Ritsu was not a fan of drugs.
He had never done any and he didn't plan to. You didn't have to have tried something to know that you wouldn't like it. To know that it wouldn't be a good idea. A terrible idea, actually, not that it took that much thought. He was deep in enemy territory. The last thing he needed was to get kidnapped, captured, brainwashed, maybe even killed. Never coming home…that wasn't an option. Ritsu couldn't afford to let his guard down.
No matter how nervous he was.
"You sure you don't want some?" asked Sho as he lit the end of a joint. Shimazaki had said that he could have some…and some other things, but he was going to stick to this. Everything else made him feel really bad afterwards, especially the molly in his desk. He didn't want to feel bad tomorrow…any worse than he was going to feel.
What went up had to come down.
"No thanks." Said Ritsu, holding his hand up. He didn't want anything to do with that. He had to keep his guard up. A Claw member had been here, an actual Claw member…one of Sho's friends…but that had been way too close. Ritsu was still in enemy territory. He couldn't let himself get kidnapped or captured or…or worse.
And anyway drugs were bad for you.
"Are you sure?" asked Sho, waving the joint back and forth. Ritsu batted it away….Sho didn't get it. Sometimes you felt bad when you did this but sometimes you felt good. It was good, too, for when you knew something was going to hurt later. Like getting your heart ripped out and then kicked around like a soccer ball. Like when the person you loved had to go, to leave. It was kind of like…sort of like it didn't even matter. If it was going to hurt later then…then what was the point?
He needed this, maybe, more than Ritsu did.
"I'm sure. We're twelve, we shouldn't be smoking anything….especially not that." Said Ritsu. Sho actually smoked the thing. Ritsu waved the smoke away. That smelled terrible. Anything that smelled that bad could not be good for you.
"Sorry. I forgot that you didn't like this kind of stuff." Said Sho as he put the joint down on the dresser. Right. Right. Right. Ritsu was a normal kid and normal kids…if they didn't do this then how did they deal with it when things hurt? When your feelings were all just…bad? Ritsu just sat down on the bed like it was nothing. Like…like every second that ticked by wasn't another second close to when they would be apart.
"It's not that I don't like it, I just think that it would be a bad idea for me to smoke that." Said Ritsu as he sat down on the bed. Sho immediately threw himself down on the bed next to him. It bounced and creaked…smelled weird. This whole apartment did. Just like what Sho had been smoking….
How could anyone live like this?
"Why not?" asked Sho as he sat down on Shimazaki's bed. It smelled nice here…but Ritsu smelled nicer. Like sunscreen and himself. He didn't like sunscreen…but he liked it on Ritsu. He liked everything about Ritsu. He liked…he loved Ritsu…but he was going to have to leave Ritsu. He was just…just supposed to go back to his own life after this…
How?
"Because I don't want to get kidnapped again." Said Ritsu with a shrug.
"That's what you're worried about?" asked Sho
"You say that like I'm crazy. I'm not." Said Ritsu. He knew what Teru thought of him, that he was overly paranoid, and even Reigen thought so…and Reigen had gotten kidnapped with him! He didn't know how he was supposed to get back to normal. That was what Reigen had said. They had to work on getting back to normal after what had happened…he was going to end up driving himself crazy. Teru thought that he was already crazy…well he wasn't crazy.
He was prepared.
"I never said that you were. You're not crazy, believe me. I know crazy people. Hell, my Dad's a crazy person!" said Sho
"You're going to tell me that it's crazy that I'm worried about the people who are trying to KILL me. I know you are." Said Ritsu
"I wasn't going to say that. It's not crazy to be afraid of Claw. You should be afraid of Claw. Believe me, I know…I know." said Sho. He rubbed his arm. It was hot in here…but he wasn't going to take his coat off and show Ritsu just why he should have been afraid of Claw. That would have just freaked him out…
And Sho didn't want to lose any time with Ritsu. There was so little of it as it was.
"Then what's so weird about me being worried?" asked Ritsu
"I didn't mean that you shouldn't have been scared, you should be, I just meant that you don't have to worry about being captured and stuff." Said Sho
"Yes. I do." Said Ritsu
"No, you don't. You know that I would never let anything happen to you." said Sho before he leaned in and kissed him. There. It was hardest, the first one, even though that hadn't been their first one. It was because he never saw Ritsu, he figured, that it always felt like their first kiss all over again. All warm and swimmy like his insides were full of goldfish. The second one was just as swimmy but less…surprising?
Surprising.
That was it. The feeling of it…he pulled away from Ritsu. He had to. He needed to breathe, to take a break, to get to that second kiss. The second kiss was easier than the first. The third was even easier than the first two. Then the fourth…there could be a fourth. He was all alone, here, with Ritsu…with the person he loved.
Or at least liked more than he had ever liked anyone in his entire life.
"Th-that was pretty good…" said Ritsu as Sho pulled away from him. He smiled. That was all he let himself do. He was shaking a little. His body and his aura. He swallowed. This was…that hadn't been his first kiss. It had just felt like it. It always felt like the first one whenever he was with Sho. Probably because he loved Sho or whatever. It was always better with someone you loved. Teru had said that and, even if Ritsu didn't like to admit it, Teru knew more about these things than he did.
"Yeah….we practiced a lot…before." Said Sho. He was kind of dizzy…maybe because he was so red. That happened when too much blood went to your head. Some people would even blush so hard that their noses bled. Emmy had told him about that, how the anime nosebleed thing came from that…why had his mind come to something like that? Emmy…he had been such an asshole…but he wasn't going to be an asshole now. Not to Ritsu.
Never, ever, to Ritsu.
"We, uh, we did…." Said Ritsu. Now he was as red as Sho was, he could feel it. Why? It wasn't like he hadn't known about all the times they kissed. He had been there. Maybe it was because he never talked about it. That must have been it. Teru always told him about when he kissed a new girl, which was often, but Ritsu never kissed anyone new. It wasn't like he could talk to Teru about Sho, either. They'd just end up fighting. Teru would just end up saying that Ritsu was a hypocrite.
He wasn't.
Teru had nearly gotten himself captured or worse. He hadn't taken the time to actually think about if he could trust Sho's sister. She was deep in Claw, even Sho had said so, and there was no way that she was on their side. Teru should have taken the five seconds to talk to her before he went and kissed her…and all of that other stuff that Ritsu didn't like to talk about. To hear Teru bragging about. He'd nearly gotten kidnapped but, no, all he could think about was the fact that he'd done it with a girl.
So?
People did that all the time. That was how new people came into the world. It wasn't like it was special or anything. If Ritsu had been in Teru's place he would have kept his mouth shut, and not just because he had nearly gotten honey trapped. It was just kind of…private. That was a good word for it. Ritsu would have been there, he would have known that it had happened, and he wouldn't have had to prove it to anyone. It was just such a weird thing to brag about.
He didn't get it.
He laced his fingers in Sho's. He didn't get why he would have wanted to prove this to anyone. To prove that he had a boyfriend. To prove that someone loved him. To prove that he had a boyfriend. He knew that he had Sho and…and it would have been nice, though, to have actually been able to be with him. Out on dates and stuff. The kind of fake stuff that he and Teru did. It would have been nice to have been able to just…hold hands with Sho in the park or have sleepovers with him or…or maybe just sit outside together and not have to worry about being kidnapped or killed or whatever. It would have been so nice. He could almost see it.
He closed his eyes.
He could nearly see it. Just…being able to be with Sho. To be normal. As normal as he could be. People were jerks, he didn't know why they were jerks but they were jerks. Why did it matter to other people if he was gay? It wasn't like he was into them. People were going to be complete and total jerks…and that was just how it was going to be…but at least he and Sho could be together.
When all of this was over.
"So…uh…did you like…Universal?" asked Sho. He had to say something. He just…felt like he had to say something. Ritsu had been looking at him and then he closed his eyes and he got this look on his face and…and Sho had to say something! Wait…had he asked that already? He couldn't think. He reached for his joint. It had gone out.
Though maybe it wouldn't have helped.
"I was barely there." Said Ritsu, pulled back to his side. He shrugged. He didn't really care. Seeing Sho was the best thing that could have happened to him.
"Uh…yeah…right. Sorry. I forgot about that. I just worried about you, that's all…when I dragged you out I mean." Said Sho quickly
"When you dragged me all the way here?" asked Ritsu. His legs were still sore. He hadn't known that it was even possible for a person to run this far…but he had. At the time it hadn't even felt like running, more like flying. Probably because he had been with Sho. He always felt like he was flying when he and Sho were together. Maybe that was what love felt like.
"Oh course I was worried then! You could have gotten captured and then my Dad would have known and…and I might not have been able to protect you and shit! I mean and stuff! I mean…you know what I mean." Said Sho
"I do…and thanks for protecting me…nobody protects me. I mean it feels like that sometimes." Said Ritsu softly. Sho squeezed his hand. Ritsu looked up. Sho leaned forward…close enough to kiss him…but they didn't kiss.
It was kind of disappointing.
"Well, yeah, you're a lot more powerful than that other guy you're friends with. How in the hell is he supposed to protect you? He should be worried about protecting himself." Said Sho lowly. He was a little brother and a brother's job was to protect his sister. That included killing or beating up the guy who broke her heart. But she had told him not too…but he still should have done it. He was still her little brother. He had to keep her safe…
But how could he keep her safe if she specifically told him not to?
"Yeah, he should. It's like, sometimes, he doesn't care. He's been kidnapped before but Reigen got to him, I think. Reigen kept on telling me, after it happened, that we have to move forward and stuff like that. I don't want to move on, that's the thing. If I move on then I'll let my guard down and then…and then I don't know what's going to happen." Said Ritsu
"You know what's going to happen." Said Sho
"I'll end up brainwashed…or maybe even dead." Said Ritsu
"No, I'll save you. I mean it's not like anyone's going to keep it to themselves if they ever catch you…and actually I'm not even sure if they're still looking for you. Big Sis not to look for other esper kids but then Dad said yes and she said no and they keep on going back and forth…it's kind of confusing…but either way I'd find out and then save you. So you don't have to worry about stuff like that." Said Sho
"But what if you're not there? What if you're in another country or something?" asked Ritsu
"I'm not moving anymore. My sister's running Tokyo HQ now and I go where she goes…I mean I could go to Korea with Fukuda, I'm pretty sure he's either there or my old house, but I don't want to. I could go with my Dad too…but I'm never going to do that. He's a dickhole. He's a dickhole's dickhole." Said Sho
"Wait…so you live in Tokyo now? All the time?" asked Ritsu. That was good. He could visit Sho. He could sneak out of the house and then onto a train and then…Claw owned Tokyo…but it was a big city. They could find some place to hide and then they could just hang out or…or something. Just be together on a date or something. Be normal or something.
As normal as they could have been.
"Yeah, kind of. I mean I live wherever I want but we're in Tokyo now. I mean until…stuff happens." Said Sho. Stuff was going to happen. Sho knew it. Dad had been recruiting like crazy. Pretty much every single Claw house was full, the Divisions were full of Awakened and Awakened soldiers, and everyone was bothering Big Sis trying to be the spot for the uprising. It was going to happen soon and Sho…he hadn't made any progress…
He didn't want to think about…about stuff right now. Right now it was just him and Ritsu.
"Does that mean that I can come and see you? Only if you want to, I mean!" said Ritsu
"I do…but it's not safe." Said Sho
"I don't care. Besides, you just said that you'd always be there to save me and…and I don't want to need to be saved but I want to be with you. I never know when I'm going to see you again. It's so…so random and…and sometimes I lay awake in bed and think about how the last time I saw you might have been the last time." Said Ritsu
"…I think about stuff like that too…but it'll get better once stuff is over. When I stop my Dad." Said Sho
"You have a plan?" asked Ritsu, leaning forward. This was perfect. If Sho had a plan then he could help, which was good because he had no idea how he and Teru could go up against the world. He and Sho on the other hand…he and Sho could go up against the world…and they maybe could win, too.
"…yeah. I do. I totally do." Said Sho. He had no plan. He had two other guys, maybe. That was it. He didn't even have his own sister…if Big Sis had been on his side then of course they would have won. She was stronger than Dad, he figured, and she was a lot nicer too. People liked her better. if she had wanted to then she could have just said that she was promoting herself to President and everyone would have agreed with her…but she was never going to be on his side.
She loved Dad too much.
"What is it?! Whatever it is I can help you! Please, just tell me how to help you. This is going to be great. We can stop Claw and then…and then we can do other stuff, I don't know! Just tell me and we'll figure it out." said Ritsu. He was even closer now. Close enough that he could count Sho's eyelashes…he had a lot of them. Ritsu had never noticed how thick his eyelashes were before…he had never noticed anyone's eyelashes before. Teru said that they were important…he kind of got it now…
Sho had such…pretty…eyes.
"My plan is…my plan is…um…" said Sho. He reached over and picked the joint up. He inhaled. He needed time to think…a lot of time. Too much time. Way too much time. He inhaled until his lungs hurt, until he couldn't breathe anymore. Until he just couldn't….he kept going. He kept going until he started coughing. Ritsu was still staring at him. He didn't even wave the smoke away.
"What's the plan?" asked Ritsu. He didn't know why Sho did that…and he didn't care. There was a plan. There was finally a plan!
"Um…I'm going to get more guys and….and my sister! I'm going to…to try and get her to our side…since people like her better. She loves our Dad but he's being a dick to her because she's going out with Shimazaki, I think she still is, I'm not sure…but anyway he's being a dickhole to her and she might not love him as much…and she's already the Vice President too so she can just make herself the President…or something. I don't know. You sure you don't want some of this? It's really good." said Sho as he held out the joint. Ritsu picked it up with his powers and put it back.
"That's your plan? Your sister?" asked Ritsu. He didn't know her…he didn't need to know her to know that this was a bad idea. Putting Claw under new management wouldn't fix it. They would still keep on kidnapping people and brainwashing them and they were still going to take over the world.
"Yeah. She's great-" said Sho
"That's just putting Claw under new management. That's not going to help." Said Ritsu
"Will too! My sister…she's nice. She's really nice. When we were kids I was a jerk…I hit her and stuff…but she never even yelled at me or hit me back. She's nice. She's nothing like our Dad…or our Mom. I don't know who she's like…but she's nice and…and I don't want to kill my Dad, ok!? I don't think that I could ever kill anyone and…and taking Dad down means killing him…and I can't do it…" said Sho
"Sho…" said Ritsu. He was freaking out now…Ritsu kind of got it. He didn't know if he could have killed his Dad…but his Dad wasn't crazy. Dad was kind of clueless sometimes, insanely embarrassing, and he never knew when to stop talking but he wasn't like Sho's Dad…it would have been different if he'd been like Sho's Dad.
At least that was what Ritsu told himself.
"I know that it's supposed to be easy. Shimazaki said so. He says that eventually it's not that much different from squishing a bug…but I don't like to squish bugs either. I mostly just let them go outside. I don't even just let them go, I make sure I take them to the garden. I just…I can't do it…and I know that Fukuda can't either…so don't make me." said Sho softly. Maybe he was just weak. Shimazaki hadn't been that much older than him when he'd killed his Dad…no. Sho had heard this story a million times before. Shimazaki had just let his Dad die…
Sho didn't know if he could have done that either.
He didn't love Dad…at least he was pretty sure that he didn't. Dad was an asshole, a dickhole, and crazy. So crazy that…that everything would have been better without him. Dad had made Mom leave, too, maybe. Sho would have left if he could have…if he had been Mom. But he couldn't leave. He couldn't leave his friends and his sisters…maybe it was like Dad had always said. Maybe he was just weak like Dad had always said.
If he had been stronger then it wouldn't have even been…been anything to think about. He would have just done it already.
"I'm not going to make you do that. I…I like you too much to make you do that..." said Ritsu. He didn't want them to fight. He wanted things to be ok. He wanted to remember this and smile, one of those good memories that kept him up at night, not one of the bad ones. He took Sho's hand in his…Ritsu knew that he could be kind of…intense, sometimes. That was a word he got from people sometimes.
One that he didn't want to get from Sho.
He used his powers to hand Sho his cigarette thing back. Sho took it and inhaled. It smelled terrible. Ritsu didn't get it…but he didn't get a lot of things. He didn't want to worry about things, understanding things. He just wished that he could have been in the moment or…or something. That he just couldn't be happy with Sho and stuff…happy here.
He was going to do his best.
"Thanks…sorry. This stuff kind of…sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it just kind of makes me all…like this." Said Sho. He didn't even try to pass him the joint that time. He put it back. He knew that Ritsu didn't want any and…and he didn't want Ritsu to feel like this. He wanted to feel better…so he was going to smoke until he felt better…
He shouldn't have had to feel better. He should have felt good right now.
"Then why do you even do it? It doesn't look like it's worth the risk." asked Ritsu. He knew that he wouldn't have risked it. He would have just kept on feeling bad, at least then he could predict the outcome. Unknows were just so…unknown. He hated them.
"Because I want to feel better. if I feel worse sometimes…then I can just keep going until I feel better." said Sho. He shrugged. Ritsu didn't get it…sometimes it felt like Ritsu would never get it…but he didn't want Ritsu to get it. He didn't want Ritsu to feel the way he delt right now. He didn't want anyone he liked to feel the way he felt right now.
Ritsu took his hand.
He felt like he could have floated away…he nearly did. He almost never lost control of his powers like Big Sis did. He didn't want to start….but it was hard. He had to force himself to stay on the bed. Ritsu was close. His back was to the wall. Ritsu was in front of him. He was stuck.
He didn't mind.
"Maybe…maybe I can make you feel better." said Ritsu. He leaned in and kissed Sho. He felt like Sho was going to float away…..or maybe Ritsu was the one who was floating away….he didn't know if he would have minded. If he floated away from this place, away from his life, to a better place where he could just be happy…it would have been great…
But he didn't float away.
He just felt like it. He just felt…he couldn't remember the last time he had ever felt this good. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be on drugs, or to drink, or to smoke. Heady and light…he could have gotten used to this. He wished that he'd had the time to get used to this. But he didn't. He didn't have the time. He had to get back to Mom and Dad and Teru…and soon, before Teru stopped covering for him. He didn't even know what time it was…maybe it was time to go…he'd check later. When he was done. When they were done. He didn't care if he got in trouble. He just wanted to be here, with Sho. Just doing this…kissing…
He was a fan.