This is a Battlestar Galactica/Star Wars cross over. I blame my Austrian Muse for planting the idea in my head. It's all her fault! Thank you Maggy!
Yes, I blatantly stole ideas from both Battlestar Galactica and Return of the Jedi and the Wraith Squadron, please don't sue me for doing it. This is for amusement and nothing more.
Please journey with me now to a green moon in a Galaxy Far Far Away -sorta. (What? Like it's not possible that Galactica could have found Endor?)
"Dradis contact! Bearing 2-3-7, Carom 1-1-6. Two ships sir, it's the Raptor patrol." Lt. Gaeta's voice rang out across CIC.
"Very good Lieutenant, have them report to me when they land please. I'll be in my quarters." Smiling as he walked towards the hatch, Admiral Adama grabbed up the stack of reports he had received from the Pegasus that morning. Looking down at the top folder as he walked he realized he would be sitting at his desk for a very long time going through these. Somehow there had to be a better way to get all of these figures and other important things without all of the damn paperwork.
Dumping the thick stack of paper on his desk he walked to the small kitchenette and began brewing a pot of coffee. He knew he'd need it to sustain himself for the length of time it'd take to read through all of this. Then he remembered that there was still another pile of work left over from the Pegasus from the day before. Something had to give eventually or he'd go mad from doing nothing but reading through piles of paper. That did it, he decided, there needed to be someone to help him through all of this or he'd never be able to actually do his job.
The coffee brewing and the warm scent of it permeating his office, he settled down at the desk, pulling the top folder off the pile. Factual metrics on performance data of civilian monetary reliance, it was labeled. Wondering exactly what the frak that meant he put that folder aside and reached for the next one, hoping for a more understandable topic. This one was labeled "Urgent" and had words like systematic regrowth and biochemical. How the hell was he supposed to know what any of this stuff was? Shouldn't Dr. Baltar be getting these? He was the genius on board right?
Sighing loudly and dropping his glasses on the desk he rose to get a cup of the coffee that smelled so very inviting. He'd been suffering through the horrid façade of coffee that they were passing off in the galley for way too long. Being an Admiral had to have some privileges so he'd searched for and found some honest to Gods coffee. He'd been hiding it and waiting for a moment just like this, when he was alone and would be for several hours to brew a pot of the ambrosia-like liquid.
A loud clanging came from the direction of the hatch and he winced as he remembered that he'd told the Raptor patrols to report to his quarters. There was no way he could hide the coffee now so he put his cup down and walked to the hatch. He pushed the heavy door open to find his son, Kara Thrace, Helo and Racetrack on the other side. They'd headed the two teams of Raptors that had gone down to the planet they'd found looking for supplies and resources.
When they had found the planet a few days ago it had scanned positive for water and several minerals that would be of use to them so Adama had sent the two teams with scientists down to see what the situation looked like up close.
"Come on in. I hope you've got good news for me. I don't think I can take much more bad news today."
The group shuffled in and settled into the small sitting area around the Admiral's desk. Kara looked around as if something was bothering her and she elbowed Lee in the ribs to get his attention too.
"Is that coffee?" She said, rising from the couch and heading for the small kitchenette. "It is! It's real coffee! You've been holding out on us! Making us drink that swill in the galley. You certainly won't mind if we have some will you Admiral?" The look she gave him was enough to melt an iceberg and try as he might, he could resist Kara when she was like this. She smiled as he nodded and motioned for the others to come grab a cup. Once they'd all settled back into their seats sighing in delight as they sipped the coffee, Adama went to the pot and noted that there was barely a cup left for him. Sighing loudly he poured it and sat himself at his desk once more, shoving the large stacks of folders to one side so he could see the group.
"All right, please tell that it's going to be easy to get what we need from down there."
Racetrack and Helo tried unsuccessfully to keep their giggles under control. Kara did little better as she looked at Lee who's face was steadily getting redder. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to speak without his voice cracking. "Well sir, that's debatable."
"Debatable how?" the Admiral rumbled. He didn't need anymore headaches right now. He'd just replaced the CO on the Pegasus for the third time in six weeks, the Presidential election was rapidly approaching and it was beginning to look like Baltar might actually have a chance of winning and he certainly didn't need to have that lunatic in charge. Plus the food was starting to run low again and the black market was growing stronger everyday. Thankfully the Cylons hadn't been heard from in a while so they could take their time looking for new supplies.
"Well, uh…"
"Sir, what Major Adama is trying to say is that, well sir, there seems to be a few obstacles on the planet." Helo sputtered as he grinned at Lee mercilessly.
"What frakking obstacles?" The Admiral's temper was obviously reaching a critical point so Kara stepped in and began explaining the situation.
"Well sir, we arrived as scheduled and there was no signs of any hostiles so we spread out in two groups, the scientists in one and the four of us in the other. We scouted around for a bit, which is actually quite hard to do sir as the ground is covered in exceptionally large trees. So we're wandering through these trees and…" she looked at Lee then and broke out in a fit of giggles which also set Racetrack and Helo off again.
Helo picked up the story from there, "Well sir we came across this herd of, well we're not sure what they are but they sort of reminded us of cows. Well they were all clustered in this clearing and we fanned out around them so we wouldn't scare them. Racetrack said we should watch them for a while to see if they could be identified for livestock use and we all agreed. Well apparently these critters are pretty skittish because one of them scented us and they all started making this really loud bellowing sound." He paused here, sipping the last of his coffee and trying to compose himself again.
"Go on please Lieutenant."
"Sir…" he broke into laughter again and hid his face behind his hands. Racetrack seeing his distress picked up the thread of the story. "Well so they were spooked and apparently all the bellowing meant for the herd to clear out so they all started lumbering towards the biggest break in the trees. Which happened to be where the Major was standing." She paused, swallowing loudly. "So the Major, well sir it kinda looked to me like he panicked and he just stood there in shock. Well the lead critter must have knocked him over or something because we lost sight of him in the stampede." Racetrack paused and looked at Lee and she too broke into a fit of giggling.
"Well sir," Kara began, " apparently when these critters stampede they have this defense mechanism to keep predators from following them." She paused and the Admiral looked at her pointedly over the tops of his glasses. " Well sir, apparently they expel large quantities of feces as they run. Quite the stench I might add sir. I certainly wouldn't follow them."
The Admiral looked over at his son who was apparently trying to crawl into himself as he shrunk down in embarrassment. Suddenly the implications of what they were telling him dawned on him. He tried desperately not to laugh and he looked back to Kara for the rest of the story.
"Yes sir, we found the Major lying dazed on the ground in a fetal ball after the herd had passed. He was a bit of a mess sir." Helo and Racetrack began laughing just that much harder now. "And there was quite an…aroma to him."
The Admiral rose from his seat and walked back to the kitchenette which was slightly hidden from the seating area and he fell over into silent laughter. Tears began streaming from his eyes as he tried to control his laughter. It certainly wouldn't help the situation if he was laughing at his own son. He wiped his face and took several deep breaths and began making another pot of coffee to cover his indiscretion. When he was able to return to the desk he sat quietly while waiting for the coffee to finish brewing and the story to continue.
Racetrack picked up the story from there. "Well sir we weren't exactly sure what to do with the Major. We certainly couldn't put him in the ship like that so we left him pretty much where he was and went looking for some water to try wash him off with. We hiked up about a klick to a small ridge and we found a nice little, well it was kind of a lake I guess, so we went back to retrieve the Major. When we found him he was sitting under the same tree we left him at and, well sir, um….he seemed to be talking to himself." She looked pointedly at Lee who was muttering something under his breath.
"Son? What happened?"
"Frakking te…dgrs…" He got up from his seat then and began pacing back and forth grumbling about something that none of the others could make out.
The Admiral looked helplessly to Kara who smiled at Lee over her shoulder and said, "It's okay sir, he's been like this for a few hours now but he's all right. Um…maybe we should finish the story and you'll understand sir?" She looked at Helo and Racetrack for conformation of her diagnosis of Lee's behavior They nodded at her and she took a deep breath before continuing.
"Well sir he kept mumbling about something so we thought he'd taken a blow to the head but he seemed to be functioning well enough. So we got his attention as best we could without actually getting that close to him and we told him we'd found some water he could clean up in. That seemed to perk him up a bit and Helo said he'd run back to the Raptor to find some towels or something. So Racetrack and I led him along to the water. He stood there for a while looking around and up in the trees but we couldn't figure out what he was looking at so we kinda wandered around the lake a bit to give him some privacy. About that time Helo came back with a big old towel and a bag of food for us to eat while we waited for the Major to clean up. So Helo drops the towel on a rock and heads off to the other side of the water to join us."
Suddenly everyone looked embarrassed and tried desperately not to make any eye contact with the Admiral. Thinking that they were hiding something and just needed a moment to get their story straight he got up to get the second pot of coffee. He heard them whispering about something he couldn't make out. He paused to let them finish and when he heard them quiet down he came back with the coffee. Everyone seemed to perk back up at the scent and they all grabbed their cups in anticipation. He reluctantly poured it and even filled Lee's cup even though his son was still pacing and looking more angry than he did before.
Helo once more picked up the story as he savored the fresh coffee. "So we three decided to have a little picnic while the Major was bathing. It's really a pretty planet sir, great weather, beautiful trees and the scent of general freshness that we've been missing so long." The Admiral glared over the top of his cup trying to speed up the story so he could figure out exactly what had happened to his son. Helo got the message and cleared his throat, "Well the Major seemed to be having a pretty nice swim across the lake, we couldn't quite see him but we could hear him splashing around. Well, we finished up our food and cleared up the mess and suddenly the Major kinda yelled something." Once more the three of them started laughing uncontrollably.
"Will you please just finish the frakking story?" the Admiral yelled.
Kara regained control first and nodded to the Admiral, "Well sir, we ran around the lake to find the Major standing on the bank of the lake, um…totally naked sir. Apparently his clothing had been stolen while he was in the water," she smirked at Lee as he stopped pacing to glare at her.
"What under the gods stole your clothing Lee? You told me there were no sentient life forms on that planet."
Lee simply growled at the trio on the couches, then looked up at his father slowly, the blush once more creeping up his neck. "Teddy bears sir."
Kara brayed loudly as she laughed, Helo folded himself in two and held his sides and Racetrack actually fell off the chair she was laughing so hard. The Admiral stood and stared at them and then shot a questioning look at his son.
"Excuse me? What did you say?"
Lee cleared his throat and looked sheepishly at his father, "Sir. Teddy bears sir."
The Admiral blinked several times in disbelief. Then he sat slowly as he stared at his son. Lee looked as if he was going to bolt for the door any second, either that or keel over from the blood pressure that threatened to burst the blood vessels in his neck and forehead at any second. He grabbed the cup of coffee off his father's desk and gulped the hot liquid down, not paying any attention to the fact that it was scalding his mouth. When he was done with it he slammed the cup back down on the desk and threw himself back in the chair, gripping the arms of it tightly until his knuckles began turning white.
"You heard me right. I said teddy bears. Giant frakking walking teddy bears. With spears."
Kara was laughing so hard now that the Admiral was afraid she was going to hurt herself. He looked at Helo and Racetrack who were just as incapacitated as Kara was and he realized he would be getting no more information from them any time soon.
Lee glared at them even harder and tried to get the words to come out between his tightly clenched teeth. "Sir, apparently there are these indigenous creatures on the planet that resemble large teddy bears. They apparently are quite curious beings because they came to investigate me in the water. I wasn't sure if they were dangerous or not so I stayed put. They were sniffing my clothing which apparently they didn't find as disgusting as my so called friends did." He shot daggers at the others who had totally given up any bit of self control they had.
The Admiral stared at his son, jaw gaping at the story he was being told. He couldn't speak or he'd lose the tight grip of control he was currently holding so he nodded to show he was following it so far and for Lee to continue.
"Sir, they took my clothes."
At that point the elder Adama could no longer control himself and he burst out laughing. Lee's jaw fell at the same time his face did. He'd been hoping for an ally in this horrible nightmare but he just lost the only hope of one he had. The Admiral snorted several times and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry Lee. Please continue."
"They took my clothes," he growled through clenched teeth. "I tried to chase them but they had a head start so I grabbed the towel that Helo brought back and I was about to chase after them when I heard the others shouting at me. So I turned to yell back to them that my clothes had been stolen."
Helo had composed himself enough to pick up the story at that point and he leaned forward in his chair. "Sir, we came around the side of the lake about the time that the Major had gotten the idea to chase them and we saw him standing there, towel in hand, butt assed naked and pointing and shouting at the trees. Um, Lieutenant Thrace started laughing at the Major and Lieutenant Edmondson just stood there blushing so I felt it was my duty to advise the Major of his compromised position."
"Yeah, wise ass here says 'your towel sir' and doubles over laughing at me. So I realized what was happening and I wrapped the towel around myself and tried to get them to chase after the evil teddy bears but all they could do was keep laughing at me." The pained look on Lee's face was almost enough to make Kara feel pity but she knew what happened next so she couldn't feel any remorse just yet.
"And then…" choked the Admiral.
Racetrack, who had finally righted herself and returned to the chair, albeit with tears still streaming down her cheeks, coughed and said, "Sir, we scoured the immediate area searching for signs of the…um…teddy bears sir."
"We couldn't find any sign of anything so we returned to the Major sir and made plans to return to the Raptors." Helo advised.
"And just how did you plan on getting back there with out any clothes Major?" the Admiral snickered.
"Sir, I had the towel sir."
Adama nodded his head and looked at the others who now looked amused and smug. "We were unprepared for the attack sir so there were no back up supplies. We'll know better next time sir," Kara managed to get out before she slid back into laughter.
"Okay, so you were making your way back to the Raptors, then what?"
Racetrack looked sheepishly at the Admiral and grinned at Helo who was currently poking her in the side to make her tell the story. "Sir we advanced in a standard line formation, Lt. Agathon in the lead, followed by Lt. Thrace, myself and the Major at the rear so we could clear a path for him. Apparently the enemy stole his boots as well sir." She paused to snort a bit at her phrasing then she took a deep breath and carried on with the tale. "Sir, we were ambushed sir." This statement was too much for her so she erupted into peals of laughter once more.
Kara picked up the tale as she looked at the Admiral who was obviously trying not to join Racetrack on the floor in laughter and then at Lee who looked as if he were about to explode. "We were almost back to the clearing where the Raptors were when we heard this loud commotion coming from up in the trees and…well it sounded like drums sir. Suddenly this loud squawk blares down from the trees and this fluffy blur comes swinging down on a vine and…" the strain of trying to hold the laughter back was too much for her and she exploded into laughter again.
The Admiral was visibly laughing now as the tale was too amusing to keep any semblance of control. He looked at his son in pity and amusement and motioned for him to finish the story as Lee was currently the only one not engaged in hysterical laughter.
"They took my towel sir. The frakking evil teddy bears took my towel."
Suddenly the entire room, with the exception of Lee himself, was engulfed in the howls of laughter that came from everyone else. Even the Admiral was laughing unbelievably loudly. This carried on for several more minutes while Lee steadily dug his fingers into the arms of the couch to control his anger as he plotted revenge against all of them.
When everyone had wrestled the mental picture back down and was once more calm, the Admiral looked at the four people in front of him and nodded slowly. "Very well, there is apparently intelligent life on that planet so we'll treat them with caution and a higher sense of precaution, We still need to get what we can from that planet. Is there anything else you can tell me about these creatures so we can possibly approach them in negotiations?"
"Well sir," Racetrack mumbled, "they are apparently capable of a crude form of communication. I did hear the one on the vine say something but I'm not sure what it was."
"Well Lieutenant, what did it sound like? We could run it through our linguistics programs and see what we get."
"Sir, it sounded like the critter said 'yub yub' but I can't be sure."
"All right then, at least we know what to expect for the next trip down there. I'll get in touch with the scientists to see what they found out. And I will strongly suggest that this information about the 'teddy bear' creatures goes no farther than this room. In fact that's an order. Am I clear?" They all rose from their seats and saluted the Admiral. "Very well, dismissed."
Lee looked at his father, silently thanking him for the hush order put on the others and also berating him for laughing along with them. He saw nothing funny with the situation. Helo was walking past him as he left the room and the taller man leaned over and whispered "yub yub Major" in Lee's ear which infuriated him once more.
Then Racetrack paused as she walked past him and said in a low voice, "by the way Major, nice rear."
This made Lee blush furiously for some reason and the blush became just that much stronger when Kara tipped up on her toes as she walked by and kissed him on the cheek. "Definitely the nicest rear I've ever seen."
Lee thought about this for all of two seconds, then turned and loped after her, "Really? It's nice?"