I Didn't Mean It
It's a dark place, no life, laughter or love. It's a place where only sorrow can reside and pain makes its home. It's a place also known as my heart.
I didn't mean it. I swear, I didn't mean it. If only I knew it would be the last…the last thing I ever said…to her. It wouldn't have been that.
It would have been, you're the love of my life, the only one for me, my heart and soul. I was made to love you and I can think of no higher purpose for which to dedicate my life. If I lived a thousand lifetimes and experienced a thousand wondrous things, none could compare to your flawless beauty. Or I would have said something equally Hallmark sickly-sweet that people say when words seem to fall short of expressing how much they care.
But no, it was that, the words that will forever hold the depths of my pain, "if that's the way you feel then maybe we shouldn't be together anymore." I didn't mean it. No way could I ever have meant it. She was everything that I wasn't, she was everything I needed, and I let her go.
She…died, with those being the last words she ever heard come from my lips, accompanied by the sight of my back as I stormed out of her office before I went to gear up for the rescue mission.
I didn't know, I swear. Can I cling to the vain hope that she knew…she knew I didn't mean it? Do I deserve that hope? How is it supposed to keep me warm at night or keep the darkness from closing in when the pain gets too much?
She's gone with those words as my final goodbye, a lasting legacy. She may know what was in my heart, she may know everything that I could never find the words to express…but she may not. How am I supposed to know what she knew then or now, wherever she is? Am I even making sense anymore? Does any of this? I don't think so, on either count, but what am I supposed to do? Can I move on? If it were even possible, would I want or even deserve to?
No. I want to go back. I want to make this right. I want to save her. If I can't do that then I want to say the sickly-sweet Hallmark sentiments because I know she'd smile at them. If I can't do that…if I can't do any of that, then I want to go back and say nothing at all, because I didn't mean it, I swear…I didn't mean a word.