Disclaimer: Kakashi, Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto and the whole Naruto universe belong to Masashi Kishimoto and whomever he chooses to license them to. I don't own anything. In other words: not mine.
Authors Note: This is my first Naruto fan fiction. Actually, my first fanfic ever. I didn't mean to write it, (I'm a lurker, damn it, not a writer!) but the 3-day post-signup waiting period was taunting me. So yeah, here you go. Don't expect it to happen again.
Update to A/N (3-25-06): Many thanks to randomsomeone for her quick 'n' dirty (and much appreciated!) beta, and to you folk who wrote me awsome and encouraging reviews.
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Hope
(Kakashi Knows This)
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"It's all right," he tells her. "Soon things will go back to the way they used to be."
He's lying and he knows it, but it's worth it to see her smile.
They are ninjas, and Kakashi knows, better than most, that ninja life has no room for hope or happy endings. Ninja endings are quick and painful. Or sometimes not so quick but just as painful, and usually quite messy into the bargain. There are no second chances. More often than not, there's not even a goodbye.
He has been left too many times, standing here with a scarred forehead protector in his bloody hands, another name carved on the monument, and a bellyful of bitter regrets. He will be left again and again, until it's his turn to leave. This is the way of the ninja. Kakashi knows this.
This is what he's supposed to teach them. This is what he doesn't ever want them to learn. So he acts foolish and reads his ecchi books and is hours late to everything, to make very sure that there's never quite enough time. He continues to put off this lesson, and will continue to do so for as long as he can despite the nagging little voice whispering that it's already too late.
His team is breaking. Broken. Beyond repair, long before they were his. Kakashi knows this.
Sasuke lives for revenge. Everything else, other thoughts and feelings are distractions. Hope is a weakness, a thing to be discarded so that he can get on with the business of killing the only family he has left. His purpose burns within him, and even though it's eating him alive, he cannot let go.
Naruto, too, is familiar with this kind of purpose. He learned growing up that there was no kindness, no hope to be found in others. And so he chases after his dream of being Hokage relentlessly, determined that he will cut or carve or claw from life the things it will not offer.
These boys are so very young. Too young for this. Too young to die, he thinks, or to kill. He cannot remember ever being that young; except he was, and so are they. But when he sees death glinting at him from behind Sasuke's eyes, or the steel behind Naruto's goofy smile, he knows that they are ninja. There is no other way now. Their choices, like his own, were made years ago, long before anyone even realized there was a choice. Kakashi know this.
But Sakura is different. She is weak. Oh, her ninja skills are improving, but she is still fragile, vulnerable in a way the boys are not. So very wide open because she still clings stubbornly, heartbreakingly to hope. She hopes for Sasuke's love, for his respect, for bigger breasts and a smaller forehead and a future where her team, her village, and her life are whole again.
Sakura should have learned by now. It's tearing her apart because she still believes, even though she's seen enough to know better. She believes, deep down, that people are kind, that the world is fair, that as long as she smiles, tries, hopes hard enough things will turn out okay. Sakura still believes in happy endings. Kakashi know this.
And he would give anything to keep her this way.
Sakura is a woman-child, a killer-in-training. She is beautiful in this frozen moment, caught between the dreams of a girl and the hardened resolve of a kunoichi.
Kakashi is a ninja. He deals death more casually than the hands of poker he plays with Asuma and Genma on long, empty nights. He is supposed to teach her to do the same. Kakashi knows this.
But he cannot bear to be the one to hurt her. He doesn't want to kill her hope or trample her dreams. So he lies to her, using words and smiles to paint the future a rosy-gold. He would give his dogs, his life, and whatever's left of himself to keep her this way, safe and whole, but he cannot protect her forever.
Someday she will learn what it really means to be a ninja, and she will hate him for this betrayal. She will hate him for holding her back, for keeping her in the dark, for treating her like the little girl she wants so desperately not to be anymore. He knows it's an awful lot to forgive, but he thinks maybe someday she'll understand. Of course, it's much more likely she won't, and then she'll join the long line of precious people he's lost. Kakashi knows this.
But he has discovered that he still has it within him to hope.