Mukai knew not to tap the glass.
Sho had told her, before, not to tap on the glass because it made the fish scared. Sho wasn't here, though, and Mukai was going to tap the glass as often as she wanted. If Sho had wanted her to stop then he should have been there to stop her. He shouldn't have run away from her. Everyone ran away from her…and she'd run way from everyone else, too. She and Mama and Shibata had run away to this little house away from everyone else.
But at least there were fish here.
"Swim away too. Everyone swims away." Said Mukai as she tapped on the glass. All the tiny little fish swam away, back to the other side of their tank. That was mean of them. They should have just stayed with her, it wasn't like she wanted to be mean to them. She just wanted to play but everything ran away. Like the cat, it wasn't Meow-Meow, she didn't know what this cat's name was. Sho had just called the cat 'Cat'.
The fish didn't have names, either.
"You swim there, and you swim there, and you swim there…and you don't swim over there. That's bad." said Mukai as the fish swam away from her. There were so many of them, more than she could count, and they all wanted to be away from her…maybe they would have stayed if she knew their names, if Sho had told her their names…if Sho had told her anything.
He had just left!
She had woken up and then he'd just…he'd just been gone! He had left a note but he knew that she didn't know how to read yet. Mama said that he was doing very important work with Fukuda and that he would be back as soon as he could have been. She didn't think so. If Sho's work had been that important then he could have asked her for help and if he was going to be back so soon then why did he leave her all alone in the first place? Why did he have to be mean like that?
She tapped the glass harder.
The little tree in the tank fell down. That wasn't good. She wasn't tall enough to reach into the tank and put it back the way it had been. She was barely tall enough to touch the glass. She didn't like this house, everything was too big. The couch was too high and the chairs and the table and the bed…and the colors were boring too. Lots of black, like it was a haunted house or something, and there wasn't enough room for her toys either. Not on the black bookshelves or black end tables or…or any of the other black furniture! She had barely been able to take any of her toys out of the box. She didn't want to live here. She wanted to live back with Shigeko, or back in the house with no windows, or even at Disney World again…she just wanted her friends to be there…but they weren't! She was all alone…
And she was small.
"You stay there, fish. I'll find a chair." Said Mukai. There had to have been some kind of chair in this house that was small enough for her. She just didn't know where it was. She didn't know where anything was in this house. They hadn't been here long enough for her to find out all of its secrets…it would have been easier if she'd had help. Sho should have been there to help her. Sho had been her friend for as long as she could remember, her friends and her brother, so that was two things. Neither of those things were supposed to leave her all alone with Mama and Shibata. First Caterpillars and then Shigeko and now Sho…and all of her other friends too. She was going to be alone forever, wasn't she? She was going to be all alone in their weird house and-and she was going to be little forever, too, wasn't she?!
It just wasn't fair…the world just wasn't fair…but she could make it less unfair!
She needed to find a chair. If she got bigger, taller, than maybe the world would have been a little more fair. Maybe she wouldn't have even needed Sho if she was taller. Maybe she would have been enough on her very own…maybe she even would have been big enough. That was it, wasn't it? That she was too small. That was why everyone left her all alone with Mama and Shibata, because she was too little to come along…
She was tired of being little.
She could be big, though, if she tried. There was a chair, there, in the living room…there was no way she could have pushed that chair with her arms. She was too little, her arms weren't strong enough, and…and it wasn't fair! But she didn't have to have strong arms. She reached out with her hands, with her colors, and tried to pull the chair over. It wasn't moving…heavy things didn't move when she used her colors. She tried to pull as hard as she could but the only thing that happened was a pillow flew off and hit her in the face.
It wasn't fair!
"It's not fair!" shouted Mukai. She stomped her foot and the house shook. All the fish were long gone, now, gone into the fish forest and little castle…they didn't want to be with her either! Nobody did! She was going to be all alone one day. It was going to be like the story Sho told her about how he used to have a Mama but she ran away in the middle of the night and he hadn't been able to find her no matter how much he looked…or like what happened with this lady. The fish lady. She had run away too, Mama had said, and they had to be in her house taking care of her things because she decided to be unfair and-and-and run away!
Why did people have to do things like that?
"It's not fair! It's not, it's not, it's not!" shouted Mukai, stomping her feet. The house shook…but it wasn't from her. She knew because it happened even when she stopped stomping her feet. Her colors weren't doing that either…Mama. Mama hadn't run away yet…but she would one day. That was what people did, they ran away and-and-and people were mean! They were mean and dumb and they were dickholes, too, like Sho was always saying!
"Mukai, what's going on in here? I thought you were watching-" said Mama as she tried to pick her up. Mukai shook her head and pushed Mama's arms away.
"No! Go away!" said Mukai
"You know we don't talk to people like that." Sighed Mama. Mukai crossed her arms and shook her head. Mukai knew how to talk to people, she wasn't a baby anymore, and anyway she hadn't even asked to talk to Mama! Mama had just come in and started talking to her and-and-and you shouldn't go and talk to people when they didn't want to talk to you! That was why Ryou had to live in the alone zone now and she was never going to get her hula hoop back…and she wanted her hula hoop back! And her friends and her brother and the rest of her family and Meow-Meow, too, because Fukuda had gotten a lot of turns with that cat already!
"I don't care! I can talk if I want to and-and I wasn't talking to you! You just came in and started talking and scared the fish and made the cat leave and Fukuda took it and-and-and you need to go in the alone zone, Mama, and never come out! You need to go and get a hula hoop and that will be your home and everyone will run away and you'll be all alone! That's what's going to happen to you! In the future! Over there!" said Mukai pointing to the spot between the TV and the couch. If they moved the table then that could be Mama's alone zone and then Mukai could watch her and make sure she didn't leave and-and-and she didn't want Mama to leave! She didn't want anyone to leave! She wanted Mama and everyone else to stay right where they were!
But they were going to leave…
And then she was going to be alone. She didn't know what she would have done on her own….it would have been so boring. She wouldn't have had anyone to play with or talk to…she grabbed onto Mama's shirt and made sure she couldn't leave…but no! Mama had come out here and been all-all like Mama and-and then she had just come and said…and said things and….and…Mukai pushed her away!
But then she pulled her close again.
She didn't want Mama to go but she didn't want Mama to stay, either! She wanted…she wanted Mama not to be a dickhole! She knew what that meant, when you were the meanest that you could be, like Caterpillars was when he yelled at people. Mama wasn't yelling but she was still being a dickhole…everyone was a dickhole! The whole world and everyone in it was a bunch of dickhole jerks and-and-and they shouldn't have been!
She pushed Mama away.
"Go away!" shouted Mukai
"Mukai, come on, breathe with me. In for four, out for-" said Mama as she reached out for Mukai. Mukai used her colors to push Mama's arms away. Her colors touched Mama's colors…it was weird. It felt kind of like…worried? Kind of like when you couldn't find your toys and you thought you left them behind and you would never get any toys again….she didn't like that feeling and she didn't want it!
"No! I don't want feelings and I don't want to-to breathe!" said Mukai
"You want to stop breathing?" laughed Mama. She laughed like this was funny…but it wasn't funny! Nothing funny was happening right now!
"No! Stop laughing! It's not funny, I'm not being funny right now!" said Mukai
"Alright, alright, I'll stop-" said Mama
"You're being a dickhole, Mama!" shouted Mukai. Mama stopped laughing. Her colors were showing. Her face looked like it was trying not to be mad, like there was a frown trying to show but she wouldn't let it, like her whole face was about to rip from trying not to frown….she didn't want Mama's face to rip…but she didn't want Mama to be a dickhole, either!
"What did you just say?" asked Mama in her mad voice, the one she used when she tried to keep her angries inside. She didn't have to be angry…she didn't have any reason to be angry. Or mad, or unhappy, or anything! She wasn't the one who's whole friends and family had run away and she wasn't the one who scared off all of the fish and she wasn't the one who was going to be little for the rest of her life! it wasn't fair!
"I said you were being a dickhole, Mama, that's what I said!" said Mukai
"Mukai…you know better than to talk to people like this…you know better than to talk to your mom like this…" said Mama
"You were being a dickhole! A dickhole! A dickhole!" shouted Mukai. Mama's facer turned pink, and then red, and then back to pink again. It was like her face was practicing for Valentine's Day or something…it would have been nice if it was…but she was getting mad. Angry. Not happy…Mukai wasn't scared! Sho wouldn't have been scared…but then again Mama wasn't Sho's mama, his mama had run away…like her mama was going to…
Everyone ran away, didn't they?!
"A dickhole's dickhole!" shouted Mukai. That was just like what Sho would have said…and Sho…he would have been happy for her…or something…she didn't know! It wasn't like he was there to tell her how he felt or-or anything like that!
"Mukai! No, no, no…you don't…you don't talk to me like that. I know you hear Sho using a lot of…of words that he shouldn't…but Sho's a big boy and he can say…he thinks that he can say whatever he wants to say…but you can't. You're only three years old-" said Mama
"I'm three and a half, Mama, my birthday is in weeks!" said Mukai
"Yes, it is, and you…you're getting older and you need to stop saying these things. Nobody ever taught Sho not to but Sho…he isn't….Sho isn't-" said Mama
"Sho's gone, Mama, Sho'a gone and he's never coming back!" said Mukai
"Oh, is that what this is about…of course it is." Said Mama. She sighed again but this time she didn't seem like she was trying to get her angries out. She didn't look like she had any angries in her at all…but now Mukai had angries and…and they wanted to come out! They wanted to come out and she didn't know what she would do if they stayed…it was like…like she was baking soda and someone had poured vinegar on her only she didn't smell really bad, or even a little bad, and she probably tasted better, too.
She licked herself. She tasted like salt.
"I'm salty, Mama." Said Mukai
"Yes you are, Mukai, yes you are." Said Mama
"Angry, too, I got lots of angries today." Said Mukai
"Because of Sho, right?" asked Mama. Mukai got even more angry at that…how could Mama have just come and said it like that? Like it didn't mean anything that Sho had just….that he was gone! Sho was gone and it was like he was never coming back and-and-and she wanted him to come back! She wanted everyone to come back and she wanted…she just wanted things to go back to the way that they were before! Back when they had pets that weren't scared of her and stayed in houses that weren't too big and…and she didn't care if they never went anywhere fun ever again! She just wanted everyone to come back and everything to go back to the way that it had been before everyone got all angry with each other for no reason!
Grownups were such dickholes!
"Yes! Sho ran away and Shigeko ran away and Caterpillars and…and they're two things! They're friends and family and…and all my friends ran away and my family and now we're here in this house and I don't like this house! It's a dickhole's house!" said Mukai. She tried to push Mama away but she had longer arms and was stronger. Her colors were showing. Mukai tried to push her away again…but she wasn't strong enough. She tried to get free but Mama held on good and tight, like the time she tried to take the carrot away from the ham-ham and the ham-ham got stuck…they had very strong teeth like that.
She wondered if ham-hams ever had these problems.
She wondered if they ever got sad, being moved around, or lonely since Sho had given so many of them away. She wondered if the ham-hams ever looked at her and everyone else and got angries inside of themselves, if they ever called them dickholes and assholes and jerkholes and pie holes and whatever other kinds of holes there were. She wondered if their mamas ever held them so close and so tight that no matter how much they fought they couldn't get free…and all of their angries got all used up trying to fight…
Her angries were gone, now, and sleepies…tireds…were in their place.
"Mukai, no, you cant use that word. You know that you can't use that word." Said Mama
"House?" asked Mukai as Mama let her go. She scratched her head. What else was she supposed to call this place, then?
"No…the other one…the one Sho uses. You can't say that word just because your big brother uses it. He's a big boy and sometimes…sometimes he thinks he's a very big boy, but he isn't…but everyone treats him like he is…." Said Mama
"Sho's thirteen, Mama, he had a birthday before Christmas. I drew him a picture, we had pancakes, he picked his nose and wiped it under the table. I was there and so were you." said Mukai
"I know, I remember, and thirteen…it's not as grown up as you think it is." Said Mama
"It's grown up. Sho can reach the top shelf and use the stove and nobody takes his phone away…and he runs away, too. He runs way from me and…and he's never coming back!" cried Mukai. Mama made shushing noises, but not the shut up kind, and rubbed her back.
"I know, I know, it's hard…but he didn't run away. Your brother left because…because someone very special to him is in trouble and he's trying to save her. He's coming back and then you two can play again. I bet that Sho's going to be so happy to see you that….that he agrees to play whatever you want to play." Said Mama
"Play with the fish?" asked Mukai
"I'm not really sure if fish like to play, Mukai." Said Mama
"They do too! Like this!" said Mukai. She stood on her tiptoes and smacked her hand against the glass. It was kind of funny how the fish swam away, now that she thought about it, now that she remembered that they were going to come back…Mama was right, when someone left that didn't mean that they were gone forever, of course they were going to come back. Mama could be really smart about somethings.
But not all things.
"Mukai, no, those aren't our fish. How about you come to the kitchen and help Hiroshi figure out how to feed the starfish? How does that sound?" asked Mama. She didn't wait for Mukai to answer, she just picked her up and carried her away. Mukai didn't know how to get free, Mama was tall and strong, so she just let herself be carried.
Shibata was probably lonely.
She didn't want him to think that she was trying to run away from him. She didn't want to make anyone feel the way she had felt, to have had so many angries inside of them that they said bad words. She wasn't sure which of those words had been bad but she knew that Mama had been mad when she said them…and she didn't want Mama to be mad. People left when they got mad…or when they had things to do…
But at least they always came back.