Hey you, hey you. Finally you get it. The world ain't fair. Eat you if you let it… Damn it, that song's been stuck in my head for a week now.
The
Shinobi's Guide to Drama
By Kaori
As the curtain opened for the second act, a small boy was desperately trying to calm down the woman sitting next to him. Or so it appeared…
"Please Orochimaru-sama, you're making a scene." Hissed the "little boy", who is really Kabuto in a henge. "It's only a play!"
"I'll teach them to make light of me!" the snake-sannin seethed (ha, try saying that five times fast). Kabuto was going to say that they seem to be doing a good job of it already but thought better of it. He didn't want to be a guinea pig for another one of Orochimaru's experiments again. The last time it took him a month to stop lisping.
Hinata walked across the stage and bowed to the audience. "Act Two." She bowed again and exited the stage.
On the stage, Kiba (as Asuma) was sitting in seiza position (kneeling with your tows touching each other and your hands placed on your thighs) before TenTen (as Great Aunt Hachiko) who had a hookah in her mouth and was using it to blow bubbles.
"Tetsuya, my favourite nephew…" croaked TenTen.
"I'm Asuma, auntie." Kiba said. TenTen squinted at him.
"Oh yeah. How could I have confused you two, Tetsuya's better looking." She took a deep breath and blew out a stream of bubbles. "It must be my glaucoma."
"But auntie, you're only near-sighted. You don't have glaucoma." TenTen made a face.
"Divine Retribution no Jutsu." A washtub fell from the rigging and landed on Kiba's head.
"Ow!"
"Now what have we learned?" TenTen said, in that annoying voice adults use when they punish small children.
"Washtubs hurt like hell." Moaned Kiba.
"Meh, close enough. Tetsuya…"
"Asuma." Corrected Kiba. TenTen ignored him.
"…you're a chuunin now and with that comes a test. So it is written in the Sarutobi family scroll that 'any male member of the family who has attained the rank of chuunin must take the Trial by Water.'"
"Don't you mean 'Trial by Fire?'"
"Who do you think we are? The Uchiha Clan? Divine Retribution no Justsu." Another washtub fell on Kiba's head.
"Ow!"
"Pay attention boy." TenTen reached behind her and took out an exaggerated bong. "Behold! The Ceremonial Bong!" Ino and Sakura stepped out from both sides of the stage.
"Aaaaaaaaa!" they sang and ducked back offstage. Kiba looked around stupidly.
"This bong has been in our family for generations. Even longer than the accursed, possessed bra in the Hyuuga Mansion!"
"Who told them about the Accursed Possessed Bra?" Hiashi blurted out, causing various incredulous looks from the audience. In the wings, Neji sneezed.
"As per tradition, you must drink of the water." TenTen took out a small cup and poured the "bong water" into it. She then handed it to Kiba who eyed it warily. "Well, what are you waiting for? Drink up."
Kiba took one last look at the full cup before hastily downing the contents. "ACK. YECH! BLECK!" he complained rolling around on the ground. He flopped around like a fish out of water for a few minutes and then went perfectly still.
"Is he dead?" blinked TenTen. "I didn't think he'd actually do it.. Oh well, one less idiot in the family." Kiba suddenly sat up. "Gah! Zombie!" She looked like she was about to use Divine Retribution no Jutsu again, when Kiba jumped up and glomped her. "Erk!"
"I love you." He did a fairly decent imitation of a stoner's smile before rushing offstage.
The curtain closed on the stunned-looking TenTen. When it reopened, Shikamaru (Kakashi), Shino (Ibiki), Ino (Anko), and Naruto (Genma) were standing around looking like they were waiting for something.
"I'm so freaking bored." Ino moaned. "If that old man doesn't show up and give us our assignment I'm leaving to get dango."
"Maybe he's in a meeting." Shrugged Naruto.
Suddenly, Kiba/Asuma streaked across the stage in a pair of lime green boxer shorts.
"What the hell…" Shino started to say, but was cut of when Kiba raced back across the stage, glomped him, and exited stage left.
This continued for a while with Kiba glomping everyone at least four times. Every time one of them tried to stop him, he'd glomp somebody else. Asuma, mortified, was attempting the ancient technique of Blending with the Furniture no Jutsu; it wasn't working.
"Is that why you suddenly turned Gai on us that day?" blinked Kakashi. "Boy were you stupid. What kind of idiot drinks bong water?"
"Seriously." Kurenai drawled, then she scowled. "That may explain why Anko doesn't like you."
"Nah, Anko doesn't like Asuma because he used to steal her dango."
Elsewhere in the audience…
"As amusing as this is, I thought we came here to capture the jinchuuriki?" Kisama mumbled. Itachi tipped his head to the side.
"I only said that so the leader would let us come here. I just wanted to see the play."
"Dammit, Itachi you pick the oddest times to be sentimental…"
Well, that's the second act. Just three more acts to go, but will they be able to last that long with Akatsuki and Orochimaru lurking in the audience and a pissed off Hokage? We'll soon see.