Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural and promise to return all things safely back when am done playing with them.
Note: - this one shot has many spoilers; basically everything up to the Benders is fair game. It was just a piece inspired by my own late night reflections and how strangely full of perspective late night thoughts can be. A chick-flick moment between the brothers at the end.
The eerie light of the window seemed only to dim as the door swung shut. Sam collapsed on the bed, deliberately ruling his head not to think. He didn't want to think. He wanted to taste the sweet chocolate flavors as they dissolved in his mouth, to focus on the softness of pillow below his head and not remember the leather and petrol smells that he had just walked away from, smells that felt like home when the scent of cookies seemed foreign.
And then he felt the first drop. Just as he always did. The unsubtle smell of cooper, again familiar, the warm liquid rolling down his checks, the vivid blond of Jess's hair, the pillows sinking and the blankets snaking around him as he floundered, like a fish drowning on land, and then his scream, his lungs releasing his emotions, then choking on smoke, hands, firm, tight, pulling, his brother guiding him, carrying him from the fire……heat…again… his world, the ash…those hands pulling him back, as voice guiding him………. Dean!
"Sam" a gentle voice, softer than his brother's caught his arms as Sam sat upright in his bed, his breath short and strained, his cheeks wet with fresh tears.
Sam knew instantly it wasn't his brother, knew that Dean wasn't even in the room, and yet the first word off of his lips was his brother's name. "Dean?"
"Sorry kiddo," the pale light illuminated her face and Sam saw Cassie's concerned features smile gently at him. "He's coming though, said something about a few card games down the road two hours ago."
Sam struggled to fit all this into his brain, trying physically to shake the nightmare and remember what had been happening, why his night routine had changed. "Shit Cassie" he whispered his voice still hoarse as he struggled to take regular breaths, "I didn't mean to…"
Cassie though cut of his words with another smile, this time reaching up to brush Sam's bangs away from his face "Don't sweat Sam, I was up anyway. That brother of yours said thirty minutes."
As Sam tried to form coherent sentences, he registered that Dean must have gone to make some money at one of the bars in the town they were staying in. He remembered how this whole trip had been their idea of a rest. The Winchester style break, Sam thought his awareness returning as his thoughts from his nightmare gave way to familiar feelings of concern and understanding. Why just have rest when you can actually earn money, recuperate and touch base with the few people who hang around long enough to keep in touch with.
Dean had insisted they stop here, partly because Sam's nightmares weren't letting him rest in the car and partly because this town had a good few pubs and pool halls where Dean could try his luck without being driven out of the place. It helped that Cassie was close. It had taken Sam the best part of a morning to convince Dean he should call her, and even then it had been a dare, several accusations and a blackmail request later that Cassie had eventually exchanged words with Dean. As it turned she said she needed a break too and here they were.
Although technically Cassie had her own room, it was Sam that was boarding alone this time around. Cassie had arrived yesterday and after that the only real time Sam had seen the two of them was for dinner that evening. Not that Sam minded, Dean deserved this, and Sam for the first time in many months actually went to sleep without the guilty feeling that in only a few hours he would be walking up his brother due to another nightmare.
"Sam?" Cassie's voice brought Sam back from his thoughts. So much not disturbing anyone he thought his anger at himself rising. God was he just made to cause problems in other people's lives. "You still with me kid, or do I need to grab some of Dean's music tapes to fully wake you up?"
Sam tried to smile, appreciating Cassie's attempt at humour, knowing she realised how embarrassed he must be feeling. "I'm sorry" he said again, "I just… I… I'm fine now" he finished lamely "You don't have to…"
"Did Dean tell you he couldn't lie to me" Cassie asked interrupting him again. When Sam shook his head Cassie grinned "And guess what Sam he's far better liar than you"
Sam couldn't help the smile that came over his face; he was beginning to see what Dean saw in this woman. "Dean's said that a couple times to" he agreed somewhat ruefully, "He tried to teach me when we were kids."
"How did you do?" Cassie asked
"Okay I guess, I could always fool dad so I suppose I was doing well" I wonder if that was just because dad was just to distracted to notice, Sam thought suddenly and for some reason the thought maybe him shiver.
"Not Dean though" Cassie shifted as she saw Sam was cold and gently covered him more with his blanket.
"Never Dean" Sam said and then sighed as he caught Cassie's amusement filled eyes. "It still annoys the hell out of me" he confessed.
"I'll bet it does" his brother's girlfriend, partner…whatever heck it was that she was called grinned "He's probably argue to its advantage though"
"Yeah well Dean was never a fountain of good ideas" Sam muttered "He still thinks watching infomercials at 2am is a cure for insomnia"
"Nightmares are easier to deal with if there's someone waiting for you when you wake up" Cassie said gently, her voice serious.
Sam glanced at her sharply and she sighed "The truck" she admitted "My mother can't sleep anymore, but she's says she sleeps easier knowing I'm their next to her"
"She's right" Sam admitted 'But just because Dean is there to hold onto when I wake up doesn't…" Sam couldn't finish. He didn't know what to say. How could he say reliving the day the person you loved died was unfair when you were the reason they had been killed. And yet Sam wanted to scream it! He was sick of this job at times, of waking up with more and more gruesome images in his head. He wanted to sleep and rest. It was unfair to dream of shooting your brother; it wasn't fair he dreamt of cages of and his brother lying in his own pool blood….. But he deserved it, everything his family had gone through, where going through, all began with him. It was his cross to bear and he should just shut up and deal. But somehow, because of the late hour, and an outsider who showed concern, he wanted to admit, at least to himself that he was tired. And at that point Sam Winchester cursed his father. Due to him and his training, his lectures on emotions, Sam couldn't even do that
"It's not fair Sam" Cassie finished gently as if she guessed all the things Sam couldn't and would never say. "The people we love never want us to suffer, and if your dreams are hurting you, then they are unfair." She looked into his eyes and Sam felt the tears brimming anew. "She never would have wanted you to keep silent Sam" Cassie continued. "I had to lose Dean to realize why I came second. This life, it's what he knows and what he has to do, it what makes part of the person I love. Jess would have seen the same thing in you if she loved you half as much as I can tell you loved her."
"She died because she loved me" Sam's voice was broken and his full eyes were threatening to spill.
"She died for a reason. A fucked up reason but it was their all the same" Cassie said softly, reaching over to thumb away a stray tear. "The important thing is she loved you, that's what you need to remember. Dream about the time you had"
Sam shook his head shakily; "Everyone I love…" his voice broke completely then as Sam struggled to keep his sobs at bay. "They all… I can't let…dreams… Dean…"
Cassie looked on helplessly as years of emotion training conflicted sharply with Sam's current state of mind. She watched as he struggled to hold back. "Those things aren't your fault Sam" she tried gently "And I don't think anything is going to happen to Dean that he doesn't plan on"
"Damn right it's not Sammy" and both heads turned towards the familiar voice whose owner stood silhouetted against the open motel room door.
"Dean?" Sam whispered and barely registered Cassie moving off the bed so that Dean could around and take her place.
Dean smiled as gently as he could and reached out to grasp Sam's trembling shoulders. "Is that why these nightmares have continued for so long?" he asked. "Is that what you think? That your penance for Jessica is tied to you being tormented in your sleep" He could feel Sam's last remaining control start to slip away. "Oh Sammy why didn't you tell me" he finished as the first of Sam's tears fell, splashing heavily onto his check.
Dean pulled the shaking body of his baby brother tightly into his chest then, wrapping his arms securely around Sam as he held him. Sam let his hands move into his brother's over shirt, fisted them their and sobbed. Huge gulping sobs as he finally released all the pain, all the fear all the anger he had been carrying. All the emotions that Dean had once said would kill him if he kept inside.
Cassie smiled sadly, her own eyes filling as she saw Sam's grief. She tried to imagine how she would bear even the remotest of responsibility that someone she had loved had died solely because of her. Her eyes burned harder and she felt renewed sorrow for the young boy in her boyfriend's arms.
She listened as Dean finally spoke softly, heard Sam's sobs subside slightly as Dean rubbed his back. Probably to fend of another panic attack, she reasoned. Saw Dean's chest breath evenly, allowing Sam to copy his pattern. And then soft silence as Sam calmed, his head resting on his brother's chest, listening to the familiar beat of his brother's heart, letting it act as a relaxant.
Cassie knew the instant Sam felt better. Even through Dean's shirt she still caught the muffled "I'm sorry" which she guessed was pretty much directed at her.
"That's the third apology in less than thirty minutes Sam" she said lightly. "Why don't you just stop apologising and make some decent offers like offering to buy me breakfast later on today."
"Didn't think you both would be joining me for breakfast" Sam said sleepily. Dean's arms were warm and they provided shelter from the continual assault of fear that the dark brought with it.
Dean looked up at Cassie and was glad to see her nod at him. "We'll be their Sammy, we both will. Cassie's offered to take us on a tour of her own home state"
"You go" Sam insisted knowing how limited his brother's time really was with woman he loved. "I can sleep in"
"Nah Sammy, who will I pick on without you their" Dean's words were light but he spoke firmly letting Sam know this wasn't a discussion.
"You won't be picking on him tomorrow" Cassie interjected "Unless you can be mean and nasty from the back seat"
"The hell I'm sitting in the back of my own car" Dean snarled, nothing feigned this time.
"Well I'll be navigating and Sam can drive"
"Why can't I"
Dean regretted that question the instant the answer came back to him in stereo "outvoted!"
Dean felt his mouth flap open, unsure of a comeback and yet not willing to let it go. Cassie reached down and with a quick grin to Sam gently closed Dean's jaw. "The flies don't need a new home" she said. "Now if you boys will excuse I think its time I went to bed." She glanced at Dean and nodded when he moved his gaze from Sam back to her. She had already guessed he wouldn't join her tonight. She hadn't been expecting him too. Luckily Sam's head was still tucked under his brother's chin and missed this non-verbal conversation. Sam didn't need more notches to his guilt post.
"Night Cass" Dean said softly. "See you in the morning. Make sure you lock your door"
"Thank you" Sam said just before Cassie could step out of the room, his voice indicating he was already halfway asleep.
Cassie paused and turned back "You're welcome Sam" she said softly and then added knowing Sam probably couldn't hear, "I owed someone I love I favour.'
She never knew how much Dean heard, or whether the single rose on her plate the next days was a result of those words or what had happened earlier the previous evening. Some things were better left for the night, and for understanding in the dark. Or sometimes for not understanding at all. After like she had said herself to someone she loved, thing usually work themselves out if you want them to. Maybe all it needed was the light of night to see things clearly.
Please let me know what you think, Love Bessie