Chapter 15: Chain reaction

Harry woke from his nightmare with a start, feeling disoriented for a moment, then reality sank in and he sighed. The familiar dry feeling of the skin on his face told him, that he had cried himself to sleep once again; like he had done every single day since his wedding night. Their fight on Christmas eve had not changed things as much as he had hoped. Yes, Severus was trying, that much was obvious, but that didn't change the fact that Harry knew he was trying and that this 'peace' was not for real. Severus shouldn't have to pretend to be comfortable around him, when he was not.

Sighing, Harry rose from his bed and put on a dark robe. It was not the first time he cursed the circumstances that had lead to their hasty bonding. How he wished they had gotten the chance to do this of their own accord. Maybe, just maybe, there would have been a chance for happiness then; but now everything was ruined. Harry knew Severus was not happy either, he could see it in his husbands eyes every time he looked at him. There was a sadness lingering in them that he had never expected to see again.

Silently opening the door, Harry left his room and headed over to the nursery. Moonlight filled the room and threw a pattern on the floor. In one corner of the room there was a rocking chair and in the other corner there was a beautiful crib. Albus had insisted every child needed a Teddy bear and so there was a fluffy brown bear in the bed, waiting for Ebony to take it into her tiny arms.

Harry felt his throat tighten and his eyes filled with tears as he thought about her. Ebony, his reason for getting up every morning. She was what he focused on when he felt like breaking down. Yes, he had taken Poppy's advice and had reduced teaching. He was sleeping more and taking long lonely walks around the lake, but he could not fill the emptiness inside him; not even his little girl could take away that feeling.

Madame Pomfrey had called it pregnancy induced mood swings and sometimes depression, but Harry knew what was making his heart ache and brought tears to his eyes every night – and that had nothing to do with pregnancy hormones at all. It was the fact that he was caught in a marriage with a man he loved deeply, but who did not love him in return. By now he felt like he would rather face Voldemort over and over again, than to have to live with this pain for the next 17 years. Still, he knew, to end the contract would solve nothing at all.

Taking one last look at the nursery, he turned and walked back to his room. Spelling on a pair of warm socks and different shoes – he could not reach his feet so easily any more - he grabbed his invisibility cloak out of a drawer and slipped it over himself. He desperately needed a walk around the castle. Though he was a teacher now, and it was perfectly within the rules to be outside his rooms in the middle of the night, Harry still preferred not to be seen at all. Fortunately he had – just before he had destroyed Voldemort he had managed to convince the castle to work with him to ensure his privacy, allowing him to move about without it giving Albus his location. It was liberating knowing it was almost impossible to detect his location most of the time.

Careful to not make any noise and wake his husband, Harry slipped out of their quarters and into the cool night air of the castle corridors.

ooOoo

With a flick of his wand Severus lit all the candles in his bedroom. It was 3 am and Harry was out in the castle again. He knew his young husband did this kind of thing often lately and it confirmed that Harry was as restless as he had thought. When Voldemort had still been alive, and Harry had been woken by an exceptionally cruel nightmare or vision, he used to wander around the castle; Severus had known that.

Suppressing the urge to throw something against the nearest wall, Severus decided to dress and wait for Harry's return in the living room. They needed to talk and they needed to do it soon; this whole situation was unbearable. To Severus it was very obvious that Harry was extremely unhappy in their marriage and it pained him to see the man he loved, like that.

Something needed to be done, and if that something was to end the contract, then so be it. He would not have Harry suffer any longer when all that would happen to him, Severus, would be more public harassing. He was used to it, having posed as a Death Eater for so long; he knew what it meant to be despised. It was a small price to pay for Harry's happiness.

As he dressed in his teaching robes, Severus thought about the last few months. He knew that Harry did not really feel better, he was just hiding his pain better. If only Harry had known how useless it was. Severus had been able to see behind all of his masks for a long time now. Oh, yes, he knew of Harry's pain, and what he could see in those emerald eyes made his heart ache.

Maybe it just wasn't supposed to be. Maybe they were just not meant for each other after all. Maybe it was better to end it now before they irreversibly damaged what was left of their friendship. Maybe Harry deserved someone better than an old, worn out Potions Master with not much to offer to a young, handsome man.

With that thought Severus made himself comfortable in a chair in front of the fire.

OoOoo

Harry walked around the castle without any real destination. He went where his feet carried him and he was surprised when he heard loud, angry voices from the direction of the staff room. That surprised Harry. It was, after all, around 3 am and the staff should be sleeping at this time, shouldn't they?

Yeah, right, just like you are sleeping… the little voice in Harry's head hissed sarcastically.

Intrigued, Harry moved silently closer, careful to not attract any attention, though he doubted the two fighting wizards would notice him above their yelling. Surprised, Harry identified the two voices as the ones of the Headmaster and his Deputy Headmistress. When he finally reached the slightly open door, he could understand what Minerva was yelling. What he heard made his stomach turn to ice and something in him broke.

" … told you so Albus! I told you it would end badly, but you never listen to what I say. This time you have gone too far. Can't you see what it is doing to them? Can't you see how they suffer? What did you think, Albus? That they would happily settle into a marriage that was pressed upon them by you and those imbecile kids? That …" she was interrupted by a very stressed sounding Headmaster.

"Minerva, please, you know what we did was for their own good. Without this bonding … "

"Without this bonding Harry would not have a depression and Severus would not act like a bitter old man once again." She raised her hand to silence him when he tried to interrupt her once again.

"No, Albus, now you listen to me. I know you have been meddling with their lives for a very long time, but you had no right, no right at all to do something like this to them. I also know the Weasley kid is not the brightest one when it comes to life-changing decisions, but at least from Miss Granger I would have expected something better. They are his best friends, for Merlin's sake, they should have refused you and warned him…."

Harry had heard enough. He ignored the cold hand that seemed to grip his heart, ignored the warning kick he received from his daughter because she felt uncomfortable when he was upset. Turning around silently and hurrying away in the direction of his quarters, he did his best to also try to ignore the feeling of betrayal that burned like fire in his chest. Albus, Ron, Hermione – people he had trusted, people he had considered his closest friends had turned on him, had manipulated him, had deliberately ignored his feelings and wishes.

Half way to his quarters, another feeling began to creep up his chest. DOUBT. Doubt about Severus' honesty, doubt about his role in this farce, doubt if he had really not known about the Headmasters plan. Had he not agreed to this bonding too readily? He had not even tried to argue or find another solution… and he was a master in acting, had done it practically most of his life…

Feeling slightly dizzy, Harry realized he had no one left to turn to. No one he could trust any more, no one he could talk to, no one to sooth his fears. He was all alone, bound to a husband who did not love him and had most probably betrayed him. His friends, the persons he had considered his surrogate family, had hurt him beyond repair. Nothing left to live for, nothing left to go on for, nothing at all…

At this very moment his daughter kicked him hard and Harry felt ashamed of his thoughts. He was living for her and her alone. She would be his life and his hope; his everything. He did not need his friends nor his husband, as long as she was safe and protected by this farce of a marriage he and Severus were committed to. He would go through everything for her. She was worth it, all of it. In time, Harry knew, the pain in his chest would change to a numb feeling, eventually fading to emptiness – a feeling he was already familiar with. He would live through it, he would survive – he always did.

Muttering the password to his quarters, Harry silently sneaked into the room. He was surprised when he saw Severus sitting in front of the fireplace, reading a book. His husband looked up, when he entered the door and Harry let the cloak slip from his form and reveal him to his mates eyes.

Putting the book away with careful, controlled movements, Severus looked at Harry. His love looked even more miserable than he had expected. The look in Harry's eyes confirmed Severus' suspicions that his husband was trying unsuccessfully to ease his unhappiness and it also confirmed, that it would be the best for him to end the contract.

Watching Severus silently, Harry finally managed to bring his emotions under control and put a blank expression on his face. He did not want for Severus to see how badly he had been hurt once again. What was he doing up at this time anyways? Why was he sitting here in the living room, waiting for him? What was this all about?

"I see you have been out for a walk," Severus stated in a low voice that gave nothing away about his feelings. "Please, Harry, have a seat, we need to talk about some things."

A cold feeling settled into Harry's stomach. If something was so important that Severus wanted to talk it through in the middle of the night, then it had to be something unpleasant. Closing his eyes in defeat, Harry sat down beside his husband. He felt empty, and lonely and cold, so cold. Had he not been hurt enough for one day – or well, hour? What had he done to deserve so much pain?

Then Severus began to speak and his worst fears came true.

"Harry, I needed to talk to you, because I think things can't go on like this. It is quite obvious that you are not happy in this marriage, and as much as I had hoped this would work out, I think we both know it does not. You have been feeling worse each day since the night we bonded and I am concerned about your health. Don't even try to deny it, I can see it as well as everyone else. So, to come to the point, I want to end the contract and this sad excuse of a marriage. Believe me, it is for your own good."

Harry felt like his world was falling apart around him. Severus wanted to end the bonding. He wanted to rob him of the only possible way he had to protect his child.

"… for their own good …" Dumbledore had said … for your own good…" Severus had just stated. So he knew all the time. Harry thought. The realization burned like fire in his chest. The same words, the same pain. Once again someone else had taken the control over his life, had made decisions for him, had betrayed him. Once again, he had been nothing more than a pawn in a game others played. It would never end, never.

Something in Harry snapped. The last bit of control he had held over his feelings came crashing down. He looked at Severus with unseeing eyes, unable to get a grip on the overwhelming pain that had taken over his body and his mind.

Severus watched as Harry's control slipped, he could see it when it began. What he had not expected was the total devastation the young wizards face held. He rose in the intention to touch him, hold him tight, tell him it would be alright, kiss him and make it better. He gasped when Harry backed away from him.

"Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me again! None of you! You manipulating, betraying bastards. I should have known you belonged to them! I should have known I could not trust you … I should have known, I should have known…" the young wizard was almost sobbing now, his voice breaking with the effort not to cry.

"Oh, but here I am, hoping against hope you were not one of them, not one of those people who called themselves my friends only to stab me in the back at the first occasion. Did you all have a good laugh at my expense, Severus? Had you planned it out - you and that old goat that calls himself Headmaster? Oh, and not to forget my know-it-all mudblood 'friend' and her Weasley idiot… did they help you to figure out how to best manipulate me – not that that meddling old fool ever needed help before…"

A sinking feeling settled into Severus' stomach. This sounded bad, really bad. If Harry's suspicions were true and the Headmaster and his own friends were responsible for the Daily Prophet article, then Harry had every right to be hurt and angry. Though it pained Severus as well that Harry did not trust him and would believe he would help those idiots manipulating him. Trying to calm down the sobbing wizard, Severus made another move in Harry's direction. Harry would have none of it.

"Stay away from me!" he yelled and flicked his wrist. In an amazing display of wandless magic and unexpected power, Harry sent Severus flying into the nearest chair. He had reacted without thinking and looked as surprised as Severus about what he had done. His shock didn't last long though. Turning around, he fled the room, blinded by tears, sobbing out a last "I am out of here!"

In a swirl of robes, Harry ran through the corridors of the silent castle. He needed to get out, he needed space, he needed air. He could not breath through the pain that was burning in his chest and in his soul. Stumbling a few times and still blinded by tears, he just ran. He didn't even slow down his pace as he reached the moving stairs.

The castle tried to cooperate with Harry tried to ease the way for him, tried to keep him safe – to no avail. When he reached the third set of stairs he stumbled, twisted his ankle by stepping on his robes and fell – eight months pregnant – off the moving stairs.

A/N: I know, I know; a cliffie... Tell me what you think anyways? Please?