May, 1975
"Well, see you next month, then."
Ennis heard the desolation in his voice. He watched Jack turn away and head back to his truck, the swagger gone from his stride, the sparkle gone from his eyes.
You did that, he thought.
Jack got back in his truck.
Say something. Do something. Anything. You wanna puke your guts out again? You wanna have a breakdown in front 'o the girls?
There was a war being fought inside Ennis's head. One side wanted to let Jack go. Preserve the status quo. He'd see him again in a month. They'd spend another week out in the woods, not fishing. They'd drink, they'd talk, they'd have sex, and Ennis would try to wring every moment dry. He'd try and commit every moment to memory, because one week of life had to last him months, long dreary months until the next not-fishing trip. Let him go back to Texas. I'll stay here where it's safe, and it's known, and no one knows what's in my heart, and I can live in this miserable house and see the girls once a fuckin' month and try not to notice the pity on Alma's face and swear that tonight, just for one night, I won't dream about him, please let me not dream about him just this once, I'm beggin' you.
The other side wanted him to ask Jack to stay. Just ask him to stay until you drop the girls off. Then talk to him, for cryin' out loud. Ask him what he was hoping for. You never knew what was next, but he always did. You never had the guts to take another step, but he always did. Look at him, you chickenshit. He drove all the way up here. On your say-so he wouldn't never go back. He's ready to throw it all away jus' t'be with you. What're you ready to do for him? Ain't you even ready to have one lousy conversation? What kinda man are you, anyway?
You've always let him feel enough for two, so's you don't have to. When you gonna step up and lift your share?
Jack was starting his truck. He glanced up at Ennis again, trying to smile, trying to make it all right for him. Sure, it's fine that I just drove sixteen hours straight because I thought you might be free now. I don't mind turning around and going straight back. Why don't you kick me in the balls while you're at it?
That man is your last chance, said a voice. It was very clear, so much so that Ennis almost turned around to see who'd spoken. Your last chance to be happy. Maybe the only chance you ever had.
He saw Jack yank his gearshift lever down, then start to turn and look over his shoulder. He watched him from under the brim of his hat, hands shoved into his pockets. Any second Jack would take his foot off the brake and hit the gas, and then he'd be nothing but a dust trail hanging over the road. Just wait another second, and you won't have to choose anymore. You won't have to fight yourself anymore. He'll be gone, just like before, just like always, and you'll get off easy again.
"Jack, wait!" he heard someone shout. Jack stopped and turned back, and Ennis realized that he'd said that himself. Jack frowned.
"What?"
Well, get over there, you dumbass. Ennis yanked his feet from where they were busily taking root and walked over to the truck. He leaned on the open window, checking over his shoulder to make sure the girls couldn't see from where they were. "Just hold on," he said.
"Hold on for what, Ennis? For the Rapture?"
"Naw, just…" He harrumphed. "Can y'wait for a bit?" Jack blinked. "Jus' till I take the girls home? Coupla hours?"
Jack put the truck back in neutral. "You want me t'wait?"
Ennis shrugged. "If you're able."
"Ennis…does it fuckin' look like I got anywhere else t'go?"
"Jus'…wait here. Then when I get back, well…we c'n talk."
He saw cautious optimism coming into Jack's face. "Y'mean it?"
Ennis lowered his eyes, and slowly put his hand over Jack's where it rested on the open window. "I mean…oh, hell, I dunno what I mean. I jus' know that, uh…" He shifted and cut his eyes away. "I let you outta my sight once 'afore, and y'know how I regretted it. I jus' got a feelin' if I do it again, I'd regret it twice over." He forced himself to raise his eyes and meet Jack's. They were wide and full of careful hope.
"Well…okay, Ennis. I'll wait if you want me to. I been waitin' this long, a few more hours ain't gonna hurt me none." Ennis moved back so Jack could get out of the truck.
"Door's open," Ennis said. Jack nodded and started to move past him to the house, but Ennis grasped his arm. He glanced around…the girls were in the truck, its mirrors were out of eye-line, there were no cars anywhere about. He drew Jack close and kissed him, quickly but decisively. "Be back soon's I can."
Jack smiled. "I'll be here."
Ennis squeezed his arm, then headed back to his truck and climbed in. "Let's go, girls," he said, smiling.
He saw Jack go into the house as he pulled onto the road, and warmth filled him at the novel idea that when he came home later, he'd be coming home to Jack. That was a feeling he thought he might be able to get used to.
The drive north to the cabin was long, silent, and excruciating. Jack sat staring out the window, arms crossed, flogging himself relentlessly. Why didn't you tell him, you dumb son of a bitch? Because I was afraid he'd be mad. Well, guess what, he found out anyway and now he's more mad than he'd've been if you'd just told him. Where does he get off, anyway? My son's dead, I was emotional, it was Lureen…is it so awful? Well, how would you feel if he slept with Alma?
The thought made him shudder and sent a sharp skewer of jealousy and hurt through his gut. The thought of Ennis with somebody else…well, it made him want to hit something. It hadn't bothered him when they'd both been married. Hell, it had been necessary. But Ennis was his now.
Yeah, and he feels the same way about you. Y'think that might be why he's so quiet over there, asshole?
And so on, and so on, mile after mile, town after town. The cabin was about an hour and a half north of Farmingdale on St. Albans Bay, a little finger of water sticking out from Lake Champlain. It was a pleasant, scenic drive, but Jack barely saw any of it. Usually when he and Ennis made this trip, it was fun. They'd talk and laugh, happy to be getting away from the daily grind to spend some time alone. These country back roads and byways were familiar friends. One of Jack's favorite memories had taken place along one of these roads. They'd been on their way up to the cabin for a whole week to celebrate Ennis's birthday. On the trip north, Ennis had suddenly turned off the two-lane county road onto an old logging road. "I cain't wait," he'd growled, when Jack asked him what the hell he was doing. He'd driven the truck into a thicket of trees and parked, then turned to Jack and grabbed him. They'd done it right there on the front seat.
The odds of that happening on this trip seemed very low.
Going to the cabin always felt like descending into another world. It was secluded, damn near isolated, and after a few days it could start to feel like he and Ennis were the only people in the world. The wide-place-in-the-road town of St. Albans Bay was ten minutes away, the slightly larger town of St. Albans about twenty, so it was hardly the ends of the earth, but when you drove down the long two-track drive down towards the lakeshore and left the high hill country behind, it felt like diving deep into the quiet, green idyll of some kind of fairy story where mythic little creatures ran through the woods and the trees sang you to sleep.
The cabin would be ready for them. They had a caretaker who checked the place over regularly, and Ennis would have called ahead to let the man know they were coming so there'd be wood for the fireplace and loaned horses in the tiny stable they'd built themselves the first year they'd had the place. It was a homey little cabin. Two bedrooms with a great room between. It sat among tall evergreens, but had an unobstructed view down the steep gully behind to the bay and clear across its glass surface to the hills on the peninsula.They'd gotten a tip from a friend in the real estate business that the previous owner had to unload it quickly. IRS problems. They'd been in the market for a cabin but would never have thought to get one as nice as this one, and they'd gotten it for half what it was worth.
Ennis pulled up into the little nook cut into the trees for this purpose, and he and Jack began unloading their clothes and groceries. For one awful moment Jack wondered if Ennis was going to put their bags in two separate rooms, but he didn't. However severe his anger…and he wasn't giving away many clues…it didn't extend to sleeping apart.
Jack was putting the groceries away when Ennis came out of the bedroom carrying his riding gloves. "I'm goin' for a ride," he said, the modifier "alone" conveyed quite effectively by his tone.
Jack nodded. "Okay," he said. "Will you be back for…" But Ennis had already gone.
Ennis saddled up one of the loaned horses, a chestnut bay, and guided her up the trail that ran behind the cabin…although "trail" was a charitable description. He didn't know where he was going, he just craved the solitude. As always, when things were difficult, some primal urge in his gut just screamed at him to run, run away, stay silent, and find a cave to fester in. He didn't really want to, but right now the urge was too strong for him. He didn't know how to handle this situation and he was afraid of making some kind of awful mistake with it and not being able to take it back.
He followed the trail until it opened out into a small campsite, set high in a meadow with a view of the bay and Lake Champlain beyond that literally made him gasp. How had they never found this place before? It would be a perfect spot to camp for a night. Sometimes he and Jack got nostalgic for huddling in a tent, sleeping outdoors, cooking over a campfire. It put them in mind of Brokeback, and there wasn't nothing quite like having sex under the stars, being naked among the night breezes, letting God get a good long look at what you were doing and daring him to smite you down as a sinner…and then laughing in relief when you remained unsmote. Ennis, atop his horse, looked around and made a note of where he was.
Have to tell Jack. We c'n bring our campin' gear next time we're up, and we can come out here'n…we c'n…
He suddenly remembered why he was out riding alone and the thought got lost inside his head, drowned out by other, noisier thoughts. He dismounted and tied his horse to a tree, then walked out across the small meadow until he came to a sharp dropoff to the lakeshore below. It put him in mind of the high meadow at home, a bit. Woodsier, of course.
He sat down heavily on the edge of the dropoff, drawing his knees up. Nothing more to distract himself. No horse to guide, no camping plans to make, no thoughts of home. Just him, and the knowledge of what Jack had done, and the inability to keep himself from feeling just how much it fuckin' hurt.
Ennis let his head fall to his knees and cried, not even bothering to chide himself for being such a little girl, just let himself go unchecked like no man had ever told him that only sissy boys cry…nor beat him because he couldn't help himself.
When he returned to the cabin, several hours later, Jack was chopping firewood. Ennis put away the horse and walked quietly down the path from the stable to the cabin, hearing the rhythmic swish and chop of the axe. He peered around the corner of the path.
Jack already had a sizable pile of chopped wood. How much wood did he think they needed? But Ennis supposed he needed something to keep himself occupied. He knew the feeling.
Jack had stripped down to his t-shirt, an uneven tree of sweat painting it darker between his shoulder blades. Ennis watched him for a moment. The pull and flex of the muscles in his back, his arms bulging as he swung the axe over his shoulder. The narrow strip of his back that peeked out when he bent to grab another log to split.
Ennis rolled his eyes. You're s'posed t'be sore at him, not eyeballin' him and gettin' a fuckin' boner in the meantime, he chided himself. For god's sake, get yourself under control. You ain't no randy young buck no more, y'know.
He watched until Jack put down the axe and stacked the cut wood by the back door. He wiped his arm across his brow and then headed back into the cabin, pulling his gloves off. Ennis slipped out from the tree cover and followed him. He eased the door open, quietly, and listened. He could hear the shower running.
Ennis only hesitated a moment before heading for the bedroom, kicking off his shoes.
Jack stepped under the spray, smelling the bright copper tang of his own sweat. Think you chopped enough wood, rodeo? he heard Ennis say. If another Ice Age descends, we'll be all set. It hadn't mattered how much firewood they did or didn't need. It just felt good to chop, to rend the wood into bits and feel the bite of the axe slice the logs stem to stern, to see the pale halves split open and fall apart, exposing their naked flesh-colored centers that had never felt the air before.
He shut his eyes and let the water, as hot as he could stand it, hit the top of his head and sluice down his back. His mind had been pleasantly blank while he worked, but now it was trying to make up for it by assaulting him with thoughts.
He was about 95 sure that Ennis wasn't going to actually leave him. But 95 was a long was from 100, and that little window was more than large enough to admit awful thoughts of one of them having to buy the other one out, splitting up the ranch, somebody moving, saying goodbye or even not saying goodbye, of looking around and wondering who the hell he was without Ennis, and what he had to live for.
Where's he been all day? It was almost dark. Actually, he knew where Ennis was, just not the specific location. He'd gone off somewhere on his own to brood. Jack had done his best to train this tendency towards solitary fugue out of him, but hadn't been totally successful. His first instinct was still to withdraw. Still, they'd come so far that it was disappointing.
Two years previously, Francie had fallen terribly ill with pneumonia, to the point where her doctors actually began to wonder if she'd recover. Alma had insisted that Ennis stay where he was and not try to come to Wyoming, because something might happen while he was in the air and unreachable, so he'd paced around the house for days until his daughter recovered. Jack had been in the office when Ennis got the initial news, and Ennis had come directly from the phone call to tell him, his eyes full of fear and helplessness, and Jack had given him what comfort he could, all the while he was trying to conceal his glee that Ennis had actually come straight to him instead of going into his shell.
He leaned against the side of the shower stall. Damn, Ennis. I need you right now. We gotta talk about this, you know. I wanna get to the make-up sex. Given how good it is after our usual dust-ups, I can't imagine what it might be like after this. His mind showed him an image of Ennis, naked in bed, looking up at him with that secret bedroom look, the look that was just for him, that dark glance from underneath short eyelashes that said "see anything you like, rodeo?" Well, I sure as hell ain't seein' that look nor likely gettin' any in the foreseeable future, he thought with resignation. Might as well. He grasped himself and let his eyes fall closed, starting up that familiar pull-slide motion.
He was just getting a good rhythm going when the shower curtain was pulled back. He jumped and turned around with a startled squawk. Ennis was standing there, naked. For a split second, his heart leapt for joy that he'd been forgiven already…but then he got a look at his eyes. That twinkle wasn't there, his usual "hey, rodeo" look of easy familiarity. He still looked guarded and careful. No, whatever this was, it wasn't the make-up sex. Ennis glanced down at him. "C'n I help you with that?" he said.
Jack just stared at him. Ennis climbed into the shower stall, easing up behind him, and slipped one arm around him while his other hand held Jack's hip. Jack didn't lean back, as he normally would have done. It just didn't feel like that would have been welcome. So he stood there as Ennis jacked him, but it wasn't the same. Normally Ennis would kiss his neck while he did this, and embrace him with his other arm, and nuzzle into his shoulder. This felt like an obligation. Ennis was just being a considerate partner and taking care of him before he did what he'd come here to do, probably. Jack shut his eyes and pictured more intimate situations, dredging up more erotic memories, but reality was too intrusive.
He shoved Ennis's hand away. "No, that ain't workin'," he mumbled.
"What's your problem?"
He turned. "You wanna fuck me, Ennis? Go right ahead! Don't feel you gotta be nice and get me off first, okay? You wanna bang me senseless? Take it all out on my ass? You earned that right, I reckon. Just do it. But I cain't abide no robotronic handjobs, see? It's supposed to feel better when you do it than when I do it myself!"
Ennis was breathing hard. "Is that so?"
"Yeah!"
"You just want me to fuck you, then?"
"Said so, didn't I?"
"You got it, bud," Ennis snapped, and grabbed him. Jack gasped as Ennis yanked him close, turned them both half around and pushed him roughly up against the side of the shower stall. Jack's hands scrabbled at Ennis's wet shoulders as Ennis half-lifted him, pushing his hips against Jack's, his mouth devouring the flesh of Jack's neck and shoulders.
Jack grabbed him by the hair and yanked his head back so he could get to his mouth. He sealed his lips over Ennis's and all but forced them apart. Ennis's hands were gripping big handfuls of his ass, lifting him up as Jack was always amazed he was able to do, seeing as Jack outweighed him by about fifteen pounds. "Christ, Ennis," he gasped, feeling Ennis's erection sliding between his legs as his own was pressed between their stomachs.
He heard Ennis say his name, but it hardly sounded like a word. More like a growl, a warning sound to others…Stay away. Mine. He flipped him around, turning them again to face the back of the stall, and bent him halfway over. Jack barely had time to brace his hands against the wall before Ennis thrust into him, surprising a hoarse cry out of his throat. After that, there wasn't much to do but hang on, try not to inhale shower water while gasping for breath, and try not to slip and fall on the slick floor when his vision swam with arousal.
Eventually they made it to the bedroom for round two, soaking wet and dampening the sheets beneath them while the bed walked steadily away from the wall and their shouts echoed through the cabin, the surrounding woods, and in the ears of their nonexistent neighbors.
Finally, it was over. Jack felt like he had fingermarks and suck marks all over himself, and was glad he didn't have to show his face…or his neck…around the ranch for the next few days. He lay on his back, spent and panting, his hair sticking up at odd angles, and stared at Ennis's back where he sat facing away on the edge of the bed. He saw his own fingernail marks on it.
Ennis stood up and pulled on his drawers and jeans. "Y'know, this don't change nothin'," he finally said.
Jack sighed. "I didn't think it did."
Ennis pulled on a shirt and walked around the bed to the door. He paused and took one look back, then went out to the great room. Jack turned on his side and pushed his face into the pillow so that the dampness from the shower would hide the marks of his tears.
When Jack woke up the next morning, Ennis was already gone. Fuck, he thought. Ain't gonna make much progress with the whole reconciliation plan if he ain't never here. He got up and dressed with a resigned sigh.
After the shower escapade, they'd eaten dinner in silence, then watched the news on the only channel they could get on this TV. Ennis had disappeared somewhere for an hour or so, Jack could only imagine where, and he'd gone to bed before his return. He'd hoped for something, anything, that night, but Ennis had just climbed into bed and gone straight to sleep. Then again, maybe that was for the best. After their earlier adventures, he might be walking funny enough as it was.
Jack hung around the cabin for an hour or so, wondering if Ennis might return, but finally tired of it. Fuck him, he thought, irritated. He dug out the pole and tackle and went fishing off a flat granite outcropping that seemed tailor-made just for this purpose.
When he returned in the late afternoon, his creel bursting with fish, Ennis was there getting the coals ready on the barbecue. Jack frowned. "How'd you know I was bringin' fish back?"
Ennis just stared at him. "Well, the pole and tackle were gone. I didn't think you'd taken 'em along to go square dancin'."
"Oh. Right."
Half an hour later, they were sitting on the porch side by side, eating fish and hash browns, a bucket of beer between them.
"Stubbs told me that Al might be puttin' in his notice soon," Ennis said, breaking a long silence. It was just ranch business, but it was better than nothing.
"Yeah? Why's that?"
"Got himself a girlfriend, wants him to get a 'respectable' job," Ennis said, making sarcastic quotes in the air with his fingers. "So he's applyin' over at the water treatment plant."
"Guess we ain't respectable enough for his lady, then."
"Guess not."
Silence.
"Wonder if Lizzie got home okay," Jack said, taking his turn to broach a topic.
Ennis sniffed. "I'm sure she did."
"Y'think she'll be back t'visit?"
"I imagine so. She's got a whole book to write now. 'O course, she keeps threatenin' t'drag us down t'the city."
Jack snorted. "Yeah, we'd be a big hit at them swank New York cocktail parties in our cowboy boots, smellin' like manure." He smiled at the thought.
Silence.
"You work out everthin' with Alma, 'bout Junior?"
Ennis sighed. "Ain't nothin' t'work out. Junior's a grown woman, she c'n decide for herself. Alma cain't stop her. What's she gonna do, lock her in the basement? I already told her I'd pay for her plane ticket, and to have her things shipped out here."
Jack nodded. "We oughta call that contractor 'bout the bungalow. Might see 'bout finishin' off the basement while he's at it. Waste of space the way it is. Could be nice down there. Put in another bathroom, maybe a rec room, or another bedroom."
"Aw, what do we need all that room for? We got three bedrooms upstairs."
"Y'never know." The question brought another topic to Jack's mind, one that had been occurring to him since Bobby's death. He knew damned well that this was not the time to bring it up, but he couldn't stop himself. "Ennis?" he said, quietly.
Ennis turned his head slightly and cut his eyes to Jack's face. "Yeah?"
"Y'ever think about…well…family?"
Ennis turned back towards the bay. "I got a family. I got two girls."
The fact that Ennis had not included Jack himself among his family was not lost on him, but he didn't let it show. "I mean a family for us. I mean, I know we cain't…the regular way, but I was thinkin' maybe we could be foster dads."
"Foster dads?" Ennis said, his tone implying that this was a dubious plan at best.
"Sure. Lotsa kids in trouble, need a nice place t'get away from bad situations. Ranch'd be just the spot for 'em. Lotsa fresh air…exercise…" He trailed off, sensing Ennis turning to stone a few feet away. "Ennis, you got two daughters. I jus' lost my only child," he said, his voice catching. "And maybe I wasn't much of a dad, but I cain't just forget it, I…" He stopped short. He had no idea where he was going with this.
Ennis sighed. "You woke me last night," he said, quietly. "You were cryin' in your sleep. You were sayin' Bobby's name."
"Really?" Jack didn't remember this.
Ennis nodded. "'Bout broke my heart t'hear it. I wished I could reach inside and pull out that pain so's it wouldn't trouble you no more." He shifted in his seat, harrumphing. "Jack, ain't no state gonna give no foster kids to a couple queer ranchers what cain't even sort themselves out," he said, sharply. Jack said nothing. Ennis got up. "I'm goin' for a walk," he muttered, heading down the steps.
Jack stood. "How we s'posed t'sort it out when you won't stick around long enough t'talk about nothin'?" he asked.
Ennis paused, then turned halfway around. "Jack, I ain't ready t'talk about it."
"I don't give a shit. We are gonna talk about it, whether you like it or not."
"I ain't the one fucked someone else!" Ennis exclaimed. "So the way I see it, I get to say when we talk about it and when we don't."
"You're just gettin' off on makin' me suffer," Jack said. "You know damn well I'm sittin' here twiddlin' my thumbs, waitin' for you t'decide you're ready to hear what I got t'say."
"Yeah, well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time," Ennis said. "I just gotta do things in my own way, Jack. I'm askin' you t'respect that." Without another word, he set off into the purple evening.
Jack sat down hard, blowing air through his teeth, and watched Ennis disappear into the dense woods.
Ennis didn't come back for several hours. It was full dark by then, and Jack was lying on the great room floor in front of the fire, his head propped on a pillow. Ennis walked in, hesitated, and then joined him. He sat cross-legged to one side, closer to the fireplace so all Jack could see was his back. Jack sat up, but didn't move any nearer.
"Talk," Ennis said.
Jack took a deep breath, wondering if all his rehearsals would go for naught. "Let me try and explain," he began.
"I ain't interested in excuses."
"Who said anything about excuses? Things happen for reasons, and reasons ain't excuses. I ain't askin' t'be excused. I fucked up, and you oughta know why, and what it meant, and what it didn't mean." He took Ennis's silence as a signal to continue. "It wasn't her. Not at all. You know I don't love her. Hell, I never loved her, I always loved you. But he was our child, and that's a connection cain't never be broken. Not even when that child's dead." Jack took a moment. "What L.D. done was so awful neither of us could believe it. Callin' him out on it…I felt like we was Bobby's parents again, maybe for the last time. Maybe for the first time. We was doin' right by him like we hadn't done before." He had to pause and wipe at his eyes again, collecting himself before continuing. "After he was gone, she jus' broke down, and so did I. It was jus' us, and Bobby was really gone. She was the only person feelin' what I was feelin', and I knew what I done to her, and to Bobby, and then…suddenly we were just…" He sighed. "I don't know what came over me. I don't know why it just carried me away. It was like my las' chance t'touch Bobby, through her." He sighed.
Ennis cleared his throat. "What did…what did it feel like?"
Jack frowned. "What d'you mean?"
"Did it feel…good?" His question was almost fearful, and understanding came to Jack in a flash.
"Y'mean, did it feel better? Better than you'n me?" Ennis could only give a curt nod. "Jesus, that what you think? No! 'O course not! Ennis, nothin' ever felt as good t'me as bein' with you, and nothin' ever will." He wasn't sure, but he thought he detected a slight relaxing of Ennis's back, the only part of him he could see. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but the time wasn't right for that yet. "I didn't do this 'cause I'd been missin' female company. I did it 'cause I was wrecked and stupid and I grabbed the only thing I had, the only familiar thing, and that was her. Minute it was over all I wanted was t'take it back, and only reason I didn't tell you right away was 'cause I was so Godalmighty scared 'o losin' you that I couldn't see straight."
Ennis was nodding. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "Listen, bud. I ain't gonna say much 'bout this now. I don't rightly trust myself to say the right thing. I get that you was in a bad way. Ain't no surprise there, after Bobby. I get that you couldn't share it with nobody but Lureen, that's only right, you both bein' his parents 'n all. Ain't no one else'd really understand how it felt for you. What I cain't get is you givin' her what you said you'd only give me."
Jack nodded. "I know."
"Didn't we make some promises, you 'n me? Didn't we agree to a few things?"
"We did."
Ennis turned then, so Jack could see his face. "You went back on your word t'me, Jack. You 'n me done our share 'o vow-breakin', and I know neither of us is proud of it, but I thought we was done with that when we left our wives." He dropped his eyes. "You been through a lot this past week. I wanna be there t'help you through it. But it's damn hard when all I c'n see is you bein' with her with my ring on your damn finger."
Jack scooted a little closer. "Are we gonna be okay?" he murmured, afraid of the answer.
Ennis met his eyes and held his gaze for a long time. Finally, he sighed and stood up. "I'm goin' t'bed," he said, sounding very tired.
Jack sat in front of the fire for a long time before he finally did the same.
Ennis was gone again when Jack woke up, but he could hear sounds in the cabin. He jumped out of bed and dressed in a hurry, yanking his boots on over bare feet.
He found Ennis outside, putting bags into the truck. "Oh, good, you're up," Ennis said. "Was gonna wake you."
"Are we leaving?"
Ennis came around the truck to stand before him. "No. I am."
Jack blinked. "You're…you're what?"
"I'm gonna go on over to Plattsburg for a spell."
"You're going to Plattsburg?"
"You know Dave Tomlinson's been after me t'come up and take a look at his operation. He says he's got a coupla hands might make good foremen, and we gonna be in the market for a new one 'afore too long. Y'know Stubbs is gettin' too old. I'm gonna stay a few days, maybe a week, help Dave make some changes, get t'know them hands a bit." Ennis looked at the ground, his hands on his hips. "I called Marianne, and she said she'd drive up and get you when you're ready t'go home."
"I don't want to go home, I want to come with you." A shrill, terrified voice had taken up a litany in the back of Jack's brain, a nonstop repeating screech of he's leaving you he's leaving you he's leaving you he's leaving…
Ennis took a step closer. "Jack? Look at me. Listen." Jack met Ennis's eyes. "I ain't leavin' you, y'hear? Even if I wanted to, which I don't, I couldn't. I couldn't stand it. Besides, I told you I was in it for good, better or worse, y'might say, and I aim to keep t'that." He looked away, off towards the bay, his jaw working. "I ain't gonna lie. What you done hurt me a lot. More'n I'll ever let y'know, I reckon. But I'll get over it. I ain't got no choice. I tried t'picture havin' a life without you in it and it damn near made me puke. Couldn't even keep the thought in m'mind."
"So…why are you…"
"I need a little time, bud. I spent mos' 'o this time up here thinkin' 'bout it. You know I ain't like you. I cain't feel things 'n just know what they are, and know how t'explain 'em. I ain't smart about that like you are. Hell, half the time, I don't know what the hell I'm feelin' till you let me know. But I figured it a bit. It ain't pretty. It's a big mess 'o being hurt, and 'o course jealous, and also sad for you, 'cause 'o Bobby, and it's hard to separate that out. Thing is, I know that anytime now, I'm gonna start bein' mad. I c'n feel it, waitin', and it's a powerful big thing. When that happens I'd like to be somewheres else, so I cain't do or say nothin' I cain't take back."
The news that Ennis was leaving was smothering Jack's elation that he was, apparently, ready to forgive him. "Ennis, I sure wish you wouldn't go. I feel like now's we need t'stick together, more 'n ever."
"This ain't for keeps. It's jus' for a little while. I jus'…" He held up his hands in a peacemaking gesture. "I jus' cain't be around you right now."
"This ain't fair. You tell me you ain't leavin' me, but before you'll forgive me you're just gonna desert me for awhile so's I'm good 'n sorry when you get back."
Ennis sighed. "Goddammit, this ain't about you."
"My son just died. Maybe it oughta be."
"Well, Jack, if you hadn't fucked Lureen, I'd be delighted to give you as much comfort as I got in me. Things're tough all over. You wanna talk fair? None of this is fair. That boy 'o yours oughtn't be gone, I oughtn't be feelin' like a stake's clear through my chest and you oughtn't be left alone in your time 'o grief. We all got needs, well…this is what I need."
"T'be far away from me, y'mean."
"No. You're what I need, dummy. I'm goin' away for a spell so's I c'n have us back the way it was. So you best let me get on with it." Jack was at a loss for further argument. He stood back as Ennis tossed his Thermos into the front seat, then started to get in. He hesitated, turned back and crossed to where Jack was still standing, struck dumb. He reached out, took Jack's face in his hands and kissed him, a slow and penetrating kiss that spun out for a long moment. He drew back and sighed. "I love you," he said. "If I didn't, this shit wouldn't feel so bad."
Jack watched as Ennis went back to the truck, got in, and drove away, swallowed almost at once by the dense trees, leaving Jack feeling like the last man on earth.