Title: Promise
Author: thousandmiles
Rating: K
Spoilers: ITWSH
Summary: Post ITWSH. Alex is upset, Bobby's hurt and gone. Will they talk?
A/N: Response to the Lyric Wheel Challenge. I got the song Here without you by 3 Doors Down. I was happy with that song so thank you to whoever send that one! I made a ITWSH mv and therefore I decided not to write a fanfic. But of course the episode called for post ep fics. And now that it's been a while, I thought this was a good time and it fit with the lyrics. It's been a while since I wrote angst, but I just had to! Every once in a while it's nice to write or read angst! Anyway, enough talk…enjoy!
Promise
She'd screwed up…big time. Never had she expected this and she blamed herself for that. She should have thought about it, but no… apparently those five years had made her forget. She'd written that letter during the first months of their partnership, when she hadn't known him that well and hadn't given him a real chance. She had looked at him in the court room and seen the hurt. Afterwards even though he hadn't tried to make a big deal of it, she'd seen the betrayal in his eyes. Betrayal and hurt… something she never wanted to see in his eyes. And the biggest problem of all was that she had caused him that pain. She had hurt him.
She had tried to call him ever since they'd left the court room separately. She'd attempted to talk to him outside the court room, but all he said was that he had to go. He had to get away from her, he hadn't come out and said it, but that was what it came down to. Now all she wanted to do was get drunk and forget everything. Deakins had given them three days off to get some rest and deal with the aftermath of the case. Tomorrow, after recovering from her hangover, she was going to pick up her nephew and spend the day with him. The day after that she was going to try to talk to Bobby. Putting on the radio, she walked into her kitchen to grab a glass and a bottle of vodka. She needed it.
I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
Great, she thought as she heard the music, that really wasn't going to improve her mood. Aah well, the vodka would help her forget and she at the moment that was probably the best thing. Poring her first drink, she realized the biggest loss of all. She took a big gulp of her drink. They had just started growing closer. They hadn't admitted their feelings for each other, but both had realized there was more between them than mere friendship. Bobby had been so hesitant about spending more time with her, but she'd convinced him and now she had let him down big time. She had probably blown the one chance they'd had.
The rest of the night she mostly drank and in the end she even started crying. She was glad no one was there to witness her falling apart. It was the end of the morning that following day when she finally woke up with a major headache. A few hours later she was at her brother and sister-in-law's place to pick up her nephew. After that she was going to pick up her youngest sister and they were off to the park.
In the park, Alex and Jenny were sitting on a bench in the sun. It was Alex who held Michael in her arms. She held him close, remembering how he had comforted her on lonely nights during her pregnancy. He still held that power, holding him close comforted and created some peace of mind.
"Wanna tell me what's wrong?" Jenny asked her big sister. Even though Alex thought she was difficult to read, she was an open book and she also knew Alex hated that. She could see there was really something bothering her sister.
"We had a difficult case."
"And?" She knew that wasn't all.
Alex focused on her nephew for a moment. He was smiling up at her and she smiled back. It felt so good to hold him. "I screwed up, Jenny."
"I doubt that."
"No, it's true. I… we had a tough case and the suspect decided to play hard ball. He got personal and got to Bobby's mom. I thought we'd had the worst by then. That was until I had to testify. They confronted me with a letter I wrote years ago." Her eyes began to water again and her throat tightened as she thought back on the events.
Michael seemed to sense his aunt's distress and was about to start crying. Jenny lifted her nephew gently from her sister's arms.
"It… It was a request for another partner. You should have seen him, Jenny. He was hurt. I.. had to read the letter in which I'd written I found him unstable among other things. It was so hard to see him and read him those words. I'd forgotten about the letter. Back then I never told him about it. Weeks later I realized my mistake and from then on things improved between us. I simply forgot. Afterwards, outside the court room he told me I was right… he was an acquired taste, it's what I'd said in the court room. But I could see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes, Jenny, and it hurt. He resented me, I know it."
"Have you talked to him?"
"No." She sighed. "I've tried Jenny, but he won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone. I can't blame him though, I wouldn't talk to me either." She sounded as defeated as she felt.
Jenny watched her big sister and her heart went out to her. She knew about her sister's feelings for her partner and realized this made it all even more difficult. She wished there was something she could do, but realized there was nothing. "Why don't you stay with me after we drop Michael off? I don't want you sitting at home alone."
Alex held out her hands for her nephew again. Holding him close, she nodded, agreeing with her sister's idea. "Thanks." She whispered.
Alex was sitting in her sister's apartment, waiting for her sister to return from the kitchen with drinks. If she were honest, she was grateful for the offer. Sitting at home, wallowing in self pity and sorrow would have been depressing.
"I think it's time to get some dinner. How about it?" Jenny walked back into the living room with two glasses of wine.
"Good idea."
"I'll order a pizza and pick it up in ten minutes." The pizza place was two houses from her apartment. She found it useless to get it delivered. Picking it up herself was easier and cheaper. Placing the order, she sat down on the couch next to her sister. They watched some television and before they knew it, it was time to pick up their pizza.
"I'll go." Alex offered.
"Sure?"
"Yeah, I know the place." Grabbing her jacket she walked out of the door.
Jenny waited patiently for her sister to come back with the pizza. Her sister had been gone for about a minute when the telephone rang. Walking to her phone, she realized it wasn't ringing. But Alex's phone was.
"Hello?"
There was a brief silence before the male voice on the other end was heard. "Eeuh.. hello. Is… is Alex there?"
"No." She wondered who the man on the other end was. "Who is this?"
"I'm Bobby Goren."
"Oooh." Alex's partner, this was interesting. Those two had to talk. Maybe she could help things along. However she did not want to sound hostile. "You two need to talk."
There was only silence on the other end and she wondered if he had heard her, or maybe she had offended him.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Jenny, Alex's sister."
"Where is she? I've tried her apartment, but she's not there."
"We're at my place. Look, why don't I give you my address and you can come over."
"No… I… I don't think that's a good idea."
Not feeling discouraged she came up with another idea. "How about I call when she leaves here and you can meet up with her at her apartment?" The following silence told he was at least considering her idea.
"Okay." He agreed although he still sounded hesitant.
Jenny decided to go one step further. "Look, she hurt you and she's hurting because of that. She's dealing with a lot of guilt here. She thinks that you resent her and blame her. You not wanting to talk to her only reinforced those feelings. You two need to talk. Tell her she's not about to lose the one man she cares so much about." She probably had said too much there, but Bobby needed to know how important he was to Alex. Only then would he begin to understand Alex's pain. "I'll call you later tonight. Bye." Hanging up she quickly wrote down Bobby's phone number and sat back down on the couch, waiting for her sister to arrive with the pizza.
Riding the elevator in her apartment building, Alex reminisced about her evening. The evening had been pleasant. Hearing Jenny talk about her love life, work and friends, kept her mind off of things and made her laugh. Hearing the familiar ding she walked towards her door without looking up. She searched her purse for the keys.
"Hi." His familiar soft voice startled her, making her drop her keys.
Picking up her keys gave her a moment to regain her composure. She wasn't sure she was ready for this confrontation. She quickly opened her door, leaving it open for him, knowing he wouldn't take no for an answer.
He quietly entered her apartment, observing her. She was tense. Never before had she been tense around him. He was unsure. He didn't quite know how to approach her. She had hurt him and at first he had been mad, but now… He'd gone to Carmel Ridge after the case. He'd stayed with his mother, reassuring himself that she was going to be fine. Well, fine was a relative term. Alex was the one person who could really hurt him and she had. With that however had come a revelation. In his past, when someone had hurt him, he had turned his back and ran. He had cut that person out of his life, avoiding the risk of getting hurt again. This time he'd realized that he didn't want to run, he didn't want to cut Alex out of his life. He needed her there; he wanted her in his life. They needed to fix things. He was going to fight and that told him everything about his feelings for Alex.
Unsure of what to do or say they stood facing each other in the living room. Bobby knew he had to start, but words suddenly seemed hard to find. He shifted on his feet and watched Alex. Her head was downcast; her shoulders slumped and she kept playing with her fingers. He wanted to reassure her.
Taking a step forward his heart missed a beat when she finally looked up at him. She was holding back her tears, she was trying hard, but wasn't very successful.
"Alex." He whispered.
"I'm sorry, Bobby. I… I should have told you." Alex was trying hard to keep her composure, to hold the tears back.
"Yes." He wasn't going to deny the truth even if she wouldn't want to hear it.
"I… I just…" She looked away from him again and even took a step back. "I'd forgotten about it. I… Bobby, that's not the way I feel anymore. It was in the beginning of our partnership. You… and I… we were at odds so many times in the beginning. You would leave me and go off chasing one of your leads. You'd make these leaps in your mind and wouldn't share them. I didn't know what to do! You wouldn't… I tried, Bobby, I tried, but you just wouldn't give me a chance!"
She was looking at him again and this time he saw a single tear falling down her cheek. Without any hesitation he closed the distance between them. He cupped her cheek, wiping the tear from her cheek. "I know, honey." The endearment slipped out before he knew it. He gently drew her into his embrace. It took a moment for her to relax in his arms. He placed a kiss on her hair. "I just wished you would have told me."
She tensed again at those words and placed her hands on his chest, pushing him away. "You went away. You ignored me…"
"I…" He took her hand in his, pulling her closer, yet not embracing her. "I'm sorry about that. I needed some time. I went to Carmel Ridge to take care of my mother. I needed to know she was taken care of."
Alex suddenly felt ashamed. She'd been selfish, thinking he didn't want to talk to her because he was mad. And maybe he was mad at her, but he hadn't been able to talk to her because he needed to take care of his mother.
"Look, Alex." He started, walking around her living room, this time leaving the distance. He was giving her the space she apparently wanted. "It was a difficult case and… they lashed out, more so then before. What they did to my mother, I blame myself that she wasn't safe enough. I should have given them better instructions."
"Bobby." Her soft voice called out to him, making him look up. "You are not to blame. There was nothing you could have done."
"Maybe." He wasn't sure about it. He'd talked to his mother's doctor and had agreed to put down rules to avoid something like this happening again. "You know they… they knew how to get to me. They knew my weak spots. One was obvious even though I never expected them to go after my mother. The other one… I knew it was a weak spot though I didn't realize to what extent and one I maybe even tried to ignore. But they found it, apparently without any trouble."
"What are you talking about?" Had something else happened to him without her knowledge? Had someone else hurt him? Had she been so self involved she hadn't noticed?
"You, Alex." Seeing her astounded face, he continued. "When they attacked you on the stand, I… wanted to step up there and stop them. The fact that you were up there and there was nothing I could do really got to me. I never want to see you hurt. To see your tears, to hear the pain in your voice, to know what you were going through… it hurt." He ran a hand through his hair. "I guess it was later on when your words truly hit me. Look, I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt. I guess why it hurt so much is because of these last few weeks. We… we've talked about… us and you know I was unsure. We both knew, even though we never admitted it, we had feelings for each other. I was hesitant about exploring those feelings because I'm afraid of getting hurt and hurting you."
Walking up to her, he put a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm not mad at you, I just wish you would have told me. I know I wasn't fair to you in the beginning of our partnership, but I'm glad you decided to stay. We've learned from each other and it's in the past." He grabbed her hand, placed it on his chest, above his heart with his hand covering hers. "I had a big revelation yesterday. You have made a place for yourself in my heart, but until yesterday I didn't know how big. You're here, Alex and I don't want you anywhere else." Lifting her head with his finger under her chin, he softly brushed his lips with hers. There was no pressure, just a gentle brush of lips, a promise of more. "We'll be all right." He whispered in her ear, pulling her body against his, embracing her with his strong arms.
"Promise?" She whispered in his chest.
"Promise."
The End