Brick Ballads
Chapter Five: "Destiny"

Matt had given up trying not to look any younger than he felt and had finally settled on drawing his knees up, folding his arms on top of them, and then resting his head on his arms. His stomach had settled somewhat, but that didn't stop him from feeling sick. He felt sick inside too. He didn't look up at the telltale sound of a short-range Javelin VIII, preferring to let the others deal with Superman, Waller, and Shinobi. He blocked out their voices as they explained the situation and tried his hardest not to feel the looks the three newcomers were giving him. But he still could. There was sympathy from Superman and Shinobi, and… He looked up at Waller. Yes, that was definitely regret on her face. A couple of hours ago, he would have been glad to see it, but now… Now, it just didn't matter anymore.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Matthew," she apologized, handing him a thermos. "Here. It's green tea. I made it, knowing what you were going to find."

He couldn't manage the amount of emotion necessary to be rude, so he accepted the thermos and took a sip. It was bitter stuff, but it at least cleaned the taste of vomit from his mouth.

"Please tell me that the man I've been calling my brother all these years isn't a clone," he begged, his voice hoarse with the trauma.

"No," she answered. "The clones were never activated. I tried once—when Shriek was holding Gotham ransom in exchange for Terry's life. I was about to warn Bruce that I had them and I could send one in Terry's place and no one would be the wiser. But in the end, Terry outthought the both of us and went to stop Shriek—not to sacrifice himself. He knew that it would have been pointless anyway and someone would still threaten the city if he died. I realized then that no matter what I did, I would never be able to recreate his soul. I could always implant memories into a clone, but I'd never be able to implant his heart." Matt felt a sudden hole in his own heart, but he ignored the feeling for the moment.

"You're so formal with me, but not with Terry," he noticed, talking to distract himself. "You always use my full first name when you speak to me, but you don't use his."

"That's because I never studied you the way I did him," she explained. "I watched him grow up, and I interfered where I thought it was necessary, but I left you to grow up on your own. I'd never planned for you. I suppose Terry probably gave you an edited version of the story I told him. What he probably didn't tell you is that he was supposed to grow up alone, in an environment mimicking Bruce's childhood. He was only eight when it happened, but I hired a woman named Andrea Beaumont to kill his parents as they walked to their car from the movie theater. She was a skilled assassin and knew Bruce's past enough so that she knew what it was I wanted her to create. She couldn't bear to do it, though, and persuaded me to let Terry find his own destiny rather than copy Bruce's." Matt just stared. If Terry had been eight, then that meant… Waller noticed his sudden look of comprehension and nodded. "It turns out that your mother became pregnant with you two months later. You were never supposed to exist. Even if you had been born beforehand, I would have slated you to be killed, since Terry was supposed to grow up as an orphaned only child. One way or another, you wouldn't have been born—if all went according to plan or if the League found out about Batman Beyond before I initiated it. It's only because of Beaumont that you're alive." Matt just stared at the ground. This was the second time that particular irony had come up: Someone who intended to put his life in danger inevitably wound up saving him. He was getting tired of it.

"What should we do now?" Shinobi questioned as Matt pulled himself to his feet.

"Matt, it's your decision," Superman informed. "This is your family that's involved, so we can't intrude on your right to protect them."

To protect them, he mentally repeated. How odd it sounded. Terry had been protecting him all of his life, had been protecting Gotham for half of his own life. Now it was his turn to protect Terry. But it wasn't from criminals. It was from the shattering of his world once again.

"Destroy it," he said, feeling the heaviness in his heart and hearing it in his words. "Burn the whole compound to the ground." Then, more softly, he added, "Bury the past." He knew they all heard it and understood. For far too long had this part of the Justice League's past been a painful memory. Now, it was time to cauterize the wound by burning away the pain, to leave nothing but ashes of memory.

He forced himself to watch as it happened, at the bright glow amidst the dark sky. He felt the heat of the flames against his face and forced himself not to throw up at the smell of the chemicals, equipment, and nonliving bodies inside. The rest of the League was the same, looking solemn as the laboratory burned. Lantern murmured some kind of Buddhist prayer, Shinobi joining him. Both Warhawk and Aquagirl also looked like they were praying. Superman crossed himself and Waller still had her hands clasped together. But Matt couldn't pray—it wasn't that he didn't believe in any god, but he didn't feel like prayer would ease his mind the way it had for his four teammates.

Finally, when all that was left were just ashes and memories and the prayers hanging in the silence of the night, he turned and left.

A light was on in Commissioner Gordon's office, so he took it as a sign that it was all right to come in. She watched him carefully as he climbed in the bay window and motioned for him to sit in the chair across from her desk. He barely managed it and had to vomit in her garbage can seconds after sitting down.

"Sorry," he apologized once he could speak.

"It's all right, kid. Want me to make you some tea?"

He smiled humorlessly. "Is that some kind of tradition? You see something bad and someone gives you tea?"

"It was for us, kid," the Commissioner answered. "Alfred, Bruce's butler years and years ago, always gave it to us after particularly hard missions. And when we wanted to talk about what happened, he'd listen, even if couldn't say anything that might help. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but it was always comforting to know that he was there to try and help us cope with the pain." A few minutes later, she handed him a mug. He sipped it and tasted lemon, milk, and honey. It tasted a lot better than what Waller had given him, and it helped put him at ease. He guessed she'd learned exactly what to make from Alfred. She'd probably had enough experience with it from her days as Batgirl. As sobering a thought it was to consider that the old woman had gone through much the same things as he just had, it offered him peace of mind. She would understand.

"I take it you saw something pretty bad," she commented. He nodded, still drinking his tea. "I'll listen if you want. I figure that's what you came here for—after all, I did offer my help in any way."

Setting the now empty cup down on her desk, Matt detailed the entire night, from the case they'd been given to the clones they'd found in the lab. Commissioner Gordon listened patiently, never answering, but nodding to let him know to continue. It hurt to relive it all over again, but he surprised himself with his level of control over his emotions. He'd been sure he would start crying or shouting or even start throwing up again. But he didn't. His words helped release his feelings so much more powerfully. When he was done, he felt a strange emptiness inside him. It had been there before, when he'd learned what the clones were meant for, but now that all the words and all of his emotions were out, he could feel that hollowness even more clearly.

"I never had a purpose," he realized. "I wasn't supposed to be a replacement for Terry—there were plenty made already."

"Then maybe you should stop trying to be someone else and start being you," she advised. "You need to find your own fate. Saving the world isn't easy, kid; sometimes you need to stop and save yourself."

"I'm twenty-three. I think I hardly qualify as a kid."

"Terry was 'kid' before you, and he was twenty-five before I stopped calling him that. You've still got a while to go." He smiled at that thought, and she smiled back.

"I'm just not sure I can do this anymore," he confessed. "I know I said I could take over as Batman if anything happened to Terry, but after tonight… This is the kind of thing he deals with all the time?" She nodded. "How does he do it?"

"It's tough, but he's stubborn—sometimes even more so than Bruce. He has a lot he wants to protect, and he's seen what happens when people fail to protect their loved ones. He can't bear to let that happen."

"How does he know where Batman ends and Terry begins?"

She smiled slightly. "That's a good question. I can't explain it completely, but I can give you enough of a picture as to why he doesn't get lost under the mask. Bruce is all shadows—I think that's pretty obvious to anyone who knows him. It's in his personality. He's lived in the darkness so long that it's become a part of him. You are all light; you can strive to protect the people you love, but you have a hard time coping with the dark side of humanity. Terry, however, is in the middle. He's seen both darkness and light and can handle them easily. You've probably noticed how he isn't quick to blame people and can forgive them easily. He can also hold grudges if he can't find anything worth forgiveness in a person. Most importantly, he's learned his self-worth and that it isn't just what Batman can do to save others, but what Terry can do to love them. If that makes any sense."

"I think so," he replied. "You're saying that they complement each other?"

"Pretty much. One would still be complete without the other, but they're best as two parts of the same person."

"I'm going to go," he decided. "I've got a lot I need to think about."

"Take all the time you need," she answered. "No one will hold it against you. I'll let the others know what happened."

"Don't tell Terry, though," he warned, and she stared at him in surprise. "He had to put up with it for months and he's only just accepted things. I don't want him to feel any worse than I do."

"All right, then," she promised. "Watch out for yourself, kid. You don't have to fall into darkness." He nodded in understanding and flew out the window.

When he got home, he showered, took stomach medicine, and pulled on a pair of gray sweats before falling asleep. His dreams were colored in red and black, with images of clones and fire. He kept hearing Waller's comments about how he wasn't supposed to be born and Superman's remark that the Justice League would never have let Project: Batman Beyond come into existence. He heard the others' prayers and his own silence. He heard heartbeats that stopped, and another that started after the other ones were gone. But throughout the nightmares, one thing stayed with him: the knowledge of who he was despite everything. Matt McGinnis wasn't supposed to exist, but he did, and he was going to take advantage of it.

He slept until ten in the morning, throwing up occasionally throughout the night. He'd only woken up to vomit again, and David had talked him into visiting the doctor. It was just a case of stomach flu—nothing to worry about as long as he took it easy and drank plenty of fluids. He didn't plan on going to class that day, and he was thankful that it was Friday, giving him the weekend to get over it.

It was a little past one when Kai and Akira knocked on the door. He stared at them in total surprise before finally asking, "What are you doing here?"

"We wanted to make sure you'd be okay," Kai answered. "Akira was concerned too, so I asked him to come along."

Matt looked at Akira in surprise, but he replied, "I wasn't sure of your emotional state last night. You were so traumatized that I wanted to be sure you didn't do anything rash." Matt realized this was the closest admission to "I was worried about you" that he was ever going to get from him, so he thanked him.

"So how are you?" Kai checked, sitting on the couch. Akira stood nearby, leaning against the wall.

"Could be better, could be worse," Matt answered, pulling up a chair. "Not going to be reporting in for a few days."

"And psychologically?" Akira added.

"I'm not completely sure," he admitted. "Right now, I'm not so good, but I think I can accept it eventually. I just need some time."

"Maybe your sick leave will give you that time," Kai suggested.

"At least I've got some comfort knowing that Terry isn't a clone," Matt commented. "I don't know how I would have been able to handle it if that was the case. Hell, how would everyone else handle it? Or even him? It'd have killed him." They nodded in understanding. While the possibility hadn't been quite as disturbing for them, it still crossed the line. For Terry, it would have killed him.

"Something's been bothering me," Kai confessed. The other men looked at him with concerned expressions. Kai was the voice of reason among his squad, and he almost always had an answer of some kind to everything. For something to be bothering him, it would have to be a big matter. "If this is what happened in a comparatively benevolent experiment, what exactly did Cadmus do when they and the League were enemies? We know about the Ultimen, Doomsday, and Galatea, but we weren't there like Kal and Bruce were. I can barely imagine how it must have been for them to have lived through it, much less if it was better or worse than what we just went through."

"You've been in the League longer than both of us," Akira pointed out. "Did Superman ever mention the details?"

"I was eight when I joined, fresh out of training with the Green Lantern Corps," Kai reminded him. "No matter how mature I was, no one wanted to completely destroy my innocence at that age. I got the most basic summaries needed in order for me to complete the mission. I've only started getting the harsher information in the past six years."

"I've read the files in the Batcave," Matt added, "There's a lot more information in there because of Bruce wanting to be sure everything was complete, but reading the description still doesn't give the whole story. Like you said, we didn't live through it."

"I agree," Akira decided. "I think what we did last night was for the best. And you probably put it best, Matt, when you said we were burying the past."

"Because now we have a future of our own to care for," Matt realized. "We can't be responsible for the past."

"But we are," Kai reminded them. "The past helps mold the future, so in order to preserve our future, we need to come to terms with the past. Those before us haven't always done so, so it's up to us to set things right for our future."

"We should probably go," Akira interrupted. To Matt, he explained, "Rex, Merina, Kai, and I are going to the other Cadmus facilities, putting them out of commission and saving whatever might help in our investigation. Afterwards, we're also taking some time off."

"Soul-searching?" Matt guessed.

"Somewhat," Akira admitted. "We need to put the past to rest too."

They'd just about walked out the door when Matt called, "Kai!" He turned. "Tell Merina she can drop her theory of the universal male conversation."

Kai laughed as Akira shot them a perplexed look. "I will. I'll also let her know that you and Akira had a civil conversation." Matt laughed back at this, and Akira raised an eyebrow in confusion. Even though he didn't know what they were talking about, it looked like he was going to wait until later to ask.

And once they were gone, Matt got back into bed, feeling a lot better than he had in a while.

The Javelin VIII is my own, designed to be a short-range upgrade to the long-range Javelin VII. Matt's comment about tea refers to "Tea for Two" and "Epilogue" to a lesser extent.