For those of you who complain about the speed up the updates for this story, do you have any idea how difficult this is? Would you rather I just throw something together and hope that it's funny? Do you want to be subjected to lowbrow and substandard (i.e. below my usual standard which compared to most comedians is already sub-par) comedy? Hmm? Is that what you want? Is it? Answer me you curs! (foams at the mouth)
Department of Weird Shit: We apologize for the authoress' lack of self-control. The only explanation we can offer for this is her frustration at going to a job she hates every single day and being subjected to the stupidity that is paperwork.
The Shinobi's Guide to Drama
By Kaori
It's the big day and all of Konoha is abuzz with excitement. Villagers were lined up in the bright morning sun to try and catch a glimpse of the Daimyo and his entourage. Shinobi were mixed in with the crowd to ensure nobody did anything untoward.
In the middle of the village, last minute preparations were being made. The play would be put on after the feast and followed by a fireworks display.
"I can't believe we're missing the parade." Grumbled Ino. "Why can't we go and watch?"
"We have to guard the stage." Shrugged TenTen. "The play is our responsibility so we have to make sure nobody plants anything funny in the area that might kill the Daimyo."
"If that's the case we should be guarding the fireworks." Huffed Kiba. "If I were an assassin that's where I'd go."
"Kakashi-sensei and Asuma-sensei are guarding the fireworks." Said Sakura. "We'd have nothing to do."
"Feh, like we're doing anything important now."
"Calm down Kiba, it's only until the parade is over. After that, I heard some musicians will be using the stage until it's time for us to go on." Shikamaru said.
"I hear we can't go to the feast either." Whined Chouji. "No genins allowed."
"What!" exclaimed Naruto, Ino, Sakura, and Kiba.
"Relax you guys, we're just not allowed into the main dining hall." TenTen said.
"Neji and Sasuke get to go into the main dining hall. Where all the good deserts are…" Grumbled Kiba. Causing everyone else to glare at them.
"It's not our fault the Hokage wants to show off." Muttered Sasuke. "Besides, you forget that Shikamaru gets to go in there too." Glares (with the exception of Chouji) were directed at everyone's favorite lazy chuunin.
"I'll bring you some desert, Chouji." Shikamaru said.
"What about me!" screeched Ino.
"What about you?"
The beatdown that occurred following that statement was foreshadowing of the spousal abuse in store for the poor unfortunate soul who marries Ino.
Several hours later…
The crowd gathered in the square with full stomachs and high expectations. Seating was tight and those who were fortunate enough to have homes and businesses nearby sold seats on their balconies and roofs. Windows were thrown open by those who had the luxury of watching from their bedrooms. It was to be a performance no one would forget quickly.
Kiba and Akamaru peeked through the curtain, earning Kiba a kick in the pants courtesy of Ino. "Quit it, we're going to be starting soon."
Tsunade stood in the middle of the stage looking very pleased with herself. Everything was going as planned thus far. "Honored guests, citizens of Konoha, and our most esteemed Daimyo we present for your entertainment: The March of Leaves! A play written, directed, and performed by some of our young ninjas!" Squeals of "Sasuke! Marry me!" erupted from somewhere in the cheap seats. Tsunade made a mental note to have restraining orders written up for those girls. Honestly, it was getting to be too much. Shaking her head and wondering if she was ever that silly when she was their age, the Godaime made her way off the stage and took her seat on the Daimyo's right in the front row.
As the curtain rose, the audience was treated to a mock-up of the area outside of the Hokage Tower. Sasuke (as a young Orochimaru) was standing in the middle of the stage looking at himself in a hand mirror.
"Why is it, that I who is the greatest genius in the history of the village and by far the most good-looking shinobi to grace the world must suffer these fools?" Sasuke/Orochimaru (authoress let's out the "Kukuku" she has been holding in for the last two days) said to the mirror. "But soon they will learn… Kukukuku. Oh yes…they will all learn, starting with that pretty-boy wannabe Arashi." At this point, Naruto (as a young Jiraiya) walked in from stage left wearing the traditional pimp hat (i.e. a purple fedora with a yellow band and long, black and white feather).
"Yo, Orochimaru!" Naruto/Jiraiya leered. "I have the latest issue of Cans and Jugs wanna see?" He held up the magazine which had a picture of an old milk can on the front, the headline reading "Discerning Collectors' Number One Favorite". "Or if that's not your bag, I've got Hooters, too." He held up a magazine with a horned owl on the front. Sasuke/Orochimaru never once looked away from his mirror.
"Jiraiya it's so sad that you indulge in these puerile games for the sole purpose of trying to get me to help you buy pornographic magazines." Said Sasuke. Naruto, looked annoyed.
"One of these days, Orochimaru I'll be making stuff that'll put all those magazines to shame, and then that stupid girl in the bookstore will beg me to come to her shop!"
"No, I think she'd still kick you out."
"You're just jealous because everyone in the village knows you're a nancy boy." This made Sasuke put away the mirror.
"What did you call me pervert?"
"You heard me fruit basket!"
The two get into a sissy fight (i.e. ineffectually slapping at each other in an overly effeminate manner with their eyes closed). Sakura/Tsunade finally makes her appearance from stage right. She puts her hands on her hips and sighs.
"Dammit, every day it's the same thing." She walks over to the two boys, watches them for a few more seconds, and then bitch slaps them clear across the stage.
The curtain closed for a few moments, and then opened again. The scenery was changed to the area where Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Orochimaru had their battle. Some struts were set up in the stage painted like Manda and Gamabunta.
Naruto, standing up on top of the Gamabunta mock-up, pointed at Sasuke who stood with his hands at his sides on the other strut. "We meet again Orochimaru."
"Kukuku, indeed." Sasuke cocked his head to one side. "And I see you're still a sorry excuse for a shinobi."
"At least I don't obsess over little boys." Shot back Naruto.
"What did you say, you lecher?"
"You're a fine one to talk, pedophile!"
"Gamabunta" and "Manda" move towards each other (pushed by Chouji and Kiba underneath), Naruto and Sasuke shouting battle cries and when they meet in the middle of the stage…
"That's not what happened!" yelled Jiraiya from the audience as the two got into another sissy fight (this time Sasuke was swinging his arms hoping to get "Jiraiya" in the face).
"Ssh!" said the person sitting next to him.
"Oh hell no!" Sakura yelled from offstage, and she came flying in (on a wire) and drop-kicked the both of them offstage.
The curtain closed and Hinata walked across carrying a sign that read "Prediction for the Future" and the curtain opened showing a mock-up of the Ninja Retirement Home.
Sasuke and Naruto were sitting hunched over in wheelchairs.
"Eehh…Orochimaru." Croaked Naruto. "Why you look so glum? Is it because they won't let you near the little genin boys when they come here for community service?"
"Sniping at me because the nurse slapped you for flipping up her skirt?" Spat Sasuke.
"Child molester!"
"Womaniser!" Yet another sissy fight erupted.
Sakura/Tsunade, looking pretty much the same but walking with a cane, hobbled over to the duo and thwacked them upside the head with the walking stick. The curtain closed again and out came Shikamaru.
"End of Act One." He yawned. "So troublesome." A cane came out from behind the curtain and smacked him. "Ow!" He went offstage, presumably to get revenge.
The Daimyo laughed heartily as Tsunade clutched the arms of her chair in embarrassment. "Oh that was wonderful, I can't wait to see the rest." He laughed.
"Really, Your Excellency?" Mumbled Tsunade.
"Oh yes. This is most enjoyable."
And this is only the first act. Who is up next for humiliation and… are those black and red cloaks I see in the audience? And who's that miffed-looking woman in the fourth row?