MAJOR CONTENT WARNING. DRUG USE, REFERENCES TO ANGEL'S PAST ABUSE, AND SO MUCH EMOTIONAL WHUMP AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
"One thing I've learned is it's better to be addicted to things than people. You get hooked on a thing and if someone takes it from you, you can find another source. Only people can really hurt you. Only people can push you out into the cold permanently."
A.M. Riley
Angel hunched over the bathroom countertop as he glared at his own exhausted reflection in the mirror. He palmed a half-filled bag of powder in one of his lower hands and twirled an old credit card in the opposite.
Bad nights were a lot rarer than they used to be. Angel honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd overdosed since moving in with Pentious (though just because he was using less often didn't mean he wasn't keeping a stash of powder hidden away).
Pent had never been a fan of his drug of choice, but the snake had also never kicked up a huge stink about it either which Angel was insanely grateful for.
Angel frowned as he thought of his absent lover, spilling a small mountain of loose PCP on the counter before cutting the pile into little neat lines. He'd stick to three tonight. No more.
Just three.
Sometimes he just wanted to get high for fun, snorting a coupla lines to go partying with Cherri or before he got on stage. But more often, he reached for it when bad memories surfaced, nights where no amount of distraction could keep him grounded and he just needed to sink away from his mind and body for a while.
Tying off the bag, Angel left the bathroom to go and bury the stash back inside his underwear drawer, hiding it beneath a mess of panties, thongs, and boxer briefs. He stared down at the tangled fabric for a moment before heaving a heavy sigh and shutting the drawer.
Regardless, he always did his best to keep it out of Pent's sight. Not that his boyfriend didn't know what he was doing, but it'd be so much worse if it was out in the open. The last thing he wanted was for something like this to ruin one of the best things he'd ever had. He'd been an addict since he started smoking at 12, but things only escalated as the weight of his problems grew. Nicotine wasn't enough to keep him calm through panic attacks and alcohol didn't wipe away the pain.
It was only when he was floating that he could pull away from the beatings, the rapes, the torture and forget who he was for a bit. He could just exist in a wave of muted sensation with nothing pinning him in place aside from gravity.
He could sink underwater without ever worrying about drowning.
Bad nights were rare now that he was able to take comfort in the thick tail that wrapped itself around him atop the silk sheets. But just because he had a loving heartbeat under his own didn't mean that the bad nights went away...
His greatest fear was that they never would.
The worst times were when Pent left for extended periods. It was rare that either of them would be out of the house for longer than a couple of days, but occasionally Pent was gone for a week or longer, leaving Angel with just Nuggets and the eggboiz as company when he wasn't working at the Hotel or a club. Sometimes Cherri would stay over and they'd make a party of it, getting fucked up and binging anything from trash TV to cheap horror-flicks. Other times, it was just him.
And it shouldn't have been a problem. He'd lived alone for nearly his entire damn afterlife, but now he had this comfort that he never knew he needed (that he craved) and it felt like going through withdrawals.
Angel tousled his hair as he dragged himself back to the bathroom where the lines were prepped and waiting, three perfect snowy rows against the stark pink countertop.
Pentious' presence, his fucking love, was as much of an addiction as PCP. Long flirty text chains and night-time phone calls weren't always enough to fill the gap that the snake left when he was away.
Fuck, Angel was a grown ass man. He shouldn't be so damn codependent on his partner, but here he was, feeling completely empty as he glared at his own reflection in the mirror and tapped the worn credit card against the edge of the marble.
Wipe your face an' stop bein' a goddamn pansy. We gotta job ta do, Tony.
Why the fuck are ya cryin' you stupid faggot? Keep that shit up and I'll give ya somethin' ta cry about.
Oh Angel Cakes...you're so pretty when you cry...
Angel chewed his lip and then leaned down, pressing one nostril closed as he snorted the first line in a clean sweep. He let out a groan as he straightened up, his lower hands gripping the counter tight as his upper set clawed through the tangled fringe that hung over his eyes. In the absence of his lover's gentle touch, he at least had powder. Wasn't the greatest tradeoff, but better than nothing.
Infinitely better than letting this shit pick at his heart like a coupla starved vultures.
He felt something nudge his foot and Angel glanced down, seeing Nugs holding their pink leash in their mouth. He sighed and reached down, clumsily petting his pig's soft ears. "Hey baby, daddy's gettin' his fix right now. Why don'tcha get some of the boiz ta walk ya, huh?" He stood again and Nugs sat down, still staring up at him expectantly as they chewed on the leash. Angel frowned and then sighed, shaking his head as he snorted the second and third line. Instantly he felt a dizzying wave hit him and Angel held tight to the counter to keep himself steady as he repeatedly blinked to clear his vision.
There we go...
Giving his reflection a dopey smile, Angel's lower hands dropped, adjusting the collar of the green robe he'd stolen from Pent's side of the walk-in closet. It was a little loose in the shoulders, but he didn't care if he looked sloppy in his own damn home. Besides, it wasn't like anyone was gonna see him like this aside from the dumb lil' eggs.
If he wanted to wear his boyfriend's fucking clothes, who the hell was gonna stop him?
Angel straightened and languidly posed with both sets of arms coming up to tuck behind his head and back respectively, sticking his tongue out at the mirror. Fuck, even tired and hungover he was still hot as shit.
Angel laughed and then began running his lower hands up and down his trim sides, playfully squeezing his pert breasts through the robe. "Like whatcha see?" he teased, sniffling a little from the residual burn in his nostrils. He toyed with the belt of the robe and licked his lips. "Ain't nothin' I can't handle, baby."
I shoulda let Artie handle this shit in the first place. Fuckin' worthless fag.
Angel's smile fell as his father's words cut through the haze, as loud and clear as they'd been on the day they were spat into his face after a botched factory arson.
I don't wanna hear any fuckin' excuses, ya hear? You had one goddamn job and you're lucky your brother was there ta clean up your mess.
Angel dug his nails into the counter as his legs shook underneath him. Why the fuck was it so hard for him to get any air? It felt like he was breathing through a damn straw.
No more fuck ups or I'll clip your scrawny ass myself.
His knuckles turned white and Angel hunched his shoulders, his back curving into a harsh unnatural bend over the pink marble. The credit card clattered to the floor next to him.
Nugs nudged his leg again and Angel flinched, roughly shoving the pig away with his foot. "I told ya, not now, Nuggies!" he growled, making the pig flinch and huddle against the bathroom wall, black eyes wide and scared as they stared up at the spider.
Angel immediately grimaced and then knelt down, offering his pet an open palm. Nugs slowly approached, sniffling his hand before licking it and Angel pet the pig's head. "Sorry baby…" He murmured in a soft voice. "Ya know how it is when yer papa ain't around."
He carefully scooped up his pet and turned to look back at himself in the mirror. Who the fuck was he kidding? He wasn't hot, he was a hot mess and all because his boyfriend was gone for a couple of days dealing weapons.
What did he even have to be upset about? He lived in a nice fucking house with an amazing idiot who actually gave a damn about him and got to make money doing the shit he loved. Sure, he'd had a shitty time of it before, but all of that nonsense was in the past. Nothing but ghosts…
Give the client what they paid for, baby. Don't fuck this up.
Angel squeezed his eyes shut as he pet down Nuggets' back spines.
Very loud ghosts...
His eyes slowly opened again and immediately flickered back down to the counter where some residual powder was scattered across the surface. Not enough for another line...and besides, he'd promised he was gonna stick to just the three.
"A true gentleman's word is binding."
Angel pursed his lips as Pent's words blew past the visage of Val's smarmy smirk, cutting through the fog of his high. He glanced down at Nugs who was snuffling against his breast and he let his shoulders slump. Pent was all about keeping promises and while Angel had never been much of an honest fella, he knew that reciprocation was part of the package in their relationship.
But three lines wasn't cutting it. Despite the haze, the voices weren't sinking to the back of his mind. Instead they sparked against the inside of his skull like firecrackers, singeing him with memories of shit he should have forgotten ages ago.
Good boys do as they're told. They listen when daddy tells them what to do. Are you a good boy, Angel Cakes? Are you going to be good?
Angel gritted his teeth as he set Nugs down and left the bathroom, storming past their king-sized mattress on his way to the door. Pent always kept the house stocked with booze, but the best (strongest) liquor was always locked away in the study with the snake's private collection. If anything could knock this shit outta his mind, it'd be the 140 proof.
Angel clung to the rail as he descended the steps to the second floor, entering the passcode for the snake's study and slamming the door into the opposite wall as soon as it unlocked.
Despite how prim and proper the room always looked, they'd fucked on the couch, floor, and desk more times than Angel could count. Of course, no one would ever know by looking at the immaculate study where every book was perfectly lined up against the shelf and all the snake's paperwork and designs were filed away in drawers or inside his desk. Still was nice to know that there wasn't a clean surface in here...not really anyway.
Angel ignored all of that and instead made a beeline for the liquor cabinet, frowning as he caught sight of the keypad on the front of the door. Fuck, what was the code for this one again?
Furrowing his brow, he tapped out what he could remember, only to see a flash of red after hitting CONFIRM. Angel rolled his eyes and tried again, only to receive the same result. "Oh come the fuck on!" he growled, trying a different code.
Red
I wouldn't have to punish you if you had just listened in the first place, baby. So let's make this easy, for the both of us.
Red
Pops was right. Jesus tap-dancin' christ...Is there anythin' you don't fuck up?
RED
If you're gonna be a fag, at least be a useful one.
"Just open up already!" Angel hissed, punching the door. The metal didn't bend, but he kept at it, punching the screen and frame with his top two hands until the knuckles were busted and bleeding. Panting, he lifted his head and looked around, catching sight of the desk. Maybe Pent had a manual key? There had to be some sort of backup in case the system failed, right?
Abandoning the cabinet, Angel began rifling through the desk, throwing out folders and papers in a frenzied pile behind him. When that produced nothing, he ripped the drawers from the desk itself, tossing them to the side and peeking his head inside the empty wooden slots.
Angel bit his lip and growled. He just wanted a damn drink! Why the fuck was his stupid boyfriend so obsessed with keeping everything under lock and key! Did he think Angel was gonna steal from him? Hadn't the last two and a half years been enough to prove that he was trustworthy?
You gotta earn this shit, Tony. No one's gonna give ya a free pass just cuz you're made.
Turning back to the liquor cabinet, Angel clenched all four of his fists and then left the room, returning with his favorite baseball bat. Pent could replace the damn cabinet, but he wasn't waiting another minute to get fucked up.
He couldn't listen to this bullshit all damn night.
Gripping the bat in his hands, Angel shifted his stance before taking a hard swing. The solid wood hit the metal, denting the front, but otherwise not budging the door. Snarling, Angel swung again, this time hitting the keypad and smashing the screen with a loud crack. It began to flash red, but Angel didn't stop, repeatedly hitting the box as hard as he could until his arms gave out and the bat swung loosely at his side.
You know daddy doesn't like it when you talk back, baby. Now how about you give me a nice pretty smile?
"C'mon..." Angel panted shallowly as he glared at the unyielding metal. "All ya need ta do is open. That's it."
The box, unsympathetic to his plight, simply sat there, still flashing that irritating pattern across the cracked front. Angel scowled and tossed away the bat, not caring as it hit the wall, leaving a dent and breaking a shelf. The support block immediately collapsed, sending an entire section of books tumbling to the floor in a heap on the rug.
"Ok, no more fuckin' games..." Angel groused, leaning down and bending his knees as he wrapped all four of his arms around the cabinet. It was a damn heavy box (not helped by his fatigue), but he managed to stand, wobbling slightly as he clung to the safe. "We're doin' this the hard way then."
He grunted and then slammed the box down onto the floor, hearing the bottles inside rattle noisily upon impact.
He leaned over and scowled.
The door was still closed.
This is your last fuckin' warnin'. I catch you again and it's curtains. Capice?
"Fuck off!" Angel snarled, finally at his wits end as he kicked the cabinet with his bare foot. Thanks to the powder, he barely felt the sting, but still drew blood from where his toenail caught the side of the metal frame and that only made him even more pissed off.
This time, he lifted the box and headed out of the study, stumbling a bit and leaning into the wall to keep upright as he made his way toward the stairs. "If this doesn't get ya ta open then we're gonna have a real fuckin' problem, pal..." Angel muttered to himself as he stopped at the top of the staircase, raising the box in shaking arms before dropping it over the rail.
The cabinet crashed into the middle of the foyer with a loud echoing bang, shaking the crystals of the blue chandelier overhead. Angel leaned over with a triumphant grin that disappeared just as quickly as it had manifested. The cabinet had opened all right and its contents were now smashed and scattered across the damaged hardwood in a million pieces of glass and splatters of miscellaneous alcohol.
Eggs came running in from both sides of the hall, their eyes going wide as they took in the debris before looking up to the top of the stairs. Angel shrank back, raising a hand to his mouth as shame choked him silent. "Are you ok, Sir Dust!?"
He gave a hesitant nod and watched as the eggs began to sweep the glass and mop up the liquor. Of course, it was all rather useless. Even if they managed to clean his mess, the floor was still ruined. They'd have to get the entire foyer redone and Pent would be so pissed when he found out what happened to all his expensive alcohol.
They hadn't even been in this house a damn year and here Angel was, ruining it.
He shuddered and stepped back from the rail, hugging himself as his heart pounded against his ribs.
Would Pent have him sleep on the couch or even send him back to the Hotel? Fuck, what if Pent finally realized there was no fixing this mess and that an eternity together would just lead to more of the same?
Angel sank down to the floor as the thoughts in his head spiraled out of control. When his ass hit wood, he pulled his knees tight to his chest, taking deep shuddering breaths as he wrapped all four arms around his shins. The floaty high was gone and now all he could feel was the pounding ache in his fists and foot, the exhaustion that weighed down his entire body, and the panic that threatened to suffocate him where he sat. The ghosts were silenced, but he was all the worse for their absence.
He was always at his worst when he was left alone in his head.
Angel hiccuped as he rocked back and forth on the floor. He had to leave. There was no way he could be here when Pentious got home. He wouldn't be able to handle seeing the other man so upset, looking down at him with the same cold hatred that used to fuel their battles.
Or worse, what if this was what made Pent finally pity him?
Whimpering, Angel felt hot tears erupt even as he buried his face against his bent kneecaps. He needed to get up, try and fix this, but how?
As he sobbed helplessly on the floor, he felt something soft touch his arm and he lifted his head, seeing Nuggets staring at him. Angel chewed his lip and then opened his arms and legs, pulling Nugs into his lap. "Daddy fucked up, baby..." he whispered as he pet the pig's head, letting Nuggets lick the salty tears from his cheeks.
He didn't deserve any of this. He was a worthless wreck of a person who'd invaded the life of a man who was used to a picturesque existence with a perfect wife who didn't get fucked up and throw destructive tantrums whenever she felt like a piece of shit.
It was only a matter of time before Pentious realized he'd been tricked into loving a worthless drug-addled whore. If this shit didn't wake him up to that fact then something else would.
A rainbow could only stretch so far across the sky...
Angel didn't realize he had passed out on the floor with Nuggets until a hand was shaking his shoulder. He jolted, bloodshot eyes snapping open to stare up at a tired looking Pentious. "Babe..." he breathed, swallowing as he took in his surroundings. The curtains were drawn and only a dim glow from the wall sconces was left to illuminate the dark hallway.
Pent wasn't supposed to be back for several more days, but Angel knew he hadn't been sleeping for that long.
...shit.
"Get up," Pent said, his tone curt, not leaving any room for argument as he straightened the cuff of one sleeve. Angel obeyed, slowly pushing himself onto his knees, wincing as he grabbed the rail and shakily stood. He wanted to speak, but what could he say? What was there to say?
Rather than yell or demand answers, the snake's red eyes flicked up and down in a sharp once-over before Pentious crossed his arms over his chest. "Go upstairs and clean your wounds." Angel opened his mouth, but Pent raised his palm to silence him before he even had a chance to draw breath. "I am going to make tea and bring up dinner. By the time I'm done, I expect you to be ready and put together. Understood?" He tilted his head slightly to the side as Angel averted his eye-line and swallowed.
"Yeah..." Angel said, his voice raspy as he pet over Nuggets who was only just coming to as well, letting out a tired yawn.
Pent lifted his chin and then turned his back to the spider, placing one hand on the rail as he glided down the stairs. Angel frowned and leaned over, seeing that the eggs had managed to clear the worst of the mess and that the broken cabinet had been set against the opposite wall, but there was no mistaking the splintered wood. He chewed his lip as he turned away, carrying Nuggets upstairs to the bedroom.
Was Pent going to rip him a new one or even physically discipline him? He said he wanted him "ready and put together" which could mean so many things (though part of him couldn't help but assume the worst). Pent had never used sex as a punishment before...
That was something Val did…
But there was a first time for everything and he'd never fucked up this bad. At least, not while they were dating.
Opening the door, Angel set Fat Nuggets down, letting the pig wander to their food bowl while he leaned against the door frame and took a few deep gulps of air. Maybe if he got Pent off good enough he'd be forgiven? Just let the snake do whatever he wanted and then they could go back to how things were? One shitty night would be worth keeping the peace between them.
Angel exhaled and headed to the bathroom, wincing at all the drug paraphernalia left out. He quickly cleared away the leftover powder and the card he used to cut the lines before washing his hands, rinsing away the dried blood from his knuckles until the water went from a rusty pink to clear. With the first-aid kit under the sink, he put some alcohol on the open cuts, hissing at the burning sting before wrapping his knuckles and the scrape on his foot. Flexing his fingers, Angel looked up, meeting his reflection in the mirror.
His eyes were hooded and bloodshot and his hair was a tangled sweaty mess. He didn't look or feel the least bit attractive right now, but if Pent just needed a hole to pound and get the aggression out, he was at least serviceable in that regard. He exhaled and pulled the spare bottle of lube out from the medicine cabinet, lifting the hem of the silk robe with one hand before lubing the fingers of his opposite arm. While his boyfriend had never forgone prep and foreplay before, he didn't want to take any chances. Better to be a little stretched and wet than bloody and torn by the end of the night.
Angel washed off his hands again and put the lube back before going into the closet. He pulled out the purple teddy that Pentious had made for him and exchanged the snake's robe for the short lingerie. He adjusted his breasts in the lacy cups, making sure they looked perfect if nothing else before donning the matching underwear that went with the set.
Snapping the waistband into place, Angel left the closet and stepped down into the bed pit, hitting the switch to raise the mattress so that Nugs wouldn't try climbing into the sheets with them. Finally, he tucked up his legs, arranging himself as seductively as he could as he waited for his boyfriend, ignoring the heady thrum of his heart that filled the empty silence engulfing the bedroom.
Ten minutes passed before Angel heard the handle turn and he froze on the bed, fixing a tight smile to his face. The door opened and Pent entered, carrying a tray with both hands while his tail pushed the door closed behind him. The snake glanced up, quirking an eyebrow at Angel before slithering past him to the coffee table, chaise, and matching armchair in front of the fireplace. He set the tray down and grabbed the largest pillow from the chaise, taking a seat in the armchair before dropping the pillow on the floor next to him. He met Angel's eyes and then pointed down at the cushion. "Kneel."
Slowly, Angel rose from the bed, his hip cracking as he climbed over the side of the mattress and shuffled across the floor to Pent. He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace as he sank down onto the soft fabric next to Pent. "Babe-"
"Finish your tea first," Pent interrupted as he reached across the table, pouring two cups of tea and stirring a few sugar cubes in for Angel before passing him the first cup. "You may speak after."
Angel gave a nod and Pent hummed, dropping a lemon slice in his own portion of chamomile before calmly stirring the steaming brew.
Instead of filling the tense quiet between them, the snake just cut up the plate of vegetables and lamb, pausing only to occasionally sip his tea or check his phone. The silence was unnerving and Angel found himself squirming on the pillow as he sipped, only stopping when Pent's hand came to rest on his nape, sharp talons carefully pinching the tense cluster of nerves at the base.
Angel frowned, but then relaxed as Pent massaged into his skin, loosening the knot slowly. The gentle touch was a strong contrast to Pent's outwardly cold demeanor and he wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not so he just drank until no tea was left in the basin.
Pent took the cup and set it on the tray while Angel tried to think of what to say (or how to say it). As soon he opened his mouth, a piece of lamb was pressed onto his tongue and Angel flinched, looking back up at Pent who still had a very tight and tired expression on his face. "The eggboiz said you haven't eaten all day," he murmured as Angel closed his mouth around the tines, pulling the chunk of seasoned meat off the fork. Despite being a little cold, the lamb was nice and tender with a delicious spice to it. It wasn't a favorite meal of his, but definitely a hearty one.
Swallowing, Angel exhaled and furrowed his brow. "I wasn't hungry..." he said quietly. Of course now that he had eaten something, his appetite finally decided to rear its ugly head and his stomach grumbled loudly in protest. "Just wanted ta sleep..."
"And get into my liquor."
Angel twitched at the accusation, his frown only deepening as Pent replaced the fork with his phone and opened up the security feed from the study. There wasn't any audio, but Angel was no less embarrassed to watch as he destroyed his boyfriend's room trying to get at the alcohol stock. "I wasn't thinkin'."
Pent sighed and swiped over to the foyer camera, showing Angel throw the box over the railing. "Clearly...so why didn't you simply text me and ask for the code?"
Angel blinked as the snake turned off the feed and lowered the device. "Babe-"
"I thought we had been broken into again. I thought you were in danger," Pent hissed through his teeth as he pinched his brow. "When the silent alarm notification went off I assumed I would be coming home to a massacre, Angel." He inhaled and straightened his posture, picking up the fork again to spear another piece of lamb, offering it to the spider. "So what happened? Why didn't you just go downstairs and drink any of the alcohol we have in the pantry? Why did you go to such absurd lengths to get into my stocks when you know very well I would have given you access had you just asked for it?"
Staring down at the offered lamb, Angel felt his lower lip begin to tremble. "I told ya I wasn't thinkin'. Was just caught up in the moment and I figured you wouldn't want me messin' with your shit, but I got carried away." He winced as he forced himself to take the meat, chewing and swallowing slowly so as to give himself room to think.
Pent's free hand dug itself into Angel's hair and the spider went stiff, expecting a sharp tug, only to have those red talons card through the white strands with painful delicacy. "And you say I'm the terrible liar," Pentious murmured in the dead air of Angel's silence. "You were high again..."
The accusation cut Angel to the core and he wrapped his arms around himself, hunching his shoulders. "It was a real bad day...an' you were gone so-"
"You still should have called me," Pentious said, raising the fork to stab a potato, offering it to Angel. "I might not have been able to come home, but we could have worked something out-" As he spoke, Angel lifted his arm, knocking the fork to the ground. Pent pursed his lips and took a breath. "Please pick that up and hand it to me," he said quietly, removing his hand from Angel's hair.
Shaking his head, Angel just tightened the cage of his arms. "Why the fuck are you bein' so damn nice? When is the other shoe gonna drop?"
"What?" Pent blinked and leaned over, trying to look Angel in the eyes, only for the spider to twist away on the cushion. "Angel, what are you talking about?"
Angel shuddered, his knees splaying further apart as he sank into the pillow. "I fucked up..."
"You did, but-"
"You should be fuckin' pissed !" Angel growled, digging his nails into his arms hard, not caring if he broke the skin. "Here I am, a goddamn dumpster fire makin' an even bigger mess of shit and you're just..." He trailed off with a sniffle, realizing fresh tears were sliding down his cheeks. "You don't know what it's like, Pen. Sure, you had a really shitty childhood, but then you got to be happy. Me? I ain't ever had any of that shit until you and I'm fuckin' terrified that one day you're gonna decide I'm not worth the trouble."
Angel had always been too broken, too damaged to be loved.
He trembled and covered his face with his top hands, continuing to scratch down his arms with the lower set. He was so damn pathetic. Pentious deserved better than an emotional train wreck.
Suddenly he felt two arms clasp his shoulders and then Angel was being dragged up off the pillow and into Pent's lap. "Angel, I'm not mad, I'm worried sick," the snake said in a shaky voice, one hand holding the spider's hips to keep him in place while the other pushed Angel's fringe out of the way, exposing his swollen watery eyes to Pent's concerned stare. "You have your moments, yes, but you could have seriously hurt yourself." He glanced down to Angel's bandaged knuckles and added, "Items can be replaced or rebuilt. It's the beauty of engineering." He released Angel's face to lift one of the bandaged hands, raising it to his mouth and gently kissing over it. "I burned this bloody house down, remember? Nothing you do is ever going to be more destructive than that."
Angel's chest clenched and he continued to tremble on Pent's lap, his thighs loosely splayed on either side of the snake's tail. He had expected anger and punishment, accusations and words that cut, but instead all that greeted him was the same blunt sincerity that Pentious had always offered him.
And now he felt so ashamed and guilty for having ever thought that Pent would be so cruel. That he'd resort to Val's sadism, his brother's accusations, or his father's demands for retribution.
For all the trust that Pent put into him, he barely gave any to the snake in turn despite being offered nothing but near perfect consistency for over a year…
But what was a year or two in the face of a lifetime?
Angel slowly wrapped his arms around Pent, hugging the other man close as more tears fell. "I'm sorry...I just...sometimes when you're gone all the old shit comes back and I can't fuckin' take it. I just wanna be numb and forget, but it ain't easy. It's never been easy...but I also never had somethin' that I wanted ta keep this bad." Angel let out a soft whimper and hooked his chin over the snake's shoulder. "I didn't care before…"
The snake remained silent for a time, one hand petting down the line of Angel's spine while the other continued to play with the loose hair at his nape. Then Pent took a breath and said, "I've turned the other cheek to your problems and let you deal with them as you've felt appropriate, but clearly that was the wrong decision." His hand moved from Angel's neck to the spider's cheek, wiping away some of the tears with a single pass of his thumb. "I don't want this to escalate."
Angel nodded, still sniffling as he held the snake close. It was one thing to get this fucked up and go off the rails when he was single and alone. The only person he ended up hurting back then was himself and while Pent hadn't even witnessed some of his worst episodes, it wasn't worth risking the chance. "Maybe...maybe I should go back to stayin' at the Hotel…" he said in a quiet voice.
Pent inhaled sharply and Angel found himself being grabbed by the shoulders and steadied on the snake's lap. Their eyes met and Angel resisted the urge to whimper as Pentious said, "I'm not sending you away, Angel. What good would that do?"
Shrugging, Angel chewed his lower lip and said, "It would give you a break...from dealing with this." He gestured at his body and shuddered.
The snake sighed and shook his head, both hands stroking up and down the length of Angel's arms. "I'm not someone who is fond of abandoning projects, even when the solution isn't simple. Sometimes it takes a bit of extra tinkering to find the root of the problem." Pent's eyes darted across Angel's face, brimming with concern and so much damn care that Angel found himself fighting back even more tears. "But I fix machines, not people…"
"I don't know anyone who can…" Angel muttered, raising one hand to wipe under his nose, only for Pent to tug out a handkerchief from his jacket. Angel took the cloth and did his best to wipe his face clean of the tears and snot that stubbornly clung to the white fur. Fuck, he hated that he was such an ugly crier.
After Angel's face was a bit less snotty, Pent leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to the spider's brow ridge. "We do know someone actually…" Pent murmured in a quiet voice. "You work for them."
Angel blinked and then swallowed. "Babe…" he began, only for Pent to hold up a single talon to his lips, silencing him.
"I'm serious, Angel. I'm not willing to enable your self-destruction any further. This goes deeper than anything I'm capable of handling. So as much as it pains me to admit, we will need help, specifically from someone who will hold you accountable." Pent frowned and trailed his fingers under the spider's chin. "I don't demand much of you, but I need you to promise me that you'll do this."
Then the snake let his hand drift down over Angel's left breast, stopping against his beating heart. "I don't want to fear leaving you alone for extended periods. I need to be confident that you'll be ok when you're home with nothing but your own thoughts to occupy you." He shuddered and Angel felt a fresh wave of tears fall, burning new trails down his cheeks (goddamnit). "So if you love me...swear you'll talk to Miss Charlie tomorrow. I don't care how long it takes, I'll be here, but we're not continuing like this. Understood?"
Angel swallowed hard, rubbing the damp cloth over his face to mop up the rest of his sobs. He hated that he had done this to Pentious and he knew he hardly deserved his forgiveness, but he was too selfish to not take what was being offered.
He didn't need Heaven's Redemption, but he would fight tooth and nail for Pent's.
"Ok...ok, I'll do it baby." He nodded, head bobbing loosely as he met Pent's stare. "Just please don't leave me."
Smiling, Pent pulled Angel in close so they were chest to chest. "I'm not going anywhere, Angel. This is my home, right here with you." He then leaned up and pressed his mouth to Angel's in a firm, but chaste kiss.
Angel quickly wrapped all four arms around Pent's shoulders, caging the snake against the armchair. Pent responded with a soft sigh as he began to rock them gently.
After a few quiet minutes of skin to skin contact, Pent frowned and murmured, "So are you going to explain why you're wearing lingerie?"
"Well…" Angel grimaced, pursing his lips into a tight line. "I figured you wanted ta punish me...but-" He trailed off, leaning back and refusing to meet Pent's eyes as the snake's brow furrowed.
"Punish you?" Pent repeated, giving the other man a confused once-over. "You mean sexually?" When the spider didn't respond, Pent shook his head. "Angel…" He groaned. "What on earth would ever make you think that?"
Angel tightened his grip on the snake's shoulders as he glanced down to the abandoned pillow next to the chair. "Well, usin' your dom voice didn't help...neither did makin' me kneel."
Pent lifted his chin and turned Angel to face him as he pet down the side of the other man's face. "I was trying to ground you so you wouldn't have a panic attack. It's easier to relax when someone else takes the reins." He closed his eyes and huffed, "Angel-"
"I get it, baby," Angel assured, leaning in and kissing Pent on the mouth. "I just...I'm used ta jumpin' ta the worst possible conclusions, y'know?" He offered the other man a weak smile as Pentious' red eyes flickered open again, soft and sad in a way that made Angel want to start crying all over again.
Don't you dare cry.
"I love you."
Angel flinched and his eyes snapped up to Pent's face again.
That overwhelming sadness was still present, practically clear as day on the snake's expressive features, but there was no disappointment behind it. Only love.
The kind that hurt.
Taking a deep breath, Angel nodded and lowered himself to press their foreheads together. "Thank you...fer bein' here." He sniffled and raised an arm, smearing his palm across his watery eyes before he could tear up again. "Even when I don't deserve it."
Pent gave an amused huff, a small smile cutting through the mournful expression that made him look as tired as Angel felt. "You know me better than that, Angel. I'm hardly the type of man who wastes his time on people who aren't deserving of it." He then nuzzled up into the spider's throat adding, "I'm here precisely because there's nowhere else in all of Hell that I'd rather be."
Fuck, as much as Pent claimed he was no goddamn poet, he was plenty good at making things sound real sappy and romantic. Angel's heart fluttered in his chest as he chuckled and continued to weakly wipe at his face. "Shit...you really know how ta make a fella feel special…"
"You are special," Pent insisted, kissing the blunt tip of Angel's nose. "A special asshole, but special nevertheless."
Angel smiled and nodded, hugging Pentious close before gently pulling away. "Can I have some more tea?" he asked, glancing at the tray next to them. Pent raised an eyebrow and then nodded, letting go of Angel to refill the spider's abandoned cup, dropping some sugar cubes in before stirring. He handed him the warm porcelain and Angel cradled it against his chest, lower arms still resting on Pent's shoulders while the herbal scent of chamomile wafted up with the steam.
He'd spent so many nights dependent on powder to block out the voices that battered against the inside of his skull. Every time, the past overpowered the present until that too was just another bad day stacked atop all the others that came before it.
No amount of drugs had ever been able to ground him and silence those memories for more than a few hours, but the high was still an escape, albeit a temporary one.
Completely sober, he was present in the moment, enjoying a simple cup of tea and the warm smile of the man who brewed it.
There was a future in that.
Angel exhaled, rubbing over his shoulders as he stared at the door to Charlie's office. He truly never thought he'd be this desperate, but there was no one else he knew who'd be able to help him get through more than a couple of days sober.
Deep down, he'd always known that no matter how many times he glanced at himself in the mirror, the reflection would always be the same.
Not unless he made some changes.
Angel licked his lips and reached out with one hand, gently knocking until he heard Charlie's voice, slightly muffled through the wood but no less cheerful, "Come on in!"
Opening the door, Angel stepped inside and closed it behind him, his eyes flickering to the massive amount of paperwork piled up on the princess' desk. "Hey toots, got a moment?" he asked as Charlie quickly scurried to shift some folders aside to give him a clean chair to sit in.
"Oh yeah, just working on our Fall budget. Lotta expenses, y'know." She offered him a small smile as he sat down. "But what's up? Everything ok, Angel?"
Pursing his lips, Angel reached up and ran one hand through his fringe. "Not really...and that's why I'm here." Charlie blinked and he reluctantly met her confused stare. "I need some help. Badly."
Immediately Charlie's more casual demeanor faded, replaced with genuine concern as she rounded the desk and sat down on the edge of the cheap faux wood. "What kind of help?" she asked in a much softer and more subdued tone.
Angel furrowed his brow and took out his phone, staring at the lock-screen image of him and Pentious partying at a dive bar. The snake hadn't wanted to go, but eventually he gave in and they both had a wonderful time (followed by even better sex once they got home). The last text notification was still sitting at the top of his screen: "Good luck!" accompanied by five kissy face emojis.
Charlie glanced down at the locked screen just before it faded to black. "Is it about Sir Pentious?" she asked. "Are you guys fighting?"
"Nah," Angel murmured with a single shake of his head. "But it's related." He took a deep breath and straightened the line of his shoulders. "I wanna get clean," he declared, making an X with his top set of arms. "No more powder, no more coke...dunno if I'll be able to cut drinkin' and smokin' out entirely, but the hard shit has ta go."
Charlie's eyes widened as she stared at him. "Whoa...you're serious?" She glanced around in mild alarm, tilting her head to the side as she twisted around to look out the back window. "There's not a camera crew waiting to jump out and punk me, right?"
Frowning, Angel pocketed his phone and crossed both sets of arms over his chest. "Yeah. I'm serious. Just sign me up for the rehab shit and whateva therapy you think I'm gonna need. I'm doin' it all."
Charlie's expression remained blank for a moment before her face split into a delighted smile. "Well, ok then!" She said, quickly hopping off the desk to rifle through her paperwork, tossing a few folders haphazardly over one shoulder. "I'll get a schedule set up for you and send you home with a starter packet." She paused and looked back up to meet Angel's eyes as she tucked a strand of loose hair back behind her ear. "It's gonna take a while though and there might be setbacks, you know that right?"
Angel nodded. "Yeah, but...whatever it takes," he murmured as he tapped the front of his boot against the princess' desk. "I need ta get clean and you're the only person in this pit who's willin' ta rehab people."
He blinked and then reached back into his suit jacket. "Fuck, I almost forgot," he added, tugging out a bag filled with white powder and dropping it unceremoniously on top of Charlie's desk. "That's all I got left. Flushed the rest this mornin' so...I'm gonna leave this shit with you."
Charlie lifted the bag and then looked back to Angel, offering him a hopeful grin. "Well, you'll be given a bit...We wanna avoid withdrawals and stuff, but I'm really happy for you Angel."
Sighing, Angel leaned back in his chair before swinging back and forward, using the momentum to stand again. "Yeah yeah. I'm only doin' this because I don't wanna ruin the good shit in my life, not cuz I wanna get clean for the sake of it."
If he had to choose between powder and Pentious, he'd sooner never touch a goddamn dime-bag again.
"It's going to be a long road, but I think you'll be all the better for it," Charlie said as she stored the drugs inside a drawer labeled CONFISCATION before locking it with her master key. "Is there anything else I can help you with in the meantime?"
Angel shook his head and she clapped her hands together. "Alright then! I'll get that paperwork prepared and send you home with it before the end of your shift. I'll also forward an email copy to you and Sir Pentious."
"Yeah, thanks, babe…" Angel said with a tired nod before leaving the office and the excited princess behind.
Once the door closed behind him, he heard a small snort and turned to see that Husk had returned to the Welcome Desk. "What'd you get called in for?" the cat asked snidely, leaning against the counter as he held tight to a bottle of gin.
"Nothin'...just decided ta enroll in rehab," Angel said with a loose shrug as Husk lifted the bottle to his lips to take a big swallow.
Almost immediately the cat spit it back out, his yellow eyes wide as he looked the spider up and down.
"Rehab!?" he sputtered in disbelief. "Who the fuck are you and what the hell did you do to legs?"
Angel gave the other Demon a soft, albeit incredibly worn smile. "It's true. Gonna start that shit this week and hopefully not pass out from the withdrawals." He chuckled, but it was pretty half-assed at best. "That shit fuckin' sucks."
Husk stayed silent for a moment, tapping his claws against the side of the clear bottle. "Why?" he asked after a few moments of quiet consideration. "You've been tied to the kid's pet project for nearly three years and you never willingly participated in her courses or activities up until now...so what gives?"
Angel sighed, leaning one of his elbows against the desk. "Felt like it was time ta make a change. Got a lotta stuff goin' on and the drugs...they ain't doin' shit aside from holdin' me back. So I'm gettin' clean, goin' ta therapy, doin' the whole damn treatment." He laughed again and met Husk's eyes. "Y'know, if you were thinkin' of droppin' the booze, I'd appreciate some coworker solidarity. Feel like tryin' out sobriety fer a while?"
Raising one bushy red brow, Husk tightened his grip around the gin and said, "Stop fucking with me and get back to your damn post." He made a shooing motion with one hand and Angel just smirked, blowing him a flirtatious kiss as he left the lobby to go and check on the clients under his watch.
As he trudged up the stairs, he pulled out his phone and opened the chat with Pent, shooting his boyfriend a quick text: "Talked with Charlie. Gettin' everythin' arranged before EOD."
He sent the text as he rounded the banister, narrowly avoiding running straight into Niffty who was riding atop a vacuum that had to be four times her size. He raised an eyebrow as she zoomed across the carpet and snorted before stepping out onto the landing.
Immediately his phone vibrated and Angel glanced down at the lock screen as Pent's number flashed up at him in big bright font, accompanied by a single line of text:
"I'm very proud of you."
Angel felt his chest clench and he took a deep breath before typing back, "Save it fer when I'm actually sober for more than a day, asshole."
Still...the statement (small as it was) lit a smoldering fire in his belly that lasted for the rest of his shift.
It wasn't much and it wouldn't carry him through the entire process…
But it was a start.
SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information. Online resources are available on their website.
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