Confessions of a Marauder

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

On his seventeenth birthday, James Potter receives a diary from his best friend, for the sole reason that it was on sale. Soon, he finds himself pouring his thoughts and dreams into it, and beginning to realize his true feelings for Lily Evans. A funny diary, read!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I reckon I'm going bonkers.

All those people lie, you know. The ones who say, "Thinking makes you smarter." Well, I have news for them.

It is a lie.

Thinking only makes you bonkers.

Case number one: me.

Merlin, I keep thinking about what might be happening five floors up in the Hospital Wing. By now, Sirius and Peter told Remus.

So far, I have thought up one hundred possible scenarios, in which ninety nine percent of the time, Sirius is either:

A. Severely maimed

B. Killed

C. Transfigured into a horrific, demonic creature

In the other one percent, Remus forgives Sirius and everyone lives happily ever after. Of course, Sirius performed an Obliverating Charm on him.

Oh god. I think I hear footsteps.

There's no sound of dragging, so I'll assume that whoever the walker is, they're not severly maimed/killed/transfigured.

"Hey James." Sirius greets me, smiling.

HEY JAMES?

I've been sitting on my bed, HYPERVENTILATING, going absolutely bonkers, thinking about what would happen to him when Remus found out, and all he says is "Hey James"?

I knew it! He preformed the Obliverating Charm!

"You preformed the Obliverating Charm!" I burst out, glaring at him. Really, some friend he is!

Crap. I just flat out told a maniac that I knew his secret. Now he's probably going to lunge at me like in those Muggle movies, with crazed eyes, and hiss, "Now that you know, I can't leave you alive!" and he'll pull out a knife, which in true cliché fashion will gleam in the nonexistent light, and I'll squeal girlishly yet in a masculine way, "No, it's me, your friend! Your mate!" and he'll laugh crazily and-

"James? You look kind of peaky." Sirius informed me, flopping down on his bed.

So. He's going to wait until I'm asleep to perform the dirty deed.

"And for your kindest information, I didn't place an Obliverating Charm on Remus. I wrote him a letter and gave it to him. He was sleeping."

Oh.

Right.

So I don't have a crazed-serial-killer-with-a-gleaming-knife-and-psychotic-voice for a best friend.

"Erm…I knew that. I was just playing you, mate."

"Huh. Anyway, something's been bothering me, James. It's what you said yesterday. About Sniv-Snape going through a lot or something. Is…is it true"

I shrugged, looking away, "Yeah." I noticed the change of Snape's name.

Sirius was watching me carefully, and he pressed, "I want to know what happened yesterday."

"Nothing. He was going into the Willow, and I stopped him, and Dumbledore came, and that's pretty much it."

Sirius sat up, frowning, "That's not the whole story. I want to hear about him."

Oh, Merlin. Does he have to dredge that up? Guilt twisted in my stomach, and the familiar panging of shame pounded in my head.

But, you know, maybe he should know. Because we were all at fault. And the least we could do was try to understand Snape.

"Lily and I were studying in the library." I started.

Sirius snorted, "Let me guess. Evans was studying, and you were probably reading Playwizard."

I indignantly answered, "I was not. I was reading Quidditch Weekly. Besides, stop interrupting, it's rude!"

Casting a glowering look at him, as if to challenge him to open his mouth, I huffed, "Now, we were in the library when Peter came running up to us."

"He can run?" Sirius's disbelieving tone was evident.

"Yeah, I was just as shocked- stop interrupting me! Now, he was all like, Prongs, Sirius told everything to Snape. And I was all like, yeah right, because I thought you were totally trustworthy. And then I saw his face, which was all sweaty and scared and icky, and I was like, crap, he did? And Lily was all, what the bloody hell is going on here, and I ditched her and ran to the Willow."

Sirius nodded silently, looking abashed.

"Then I got to the Willow. Snape was poking the tree with a branch, and I yelled, 'Stop!'. And he turned around, raising his wand, and screamed, 'Leave me alone, Potter! For once in my life, Potter, I'm going to be the hero. And you think you can just rob me of this chance, like you Marauders did with every other chance? Not on your pathetic life!' And he opened the door, and Moony leapt out at us. I dragged Snape out, and was about to transform, when a flash of light blinded us, and Remus crumpled to the floor, and we saw Dumbledore and Peter behind us."

Sirius injected, "What does he mean, steal his chances? We never stole anything!"

I looked away and mumbled, "Maybe, you know, we kind of did."

Sneering, Sirius replied, "He was the one who stole my brother. He was the one who always snitched on us to the Professors and Filch. He was the one who stole Evans from you, isn't he the only reason she always says no? Because of him, our lives got messed up."

I burst, "But we pranked him all the time! We were the ones who made everyone else look at him like he was…contaminated! We knew perfectly well everyone would take our side, and we still continued!"

Sirius was silent, dumbstruck.

Suddenly, all the thoughts that had made me squirm since the past day spilled.

"We always picked on him, even when he was defenseless, and we were always four against one, and we never thought about the Severus in Snivellus, all we cared about was the high of popularity, and that everyone thought we were so cool, strutting around and hexing him! And we never respected him, and always did our best to squish what little he might have left! Did we ever think about how he felt? Or how his life was? Or what consequences our actions might have?"

"Mate-"

"No! Did you know his dad is abusive? He beats his mum up for stupid reasons, like getting the wrong type of bread or talking to some other man! And Snape has to go home every summer and watch his dad practically kill her! When he was younger, he used to hide in the corners whenever it happened, and try to stop his dad, but all that happened was that his dad laid a punch on him too! A fice year old! And when he was thirteen, he hexed his dad and ran away, and his dad hospitalized his mum! Can you imagine the guilt? His mum's been in Mungo's ever since, and his dad's in prison!"

Sirius's face was white, and he looked ill.

"And he came to Hogwarts thinking maybe he could finally get a few friends, maybe a girl to marry, and we bloody trampled that idea! We're killers, Padfoot, you, me, Remus, and Peter! We killed Severus and made him into Snivellus the Deatheater! If Snape's a Deatheater, then we're the ones who pushed him to be one."

I fell silent, and felt a warm tear slip out of my right eye, and make its way down my cheek. Sirius's eyes were closed, and he was clenching his bedspread tightly.

Swiping at my cheek, I hollowly said, "I'm sorry I burst out like that."

Sirius whispered, "I…I never really thought about him. Shit, he has a home worse than I did, but at least I had you guys. And after tonight, losing you guys is my punishment. It's ironic, isn't it, that the one person who could relate to me most is the one I tortured?"

I remained quiet.

"I have to go take a smoke." Sirius abruptly stood up.

And despite what he said, about him taking a smoke or whatever, I know where he was really headed.

To Snape. To apologize.

I'm proud of him.

This is it. I've really lost it this time.

What happened was that I was sitting in the Common Room, staring into the fire. Thinking about Snape, and Sirius (who was home, suspended for a month) and Remus, who was still in the hospital, too ashamed to come out.

"Hi James."

I looked up and saw Lily, who looked at me pityingly. Making a small attempt to smile, I replied, "Hi. I'm sorry I ran out on you-"

"You don't have to say sorry, James." Lily had a strange look on her face, and her tone was fierce.

Frowning, I reminded her, "I ditched you at the library, remember? Merlin, you would've killed me by now a week ago."

Sniffling, Lily asked, "Do you have to remind me of my idiocy right now, you prick?"

Idiocy? Does that mean…

"Sirius wrote and told me everything. About you saving Snape, and all that stuff you found out about him. And that you feel so guilty, that it hurt him to see you that day. And I've heard about the mysterious bag of galleons someone left in Mrs. Snape's room at Mungo's."

I flushed, looking at the floor, "Is that so?"

Lily grabbed my hand, and said, "Funnily enough, that was the day you skipped school to 'visit Sirius', I believe was the reason you gave McGonagall. You've really grown up, James."

Looking at her shining eyes, I ventured, "Enough to get me a date to Hogsmeade with a pretty redhead?"

"You prat! You have the worst timing!" Lily cried, looking at me crossly.

My heart sinking, I shrugged, "It was worth a try. Even if you did say 'no'."

Smiling, Lily asked, "Who said anything about saying no? James Potter, after asking me out four-hundred-ninety-three times, you finally have a yes."

At that point, my head hit the table with a smack.

I shudder to think of the number of brain cells that lost me.

Author's Notes

Yup, CoaM is almost finished…maybe two more chapters.

This chapter, I think, is my favorite out of all the chapters I've written. It gives a lot more insight in Snape and Sirius and James then the earlier chapters, which will hopefully settle all the people who call my work 'shallow'.

I love this chapter, and I just want you guys to review with your opinions of this chapter.

Love always,

Celina Black