I am the Borg-again Christian. Resistance to my sermon is futile. You will be baptized. Your dogma is irrelevant.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama
By Kaori

There was a brief intermission before the third act so that people could go stretch their legs, relieve themselves, or attempt to kill the actors. Jiraiya was trying to get at one in particular and wasn't having much luck. For the Daimyo's safety nobody except the actors and the Hokage herself were allowed to go backstage, and the only reason she wasn't is because it's bad form to kill children in front of your client during his birthday party (unless he asks you to or they are threatening his life then it's okay). Orochimaru continued to mutter ineffectual curses and swearing revenge and Tsunade did her damndest to regain her composure.

Knowing full well they were in for it once the Daimyo was gone but silently agreeing not to panic until the final curtain call (ooh, morbid theatre references).

"Jiraiya-sama is still prowling around the perimeter." Yawned Shikamaru. "Yare-yare…"

"I'll get rid of him." muttered Naruto, creating a quick kage bunshin. "You know what to do." The bunshin nodded and ran off.

"What are you…" Ino started to ask but was cut off when Naruto held up a finger.

"Just wait. Five…four…three…two…"

"EEEK!" a high-pitched voice screeched. "A PERVERT! HELP! RAPE! RAPE!"

"What! Wait! No! It wasn't me!" protested Jiraiya. Several women yelled "get him" and the next sound heard was stamping feet and pained screams.

"That takes care of him for a while." Naruto smirked.

"He's going to kill you when he wakes up." Kiba said mildly.

"He's going to kill all of us regardless." Countered the jinchuuriki.

"I thought we agreed we weren't going to bring that up."

"Oops. Sorry."

The audience settled back in for act three.

Shikamaru/Kakashi was sitting in a chair reading Icha Icha Paradise. It wasn't the actual book thank goodness, just the slipcover (Shikamaru as actually reading Treasure Island but what the audience doesn't know will embarrass Kakashi). In a great stretch of character, the chuunin managed to giggle perversely. The "tranquillity" of the scene was interrupted by someone clearing their throat, Shikamaru/Kakashi looked up from the book to see Chouji/Sarutobi looking down at him.

"Kakashi…" Chouji/Sarutobi said. "what have I told you about taking my books without asking?"

"…You told me not to."

"Then why is it, that I find you here reading my copy of Icha Icha Paradise?"

"Well, the bookstore owner won't sell me one because he says I'm too young to be reading. You won't let me borrow them and you've told me not to steal them so…" Shikamaru/Kakashi turned the page. "I got Genma to steal it for me." Chouji/Sarutobi smacked his forehead.

"Must you always find loopholes in everything?"

"I just looked underneath the underneath, Hokage-sama."

"Grr… my book if you please." Shikamaru/Kakashi sighed and handed over the book. "Thank you."

"Is that all, Hokage-sama?"

"For now, yes." Chouji/Sarutobi turned around and opened the book. Perverted giggling ensued as he walked offstage. Shikamaru/Kakashi watched him go and then sighed.

"Now what am I going to do?"

"Dynamic Entry!"

"What the hell…" Shikamaru/Kakashi wasn't able to finish that sentence as Naruto/Gai's foot came down on his head.

"Oh no! In my youthful exuberance I didn't check to see if someone was in here!" wailed Naruto/Gai. "Hey, you? Are you okay? Oh for the love of youth! I have killed him!"

"…ow. What hit me?"

"You're alive! Your blazing aura of youth must have protected you!"

"Huh? Did you say something?" Shikamaru/Kakashi blinked, looking mildly concussed.

"Ooh! What a modern response! It's so cool and yet, for some reason, it pisses me off!" Naruto/Gai had his left hand in a fist and looked like he was either going to burst into song or soil himself. Fortunately for everyone, neither happened.

"Whatever…"

"A person who can shrug off my latest super taijutsu attack must be strong! What is your name?"

"Hatake Kakashi."

"Ooh the infamous son of Konoha's White Fang! The prodigy who acquired the touted sharingan! I finally meet you! I am Maito Gai and I challenge you!" A background of waves crashing suddenly popped up behind Naruto/Gai.

"What in the scary hell…" blinked Shikamaru/Kakahsi.

"Do you accept?"

Shikamaru/Kakashi looked like he was thinking it over.

"Fine, but I choose the challenge."

"Yosh! Bring it on!"

"All right…" Shikamaru/Kakshi reached behind the chair he was sitting in and pulled out a banjo.

In the audience, Kurenai and Asuma simultaneously whapped their foreheads.

"Tell me you didn't..." moaned Kurenai.

"Okay. We didn't." shrugged Kakashi.

"Liar." Grunted Asuma.

"Duelling Banjos it is Kakashi!" Naruto/Gai pulled out a banjo of his own. Lord only knows from where though.

The musical number that followed was accentuated by various jutsus and ridiculously complicated taijutsu techniques. The audience was enthralled. And then…came the finale…

"What the fuck is going on in here?" screamed Ino/Anko surveying the destruction of the set. "What the fuck have you idiots been doing? I was having a nice nap next door and you idiots have to ruin it!"

"Ummm… Gai you win. See ya…" and Shikamaru/Kakashi ran off the stage leaving Naruto/Gai to face the wrath of Ino/Anko. The current closed on them and all you could hear was screaming and several things being thrown.

"We've been rivals ever since." Kakashi muttered.

"Kakashi you…" Kurenai started to say, but was shushed by the person behind her (who just happened to be Itachi).

The curtains were drawn back for the opening of act four. The set was a mock up of the outside of the dojo at the Uchiha mansion. Sasuke (as his younger self) was practicing his shuriken throwing. Several of his fangirls squealed, a chorus of "SShhh" erupted from the rest of the audience.

While Sasuke is practicing we hear the following dialogue, assumedly coming from inside the dojo.

"We cannot continue on like this Misao. They will find us out eventually." A deep male voice said.

"I don't care Jun!" a female, most likely Misao cried. "I love you and only you! I would rather die than live without you!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued throwing shuriken.

"But, what about…"

"I already said I don't care!" Somebody started sniffling.

In the audience, Itachi was twitching. Kisame looked over at his partner and wondered if he should ask the lady in the seat next to him if he could exchange seats.

On the stage, Sasuke cocked his head to the side. The sniffling stopped abruptly. He shrugged his shoulders and went back to practicing.

"Misao!"

"Jun!"

"sniff So beautiful…sniff sniff"

Sasuke almost tripped at that last line. Itachi looked like he wanted to yell something. The sound of running footsteps…

"Jun! You bastard! How dare you touch my woman!"

"Ah! Kojiro!"

"Misao get away from him!"

"NO! I love him!"

"But you are betrothed to me!"

"I will never marry you!"

"You must!"

"Leave her alone, Kojiro! If you touch her I'll kill you myself!"

"Try it!" Clang! Clang! Crash! Slash! Scream.

"Noooooo!" Sasuke couldn't take it any longer, he opened the dojo door, he gasped at the sight.

In the mock-up dojo sitting in front of a television and biting a handkerchief was Neji (as Itachi).

"A…aniki?" stuttered Sasuke.

"Don't look at me!" cried Neji/Itachi, who ran off in a way that would make any soap opera star proud.

Kisame looked over at his partner. Itachi was sitting stock still in his seat, no emotion whatsoever on his face.

"Er…Itachi…" ventured the former mist-nin.

"He dies Kisame." Itachi deadpanned.

"I didn't realize…that you watched The Young and the Shuriken-less…"

"They all die…"

"Oh boy…"

In the front row, the Daimyo laughed.

Well now, it would seem that the actors have pissed off yet another dangerous person.