help!" said Sho
"I…I know. That doesn't mean that I don't want to help you. I love you, Sho, you know that." Said Fukuda
"If you want to help then…then…I don't know. There's no way you can help. Unless you can break up with Emmy for me, and in a way that won't make her cry, then…then you can't help." Said Sho. Fukuda sighed and held his head in his hands. Sho didn't know what he was so upset about. Yeah, hearing about Sho's life sucked, but Sho was the one who had to live it. What was Fukuda so worked up over?
"We could…..we could tell her that you died. How about that?" asked Fukuda, finally. That was it? After all of that time THIS was what Fukuda came up with? This was why Sho had to be in charge of all the planning. There was no way Emmy was going to believe that Sho had died, not without seeing his body or whatever. What if she asked to go to the funeral, what then? Or what if she found one of Big Sis's online things she was always doing, with the pictures, and messaged her there saying that she was sorry Sho had died. Then what? Fukuda wasn't a planner, he didn't think things through, and anyway that was the coward's way out. Emmy would have cried if Sho broke up with her but she would have cried even more if she thought that Sho died….
She was probably crying right now.
Her boyfriend, the guy she thought that she was going to marry, had ghosted her. That was…Sho knew that if Ritsu had done that to him…he would have been sad. He would have been crying. He would have been a complete mess…more than he was now. Sho was being an asshole, which he was used to, but he was also being a coward. That was worse. The worst thing that a person could possibly be was a coward and…and Sho….
He was a lot of things, but a coward wasn't one of them….
"I'm not doing that." Said Sho. He wasn't Dad. Dad would have had someone else do his dirty work for him. He called it delegating. Sho didn't care what Dad called it, he wasn't going to be doing it, so Dad could have called it whatever he wanted. Fuck Dad. Fuck Dad and what he wanted and thought and did. Sho was his own person, his own man, and he was going to do what was right. He was more than Dad's blood, the blood he had running though his veins. He had his own blood and right now that blood wanted to do the right thing for once in his life!
"But-" said Fukuda, getting ready to start another argument. Sho wanted to kick his ass across the living room. He wanted to use his powers to put him through a wall. He wanted to take his sketchbook and hit him over the head until he got a lump. He didn't, though, because Little Sis was around. He wasn't going to teach her that, the wrong thing, only the right thing…for once.
"I'm going to….I'm going to break up with her. It's like…like a pragmatic choice. I only started going out with her because she liked me and I needed a girlfriend so Dad wouldn't know that I was gay. Well now he knows…he says that the most I can be is bi but he doesn't get to tell me what to do….and there's no reason to still have her as a girlfriend. I don't care if the only time Dad was actually proud of me was when I told him that I was going to as Emmy to marry me. I don't care what he thinks at all anymore. I have to do the right thing…I can't be a coward about this." said Sho. Fukuda bit his lip like he was going to say something….and that was fine. He could argue with Sho until he turned blue and passed out. It didn't matter.
Sho knew what he had to do.
"Sho…listen. I think-" said Fukuda. He said it like he was whining. He whined too much. If he had something to say then he should have just come out and said it already! Shimazaki always said that a man got shit done. A man didn't whine, he did what he had to do, and then when it was done he got drunk and celebrated a job well done. Sho didn't want to get drunk, he always got all pukey when he drank, but he did want all of this to be over with…and he wanted Fukuda to stop with all the whining too!
"What? You're going to tell me that it's a bad idea? You're going to tell me that it's he wrong kind of pragmatic choice? You're going to tell me that I'm fucking everything up and that I need to pretend to be who Dad wants me to be so I can be safe or whatever? Well fuck that! I'd rather Dad beat me up so bad that I died than-than live like he wants me to! It's not fair and-and-and-and-" said Sho
"No. Sho…what I was going to say is that I'm here for you no matter what you decide. I know you, Sho, and I know that you hate hurting people. You made a mistake with her, that's true, and it's…it's brave that you're fixing it…alright? I just want you to know that I'm here for you." Said Fukuda
"Oh…ok. Whatever…" said Sho. This had been Fukuda's idea, right? Him going out with Emmy…right? But it was his idea to marry her so….so it was actually not Fukuda's idea at all? Sho didn't know…it was a lot to remember and…and he didn't have space in his brain to think about this. He had to break up with Emmy.
So that was what he did.
He took his phone out of his pocket.
Fukuda was looking at him now…why did he have to look? Didn't he have other things to do right now? Baby Sis was in the kitchen banging pots and pans together. She was freaking the hamsters and the cat out, Fukuda should have done something about it. The movie on the TV, another one of Baby Sis's picks, had gone to the credits. Shouldn't he have been putting a new one on? Big Sis hadn't made him any chocolates for Valentine's Day, shouldn't he have been thinking up new mean things so say about her? How was Sho supposed to call Emmy, now, and break up with her?
He didn't call her.
He couldn't call her with Fukuda there, he decided, it had nothing to do with how scared he was. It had everything to do with how private this was, that was it. Fukuda would have overheard the whole thing. That would have been weird. Sho didn't need to break up with an audience. He just….texting was better, anyway. Only old people actually dialed numbers and stuff. Even Shimazaki texted, well he told his phone what to text, but it was pretty much the same thing. Yeah, texting was better….easier…and more private.
So that was what he did.
'Dear Emmy. I'm breaking up with you. You're a really great girl and you're pretty and good at kissing but I'm gay. I don't like girls and I'm sorry I lied to you. You don't have to forgive me. Also you can keep the ring and sell it along with any other gifts I gave you. -Suzuki Sho'
"There." said Sho as he hit send. He turned his phone off and put it in his pocket. He knew that she was going to call and ask him what was the matter with him. It might have still be Valentine's Day in her country, he didn't know exactly, he couldn't look it up since his phone was off and he couldn't ask Hatori either since Dad had taken him with on the secret mission. He wouldn't have been able to ask even if Dad had left Hatori behind since he lived with Serizawa now in their own apartment. Sho would have had to leave and…and that didn't sound too bad right now…
Fukuda was still looking at him.
The couch was too small, the apartment was too small, everything was just…too small. Too crowed. Too many people. He'd been in here for so long that…that he needed air. He needed all the air in the world. He just…he had to go…but he had no reason to go. He wasn't Mukai, he didn't have a big schedule with bath time and bed time and stuff to keep but…but she did and…well he had no idea what time it was, his phone was off and Fukuda had one of those weird clocks with hands on his wall, but…but it must have been time for her to do something…right? Tsuchiya and Shibata must have had something planned for her…right?
Probably.
"I have to go now. Baby Sis has stuff to do…Baby Sis stuff so…so goodbye. Come on, Baby Sis, we're going!" said Sho. Fukuda tried to get him to stay. Mukai tried to get him to think that she wasn't baby. He tried to leave. In the end he was the one who was victorious. If this had been a videogame then he would have gotten an achievement or something…but this wasn't a videogame, it was real life, and it sucked dick. It sucked more dick than two out of work businessmen in a public bathroom during whatever was a bigger week than Golden Week….but at least it wouldn't suck anymore. As much as it hurt to have hurt Emmy he couldn't shake the feeling that he had done something good…something that he should have done a while ago.
He still hated Valentine's Day, of course, but maybe next year he would hate it a little less. Next year he would only be hurting one person, not two.