March 487 I.C., Odin
"If your brother told you to kill me, would you do it?"
Annerose twitched, startled. She had thought the kaiser was asleep, in the dark bedroom, but she had apparently been mistaken. His breathing was so even that it had lulled Annerose into a false sense of security, into believing that she could retreat once again into the quiet privacy of her own mind, without having to be perpetually responsive to what he wanted.
"Why would you ask me that?" Annerose whispered. She was used to the kaiser saying strange things, including the odd midnight confession, as though Annerose could absolve him of something that happened forty years ago, but this was the strangest thing he had ever brought up unprompted.
"I'm curious," he said. "That's all. You can be honest with me."
"He wouldn't ask that of me," she said.
"No?" The kaiser chuckled a little bit, and Annerose lay as still as she could while his hand found a lock of her hair, stroking it. She wanted to shiver, but she didn't. "I'm going to make him a fleet admiral. I should make him a marquis."
"You are very generous to both of us," Annerose said after a second.
"After fleet admiral… I think Muckenburger will retire some day, and perhaps I will give your brother command of all of the fleets."
Annerose was silent.
"What do you think of that?" the kaiser asked.
"I am honored that you would give so much to my brother," she said.
"Yes. And when I've given him all the honor and glory that I am capable of giving, and when he has all of the millions of men of the fleet under his command, so that no one can oppose him, will he tell you to kill me?"
"If you believe that Reinhard would plot against you, why do you continue to place trust in him?"
The kaiser's hand in her hair was insistent. "Or will he order his men to storm the palace and shoot me where I stand? Which do you think he would find more satisfying?"
"Your Majesty— I don't think my brother would find satisfaction in killing you." This was perhaps the most blatant lie Annerose had ever muttered, but she felt more in danger in this moment than she had in almost ten years of being kept by the kaiser.
"No, he's a man who will never be satisfied," the kaiser said. "You're right. He could have the universe, and still want something more." He chuckled. "Isn't that so, Annerose?"
"My brother should content himself with the gifts that he has," she said, very, very quiet. "I will tell him as much."
"There's nothing wrong with ambition."
"Your Majesty, you're talking about treason, and you're talking about my brother telling me to do something abhorrent." She shook her head, his fingers still tangled in her hair. "I don't understand."
He continued as if she hadn't said anything. "It would be easier for you to do it than anyone else."
"Your Majesty—" Annerose began. It was pitch black in the room, but she squeezed her eyes shut tight anyway.
"What, Annerose?"
"May I say something that—"
"Please, speak your mind."
"If you were to die, in any way that looked as though I had killed you, and my brother were to make a bid for power, whoever you name as an heir would have me killed. Even if just for self preservation, and for the preservation of my brother, I would not do such a thing."
"I'm not going to name an heir."
Annerose was silent.
"You can reassure your brother of that, if you like," he said. "I'm sure that if he thought I was about to name an heir, he would move up his plans for killing me to 'as quickly as possible.'"
"He is not going to kill you, Your Majesty."
"And there are plenty of ways of killing me that would cast no shadow over you," he said. "You would think of something."
"Why are you saying all of this?" Annerose asked, and maybe he could hear the distress in her voice, because he switched tactics.
"You would do anything for your brother. I have always seen that." He fell silent. His hand moved from her hair down her neck. She stayed as still as she could. She thought the conversation was over, because of how quiet he was, but then he spoke again. "If I were in your place, I think… A slow acting poison. Slip it into my coffee before you leave in the morning, and maybe I wouldn't die until the afternoon, when you're at home. I think there's plenty of poisons like that. The kind that works on the liver, maybe."
Annerose made a choked little sound, the kaiser's fingers trailing over the skin of her neck.
"Poison has always been a woman's art, anyway. And it always seemed more humane than being shot, or hanged, or whatever spectacle will be required." He yawned. "That's why I offer it to people. I doubt your brother would give me that courtesy." His voice trailed off, and eventually his fingers stopped their slow movement as the kaiser fell asleep.
Annerose lay in the dark bedroom, body coiled tight as a spring, unable to sleep at all. It wasn't as though the kaiser was wrong: Reinhard probably would want to kill him, someday. She couldn't imagine that he would ask her to kill the kaiser.
Or, maybe she could.
Would Reinhard want to give her the chance to take revenge? Revenge for her stolen childhood? Revenge for every time that he touched her?
Or, perhaps not. He didn't see her like that, not really. He wanted revenge for himself, for the kaiser taking her away from him. For all these violations of her that—
She knew that Reinhard held two images of her in his head. One: sacrosanct, inviolable, perfect. A goddess for a sister. The way he looked at her, it was clear that he would have worshipped the ground she walked on, if he could.
In some other image, she was fragile, taken advantage of, requiring pity and protection.
She wasn't sure how Reinhard could hold these two images of her in his head simultaneously, but he did. That was perhaps one of the most childish things about him. Some part of her wanted to protect that childish innocence of his. She worried that it would upset him should she be revealed for who she truly was, which she would need to be, for him to consider asking her to take her revenge.
As a goddess, he would take revenge on her behalf, for someone daring to disrespect her image.
As a victim, she needed him to protect her.
But she was neither any of the one nor wholly the other. What was she? Annerose wondered, laying there in the dark with the kaiser's hand on her neck. Hadn't she always been just a woman?
And did a woman want revenge?
Was that a thing that she would have to dream of?
The next morning at breakfast, it was as though the conversation had never happened. It was back to "Yes, Your Majesty," and "No, Your Majesty," and "I would like for spring to come faster, Your Majesty," over the coffee and toast.
Although no mention was made by either of them about what had been said the night before, Annerose couldn't help but wonder if every time the kaiser lifted his coffee to his mouth and looked at her, there wasn't some silent question there. She picked at her eggs with even less enthusiasm than she normally had in the mornings, and then was dismissed for the day as the kaiser had business to attend to that she had no part in.
She returned home, though it could hardly really be called one, since she only slept in this mansion the kaiser had given her perhaps once a week.
There were diversions there for her, of course. She kept herself busy in her cloister: cooking pies that she shared with her servants (who thought her enjoyment of manual kitchen labor was funny), embroidering the minutest little flowers on bedsheets to fill the guest bedrooms that no one used, and planting seeds in the cold wet ground of the garden. It all passed the time until the kaiser called her back, which he always did. All of those things were attempts to stave off the sense of time, else she would spend her every day checking the clock for when that summons would come. She had learned long ago that that was no way to live and retain her composure.
Annerose tried to put the issue out of her mind, but she couldn't stop thinking about it, turning the idea over and over. Now that the kaiser had planted the seed, it had taken root. As she poured herself a mug of tea, she wondered if it would be easy to dissolve a poison in the boiling water. As she drank, she wondered what it would taste like.
She wondered what it would feel like, slipping some pill into the kaiser's food, then walking away, that tension and waiting to hear that he had died.
She wondered what it would feel like to have killed someone.
She wondered what it would feel like to be free of him, at last, at last.
Reinhard would want his revenge. But if he took it, Annerose would never get to. Would she regret not killing him, if she didn't?
And why, why, why did the kaiser bring it up? Like he was giving her permission, or even asking it as a favor. If she killed him, it wouldn't even really be revenge. Perhaps refusing to let him die easily, letting Reinhard kill him, perhaps that would be more of a revenge than a quiet poison in his wine.
Why was he asking that of her? He knew, he knew that all she wanted, all she had ever wanted, was to help Reinhard and to live as quiet and peaceful of a life as possible. They had discussed what she would do with the rest of her life often enough. Asking her about this was taking away that last little innocence she had: she could kill him and become a murderer, or she could let Reinhard kill him— which would make her more of a torturer. Or at least complicit in it.
It took several days for Annerose to come to any sort of conclusion, and when she did, she called upon the only person she thought could help her.
Baroness Magdalena von Westpfale rolled up to Annerose's estate in her sporty convertible, the engine roaring. The servants were well accustomed to Magdalena's visits, and they knew that unless the kaiser called on Annerose, the two were not meant to be disturbed. Annerose entertained Magdalena in the parlor in the back of her house, looking out over the cold grey garden. The sun was shining, but a thin film of clouds over the sky, and the lingering remnants of winter in the air, made everything feel dull.
Magdalena was wearing a blue gown that was probably too light for the weather, and too fancy just to visit a friend, but it looked good on her. She swept Annerose up in her arms, greeting her by kissing her on both cheeks, running her hands down Annerose's arms as if to check if she was all there. Magdalena was always so overwhelming and vivid, but Annerose couldn't say that she minded.
"Darling, you sounded practically out of your mind over the phone," Magdalena said. "I'm glad you look alright."
Annerose gestured to the couch, and they sat down across from each other. "I'm alright," Annerose said. "But thank you for coming."
"Of course."
"I hope you didn't cancel any plans for the day on my behalf."
"Even if I did, we won't speak of it," Magdalena said, waving her hand airily. "You are far more important to me than almost anything else I get up to."
Annerose felt heat rising to her face, and she looked away from Magdalena's intense smile, out the windows to the garden. "I shouldn't be," Annerose said.
"Nonsense. You're my friend," Magdalena said firmly. "And when you, of all people, ask me to show up, instead of waiting on me to invite myself, I simply must oblige. What's gotten you all worked up?"
Annerose poured them both some tea from the pot on the table in front of them, and sliced some apple pie without answering the question. Magdalena accepted both of these things gratefully, and liberally scooped some sugar into her cup, waiting for Annerose to respond.
Now that Magdalena was here, asking her for the thing that Annerose wanted to ask for was suddenly a difficult prospect. So, instead, she said, "How have you been?"
"Fine," Magdalena said, narrowing her eyes, not going to be dissuaded. "Is there some kind of problem with your brother again?"
"No," Annerose said. "I haven't seen him in a while."
"Hm," Magdalena said. "I'll have to go bother him on your behalf."
"Oh, please don't," Annerose said. "He's very busy."
"Too busy to see his sister, I know."
"It's difficult for him to get permission to see me."
"It's not as though your house is behind a locked gate, nor are you under guard. I certainly come by often enough."
"That's different," Annerose said. "You're different."
Magdalena smiled, as though Annerose had given her a gift. "I'm so glad to hear it."
Annerose fell silent.
"I have never understood why he needs permission to see you," Magdalena said after a moment. "It doesn't seem reasonable."
"The kaiser—" Annerose began, then stopped.
"What about His Majesty?"
"He believes that Reinhard is dangerous. I'm like a leash that keeps Reinhard under control."
"That's what the kaiser thinks, but is it true?"
"Maybe," Annerose said. "I don't know."
"What type of dangerous are we talking about?" Magdalena asked.
"It doesn't matter," Annerose said.
"Darling, what's the matter?" Magdalena asked, putting down her teacup firmly on the table between them, then leaning her elbows on her knees. "I haven't seen you this tense in about nine years."
"If I asked you to do something for me—"
"Yes," Magdalena said, without any hesitation. "Yes, absolutely, of course. Anything."
"Maggie!"
Magdalena smiled, but it was a serious smile, not one of her jokes. "You know I would."
"You haven't even heard what I was going to ask."
"A favor. And I'm always willing to do you a favor."
"You won't like it."
"But I like you, darling, and that will make it worth it."
Annerose smoothed her skirt out over her legs for a second. Magdalena waited for her to work up the nerve to say what she was going to say. "I need something."
"What?"
"Please don't tell anyone this," she said.
"My lips are sealed," Magdalena said. "I'm very good at keeping secrets."
"I need—" Annerose began, and she found it hard to get the words out. "A poison."
Magdalena suddenly stilled, her hand that had been reaching for her teacup dropping to her lap. Annerose wondered what kind of questions Magdalena was about to ask. "What kind?" Magdalena asked, her voice dead serious, for once.
Annerose couldn't meet her eyes. "Something slow," she said. "Something that takes a couple hours to work."
Magdalena nodded. "How many doses do you need?"
"Maybe just one," Annerose said.
"Maybe?"
"I—"
"Who is this for?"
"Me," Annerose said, the lie coming out of her in a rush. "Just in case."
Magdalena's face fell. "Annerose—"
"Just in case," she reiterated. "If the kaiser dies, and I'm— I have enemies. I don't want—"
"Then why wouldn't you want something fast acting?" she asked.
"Because I'd like to have a chance to write some letters."
"Annerose…"
"Will you get it for me?" she asked. "Please?"
"What's gotten you so scared suddenly? Has something changed?"
"I hear things," Annerose said. "Things that people intend for me to hear, to scare me. It's just getting worse, every time the kaiser gives Reinhard something new, there's someone whispering about how he'll have to pay for all of this somehow, how he's going to lose it when the kaiser dies." This was all true, but Annerose was not that concerned about being kidnapped and tortured to death by someone who hated her. It would just be one more thing done to her, and she had, over the years, perfected the ability to leave her body as things were done to her. Perhaps she was underestimating how bad it would be, but she rationalized by thinking that, at that point, it would no longer matter, except in that it would hurt Reinhard. But she could lie to Magdalena.
"Oh," Magdalena said. "Do you want me to—"
"No," Annerose said. "Please, don't. Just this."
Magdalena sighed and leaned back. "Okay. I can get you something."
"Thank you," Annerose said.
"But promise me something, okay?"
"What?"
"Promise me you're not going to kill yourself without, you know, something happening."
"Maggie—"
"What?"
"If I had wanted to do that, wouldn't I have done so already?"
Magdalena looked at her, and Annerose met her eyes, even though she wanted to flinch away. "People sometimes get tired of the way they're living," Magdalena said after a second. "That's all I mean."
"I promise," Annerose said. "It's just insurance. For an emergency."
"Okay," Magdalena said. "Okay. I'll get it for you."
"Thank you," Annerose said. "I couldn't have asked anybody else. Thank you."
"What are friends for?" Magdalena asked, but her smile was false and her voice was only weakly cheerful.
Magdalena told Annerose to visit her estate, in order to pick up the poison that she had acquired. Magdalena's house was beautiful, and it had the look of having been lived in for generation after generation of the von Westpfale family, with the decor a harmonious layering of the tastes of several generations of people. Old family photographs hanging on the walls showed how this matriarch had added all the floral tapestries, or how this patriarch had planted fruit trees in the garden. It was a house with history, and it made Annerose's estate, which had been totally empty when she had moved in, still feel barren and unwelcoming, despite Annerose having lived in it for near on a decade. This was what it was like to have inherited a place in things, rather than being snatched from one environ and put into another, she thought.
One of the Westpfale family servants led Annerose into a dark drawing room, but there was no sign of Magdalena. Annerose suspected that she was putting the finishing touches on her outfit upstairs, or something of the sort. Annerose didn't mind waiting. It was fairly early in the morning, so it was unlikely that the kaiser would call her very soon.
Annerose was looking at one of the paintings on the walls, which showed who she thought was Magdalena's grandfather as a young man, when the door opened behind her. She smiled, expecting Magdalena, but was startled to see Siegfried Kircheis walking in instead. He shut the door behind himself.
"Good morning, Lady Annerose," he said, giving her a serious half-bow.
"I feel like I'm being ambushed, Sieg," she said. "But I'm happy to see you." She was on the back foot, knocked off balance.
"I didn't mean to startle you," he said. "I apologize."
"That's fine," she said. She took a seat on one of the couches, and Kircheis sat down across from her. "I should have expected something like this from the baroness, I suppose. Where is she?"
"Upstairs," Kircheis said. "She wanted me to talk to you."
"I can see that. I hope that she didn't pull you away from my brother, or some urgent duty."
"No, Lady Annerose, I wasn't busy this morning, and Reinhard is in a meeting with Fleet Admiral Muckenburger."
"I see," she said. "Does he know you're here?"
"No," Kircheis said. "I didn't have a chance to tell him before he left for the morning."
No, he just was capable of discretion. "And did Baroness Westpfale mention what she wanted you to speak with me about?"
"Yes," Kircheis said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small makeup compact, clearly something that Magdalena had given to him. He held it out to her.
Annerose hesitated for a second, then took it and opened it. It looked like nothing more than a little mirror and flat pad of blush, but she knew it had to be something more.
"The middle hinge is false," Kircheis said. "Push it from the back."
She did so, and the pad of blush popped up and out, revealing the secret contents. Inside were two tiny bags, rolled tightly to fit and not rattle, filled with pills, one set a pale pink, the other set white. Each bag had two in it.
"The white is fast acting," Kircheis said. "I think she wanted to give you that, just in case."
Annerose nodded. "She could have given this to me herself."
"You scared her, Lady Annerose," Kircheis said. "She's very worried about you."
"So she sent you to make sure that I'm not about to do something rash?"
Kircheis looked at her steadily. "I told her that I wouldn't expect you would do something like that."
"You know me," she said. "I'm glad she called you and not Reinhard."
"I think she is aware that Reinhard would not take this calmly."
Annerose nodded. She slipped the compact into a hidden pocket of her dress. "If you trust me not to be foolish about it, and you are not going to tell Reinhard, then I shouldn't waste your time. You can tell Baroness Westpfale that you've been reassured of my mental state."
"Lady Annerose," he began.
"What is it, Sieg?" her voice was harsher than she had intended, and she mentally chided herself.
"Why did you lie to Baroness Westpfale?" Kircheis asked.
"What makes you think I lied?"
"Lady Annerose, no one who's afraid of being tortured asks for a slow acting poison. You didn't even really convince the baroness, since she got you fast acting as well."
"Then what do you think I'm going to use it for?"
"You have enemies in the court," he said. "You and Lord Reinhard are not—"
"Not what? Popular?"
"Entirely dissimilar," Kircheis said after a second.
"You think I'm capable of murder."
"You've asked for the tools for it," Kircheis pointed out.
"I just want to be prepared. As I told Magdalena."
Kircheis shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "If there's someone bothering you, please let Lord Reinhard take care of it."
"No," Annerose said. "It's not his job to worry about me. It's my job to worry about him."
"Lady Annerose, your brother wants you to be safe. If you're in danger, this is not the best way to solve that problem."
"Are you going to tell him about this?"
"I might," he said.
"Don't."
He looked at her. He had never been very good at hiding what he was feeling, not like she was, and his eyes were so wide and sad. She was annoyed at Magdalena for dragging him into this, but perhaps it had been for the best. "I do not know if Lord Reinhard is best served by being kept ignorant, in this case," Kircheis finally said.
"Sieg," Annerose began, deciding that she was better served by Kircheis knowing everything, and Reinhard knowing nothing, than both of them knowing enough about it to worry. "Does Reinhard think I should want revenge?"
He shifted, surprised. "I don't think he thinks about that at all," he said.
"He thinks about how he wants revenge."
Kircheis nodded. "He… He has a one track mind, sometimes."
"Do you think I should want revenge?"
He looked away for a second. "I couldn't possibly blame you if you did."
She sighed. "You've always been more mature than he was. It wouldn't even cross his mind that I could want to dirty my hands with something so base."
"It's because he respects you," he said. "He wouldn't want you to get hurt."
"There's a difference between being respected and being idolized."
"Lord Reinhard cares about you very much, Lady Annerose."
"I know." She looked down at her hands. "But I think I need to know if he's going to take revenge on my behalf."
"Do you want me to tell him not to?"
"I don't know," Annerose said. "I don't know what I want. But I want to be prepared."
Kircheis nodded. "I understand."
"You haven't asked me if I want revenge."
"It's not my business, Lady Annerose."
"It's not?" she asked. "You're in charge of taking care of my little brother when I'm not around. If I was deciding to do something that impacted him, it seems as though it would be your business."
"Do you want revenge, Lady Annerose?"
"I don't know," she said. Almost bitterly, she added, "I think Reinhard might be upset at me if I did take it."
"It's more yours to take than it is his."
"I don't know if I'm capable," she said after a second. "Regardless of anything else. I don't know if I could do it."
Kircheis looked away and said, "I think you have proven yourself capable of a great deal, for Reinhard's sake."
"For his, yes. For my own?" She shook her head. "Who am I, to take anything for myself, Sieg?"
He shook his head. "Lady Annerose—"
"It's an academic question," she said. "I won't do anything that would hurt Reinhard's standing, and—" she hesitated before admitting it out loud— "killing the kaiser would put him in a difficult position. At least right now."
He nodded. "I trust you to know what's best."
"Thank you," she said. "Have I sufficiently reassured you of my mental state?"
"I'll tell Baroness Westpfale that she doesn't need to worry about you hurting yourself."
"And will you tell Reinhard anything?"
"Not if you don't want me to," he said. "Nothing has really changed."
"What do you mean?"
"You could have decided to kill the kaiser with a knife at any time. Having access to tools has never been a problem."
"That's true."
"Why now?" Kircheis asked. "What caused you to start thinking about this?"
Annerose was certainly not going to admit the kaiser had brought up the subject. "I feel like we're coming closer and closer to the edge of something," she said. "Maybe we're all getting caught up in Reinhard's whirlwind. But things are going to change, and if that's the case, I just want to be prepared."
Kircheis nodded. "Thank you for being honest with me," he said. "I don't deserve that kind of trust."
"You're the only one I trust to take care of Reinhard," she said. "And you've always done a good job of it." She closed her eyes for a second. "Do you think—"
"What, Lady Annerose?"
"I should do it," she said. "I should take my revenge. For his sake."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't help but imagine," she began, "I picture this dark room, pitch black—" she could imagine the location of all the objects in the room; it was the darkness of the kaiser's bedroom she was picturing, but Kircheis didn't need to know that. "I picture Reinhard has the kaiser all defenseless. He's taken whatever power he needs, and now he can do whatever he likes. And he and the kaiser are just there." She took a breath. "I know Reinhard already has blood on his hands; he's a soldier. I understand that. But I think… I shouldn't give him that opportunity to become cruel. Because he would take it."
Kircheis looked like he was in pain, closing his eyes, but he nodded, silently.
"I'd damn my soul to save his, any day," Annerose said. "You understand, right?"
"Yes, Lady Annerose."
"If I think about it like that, I could do it."
He nodded again.
"Should I?" she asked.
"I hope you don't have to," Kircheis said finally. "I hope neither of us have to save him like that."
Author's Note
I've said this before and I'll say it again: it's dangerously easy to say 'hey noodle, do you want this brain worm?' and hand me a single squirming creature that will enter my brain through my ear, and cause me to write things. Like in Wrath of Khan. (note: I barely remember the plot of wrath of khan and I don't even think those were worms. and I also think they killed you?)
anyway. it's easy to get me to write fic if a) it's gay or b) it lets Annerose murder. I want Annerose to murder. It feeds me. more people need to get on the let-annerose-do-murder train. pleaseeeeeeeeeee
[link smashing things meme voice] it's MY canon-compliant fanfic and I get to choose if it's implied that Annerose murdered Kaiser Friedrich if I want to
I love that in all of these standalone canon-compliant fics I've been writing, everybody is constantly talking about reinhard but he never shows up. the OVA gives us the "reinhard view" with everyone else in his orbit— it's one of the joys of writing fic, to explore these different perspectives on that central figure.
title is from the White Lies song Fifty On Our Foreheads.
innocence made us like soldiers / untouchable and golden / a quilt of darkness darted with our teardrops
thank you to em and lydia for the beta read! you can find me on twitter natsinator, on tumblr as javert. read my main au, wheel inside a wheel for more murder annerose content. read my original fiction for more attempted regicide /shadowofheaven and more implied murder /arcadispark .