Chapter 18: "If only I'd known..."
Harry Potter had made his decision. If getting back the man he used to know, the man he had fallen in love with, came with a price, then he would pay that price. Maybe it was a good idea after all to end that damn contract. It had brought both of them only hurt and tears, because it had not been of their own volition, and because it was just not what they really, truly wanted to do. It was done out of false motives.
So, if ending the contract meant losing his husband but getting his friend back, then this was worth it. They didn't know each other any more as it was, anyway. He had not felt this distant from Severus since before the birth of their daughter. Yes, since the accident Severus was gentle and kind, loving and caring, but Harry was not exactly sure how much of his behavior was the result of guilt. Guilt and pity, the two things Harry never wanted from anyone, ever.
Funny enough, at times, Severus actually seemed to believe that there could be a future for their family. That things could be worked out, even though they had almost become strangers over the course of the last few months. Harry didn't know what it was Severus had been clinging to, but obviously he now had decided that ending the contract would be a good idea. Maybe it really was. Maybe, this was, in the end, their chance to start anew – as friends and then they could move forward.
ooOoo
It had been three days since Poppy had given him a piece of good advice and Severus had finally found the courage to try and talk to Harry. Severus found him as he was just about to leave the infirmary. He didn't have Ebony with him.
"Harry, I need to talk to you," Severus began, expecting to be ignored or downright rejected – Harry had been unnaturally silent over the last three days. To Severus' great surprise though, Harry just nodded his head in agreement, saying, "I was searching for you anyway, because I wanted to talk to you as well. How about we go somewhere more private? Poppy agreed to watch Ebony for us."
Silently they made their way to their quarters, both lost in their thoughts of what the other might want to talk about.
As soon as the two of them had reached the living room, Harry flicked his wrist, whispering a few words under his breath. Severus stared at him in disbelief. He could feel the magic of exceptionally strong wards surround them; wards that required a great deal of concentration, magical power and a very clear incantation. Severus was astounded by how easily Harry put up such a complicated ward. He should not have been able to do it the way he had. Or more precisely, he should not have been able to do it at all – not without his wand. "What have you just done, Harry?" he asked curiously.
"I have put up some silencing and anti-spying wards," Harry replied. "The walls have ears and eyes you know? I am sure you don't want Albus to hear this, do you?"
Severus shook his head no and elaborated, "I know you put up wards, Harry, I can feel them. What I meant was how you did it."
"What do you mean 'how' I did it? Just like how you do it too, I suppose," Harry answered, impatience entering his tone. "I said the words and…" he broke off, thinking about it for a moment.
"Where is your wand, Harry?" Severus asked softly.
Harry took it out of his robes and stared at it. "I didn't use my wand," he whispered, sounding surprised.
"No, you didn't," Severus agreed. "This is not the first time you didn't use your wand, Harry," Severus reminded him.
"But… but…,"Harry stammered. He was confused beyond words. How was this possible? "I thought it had been because I was angry, last time. Though, when I think about it now…I might have done something like this before without realizing it. It…it just felt natural. I've had a lot of magical energy lately, but I thought it was Ebony supporting me. Seems I was wrong." He kept staring at the wand in his hands.
"We should this have examined," Severus exclaimed, but Harry interrupted him.
"No, Severus, no. We are doing no such thing. I will not play the lab rat for anyone, not now and not in the future. Now, I believe we came here for a reason – I thought we needed to talk. So, since you were the one to ask first, you may as well begin," Harry said. He seemed to be quite tense.
Not that Severus was not as nervous as Harry seemed to be - he was after all about to say something, he had never ever said before – to anyone. He was taking a great risk in telling Harry his feelings, but after thinking it through thoroughly Severus had come to the decision, that Poppy was right; Harry had a right to hear it.
Gathering all his courage, Severus stood in front of his young husband. He took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with. "I love you, Harry!" Severus confessed and looked Harry in the eyes. There, he had said it aloud. The reaction, though, was nothing like he had imagined it. Clearly surprised, Harry looked at him for a moment and said, "I am sorry, Severus, but I have a hard time believing that."
When he saw the anger and hurt on his husband's face, he added, "Don't get me wrong, Severus, I am not saying that you are lying, I just say that after all the things that happened between us, this is quite hard to believe, don't you agree?" His voice was calm and he sounded perfectly reasonable.
"Would you please elaborate on your answer?" Severus asked icily, instead of commenting on Harry's question.
Sighing almost inaudibly, Harry explained, "You know Severus, a few months ago I would have given almost everything to hear you say those words, but that was before I got pregnant by you without realizing it, before we had this nasty fight in the infirmary and before someone tricked us into a bonding we both didn't want. A lot has happened since then and we are no longer the people we were back then - not anymore. Things have changed, Severus. That doesn't mean that I don't need your love anymore or that I don't love you back, but things are complicated now. You know as well as I do that we have become almost strangers over the course of the last few months." He held up his hand to stop Severus from protesting.
"What I want to say, Severus, is that I think we both need time. Time to get to know each other again. Time to get used to the new situation, to having a child, to fully realize what has changed over the last few days and weeks. I know you don't understand why I have problems believing what you just told me, so let me explain, please?"
Severus nodded in agreement, muttering "Please do so." His face was an unreadable mask.
"When I found out that you were the one who impregnated me, I was confused. I felt threatened by your request to bond with me and I panicked. I had just recently admitted to myself that I loved you and I hoped we could maybe have a chance together. Then you told me you were the one to sleep with me and what could have been a great chance for both of us turned into a nightmare. I don't regret having Ebony, not one second, but it certainly complicated things." Harry didn't look at Severus when he made his confession. "Then that damn article showed up and things even got worse. I loved you, but I was so sure you would not love me in return, though I was willing to bond with you for the sake of your daughter. It pained me to think about the fact that you only had married me because of that article and because it was the right thing to do. My friends had talked me into this as much as Dumbledore had talked you into this bonding as well."
He turned to look at his husband this time, but Severus' face was still as unreadable as it had been before.
"I am not saying that I don't believe you that you love me, Severus and I am sure you really do believe that you are in love with me. Problem is, so many things happened between us that make it hard for me to believe that you loved me the whole the time and just chose to not tell me." Harry sighed. "What happened, Severus? What happened to us? When did we become such strangers? I will tell you what happened; we lost each other. We lost the intimacy, the friendship we once shared and that hurts more than anything else."
He turned around, away from Severus, to not let his husband see the pain in his eyes.
"Let's face the facts, Severus, you married me out of responsibility and maybe to bow to Dumbledore's wishes, but we both know this has never been a marriage of love. You say you love me, but you never really showed it. You accepted separate bedrooms without discussion, you only were concerned about me when it came to Ebony's health and you never ever said a single word about love. Yes, I admit, I hurt you and I never talked about love either, but that is not important any more."
Severus turned around to face Harry, ready to interrupt him, but Harry once again silenced him with a gesture.
"I want my friend back, Severus." Harry whispered. "I want back the man I came to love, the man who laughed with me, the man I could share my hopes, thoughts, fears and dreams with. I have lost him along the way, Severus, and I want him back. I want him back even if this means giving up my husband. We are not ready yet, to have a relationship, Severus; we are barely more than strangers right now. I agree with you that we should end this contract – we should end it in favor of a friendship. I will leave Hogwarts and live in the Muggle world for a while, Severus, but I want you to visit me and Ebony so we can get to know each other again. I love you and you say you love me, so this might eventually lead us somewhere, but right now I need to come to terms with a few things and I need to think about what is best for Ebony as well. I am a father now. It is about time I grew up."
"I disagree, Harry." Severus said silently. "I don't think that ending the contract will solve anything. I also don't think that the only way to get to know each other again is you leaving and my only visiting you and our daughter, but I will of course respect your wishes. The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy, and I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that my feelings for you are true. It's sad that you couldn't see what I was not able to say. I think you might be right – we really need to get to know each other again. All I ask of you is that you don't shut me out of our daughter's life and that you give me the chance to prove to you that I love you."
"I would never shut you out of our life, Severus; you have to believe me in this. I want us to stay in contact and to become friends again. I will trust you with this information Severus and I plan on not telling anyone where to find me besides you and Poppy. I want privacy for once in my life. Can you understand me?" Harry asked worriedly.
"Yes, I understand you. Your wish is perfectly reasonable, maybe more reasonable than anything you did over the last few months. I might not like your decision, but I will respect it nevertheless. I love you, Harry, and it is my wish to see you happy. I hope that things will work out just as you planned," Severus said in a neutral tone that revealed nothing about his feelings.
"Thanks for understanding," Harry muttered and flicked his wrist to take down the wards so Severus could leave.
It was not until much later that Harry realized Severus had never given him an explanation as to why he had not only agreed to bond so readily, but he had also not explained why he never had said a single word when Harry had suggested separate bedrooms. Well, this topic would have to wait.
ooOoo
This wasn't going to work, Albus realized. Harry had not only managed to avoid him at all costs, he also had put up strong silencing and anti-spying charms the moment he and Severus had entered their quarters.
Albus had hoped that he would gain some information as to how Harry was feeling and maybe even get a clue as to how to convince Harry to talk to either him or Hermione or Ron.
It hadn't worked.
Albus had sent Hermione and Ron away with the promise to fire-call them as soon as he had figured how to get Harry to talk to them. Surprisingly enough, Harry was on his way to the Headmasters office right now, having requested to talk to him in private.
Albus had a very bad feeling about this meeting, but he could and would not refuse Harry. This might be the only chance he got to talk to the enraged young wizard. So he waited patiently for Harry to arrive.
ooOoo
It seemed that Albus' fears were coming true.
"I am going on paternity leave and I am not coming back," Harry icily told a very tired looking Headmaster twenty minutes later.
Hogwarts no longer felt like home to Harry, now that he had found out about the betrayal of Dumbledore and his so called friends. Yes, he still loved Severus so much that it hurt, but he did not believe him when he said, he loved him. This was not love; love was something else. Something he, Harry, was obviously not made for.
Ignoring the Headmaster's pleas to at least stay at the castle and sort this out, Harry finally interrupted the older wizard by saying, "Save your breath, Headmaster! I will leave this institution and my former life behind and not look back. Ebony is all that counts now and this farce of a marriage and your betrayal will soon be merely bad memories. Have a good day, Headmaster."
With that he left the Headmaster's office and went back straight to his quarters to pack the few things he called his own in trunks and boxes. He wanted to leave this place as soon as possible.
ooOoo
"Sweet Merlin, Severus! What is the matter with you? Are you alright? What happened?" Poppy asked eyeing the man in front of her suspiciously. The Potions Master looked pale and tired, dark circles under his eyes.
"I miss him, Poppy." Severus confessed looking so unhappy and lonely it hurt Poppy to see him like this. "I visit him and Ebony every other day now, since he found an apartment in Muggle London, but it doesn't change a thing. I miss him, but he won't believe me when I tell him I love him. Yesterday he talked about ending our marriage again. I just don't know what more I could do to make him believe me."
At these words, Poppy snapped. She had enough of those two behaving like idiots. Harry was unhappy with them being apart, but insisted he needed time to sort things out. Severus was unhappy with them being apart as well, missing the two persons he loved most in this world, but insisted on respecting Harry's wishes. The result was that both were unhappy, but still thought they were doing the right thing. Men!
"This idiocy ends here and now, Severus!" she fumed. "You will come with me to Harry's place and I will set a few things straight once and for all. I am sick and tired of you two suffering for no reason at all. You are too blind to see what is right before your eyes and I will not have it any more. I didn't want to tell the two of you any of this – or at least not so soon, but I have changed my mind."
She looked determined and Severus didn't argue. With that she quickly left the infirmary to apparate to Harry's home. Sighing slightly, Severus followed her. If he didn't, she would be back to get him, anyway.
ooOoo
Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Harry had left Hogwarts and his old life behind, and he already regretted it. Not because of Dumbledore, his students, or the castle itself – it was Severus he missed. His Severus – his husband. The man he had shared quarters with for the past four months. Even though it had not been a peaceful companionship, it had been better than not being together at all. Now, after Severus had been so great during Ebony's birth, and had claimed to love him, Harry missed him like hell.
"I am an idiot!" He murmured, unsure as to what he should do next.
He did love Severus, that was a fact, but he was not sure Severus really did love him in return.. He had said so, yes, but was it really the truth? Or was it Severus' guilt speaking?
Before he could think about this problem any longer, a soft 'pop' alerted him to the fact that someone had just apparated in. A moment later, Poppy walked into the room. To his surprise, Harry heard a second 'pop' and since only Poppy and Severus could pass his wards, the second person arriving had to be him.
A wave of tenderness flooded through Harry at the sight of his husband. Curiosity won over and Harry looked at the medi-witch questioningly, "Poppy? I don't understand…"
Looking sternly at both of them, the elderly witch spoke. "At first I didn't want to show this to you two so soon. I thought I should give you the time to sort this mess out on your own. Now I see that might as well take forever, since you are both too stubborn and blind for your own good. So I changed my plans. Sit! Both of you!" she ordered.
Dumbfounded, Harry and Severus did just that.
"These," she waved her wand and a medical report appeared hovering in midair "are the results of the tests I did on Harry after Ebony's birth. I am sure at least you Severus will recognize what they mean." She looked at the two wizards expectantly.
As she had expected, Severus gasped, his eyes wide in surprise.
"Sweet Merlin!" he cursed, a look of utter disbelief spreading over his face.
"What?" Harry asked, panicking. He could not properly decipher the report, but he had no practice in doing it either. "What is the matter with my results? Surely you would have told me if I were sick, wouldn't you?" he looked at Poppy pleadingly.
"It's not that, Harry," the medi-witch assured the young wizard. "What is so special about your report is this:" She pointed at the part of the description Severus was staring at.
Becoming impatient Harry glared at her. "Poppy, please! For me those results are just like Hieroglyphs. Why don't you just tell me why the hell Severus looks like he is going to faint? He is as pale as a ghost. What have I done now?" he asked angrily.
Smiling slightly Poppy said, "You have done nothing wrong, Harry. The reason why Severus is so surprised is because the results that show your magical ability are a bit … unusual."
Severus snorted. 'Unusual' didn't begin to cover it. It was so much more than that. It was his worst fear being realized. It was the end of his dream. The results stated clearly what should have been obvious all the time. Swallowing hard, he voiced his thoughts.
"More that just a bit unusual, Poppy." Severus said. "This report practically states he is the most powerful wizard currently known."
Harry gasped.
"This also means…" he broke off, swallowing hard. It hurt to say it. "This also means that I can't be Ebony's father."
ooOoo
tbc