AN: This chapter is EDITED to fit the rules not to post NC-17 material. It is still a close call though. Those of you who would like to read the ORIGINAL version, head over to my bio and you will find more information there. Thank you!
Chapter 19: Where do we go from here
This also means that I can't be Ebony's father.
Severus' words hung heavily in the air. Harry wanted to protest, wanted to tell them he had slept with no-one else before that night, wanted to deny it, but Poppy silenced him with a gesture of her hand.
"Don't be ridiculous, Severus!" She snapped. "You are, without a doubt, her father. Don't even think about trying to deny it."
"I am not trying to deny it, I am just being logical," Severus replied. "If he is that powerful there is no way I could have impregnated him."
"But…" Harry started, but was interrupted once again by the medi-witch.
"Severus," she said in an overly patient tone. "He is that powerful, and no-one should have been able to impregnate him. The only wizard who is even close to being his equal is Albus and you surely don't think he had anything to do with the pregnancy. There is, however, one condition that makes it possible for you to be Ebony's father…" she trailed off for a moment , hoping Severus would catch on, but he still looked confused and miserable.
"Think, Severus. Think about the one possibility that could have enabled you to impregnate Harry." She smiled cryptically.
Harry felt like someone had doused him with cold water. Suddenly, everything made perfect sense and he could have slapped himself for not seeing it before. When he first realized his magic was much stronger than it had been, he had dismissed the change, believing it had been Ebony supporting him. Then, after her birth, he had not paid too much attention to the fact that he still could feel the magic pulsing through him constantly, humming inside him - he had been too distracted. Even when he realized that he was indeed powerful enough to do wandless magic, he had not thought it through properly. He had not realized what this meant for him, or Severus. Or more precisely for Severus' ability to impregnate him.
The book he had read at the beginning of his pregnancy stated clearly that only the wizard with the stronger magical ability would be able to impregnate the other. Turned out he, Harry, was the magically stronger partner and had most probably been since the defeat of Voldemort. The Dark Lord's death and the termination of their bond must have released what was binding Harry's powers and had kept him from fully developing them. Either that or he, Harry, had inherited some of Voldemorts powers. Which was quite unlikely since this magic did not feel foreign at all. Though, no matter where this magic had come from, it still should have prevented Severus from impregnating him. Yet Severus had been able to impregnate him.
Which was exactly the reason why poor Severus was confused right now.
Harry had to stifle a laugh when realization hit. It was ridiculously funny how blind he had been. In hindsight, Harry realized he should have known Severus loved him, before he even had told him. He should have known it the moment he realized all this magical power was his own and not Ebony supporting him. The moment, Severus had pointed out that he had used wandless magic – something only the most powerful wizards and witches were able to do. Which lead to the only possible answer, the only explanation he had stubbornly refused to believe. Love. Harry felt as if a heavy burden was lifted from his shoulders and he could breathe easily for the first time in ages. Everything was going to be okay.
Severus was still trying to figure out what Poppy could possibly mean, when Harry suddenly whispered, "Love! Pure, selfless love. Love, so strong and true on both sides that magic will even out between the lovers, mingling and blending making them equal. It is quite rare and - according to the book I read - has not happened in a very long time."
Harry looked up at his husband. Severus just stared at him, his expression warring between disbelief and awe. "Pure love?" he then asked, still unable to comprehend the full meaning of what Harry had just told him.
"Yes, Severus, true love." Harry sounded as amazed as Severus felt. "Sweet Merlin, we had the proof of our love for each other right in front of us all the time. We were just too blind to see - I was to blind to see," he then murmured.
Poppy smiled and disappeared with a soft 'pop'. She had the feeling that these two would need some private time to talk and somehow she knew they were finally getting somewhere.
ooOoo
Silence fell over the room and suddenly both wizards were very aware of the fact that they were alone and sitting quite close to each other on the small couch. Severus' nearness was intoxicating and Harry leaned over to kiss him softly.
Severus moaned low in his throat and Harry felt Severus open up to his probing tongue. Severus' strong, warm fingers worked their way through his unruly hair. It was a perfect kiss. When they finally parted, both wizards looked at each other, love clearly written all over their faces.
Finally, Severus spoke, "True love, Harry?" he asked softly. "A bit over the top, don't you think? Something like that could have only happened with you, brat. When is anything ever normal with you?"
Harry looked at him, a shy smile plastered on his face. "Yes, I know, I'm a freak," he said softly. "Will you forgive me anyway, Severus?" he then asked, a bit of uncertainty in his voice.
"Forgive what, Harry? That you did not know how very much I love you? Or your leaving me behind and putting me through hell for the last two weeks?" Severus teased. He felt light headed and happy. Somehow he knew everything would be alright now.
"Both, I suppose," Harry answered, eyes cast downward. "For not realizing that you love me, even though your actions lately showed it as clearly as if you had screamed it form the top of Hogwarts. I just could not believe you would really want me. For the other thing – the leaving you part – if it helps you any, I'll admit that I felt just as miserable being separated from you."
He looked up to see Severus give him one of his rare true smiles.
"So, do you…forgive me?" Harry asked, grinning happily.
Rolling his eyes and sneering at him mockingly, Severus replied, "Of course I forgive you, brat. Don't I always forgive you?"
At his words Harry lunged towards him, toppling both of them over on the couch. Harry came to lie on top of Severus and he used the opportunity to kiss his startled husband senseless. When he came up for air a few moments later, Harry whispered breathlessly, "Gods, how I missed this. It's even better now that I know you love me just as much as I love you."
"Insufferable brat!" Severus muttered, pulling the figure on top of him closer to let Harry feel how aroused he was. "Do you still think we need to get to know each other better again?" he teased, his tone making clear what he thought of that idea. "Because if you do, I'd better leave now, before we do something you are not comfortable with," he added innocently.
Harry moaned. "Don't you dare leave me now, Severus Snape," he hissed before placing feathery kisses along his husband's jaw line. "I still think we should have some time alone together – that is why I hope you will come and live with me from now on. I am not ready yet to go back to Hogwarts, but I want to go to bed with you and wake up with you every day. We have wasted so much time already and I don't want to sleep alone any more. Dumbledore owes us that much – to let you move out for a while. Please, will you consider it?"
Severus sighed, shifting the weight on top of him so that his erection poked into Harry's belly. "Harry, you and Ebony are the most important persons in my life. I would leave Hogwarts completely and move with you to Alaska if that's what you want. So tell me," he broke off grinning up at Harry playfully "if I promise to be home in time for dinner every day, will you stop talking and put that pretty mouth of yours to better use?"
He grinned again and Harry smiled down at him happily. "Let's see if I can guess what you had in mind," he murmured, before with another whispered word, their clothes vanished.
Severus gasped at the sudden skin on skin contact.
With a mischievous smile Harry began to kiss, lick and suck a burning trail over Severus' chest, his tummy and down to his cock. Harry enjoyed the smell and feel of his husband's silken skin.
Severus moaned helplessly. This was heaven – it felt incredible.
"Let's move this to the bedroom", Harry murmured between two kisses on his husbands cock.
"Best plan you had all night!" Severus replied and allowed Harry to help him up.
The couple made their way to the bedroom kissing and touching. When they were finally there, Harry lay back on the huge bed, arms raised to invite his husband in. "Come here, love!" Harry begged. "I want you to make love to me, Severus. I want you to make love to me slowly, all night long. This time I am going to remember every single second of it." Harry smiled as the other man's breath hitched at his words.
In an instant, Severus was on top of Harry, covering his husbands body with his, claiming Harry's lips in a mind blowing kiss.
"You are talking too much, brat," Severus complained mockingly when he came up for air a moment later. "Shut up and let me love you!" With that he slid down Harry's body and took his member into his mouth.
Harry gasped. How had he gone so long without that? It seemed like an eternity, since he had felt Severus' hot lips on his body. With one last clear thought, he shoved a bottle of lube into Severus' direction, who picked it up and grinned. This was going to be so good.
Severus opened the lid of the bottle and coated his fingers with the slippery gel. Lifting up one of Harry's legs and arranging it to his satisfaction, Severus pushed a slick finger into the willing body of his mate.
Harry moaned in pleasure, impaling himself on the invading finger. Severus watched his husband squirming and writhing and smiled. Harry had the most adorable look of passion and lust on his face. Carefully, he added a second finger, searching for the prostate, and Harry moaned again. When Severus brushed over his prostate, Harry shuddered and arched off the bed.
Reluctantly, Severus withdrew his fingers, ignoring the small sounds of protest Harry made. "Harry," he said, trying to get the other man's attention. "Harry, listen to me!" He tried again.
Sighing, Harry willed himself to focus on Severus' words rather than the wonderful sensations rushing through his body. "Yes, Severus?"
"Harry, we need protection this time," Severus said. "As much as I love Ebony, another child so soon is not exactly what we need, so would you please…?"
Harry could have slapped himself for not thinking of it. Severus was right, they really had other things to worry about right now than another child. "Erm, I don't know the proper spell," Harry admitted shyly. He was inexperienced and since he had already been pregnant by the time he found out such a thing was possible, he hadn't looked up on contraceptives.
"That's alright, Harry; I can do the spell. Summon my wand for me?" Severus asked, smiling down on his husband. A moment later the item fell into his outstretched had.
Severus hurried to complete his task and cast the spell, because Harry had begun to move against him impatiently, making it perfectly clear that he wanted Severus to continue.
Oh, and continue he did. Within minutes Harry was writhing and moaning under Severus' administrations, begging to be taken. With a little smile, Severus pushed Harry's legs up to his chest, positioned himself and pushed intoHarry inone slow thrust.
Harry moaned, panting heavily, his body flushed and glistening with sweat. When Severus pulled back and thrust in again with agonizing slowness, Harry wished he had not insisted Severus should take him slowly. Hard and fast seemed to be a so much better idea right now.
"Harder, Sev, please," he begged. "Make love to me hard and fast," he panted, but Severus just smiled and, if possible, slowed his pace even more.
Then, suddenly, something changed. This time both of them felt it when it began. Slowly at first, but then growing in intensity, Severus felt Harry's magic reach out to his, seeping through him, mingling with his, allowing Harry to be flooded with Severus' magic as well.
It became overwhelming when they began reaching out to each other with their magic actively, trying to intensify the feeling of belonging and completeness.
Unable to control himself any longer under this onslaught of emotions, Severus sent both of them over the edge with two hard, deep thrusts.
ooOoo
Panting heavily and grinning like a moron, Harry stammered, "That was…wow…I mean…"
"Coherent as always, Potter," Severus mumbled, before he looked into Harry's eyes and said, "But for once I agree - it was indeed 'wow' ".
At this, Harry laughed heartily moving on the huge bed to spoon his body against Severus', and sighed contently.
"You know what?" Harry began after a moment of silence, enjoying the feeling of Severus' hand in his hair, caressing him absentmindedly. "With all we know now about how I got pregnant, do you realize that it would have been possible for me to impregnate you on our wedding night?" Harry smiled a little smile. He liked the thought of Severus carrying their child. "Maybe, when we have sorted out our life, and Ebony is a bit older, we could have a second child then; a child you could carry if you like. It really is a great experience…" He broke off when the hand in his hair stilled and Severus stiffened noticeably.
"What' s the matter, love?" Harry asked, worriedly, trying to turn around to look into Severus' face.
"I…" Severus started, taking a deep breath. He didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to remember, didn't want for Harry to know, but Harry deserved to know. No, needed to know, if they wanted to deal with the consequences together.
Closing his eyes tightly, Severus whispered, "I don't think I will be able to carry our child, Harry. I don't think I will even be able to get pregnant, by you. I was…damaged too much I fear. I am sorry."
"Damaged?" Harry asked, a shiver running down his spine. What did he mean by damaged and why had he sounded like he had wanted to say something else? "I don't understand Severus? What happened to you? Do you mean the Cruciatus? Is it that?"
It would be so easy to lie to him, Severus thought. Harry had practically made up the perfect excuse for him, but Severus hesitated. He would tell Harry the truth, no matter how ashamed he was of it.
"I…. I…. no, it was not the Cruciatus. It was the other thing…It was…" Severus broke off. He could not say it, he just could not. Talking about it would bring it all back. It would make him remember what he tried so desperately to forget. The shame, the guilt, the pain – every sickening detail.
"It was what, Severus?" Harry asked, worry clearly audible in his voice. He had managed to turn around to look into Severus' eyes. The devastation he saw in his husbands face made him shiver. Something was going terribly wrong here.
"It was the...sex" Severus finally bit out. He would never be able to call it rape no matter how true it was. It would only give those who had done it even more power over him. Rape was not about sex or lust, it was about power and submission. Voldemort had enjoyed seeing Severus submit to whomever he deemed fitting, and many of those had greatly enjoyed having the proud Potions Master at their mercy.
"The sex?" Harry asked, as all the pieces fell into place. He did not like the picture he saw. "He forced you, didn't he?" Harry whispered softly. The way Severus paled even more answered the question for him. Touching his husbands face lightly, Harry felt how cold Severus' skin was, the terror of the past holding him in a tight grip. He did not flinch away, but Harry knew this did not mean anything at all. Severus had probably learned long ago that trying to get away made things worse and, at the moment, Harry doubted it was him his husband was seeing, rather the ghost of some horrible past.
Harry had witnessed enough of Voldemort's raping-sessions through their shared link, to know that the Dark Lord enjoyed his victims to suffer as much as possible. Harry had not known he had done it to his own Death Eaters as well, though it made some perverted sense, as they were his possession to do with as he pleased. Surely Voldemort had enjoyed seeing a proud man like Severus suffer at the hands of those sadistic bastards.
"Oh Severus, I am so sorry," Harry whispered, the 'deer in headlights' look on his husbands face tearing at his heart.
Severus shook his head and wiped a shaking hand over his face. He took a moment to pull himself together before stating in an emotionless voice, "I only got what I deserved. I handed my life over to him on a silver platter, and had to face the consequences of my stupidity. I would understand if you were disgusted by me…" his voice broke and he tried to turn away from Harry's prying eyes.
Harry would have none of it, though. He caught Severus' face in his hands and forced him to maintain eye contact with him. "Severus, I never want to hear you say such a thing ever again, is that understood? No-one deserves to be violated, no matter how misguided their decisions might have been. I do not blame you, Severus, because it was not your fault, and I am certainly not disgusted by you," He stated emphatically.
"How can you not be disgusted by me when I can hardly stand myself?" Severus grit out. "There are times when I feel like I will never get rid of the feel of their hands on my skin, or the smell of them all over me, no matter how often I wash or how hard I try. There is not enough soap in this world to ever make me clean again. Believe me, I tried often enough after those meetings, locking myself in my chambers trying to rid myself of their smell, of their touch. I healed myself as good as I could manage; I was too ashamed to see Poppy or anyone else." Severus' tone was emotionless and distant, like he was feeling nothing at all, but Harry knew he was hurting bad.
"The next day I would pull my "Greasy git Potions Master" persona around me and try to forget what had happened. I never expected for anyone to come close enough to me to discover my secret – but you did. You broke down all my defensive walls and got under my skin. You deserved to know the truth." The last words were barely above a whisper, but Harry heard them nevertheless.
Harry thought about all the times Severus must have come back to Hogwarts hurt, humiliated, lonely. Rage welled up in Harry's chest, anger so overwhelming that it felt like it would choke him. Suddenly it seemed that Voldemort had gotten off way too easy when he, Harry, had killed him. He had deserved to suffer as much as possible before being allowed to die. Voicing his thoughts with barely controlled rage, Harry said, "I wish I had not just killed Voldemort. I wish I could go back and make him suffer for what he did to you. I'd like to give him a taste of his own medicine and torture him until he begs me to kill him and end his misery. Too bad I killed him so quickly. I hope he rots in hell."
Surprised at Harry's outburst and the protectiveness that was lacing the anger audiblye in his husband's voice, Severus just stared at Harry. He did not doubt the sincerity of any of Harry's words – not for one second. Warmth spread through Severus' body, chasing away the cold he had felt mere minutes ago. Here, in bed with him, was the most gorgeous man he could imagine, who also happened to be the most powerful wizard of their time, and he was in love with him. A greasy old Potions Master, a Death Eater turned spy, someone many deemed not worthy of anything, let alone the love of their savior. This man was worried about him, he cared for him, when no-one ever had. Severus did not know why he had been given such a precious gift, but he would cherish it nevertheless.
Meanwhile, Harry's thoughts had drifted off into another direction. Images of their wedding night came to his mind and he winced at the memory of how the night had gone. The way he had demanded to take Severus in that position, the way Severus had tensed and shuddered when he had touched him and how he, Harry, had dismissed it as a problem with giving up control. But worst, the cowardly way he had lied to Severus afterwards, making him feel as if he was just a good shag for him and their lovemaking had meant nothing at all.
Groaning slightly, Harry closed his eyes for a brief moment before he whispered, "I owe you an apology, Severus. I should have treated you better on our wedding night. I was so afraid to look you in the eyes during our lovemaking that I forced you into an uncomfortable position even though you were obviously having problems with it." He avoided looking at Severus, too ashamed of his own actions. "I apologize for that, Severus, and I apologize that I lied to you afterwards. Surely you have guessed by now that I did indeed say, that I love you, but I was too cowardly to admit it to you. I am truly sorry, Severus."
Smiling at his husband lovingly, Severus reached over and tilted Harry's chin up, so the young man had to look at him. "I don't blame you, Harry. You couldn't possibly have known about my past and to be totally honest, I did enjoy the experience with you. It was so totally different form what I had suffered before and I thank you for being so gentle. Though, I have to admit, the next time I allow you to top, I'd rather face you, so I can see your amazing eyes."
Harry gasped, "You are actually saying you would want to do that again? I mean… you don't have to if you feel uncomfortable with it, you know that, right?" he asked.
"Yes, Harry, I do know that. I still want to give it a try sometime. It won't be easy at first and you will need to be patient, but I trust you, Harry. I believe that we can face this together, now that we don't have to doubt each others love any more." He smiled at the dumbfounded look on Harry's face.
"Thank you!" Harry finally whispered, obviously moved. "Thank you for your love and trust." He kissed Severus lightly on the lips, relieved that he seemed to have warmed up again. Then his face was serious again, and addressing his husband one more time, Harry said, "Severus, I know this is much to ask for, and you don't have to agree right now, but I want you to consider it, okay? I think we should talk about this again sometime soon, in fact, maybe even more than once. Really, Severus, you have to stop blaming yourself. You need someone you can talk to about what happened and I think you should tell Poppy as well. There is nothing you have done wrong, nothing to be ashamed of, and she really should know. Maybe she can even do something about the "damage" you were referring to earlier. I am not asking this of you so you can get pregnant by me or anything, it is just…if I am going to make love to you again, I want to be sure I am not hurting you in any way, okay? Will you consider it, please?"
Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Severus just nodded. He did not trust his voice because he was terrified of the things Harry had suggested. He did see sense in them, though, so he would try to go through with it. At least he knew Harry would be there with him all the way and he would not have to do it on his own. He would never have to be alone any more, he realized - he had a family now, he was loved.
That was the most comforting thought Severus Snape, greasy Potions Master, ex-Death Eater turned spy, and husband of Harry Potter-Snape had had in a very long time.