That had been the most amazing thing that Mob had ever felt in her life…and it could never happen again.
That had been a bad idea. She knew that it was a bad idea. She knew as soon as it was done, as soon as Shimazaki told her that he was too tired to keep going, as soon as he laid down next to her and wrapped his arms around her and held her close. As soon as the world had stopped being made of love. As soon as she opened her eyes and saw the damage that she had done. The world was telling her in so many ways that this had been a bad idea.
It should have warned her sooner.
The sky was turning blue. The sun was rising, she could see it through the window. She needed to go home. Right now. She needed to move but she couldn't. Shimazaki was still holding onto her. They were laying sideways, now, his arms around her chest and his legs tangled in hers. She didn't know if he was asleep or not. She hadn't been able to sleep. She had barely been able to close her eyes. She just…she needed to move. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go home.
But she couldn't.
This was all her fault. She shouldn't have done this. She shouldn't have wanted to do this in the first place or thought about it or liked it or…or…Minegishi was going to be so mad at her! It was one thing to kiss their boyfriend but to do THIS with him…and they had gotten so mad at her the last time…but they had also forgiven her…but this was unforgivable. Right? She didn't know. Minegishi knew that she was Shimazaki's girlfriend and that he liked her but…but she couldn't see how they could have been ok with the love of her life doing this with their best friend. They were going to be so mad when they found out or…or if they found out or…or…Mob didn't know what would happen in the future. She didn't even know what was going to happen when the sun finished coming up.
She just knew that she had to get out. Now.
Mob tried so squirm her way out of Shimazaki's arms. He was so strong…and sticky. So was she. It felt weird, where her skin peeled away from his. This whole thing felt so weird she just…she had to just live with. The feel of their skin coming apart, of them coming apart, after they'd been so close together…she had never been that close to another person before, even Teru. The whole thing had lasted ten seconds with Teru and it hadn't felt like anything other than weirdness. Before it felt like…well there hadn't been any weirdness in the moment but now it was like…like all the weirdest weirdness had been waiting in the corner for her to be done and now it was hanging out telling her how weird this was and how badly she'd messed up and-
-and how she kept on messing up.
"Mob? What're you….where're you going?" asked Shimazaki, his voice all gravelly. She felt his arms tighten around her…he was trying to get her to lay back down…but she wasn't dressed. She wasn't wearing anything and she knew that he couldn't sense it but he could feel it and…and he wasn't wearing anything and…clothes! They both needed clothes. Clothes…clothes would make this whole thing a lot less weird…maybe. She didn't know for sure. She didn't know anything for sure aside from the fact that she had to get out of here and…and something that she would figure out later.
"I'm not going anywhere." Said Mob. She could feel him breathing. His chest was still against her back. He was there and he was awake and she was…she was there too and this whole thing was…was happening. She needed to calm down and just…think. She needed to think…about something other than him.
She didn't look down.
If she looked down then she would have thought about his arm and if she thought about his arm then she would have remembered the part where his arms had been at either side of her head and she'd turned her head to the side and kissed his wrist because she felt like she had to do something and then…and then other things happened that…that she wasn't going to think about right now. That he couldn't think about either…what was he thinking about? What was happening in his head…was he guilty too? Did he feel bad for…well he wouldn't have felt bad, he wouldn't have had any reason to feel bad. Shimazaki was himself, he never felt guilty, and he didn't really have a reason to either since Minegishi had said that this was ok…even though it didn't feel ok. Not really.
"Then why are you getting up?" asked Shimazaki
"I-I'm naked…clothes. I need clothes." Said Mob. Shimazaki yawned and let her go. She slid off the bed before he could change his mind. She felt weird as she stood up. Not like it hurt but more like it was…there? Like she couldn't ignore it anymore….not that she had been ignoring it but…but now it was like it was there and it was making her think about it and….
Mob looked for her clothes.
She heard the bed groan behind her. She didn't look. She found one of her socks and her undershirt…she needed her underwear too….and she needed her shirt and her skirt. She had no idea where anything was. The room was a mess. There was plaster everywhere from the ceiling, she had done that, and snacks from where the tiny fridge had broken….pieces of furniture….
Another thing that she had messed up.
She dug through pieces of a chair for her skirt. She got dressed as fast as she could. She just needed enough clothes to not be naked anymore. She couldn't be naked anymore. Not with him in the same room…even though it was crazy. She was being crazy. She had done all the things but now she was freaking out because she couldn't find her shirt? She just…her head hurt. She couldn't think. Not with all of this moving around…she was moving around and he was moving around. He was getting his own clothes on…ok, it was over…
It had to be over. It didn't matter how she felt…not that she felt any other way….she couldn't.
"What time's it?" asked Shimazaki Mob risked a glance at him. He was real…well of course he was real. He was real and she was real and this was real…this was something that was really happening. Everything was something that was really happening.
"Um…I don't know. Early. The sun…it's coming up." Said Mob. She pointed to the window…that had been kind of dumb. She couldn't think right now. Her head felt real…too real. Everything felt too real. Her head, the rest of her, Shimazaki, this room, this window…it felt real. Not good, just…just real…much too real. She wanted to go back to the way things had been last night. It had been like a dream, but she was awake, but also the world was love and loving and just…perfect. Everything had been perfect…but now it wasn't.
Now it was real…and nothing that was real was perfect.
"You sleep at all?" asked Shimazaki
"No. Did you?" asked Mob
"A little, mostly out of sheer exhaustion. You really did a number on me, Mob." Said Shimazaki. He turned around and showed her his back…oh. She had done that. Another way she'd messed up. Not only had she hurt Minegishi but she'd hurt him, too, and all he'd wanted to do was make her feel good….she was the worst person in the whole world.
"I'm sorry." said Mob softly. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Shimazaki handed her something red…oh. His shirt.
"Yeah, you're going to feel like shit for a while." Said Shimazaki
"Because I hurt Minegishi?" asked Mob
"How'd you hurt Toshi? You're not the one who left the butcher's knife blade out in the silverware drawer were you? Because that would have been funny if it had happened to anyone else but Toshi isn't anyone else." Said Shimazaki
"No, not because of that….I didn't do that. I mean I think that I hurt Minegishi by doing…all the things….with you. You're their boyfriend and they love you and they're my best friend-" said Mob
"Why the fuck are you worried about that? Toshi knows that I'm into you and they know me, too. They don't mind. They told me not to sleep with you when you were twelve and I didn't. So, really, Toshi's fine. Actually give me my phone. I can call them right now and, yeah they're going to be pissed that I woke them, but-" said Shimazaki
"You-you're phone is dead and so is mine." Said Mob. That was the very LAST thing she ever could have wanted. Calling Minegishi and telling them…no way. Besides, they knew. Shimazaki said that they knew and…and they were ok with it…so why couldn't she be ok with it too? Why….why did it have to be nice. If it hadn't been nice then she could have just pretended that it never happened and…and she wouldn't have felt guilty…like she had taken something from Minegishi. Why did she even feel like this? It made no sense and also a lot of sense….her head hurt. It felt like her brain was too big for her skull…she needed to lay down.
In her own bed.
So she lied. She lied to someone who had done nothing but try and make her happy…to make her feel good…he had done nothing but try to make her happy and she had lied to him…but she needed to lay down in her own bed. That would have helped a lot, she decided. Maybe if she went to bed and woke up later in the day this would all have just been a really weird dream…or maybe not. Maybe she just would have felt better…
Maybe that was all that she could ask for right now.
"Fuck. Any chargers in here?" asked Shimazaki
"Um…no….so we should go home and…and charge our phones and try to sleep. But don't try and call Minegishi. I believe you so we don't have to call them or talk about this with them." Said Mob
"Good idea. We both need to sleep before we get any more fucked up than we are now." Said Shimazaki
"I…I came down already…but if you haven't then…then we could…." Said Mob as she handed him back his shirt. He put it back on…of course he had. What had she been thinking? Even for a second…she shouldn't have been thinking about him like that. It had happened and now it was over…it had to be. Minegishi would have…they wouldn't have cared, he had said, but she cared. She had hurt them and…and….and he said that she hadn't but if she hadn't hurt them then why did she feel like this?
"Me too, but that's not the kind of fucked up I'm talking about. You pretty much dumped all the chemicals in your brain that make you happy and now, unless you want to go some really dark places, we need sleep. We need to sleep through the worst of this." said Shimazaki
"But I can't sleep." Said Mob. She didn't know how she could ever have slept again. Not after she knew what all of…all of it felt like…and with her friend. He had been her friend before anything else. She remembered back when they hung out and it was just hanging out, when they smoked and it was just smoking, when he held her and it was just holding her. Now everything was all…boyfriend and girlfriend…and there was no pretending that it wasn't. Before, when he had only been kissing her, it had been a lot easier to pretend. Now…now that she knew what it felt like…what he felt like….what all of it felt like….
She was never going to be able to go to sleep again.
"That's why we're going to raid Toshi's stash, and before you say anything I know that they won't mind that either. It's for the greater good or whatever. Toshi cares about you more than anyone else in the world, maybe even me, and I know they wouldn't want you to come down from this on your own." said Shimazaki. He held out his hand. She took it. She took it even though she knew that Minegishi, well she thought that Minegishi, well she got the feeling that Minegishi would have been mad at her. This was still their boyfriend and…and Mob had no right to….she just…
She didn't know.
She didn't know what Minegishi would say or do. She couldn't think right now. She couldn't think about what Minegishi what say or do or think or... anything. She didn't know what she would say or do or think. She didn't know what she was supposed to say or do or think. She knew that she was supposed to regret this, and she did regret this, but she also knew that she didn't regret this enough. Good memories... Weird memories... Just all of this...
She needed to go home.
So that was what happened. She went home. she was taken home. In one second she went from the hotel room to….a room that was not hers. Shimazaki's room. Minegishi's room. Their room….she was in their room. She felt like she was doing something wrong just standing there. She felt like she was going to get yelled at or…or something. That Minegishi was going to pop out from under the bed and tell her that because Mob knew what having sex with Shimazaki felt like now they couldn't be friends and then Minegishi would leave her and this was all her fault for being selfish and all her fault for being…for being the way she was. Maybe Dad had been right. Maybe there was just something wrong with Mob as a person…maybe she was just destined to be terrible…
But she didn't want to be…but that wasn't how these things worked.
"Ok you get a bar…half a bar. Half is good. The last thing I need is for you to go to sleep and never wake up…that would devastate me, actually." Said Shimazaki as he broke one of Minegishi's mints in half. He handed her half and a bottle of soda that had been on the table. Orange soda…Minegishi liked orange soda when they were high…Mob couldn't take their soda. What if they died of thirst? Or what if….it wasn't even a 'what if' thing. She just didn't want to take anything else from them.
She swallowed the pill half on her own.
It felt like it didn't want to go down her throat. How did Minegishi DO this all the time? She forced it down…she should have taken this from their mint tin, she wasn't eight anymore she knew better, but…but she wanted to feel better. She was going to the dark place that Shimazaki warned her about…but maybe she belonged there. She had done…but how could something that felt good be bad? It could be weird….and it had been. Now that she looked at him in the light of day….this was Shimazaki. Her friend. They person who…who chewed on candles and tossed empty pudding cups everywhere and had a playlist that was just two songs over and over again….this was one of the first friends that she had ever met…and she had done all the things with him. Not only that but….but she wanted to…she had wanted to then and…and now….
She didn't know what she wanted.
"Thank you." Said Mob as she finished swallowing.
"You didn't have to dry swallow that, you know. I mean I know that this is probably flat…damn it. I should have gotten you some milk or something you liked…I'm useless. I'm completely fucking useless…" said Shimazaki. He sat on the bed and held his head in his hands…Mob didn't know what to do. She wanted to go btu she didn't want him to be sad, either. She wanted…she wanted him to be happy. She wanted all of her friends to be happy…
She sat down next to him.
"Shimazaki? I mean…Ryou? Is this the bad place that you were talking about?" asked Mob. Shimazaki lifted his head and nodded. She didn't know what to do. She knew what he was feeling but…but she knew what she was feeling too. She didn't know if she had enough room inside of herself for his feelings too…but she had to be there for him. He needed her. He was holding her hand and he was staring at her. He was trying to say something. He looked at her, opened his mouth, and then closed it.
She wished that he would have just said what he had to say.
"Yeah….it is. I just…I love you." Said Shimazaki. Oh? Was that it?
"I love you too." Said Mob. She knew that he loved her, they had been friends since she was eight. That meant that they'd known each other for five or six…but not seven, that didn't feel right….years. You couldn't be friends with someone for that long without loving them. Shimazaki was staring at her now, he was facing her and his aura was resting on her…why? She was too tired for all of this.
What had he been expecting her to say?
"No, I mean I love you." Said Shimazaki
"I love you too, Ryou. We've known each other for years. Of course I-" said Mob
"No, I mean….I mean I think that I might be in love with you and this is really freaking me out because I already fucked up with Toshi and…and I know that they think I'm needy and clingy and I know that I actually can be needy and clingy but it's like…like the day that you realize how amazing you are you'll leave me and then I'll just be….be without you, I guess." Said Shimazaki
"You….you're in love with me?" asked Mob. She did her best to keep her powers listening. She did her best to keep breathing. This was…he was in love with her. She knew that he had liked her but…but he loved her and love was something even bigger than that and…and she needed room. This room didn't have enough room…she needed room to breathe…..she didn't have enough room to…to breath or think….
"I…I'm pretty sure…but you don't have to say it back. I think that's how I fucked up before. I don't…I don't need to hear it back. I'm not needy….but I need to go to bed. Come on, let's…let's go to bed." Said Shimazaki. He put his hand on her back and started to lay down…Mob ducked. She ducked and got up. She needed….she needed space….she needed room….
She needed to be in her own room.
"I-I'm going to take a bath. I really need a bath but…but you can sleep so…so goodnight! I mean good day! I mean goodbye!" said Mob. She didn't hear what he said. She didn't stay. She just walked away. She didn't care that she had her shoes on or she wasn't dressed or…or that he had just told her that he loved her and no boy had ever said that to her…
Why did he have to feel that way!?
She didn't love him back. That wasn't something that she could lie about. She had been lying all day, and the sun was barely up, and…and she was getting better at it…but she didn't want to be a good liar. She didn't want Shimazaki to love her…she didn't want to lie to him about that….she didn't want….she didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be herself. She didn't want…she wished that she hadn't done all of the things with Shimazaki…but she had…and so many times, too. She had made so many mistakes and…and she just wanted to be done…and at least that part was.
That part had been a mistake and it was never going to happen again…but it was already too late….and she had no idea what to do.