The World Spins Madly On

A.N: First of all, just want to thank everyone for the great reviews. I really appreciate it... so keep'em coming!

So the basics again, just in case: This fanfic takes place right after "As We Know It," so Mark never came into the picture and so forth.

Also, I know that Dr. Bailey is on maternity leave, etc. but for the purpose of my story... she was never pregnant.

Also, while I do say that all characters are involved, the are merely there because the story would be weird without them there. So, the story mainly focuses on Derek and Meredith.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Grey's Anatomy.

Chapter 5: Scratch

Two days had passed and I still hadn't talked to Derek. He avoided me, and I avoided him; it was like we were strangers. It was like everything between us had never happened. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye.

Addison left yesterday. Before she left the hospital, she told Izzie that she should transfer programs; that she should come to New York and study under her. Izzie declined even though I promised her it would be okay with me. She assured me that it had nothing to do with that. She said she had made a home here and she didn't want to leave... that it would be too hard on her. I understood what she was saying, but right now I was having a hard time keeping myself here. I wanted to hide from what my life had become; I wanted to start over.

Izzie and Cristina told me I was crazy for not getting back together with him immediately. I believe their exact words were, "what the hell were you thinking after you've been pining over him for months now." And I... I just didn't have an answer for them, or myself. Over the past two days, I kept asking myself that question - what the hell was I doing - but I just didn't know the answer yet. There was no easy answer, no simple solution. All I could hope was that he would wait for me.

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I walked out of the hospital and breathed a sigh of relief. I had just finished my last shift at the hospital for two days. The possibilities were endless. I could do anything I wanted to in my days off... anything. George and Izzie tried to get me to go to Joe's with them after work, but I told them I needed to get home. Besides the chances of me running into Derek were greater if I went there, and right now I was successfully avoiding him. Successfully avoiding the reality of the situation, which was that soon I needed to make a decision, or else he'd be gone.

And as I drove home, a wave of sadness hit me. Sadness over the fact that I wasn't out having a good time with my friends, and sadness because I couldn't let myself be happy. I knew that being with Derek would make me happy, and yet I refused to let myself walk down that path right now and I didn't know why.

Not caring where I was going, I just drove. Winding in and out of streets, letting the car steer itself, and when I realized where I had driven myself, I took a deep breath. I knew that this was how it felt to have your subconscious speak to you.

His car was parked on the grass in front of his trailer, so I pulled up next to his silver BMW. I turned off my engine and tried to look inside his trailer to see if he was inside, but saw no movement. It made me wonder if he had taken Doc for a walk, and I was tempted to start my car and leave. He'd never know after all, but something stopped me from starting the engine.

I got out of my car and stood in front of his trailer. The trailer door opened and he came outside, looking at me, and I didn't know what to do. So, I started to walk up the pathway towards him and said the first thing that came to mind, "Do you believe in second chances?"

"Depends on the situation." He said without hesitation.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning... there are times when I think second chances are available, and there are times when I think it's too late for second chances." He stood there staring at me, not moving, just staring, and I stopped.

"What about Addison? Why did she deserve a second chance?"

"Addison... Addison was my wife. I had to give her a second chance."

"Why?"

He looked at me with pain in his eyes, "Because I had to try."

"I know." I sighed in defeat.

"Meredith..."

"Derek, this isn't easy for me."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know... I don't know if you deserve a second chance." As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I looked down, unable to meet his eyes, afraid of what I might find.

"I can't answer that for you." He said as he started to walk down the steps towards me.

"I know. I just don't... I don't know. I don't know what I want."

"Yes you do, you're just too afraid to admit it."

"You hurt me."

"I know, and I'm sorry." The sadness in his voice resounded in my head, and I looked up to meet his eyes. He was standing right in front of me, begging my forgiveness, and I still couldn't decide if I was ready to forgive him.

"I begged you."

"I know," he shook his head at my words, "and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." I said before I turned to walk back towards my car, feeling the uncertainty creep back inside of my head.

"Meredith," he said softly, "do you believe in starting over?"