Shimazaki kind of felt bad for the fish.

He had thought that it would have made him feel better, making Hatori feel as bad as he did, and what could have been a worse feeling than being all wet? Shimazaki didn't care for water, he didn't trust it either, and the only thing worse than being in it was when you had to walk around in wet clothes. They way they clung to you, the feel of the water dripping off of you, the sound of the dropping…so loud when you were perfectly still. Which he never was, of course, but still. There was nothing worse than being soaking, sopping wet.

With water.

The idea had come to him while he was swapping out people's fish. It was something that he and Sho used to do before Sho outgrew him. They used to find the loneliest fish they could at pet stores and find them homes in people's already established aquariums. Of course that occasionally made the aquariums overpopulated so a game of pass the fish was started. For him it was fun, the way people reacted when they found new fish in their aquariums, but for Sho it had been an act of altruism. He hated to see animals suffering…and also he had a love of fucking with people.

Or at least he used to.

Sho outgrew him and that was…a thing that had happened. He wasn't about to keep Sho in a box and never feed him so he was little forever, that was some serial killer shit, so the only other thing he could do was accept that Sho would rather hang out with literally everyone but him. Mostly Fukuda, sometimes Mob…whatever. Sho could do whatever he wanted to do. Shimazaki had other friends he could hang out with!

Or at least he'd had other friends at one point.

That was the problem with everyone you'd ever known being dead, ghosts were fucking hard to contact. He only knew one medium and he was currently fucking Toshi. Shimazaki had learned, on this journey of self improvement he'd been on for a while, that he could be a little bit on the jealous side sometimes. That was something that he'd been working on with Mob…she had that effect on people…on him. She'd made him into a better person. He knew he got jealous and he made an effort not to feel that way. That was why he never once fucked with Serizawa even though he was always there with Mob…always talking to her…

Well that didn't matter now, now did it?

No friends, which sucked because he knew for a fact he was overdue for a touchup and Kai was the only man for the job, and no partner either…that was worse. Sure he was pissed about walking around with fucked up tattoos, he knew Fukuda had fucked them up just to be an asshole, and not having anyone to talk to or hang out with or even just listen to records with sucked, but what hurt the most was being…being so…

Alone.

He could go wherever he wanted to go and he could do whatever he wanted to do. The four walls that surrounded him meant nothing. He wasn't a little kid anymore. He wasn't going to pace his room with his hands against the walls looking for some way out even though he knew that there wasn't one. The door wasn't locked, the windows opened, and he was the greatest teleporter the world had ever seen. He could have left his room, their room, his room at any time. He could have gone literally anywhere in the world and done literally anything he wanted to. He was Shimazaki fucking Ryou. He was second in this world only to the Suzuki family. He was….

Alone.

Had this bed always been so big? It felt bigger now that he was alone in it. Toshi hadn't come home in a while. They were out at Disneyland again with Mob…he would have liked an invitation. Nobody had extended him one, not even Sho…but to be fair this had to be incredibly weird for him. Shimazaki knew what it was like to be in love with someone for years and to have to see them with someone else. Out of everyone he knew Sho had the most understandable reason for not talking to him. Everyone else he didn't get…especially Toshi.

He had never once lied to them.

Three or four years. That was how long he had said it would have taken him to like Mob. Three or four years. Long enough for her to stop being a kid. He knew what people thought and, no, he had NOT been into her back then. She had been way too young for him. She wasn't a kid anymore. She was young but that didn't mean anything. Well it hadn't ever meant anything to him. Toshi knew that. Toshi knew all of his stories, the great loves of his life, the great lovers of his life, people he'd just cared about…Toshi knew everything and if it had bothered them so much then they should have said something back when they'd first met. If he'd known that they'd had such a problem with him being who he was then he wouldn't have fallen in love with them…

As if he had any control over that.

He didn't want to fall out of love with Toshi. Even if it would have made things easier he just…he couldn't. They made his life better. He didn't just mean in the way that they labeled the kitchen for him or helped him sort his laundry or cut his hair. They just…he was happier when they were around. They made him think about the future. Living like life was one big today was fun but he wanted to make sure, now, that there was going to be a tomorrow. Before Toshi he would have been content to go to bed and wake up dead the next day knowing that he'd lived his life to the fullest. Now he wanted there to be a tomorrow and he wanted to share it with them.

But he couldn't.

So far he was only going to be sharing tomorrow with their clothes. Toshi was going to kill him. If Toshi came home and saw that he'd not only dumped out all of their drawers but also the stuff they hadn't unpacked from their suitcase, mostly winter stuff, then they were going to kill him on the spot. Good. At least then they would have been talking to him. They were gone and all he had to remember them by was the nest of clothes on their, his, their bed. It all smelled so much like Toshi…but especially their winter clothes…especially this sweater.

It was soft.

He held it to his chest and rolled onto his back. It felt good against his skin. He would have worn their clothes, too, if he could have but it didn't go both ways. Toshi wore his stuff sometimes….sometimes he would climb into bed and hold them close and he'd catch his own scent on them….or a mixture of both of them if they'd been borrowing his shirt for a while…they smelled good together. Toshi smelled good on their own. He held their sweater up to his face. This one was lavender, they had said, with daisies on the front. It didn't smell like lavender or daisies. It smelled like dirt, weed, coffee, books, and that musty smell that clothes got when they were in a suitcase for a while…it smelled like what Toshi would have smelled like if he'd kept them locked in a suitcase for a while…but that was some serial killer shit…

That was some really fucked up shit.

Shimazaki was the first to admit that he had a lot of problems. Yeah, alright, he drank too much and smoke too much and he was helping a maniac take over the world. Plus the whole killing people thing wasn't exactly normal…but that was just a job to him. Some people catch fish, some people shot chickens, and he occasionally killed people. He didn't like it, he didn't hate it but he didn't like it either, and that…well that could be seen as kind of fucked up too….yeah! Here he was killing people for a living and then spending that money drinking like a fish and smoking like a chimney…well actually a lot of it had been going up his nose lately….whatever! Maybe the sheer amount of whatever he'd been snorting, it made him hear God and pace the ceiling all night, made him a piece of fucked up shit or…or the fact that he killed people for a living or…or even the fact that sometimes he actually did enjoy beating people up. All of those things, his many problems, made him a pretty fucked up guy but loving Mob was not on that list.

There was nothing wrong with loving someone.

"There isn't." said Shimazaki to Toshi's sweater. He didn't expect it to answer back. He wasn't tripping and even if he had been he never hallucinated things talking to him. He mostly just went down memory lane but the better street right next to it. He mostly just rewrote the bad parts of his life and made them better…made himself better…happier….he wasn't tripping and he didn't want to. He was in a bad place right now, obviously, since he was talking to sweaters…

He needed to talk to the real Toshi.

He needed to tell them that if they wanted to break up with him then it should have been for the real problems he had. His jealousy, the fact that he could be kind of clingy sometimes, or maybe even the time he'd accidentally used their toothbrush to clean his pipe out…it hadn't been his fault they used the same brand as Hatori…..whatever! If they had wanted to leave him over something even as petty as that then it would have been perfectly fine. At least that would have been an actual problem….something that affected them…or something. At least that would have been him being a real piece of shit. Loving Mob did not make him a piece of shit.

Loving Mob made him in love, nothing more and nothing less.

He loved her. He loved the way her hair felt right after she finished brushing it. He loved the way she smelled first thing in the morning. He loved the little sighs she made when she slept. He loved the way she said his name, Ryou, like he was the only other person in the world. He loved the way she always put him, everyone, first even though she didn't have to. He loved the way she was always up for anything and everything, and not just partying. She was a party girl though and he loved her for that. Party, crash, rinse repeat…their vacation or holiday or sabbatical or whatever had been perfect…but they didn't always have to party. She liked to travel for the sake of travelling, too. Interesting theme parks…mostly Disney but, hey, it was called the happiest place on earth for a reason. She liked beaches too and he could get used to those…even though ocean water was the worst form of water…so much salt…collecting shells with her was fun…sandcastles…just laying down with her and listening to the ocean…even when they were just hanging out they were doing something…he would have gone to Disneyland with her. He would have gone anywhere and everywhere with her, even to a movie or something, yeah…even one without narration of any kind. One where she had to tell him what was happening. One where people shushed them and she got embarrassed, because she was Mob, but he defended her mostly by throwing whatever he could and then she was all 'Ryou' and she acted like she was mad but she wasn't and then they got stoned and he went down on her in the projection room and then they fed ducks and one of the ducks distracted them while another stole the loaf of bread….

That had been a fun day.

They had fun together. He loved that about her…he loved her. It wasn't a sex thing. He could kind of understand if it was just a sex thing, the way people would have been bothered by it, since it did look bad. Him being so much older than her. He wasn't stupid, he could do basic math. He had been born in 1985, which was thirty three years ago, which made him twenty years older than her, which was one hell of an age gap, which if he had been a bigger piece of shit than he was now would have been bad. If he had been one of those guys who lied, who went after girls that young because they believed anything, if he had told her he loved her because he had just wanted to fuck her until he got bored and then moved onto the next person. As if he could ever have gotten bored of her…as if he ever could have lied to her. It wasn't a sex thing. If it had been purely a sex thing then he wouldn't have told her that he loved her, he would have just asked her if she wanted to have sex, and he would have respected any answer she gave him. He didn't need to lie to get someone into bed, he could just ask, eventually someone would say yes. He slept with her as an expression of love, and horniness, but also a lot of love. Maybe if he put it that way Toshi would get it….

It was worth a try.

Because, really, waiting for them to call wasn't getting him anywhere. The only place it had gotten him was laying naked in a pile of their clothes on their bed and wishing that they were there. Boring. Sitting and wishing and hoping and dreaming was boring and he didn't do boring. Being sad was boring too…at some point he had turned into someone boring…someone he didn't like. He didn't like not liking himself and he didn't like being alone and….and he didn't like being without Toshi…and he didn't like the way that they were treating him. The things that they must have thought about him…things that he had never lied to them about….

He hadn't ever lied to them before and he wasn't about to now.

He reached into the pile of clothes for his phone. Somewhere in this pile…there. He had left it in his jacket. He sat up and called Toshi before he lost his nerve….something else that had never happened to him before. He had never been unsure of himself before, had never had to talk himself into anything before. He just did whatever he felt. Life was to live and he had vowed, as soon as he'd been let out of his room, to live every moment of it. To touch everything that he could touch, to taste every kind of chocolate that there was, to listen to every single record ever made, and to walk until the ground ended. He had never been unsure once in his life, not even when Mom died, not when the house burnt down, not when…not when someone he cared about more than anything else died…not when he got kicked out of the only world he had ever known….he had never felt as unsure in his life than he did now. He'd never had anything to lose before now.

Only his life, but really what was that actually worth?

"Come on….come on….pick up…" muttered Shimazaki as his phone rang. Toshi might have been screening his calls again…they'd been doing that lately. Ever since that night when everything went wrong…they'd been screening him like he was…someone they didn't want to talk to. Not like he was invisible. Not like he didn't exist. Not like he was just…no. He existed, he was visible, and they wanted him alive and…and he wasn't useless and…and now he was biting his nails.

He stopped.

He hadn't done that since he'd been a kid…he just needed to keep his mouth busy with something. The call went to voicemail…maybe they'd been napping or something. He'd call again. Or maybe he could call Mob….he didn't want to call Mob. If he didn't call her then he wouldn't have any idea if she wanted to break up or not…she hadn't so much as texted him and she hadn't invited him and…and she would have told him if she wasn't into him…but she had been distant for a while…

He needed something to do.

He grabbed his pack of cigarettes and his lighter from his jacket pocket. Did he have a joint hidden away in there…yes, yes he did. He felt it…one of Mob's rolls. She always rolled them really tight, and with a filter at the end. She liked them better like that, there was less left over in a roach, not that he minded roaches and the franken-bowls they made…Toshi did, though, they said that mixing strains was a waste of perfectly good effort. They had their own strains that they had grown for a specific reason that they weren't about to waste…

He lit his joint.

Mob's roll, his papers, Toshi's weed….this was one of their 'melt into the couch' blends. He could taste it…good. He needed to melt into the couch…bed. The couch wasn't the place to be, not unless he felt like fighting with people, and anyway he was naked and he didn't feel like putting on clothes right now. Not unless they were Toshi's…Toshi's clothes, Toshi's bed, Toshi's weed-

-Toshi's phone calls.

Toshi partner, that was what they were in his phone. They had been Toshi heart for a while but his screen reader had trouble with pictures like that so now they were Toshi partner…not that he knew any other Toshi's…not that he wanted to know any other Toshi's. One was enough…the one that was calling him right now…

He nearly swallowed his joint.

He didn't, though, he managed to spit it out just in time. He picked it up in his other hand before it could burn a hole in his bed. Eventually he picked up the phone. Maybe he wanted Toshi to think that he was screening them too…no, no. That was some fucked up serial killer shit right there and he was not that kind of fucked up…he was a few different kinds of fucked up but he wasn't that kind of fucked up.

He wasn't too fucked up for Toshi to love…at least he thought so.

"What?" asked Toshi before he could even got out a 'how do you do'. He didn't care. He held that word, the sound of their voice, within his mind for as long as he could. How much time had passed? He'd tried to count the days but they'd turned into months…he needed to hear their voice again. Again and again and again until he went deaf and then he had to figure out how he was going to deal with that.

"Shimazaki, stop breathing down the phone like a perverted caller and tell me what's so damned important that you bothered me." Said Toshi. Shimazaki frowned….he hadn't been…he was Ryou to them now…he'd been Ryou for a while…

"You're calling me Shimazaki again?" asked Shimazaki

"Be happy that I'm calling you at all. Now what is it?" asked Toshi

"I just wanted to hear your voice, I guess…it's been a while. I tried to count the days but they've turned into months." Said Shimazaki

"Don't be ridiculous, it's been two days." Said Toshi

"Nearly three." Said Shimazaki

"Good, you can count. Well I guess my work is done-" said Toshi

"Wait! Just…wait." Said Shimazaki

"For?" asked Toshi

"For me to think of what to say. I knew what I wanted to say and I called you but then you didn't pick up so I forgot-" said Shimazaki

"Is there anything that you can possibly say at this point?" hissed Toshi

"There is…I just need you to listen to me…please." Said Shimazaki

"I'm curious to see how you possibly think that you can justify what happened. I really am. Go on, hit me with your best shot." Said Toshi

"Ok…I'm a fucked up guy-" said Shimazaki

"In other news the sky is blue." Said Toshi

"I'll have to take your word for it." Said Shimazaki

"If that's all then-" said Toshi

"No, no, no. That's not…ok. I'm a fucked up guy and…and if you want to leave me then leave me for a real reason. A fucked up reason." Said Shimazaki

"….sleeping with Mob isn't fucked up enough for you?" asked Toshi

"It's not because it isn't. I love her and-" said Shimazaki

"She is thirteen years old!" said Minegishi

"I never lied to you. I never once lied to you about who I was. I told you why I got kicked out of the family, why there was a kill on sight order on my head-" said Shimazaki

"Because you couldn't keep your pants on. Because you slept with your boss's daughters…because you thought that you were in love with one of your boss's daughters." Said Toshi

"I was in love with her, I know what love is and…and yeah, that's why I got kicked out. Suzuki is one hundred percent justified in kicking my ass-" said Shimazaki

"And so will I! Ryou…Shimazaki, you did…everyone trusted you. Mob trusted you. I trusted you. I trusted you with her, I asked you not to sleep with her-" said Toshi

"You said don't sleep with her while she was twelve. I waited until her birthday and I didn't make her do anything she didn't want to. I'm not like that, you know I'm not like that. I asked her if she wanted to fuck, she said yes, and then we fucked and obviously she wanted to since she asked me again and again and again-hell, she practically climbed-" said Shimazaki, losing control over himself. He hadn't done anything wrong and…and Toshi was wrong to feel this way and….and they had no reason to leave him! He hadn't done anything that he hadn't said that he was going to!

Three or four years. He'd been very clear on that. She was thirteen now.

"I'm hanging up now." Said Toshi. Shimazaki felt his heart jump into his throat. For a moment the world almost faded away around him…not the time to be losing control over his powers. Not while he was on the phone with Toshi, not while he was fucking up his only chance to set things right, and not while he was completely naked either.

He doubted their soft Toshi-sweater would actually fit him.

"Don't! I'm sorry, I just…I got pissed off. You know I'm not like that. You know that I'd never do anything to hurt her…and if you want to hate me then hate me for a real reason and not just because I feel in love, again, with someone I shouldn't have fallen in love with." Said Shimazaki

"…do you know who I hate, Shimazaki? I hate myself. I don't hate you, I don't hate Mob, I don't even hate Suzuki. I hate myself. I'm the one who was willfully blind to you and how you were with her and…and I let this happen to her. This is my fault and I don't know if I'm ever going to forgive myself…I don't even hate you…something has got to be wrong with me…" said Toshi

"Do you still love me?" asked Shimazaki softly. That was it. That was all that he needed to know. Whatever answer he got he would accept….

"I…I'm hanging up now." Said Toshi before they did just that. If this had been a hundred years ago or whatever there would have been a dial tone to listen to. There wasn't. This was the future and all he got was a click before his phone told him that the call was over…that Toshi had hung up on him…

He called them back.

It didn't even ring once. Voicemail. They were screening his calls…they were ignoring him. He let it go to voicemail. He had to say something, anything, even if it was just 'sorry'…but no, he wasn't going to say that. He was sorry that he hadn't thought to confirm that Mob had told Toshi. He was sorry that the whole thing had blown up over dinner. He was even sorry that everyone knew. Not for his sake, no, if Kai had still been around/alive he would have gotten 'I love Suzuki Shigeko' and 'I love Minegishi Toshiki' tattooed across his face. He wasn't sorry that he'd fallen in love with her, he wasn't sorry that he slept with her, and he wasn't sorry that he would have done it again.

He was sorry that he'd hurt Toshi.

He was sorry that he'd caused them pain…that he'd driven them away…that he'd made them want to end the best thing that had ever happened to him…to the both of them. He was sorry…so sorry…..but he had to think of something better than 'sorry'. Maybe 'please' would have worked better. Please forgive me. Please come back to me. Please don't ignore me. Please…please wasn't good enough, was it? Their voicemail was still going…but he didn't say please…he didn't say anything. He just stayed on until their voicemail box was full….until their phone cut him off….

He knew that they wouldn't care about 'sorry' or 'please' but maybe they would care about a long message just of him crying.