WARNING:

This chapter has been massively edited! It has been altered to fit the rules of this site to not having anything up that is above R rating. The original version of this chapter is much more graphic and definitely NC-17. For those of you who wish to read the unedited original, please check out the links provided in my user info

I hope that you still will let me know what you think of it. This is the most stubborn (and graphic) chapter I have ever written and I would like your opinion.

I am sorry it took me so long to finish this chap, but to make up for the long wait, it is double length.

I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 14: Falling apart

"I'm not sure we did the right thing," Hermione murmured. She and the other party guests were still in the great hall, eating, talking and enjoying each others company. Severus and Harry had left some time ago.

"What do you mean, Mione?" Ron asked, a puzzled look upon his face.

"What I mean, is that I'm no longer certain that it was a good idea to trick Harry and Severus into this bonding," she said. "They didn't look happy at all and I really have a bad feeling about it."

She broke off when Ron shot her a look of pure disbelief. "You have a bad feeling about it?" he asked. "Don't you think it's a bit too late for such thoughts? You agreed to the plan, remember?"

Rolling her eyes in an impatient gesture, Hermione tried again, "Well, now I think that we shouldn't have done it in the first place. Did you ever think about what might happen should Harry find out about this? If he finds out that we were the ones who deliberately violated his privacy? That we planned all of this to make them bond - something they clearly didn't want to until then? That could be the end of our friendship, you know."

"Oh, please Hermione, don't be so pessimistic. You'll see, everything will turn out just fine. Professor Dumbledore thinks that, too. I bet Snape and Harry are enjoying themselves, shagging each other senseless in order to complete the bond." Then, as if he had just realized what he said and what images it created, he shuddered visibly. That earned him a disapproving look from his girlfriend and he hurried to add, " I think I should shut up now" and turned his attention to the plate in front of him. Hermione sighed; she had a bad feeling about how this would all turn out and for once she hoped she was wrong.

OoOoo

How could that be?

Deciding that the 'hows' and 'whys' could wait, Harry concentrated on the wonderful feelings Severus' fingers created on his skin as he began to touch Harry's body again. Harry felt like he was on fire. His breathing was ragged and he gasped as Severus' fingertips brushed over a sensitive nipple. It seemed his husband was enjoying touching him, as much as Harry was enjoying his caresses.

Harry became so caught up in the overwhelming sensations that he didn't even notice as his remaining clothing was removed and that Severus knelt in front of him. A throaty moan escaped Harry and he reached down to tangle his hands in the silky strands of his husband's hair, pulling him closer in the process. The sensations were overwhelming and soon became too much for Harry to bear.

At the same time, Severus was completely lost in the feelings Severus' head spun with desire. He wanted Harry so badly. Severus was not sure how he had gone without this for such a long time or how he was supposed to live through the next seventeen years knowing what he had lost. Harry suddenly drew back.

Harry pushed his lover away carefully when he felt his knees go weak and dropped himself onto the bed - which was fortunately directly behind him. His skin was on fire and his arousal was almost painful. What Severus was doing to him was pleasure and torture at the same time. Harry had to admit, he was enjoying this more than he had ever thought possible. Oh, Harry had known that it would be pleasant, but he had never even dreamed of the feelings Severus managed to evoke in him. Although he was more aroused than he had ever been – as far as he could remember – a slight unease stirred in the pit of his stomach. It was like something was off. He could not put a finger on it, nor could he name it. It was like something important was missing - something he felt he was supposed to know or to do, or to say.

It couldn't possibly be the desire to tell Severus about his true feelings, could it?

What he had told Severus about feeling only physical attraction for him was what he had believed his husband was feeling and expecting to hear – this was after all a marriage based on a contract. After experiencing the pleasures of Severus' talented mouth he was not so sure any more. This was different – it was more. There was something else, something Harry could not identify, something he could not name. It was almost like…

No! Stop it! Harry told himself before his thoughts could continue to drift into an unhealthy direction. Severus did not love him and never would. He needed to remind himself that his bond mate had agreed to marry him out of responsibility and necessity. It was the logical thing to do – nothing more, nothing less.

To distract himself from his unpleasant thoughts, Harry concentrated on the naked body of his husband, who was now standing in front of the bed, watching him. The expression on Severus' face was unreadable. Severus' pale skin looked almost translucent in the light of the candles and his lean, muscular body was simply beautiful in Harry's eyes.

The very same thought crossed Severus' mind as he looked down at his green eyed mate. Beautiful, simply beautiful. Severus stood there for a moment, admiring the view of the man he loved, lying on the bed, waiting for him. It was like his deepest dream coming true, though Severus knew it would not last. Before long they would have completed the bond and his young husband would sleep alone – or worse, search for someone else to share his bed. The mere thought made Severus' heart ache. Harry was his, and his alone. No-one should be allowed to touch his husband, his mate, the only person he truly loved. Unfortunately, Harry didn't seem to agree on that, since he had brought up the topic of other lovers.

From his position on the bed, Harry watched as suddenly a strange look crossed his husband's face, only to vanish almost instantly. Harry wondered what it had been. Had Severus realized what he was about to do? Were the events of the day finally sinking in? Was Severus regretting it? Harry couldn't have that. Reaching out to his newly wed husband he purred in a low voice, "Come here. I want to touch you."

A low growl emerged from the other mans throat as he sank down on the bed and covered Harry's body with his own. It was pure bliss. Skin on skin, bodies aligned perfectly. Harry thought he would die then and there from sheer arousal, but things got even better.

Slowly, Severus moved down along Harry's squirming body. Kissing, sucking and carefully biting his way down Harry's chest Severus moved further down, when he dipped his tongue into Harry's bellybutton - almost expecting his daughter to move again - Harry's body arched up off the bed. Looking up, Severus saw that he had the wooden headboard in a vice like grip, his knuckles turning white.

Severus covered Harry's belly with even more soft kisses, lovingly tracing his fingers over the heated skin. Harry gasped and once again tried to arch off the bed, but this time Severus had his hips pinned down with his hands. Severus enjoyed how Harry reacted to his administrations. He knew Harry was close to the edge already and this thought turned Severus on even more.

Severus continued his ministrations, brought Harry to release and moved up the bed to settle right beside his heavily panting lover. Sweaty strands of hair clinging to his skin, his face flushed and heated, Harry definitely looked delicious. Severus heart ached at the thought that someone else would see his husband like this. Pushing away this unpleasant thought, Severus listened to Harry's wild heartbeat, as he lay beside him.

Silence fell over the room.

"Why did you do that?" Harry asked after he caught his breath. This had been one of the most amazing experiences in his whole life, but he really didn't understand why Severus had done it. After a moment, his husband answered.

"Because I want you to last, when you finally take me." Severus stated matter of fact-ly. Why did Harry have to ask and break the comfortable silence they had shared? Sighing slightly, he explained, "You were already too close to the edge to complete the task. But since you are an eighteen year old with raging hormones, I really doubt it will take you very long to get ready again."

That comment made Harry look up in confusion. He had thought it would be the other way round – that Severus would be making love to him. He just could not picture Severus as the receiving part in this little game for two. Harry rolled to his side and propped himself up on one elbow. Frowning, he looked Severus straight in the eyes and asked, "Me? But I thought…"

"You thought what?" Severus interrupted him. It angered him that Harry always seemed to see him as an extremely dominating person. He, of all people, should know better than that. In a cool voice he continued, "You assumed that it would be the other way around? No way. If you think I will risk the life of our daughter by shagging you senseless, then you are a fool. Think again."

ooOoo

Severus had been right, it had not taken long to arouse Harry again. With kisses, bites and caresses, Severus had managed to set him on fire again in no time. However, contrary to the somewhat lovingly attention Severus had paid his husband earlier, now the whole ordeal seemed to take on a more business-like quality.

Harry couldn't quite put a finger on it, but something about Severus felt off. It was as if the nearer they came to the actual shagging, the more Severus seemed to shut him out. Harry could not think of a reason, besides Severus' obvious problems with giving up control. It would not be the first time they were intimate together and Severus had been the one to insist on being bottom.

Finally, Harry decided that it might be his nerves that made him see things that were not there. Severus had been very passionate the whole evening through and from the bits Harry could remember, the night of the victory party as well. Maybe his bonded was as nervous as Harry was himself and that was the reason why he acted different now. They were, after all, about to complete the bond and seal their fates for about the next 17 years. Harry was startled out of his thoughts, when Severus gripped his shoulder tightly and tried to get his attention.

"How do you want me?" Severus asked in a neutral tone.

Harry had to suppress a moan at this question. Images of his love in various positions crossed his mind until he got himself under control. After thinking about it for a moment, he panicked slightly. How was he supposed to get through this? He could not look into Severus face while making love to him. That was impossible. He was too scared of what he would see – or not see: LOVE. His decision was made quickly.

"On your hands and knees!" he commanded in the same tone Severus had used.

His husband obeyed instantly. Turing away from him on the bed, Severus arranged himself for Harry.

Maybe things would have been different had Harry noticed the hurt and slightly panicked look in his husbands eyes.

He did not. Instead, Harry reached out and began to caress and massage Severus' back and lower, he tried to further arouse his husband.

It still somehow felt wrong.

Taking a deep breath, Severus did his best to not tense and flinch away from Harry's touch. He had thought it would be easier, he had thought he could do this. He had hoped he would be able to see Harry's face while doing it; it seemed like fate was against him. Slowly, but steadily, a creeping cold settled into Severus' stomach. His mind, his intellect knew this was Harry touching him - his husband, the person he loved above everything in the world, but his body was betraying him. Memories, buried deep inside him, sprang to life – rough hands touching him, holding him in place, hurting him.

Life as a Death Eater and spy had not been easy by any means and pain had been a constant factor in his life. After some time he had gotten used to being hit with the Cruciatus curse, and the fact that Voldemort enjoyed watching when his Death Eaters 'performed' for him - refusal equaled death. It didn't lessen the pain though, nor did it help with the nightmares. Severus had assumed he would be able to handle the bonding, having spent a night with Harry already and knowing Harry was the one person he loved. He had hoped that the knowledge that Harry would never willingly hurt him, would be enough to keep the memories in check. He was proven wrong.

Harry felt Severus tremble and sensed that this had nothing at all to do with arousal. Knowing of Severus' problems with giving up control, but oblivious to the depth of the damage done, he began to rub his husbands back soothingly. "Relax, Severus. Everything is alright. I won't harm you, I promise. You are still in control, you can tell me to stop whenever you feel like it. Severus, do you hear want I'm saying? This is going to be alright."

Hearing Harry murmur words of comfort, Severus felt utterly ashamed to have shown any weakness. Pulling himself together and aiming for a neutral tone, he said, "I am alright, Harry, don't worry. This is just a very unusual situation for me, but nothing that really matters. You do know very well we don't have the luxury of getting better accustomed to this situation. So please do not further worry about me, I believe you were about to 'seduce' me"

For a moment he sounded like the person Harry had known before the war had begun, the man he had been before he had allowed Harry to see behind his mask.

"If you say so," Harry uttered and reluctantly began to stoke Severus again.

Severus gasped, surprised, he noticed that it felt different than he had anticipated - very different. Of course, he knew how it was done, he had done it to Harry 'that night' after all – it was just that it had never been done to him before. It was one of those things his intellect had known, but he had never actually experienced.

Careful not to cause Severus pain in any way, Harry continued his ministrations. The moment he found what he sought, his husband hissed in pleasure. "Liked that, huh?" Harry stated, the smirk he could not hide evident in his voice.

Oh yes, it was pleasant. Very pleasant indeed. If Harry kept evoking these feelings in him, Severus thought, then he would not mind his role in their love making – not at all. He had not known it could actually feel this good.

By the time Harry decided Severus was ready for him, his husband was writhing in pleasure beneath him. "Are you ready, Severus?"

"Yes, go on." Severus managed to choke out. Though Harry had him made feel so good, Severus panicked slightly at the first touch. Once again, Harry seemed to sense it and the young wizard rubbed his back soothingly once more.

"Relax for me, Severus, breathe. It is going to be ok, trust me." His voice was warm, gentle and reassuring.

Severus squeezed his eyes shut when he and Harry finally joined, but the pain he expected never came. This wasn't bad, not bad at all.

Harry willed himself to go slowly and not hurt his love.

Harry held still to collect himself, and to give his husband time to adjust. Breathing deeply, Harry tried to get his arousal under control. At this moment, Severus shifted his hips. Harry gasped and gripped Severus' hips, a strangled sound escaping his throat.

"Damn, Harry, move, you are killing me here!" Severus panted, trying to make Harry take some action. This felt so much better he could have ever imagined.

When Harry didn't react, Severus tried to move himself, but that didn't work either, because his husband had his hips in a tight grip.

Finally, Harry took mercy on Severus and shifted his hips a bit. This time Severus moaned in pleasure.

"More!" Severus demanded in a husky voice and Harry gladly obeyed. Yes, he knew this feeling all too well, and he remembered that he himself had begged for 'more' the night of the victory party. Oh, yes, certain things he did remember now.

Severus was murmuring incoherent words and was trying to meet his every movement by now. Harry knew, his love was as close to the edge as he was himself.

"That's it, Severus, … " Harry murmured when he felt his husband was nearing completion. Harry was totally unaware of the magic seeping through their bodies as they continued.

Then, feeling Severus reach release, Harry reached his own climax with a strangled cry.

Severus dropped himself onto the bed, feeling like his bones had turned to jelly. Harry fell on top of him.

Panting heavily Harry pressed a gentle kiss to the damp piece of skin that was Severus' neck and whispered a sleepy "I love you, Sev!"

Severus froze. Had he heard right? Had Harry really murmured something about 'love', or was this all a product of wishful thinking? Severus needed to know whether or not it had been real. Moving slowly under Harry, who was still lying on top of him, he tried to struggle free and look his husband in the eyes – to no avail. He was caught under Harry.

Holding his breath, he finally asked in a hollow voice, "What did you just say?"

This time, Harry froze. How could he let something like that slip? Had he really been so careless as to say it out loud? Oh Merlin, what a mess. Severus was never supposed to know about the feelings he was trying so desperately to hide. Thinking fast, he said the only thing that came to his mind at that moment.

"I said, 'I love to shag you.'"

ooOoo

A good fuck. A casual shag. That was all he was and all he would ever be to his handsome young husband.

It seemed like an eternity since Harry had said those words to him and still the pain would not go away. Slowly, but steadily, Severus turned back to the man he had been; the man he had been before the war had ended – before the friendship to a burdened young man had changed him so much.

Now the old Snape was back.

The ever sarcastic, taking housepoints, giving detention kind of person none of the students had wished to ever see again. Still, when Harry and Severus were together in public, they kept acting like the happily married couple. Soon the rumors were that Snape would turn back into his "balanced" self, once his young husband had given birth and they could share the bed again. Indeed, the Potions Master had not touched Harry since the wedding night – which had nothing to do with the pregnancy or any of Poppy's directions, but with Harry warding his door.

As expected, Harry had started to lock the door to his quarters right after the wedding night and the topic of sharing a bed had never been discussed again. Harry seemed to have no interest in sex with his husband at all and Severus would never had admitted it, even if he felt differently.

Though they were the happy couple to the outside world, what was going on behind the closed door of their quarters was pure hell.

After their lessons and dinner at the Great Hall, the two of them would spend their time reading in front of the fireplace, grading papers or preparing lessons. Every now and then they would play a game of chess together, Severus usually winning. It was all about courtesy; the peaceful friendship, the talks, the time when they could just relax in each others company – this time was gone. Sometimes it felt to them like their closeness had never existed.

Slowly this strain was taking it's toll on Harry as well.

Those who noticed it besides Severus thought it to be the side-effects of the pregnancy, but a few others knew the real reason why Harry looked so sad and tired all the time, lately. It was their farce of a marriage.

Harry's eyes lost their shimmer and he was seen with hanging shoulders, like a heavy burden was pressing him down. He looked worse than he had before the final battle. The 'glow' that had surrounded him from the beginning of his pregnancy faded away; he now looked pale all the time.

It was somehow fitting that their first big fight should happen on Christmas eve…

ooOoo

Severus stormed angrily into their living room where Harry sat in front of a beautiful Christmas tree, reading.

"When exactly had you planned on telling me that Madame Pomfrey is concerned about your health? She says you are depressed and that she asked you to reduce teaching until Ebony is born, but you refused to do so. She also told me she had ordered that you rest for an hour after lunch. Poppy just asked me if you were following her instructions. I can't remember seeing you lie down during the day, and most of the time you are not even in our quarters during lunch break. What the hell did you think? Did you think at all? Are you trying to endanger our child or is it that you just don't care? Ebony is my daughter, too!"

Harry, who had been startled when Severus came rushing into the room now definitely looked angry.

"Oh, like I could ever forget that little fact. It is what put us in this situation in the first place, isn't it? I know very well that you are concerned about Ebony's well-being. Are you scared the brood-mare could damage your precious heir?" Harry hissed sarcastically. "Oh – I forgot, she isn't your heir, is she?"

Harry got up, his eyes shooting daggers. Suddenly the air around him began to swirl and an aura surrounded him – once again glowing in an angry green.

Severus tried to say something but Harry stopped him.

"No! Now you listen to me! I am sick and tired of this little game. Something has to change. Do you realize all we ever talk about is school lessons and my health? There was a time when I was a friend, not just someone who was carrying your child due to a mere accident." Harry yelled at his stunned husband.

"Being around each other is like walking on eggshells, and it's driving me insane. I won't have it any more." At his last word all the glass ornaments on the Christmas-tree burst, sending tiny glass pieces flying through the room.

Harry didn't seem to realize what was going on around him.

Then, suddenly a panicked look crossed the younger wizards face and Severus watched in horror as a wave of pure white magical energy emerged from Harry's body. The power of the outburst made the furniture shake and almost sent the Potions Master flying into the nearest wall. Severus watched helplessly as his husband sank to the floor as though it was happening in slow-motion – unconscious.

ooOoo

Severus watched in silence as the medi-witch cast spell after spell upon his unconscious mate. She had not said a single word to him since he had brought Harry to the infirmary and had told her what had happened. Finally, after what seemed like eternity to Severus, Poppy addressed him, a puzzled look upon her face.

"Severus, are you sure things happened exactly as you told me? You did not leave out something or well, 'change' it to spare Harry trouble?"

The Potions Master looked at her in disbelief, "Are you serious, woman? Why would I lie to you when this concerns the health of my husband and daughter? Why would I do such a stupid thing? Of course everything happened exactly as I told you. Why do you ask? Speak up already! What is the matter?"

"Well, Severus, the results I get from Harry are very unusual. It seems like Harry's results are somehow mixing up with Ebony's. This is the only logical answer I have for the strange results I get from my scans. Harry's and Ebony's combined magical power is quite a bit to handle. I guess when Harry became enraged, Ebony got upset as well. This caused Harry to lose control over his own magical powers and triggered Ebony's magic to flow as well. It became too much for him to handle and he got rid of it the only way possible – letting go completely. This is all I can come up with at the moment. It is almost impossible that all this magical power is Harry's own," She said, adding a silent If it were you never could have impregnated him.

"What does that mean for him?" Severus asked, concerned that Harry or Ebony could have been harmed in any way during their argument.

"It means," Poppy began and patted Severus hand slightly, "that your husband is exhausted because he drained himself and little Ebony of a large amount of their magic. Nothing serious, though. He will need some sleep now and a lot of rest during the next few days, but he has not done any permanent harm to himself or your daughter. Go and sit with him, he should wake soon." With that she left Severus alone.

ooOoo

"I'm sorry!" Harry murmured as soon as he woke. Severus, who had been sitting by his bed, holding his hand for the past hour smiled at him when he saw the younger man stir.

"No, you were right." Severus said quietly. He needed to say what was on his mind, needed to make sure Harry would not upset himself again. It was, after all, partially his fault that Harry was unhappy. So he said, "I should have shown more interest in you and your concerns. It's just…" he broke off, unable to say what he wanted to say.

"It's just WHAT?" Harry asked and watched the Potions master carefully.

"It is just that …" I can't stand it to have you near and not be able to touch you or hold you; to show you how much I love you. "I am not used to having someone around all the time. I will try to change my behavior. It's not like we need to rush anything." He said and rubbed his wedding band absentmindedly before adding, "We have several years to get accustomed to living together."