This is full of many people being stubborn.
Interlude: A Flurry of LettersJune 30th, 1994
Dear Peter:
I assure you that I intend to take good care of Harry. I don't know if you want me to swear an oath, since the last ones I swore were hardly kept. But I will, if you wish me to. Simply name the terms: by Merlin, by magic, or anything else.
Harry is healing, I think. He's thrown himself into teaching his brother. I've tried to get him to slow down and relax when I think he needs it. He doesn't take to that very well. The more I watch him, the more I realize my son has never had a true parent. In some ways, he's learned to compensate on his own. In others, he hasn't, or he's missing the presence of his guardian. His dislike of 'restrictions' such as eating properly and going to bed early makes me think that he's still not learned to care for himself.
I've asked Harry what he wants. That sometimes does me good, but not often. What Harry says he wants is time with his brother, and honesty from me, and for Draco Malfoy to visit him. Nothing else.
If you have any advice that you can give me, Peter, I'd be grateful. You saw more of him this year than I did. And it's not just your threat driving me, before you make that insinuation. I really do want to be a better father to my sons. Nothing else is more important to me right now.
James.
July 1st, 1994
Lily:
I don't really know what to say to you, so I'll put my words on the parchment and hope that you can make them out. You always used to be good at that, back at Hogwarts. I'm wondering how much of the woman I knew after Hogwarts was real and how much an illusion, so I'll go back to what I knew was true.
Do you want to see our sons again for any other purpose than using them in the war? That's the question I need an answer to before I can let you see Connor again. The other decision isn't yours, but Harry's.
I've asked Connor. He went big-eyed and quiet, and then admitted that he misses you, but he's afraid of what would happen if he saw you again- if you would try to control him or tell him that he couldn't have his own life or see Harry again until Harry was properly under control.
Maybe that's the second question I want an answer to. If you do want to see our sons again for any other purpose than just making them sacrifices, then what would you say to them? You can write it out. I can't promise to show it to them.
And yes, before you can ask, I love you still. That doesn't mean I can bring the boys back to you yet. I can't.
James.
July 1st, 1994
Dear Professor Snape:
I hope you're well, sir. I've investigated the possibilities of your coming through to Lux Aeterna by Floo and Portkey, and I'm afraid that the wards block them both. Lux Aeterna is entirely sealed off to the world for some people, and entirely open to others. James says that he can't lower one set of wards, and he certainly can't change his dislike of you when he doesn't know you very well at all.
Could you perhaps write to him, sir? That might help ease the lowering of the barriers, and permit you to come to Lux Aeterna in time.
I'm very well. Connor is improving in leaps and bounds. Lux Aeterna is fascinating—not as fascinating as Dark magic or Potions, of course, but it has many treasures, and hidden corners I didn't know existed. I've met my grandparents and great-aunts and other relatives through portraits. I've learned that the Maze James was in compelled him to honesty, so I trust his intentions more now. I've celebrated Midsummer by launching boats into the dawn from a beach in Northumberland. I'm slowly starting to feel at home here. It isn't a feeling I've felt very often before, so it took me some time to analyze it. Of course, Draco claims that I felt at home at Malfoy Manor, but I don't know. I was so tense the first time I was there, for Christmas, and then I was largely broken last summer, and the people around me were more important than the place.
Please don't tell Draco I said that, sir.
I've read the books you sent me, and I had a few questions. Is it really true that Calming Potions can't be improved? Why? The book just made a flat statement about it, which I don't think very wise. It seems as though the addition of a few violet petals should not only make them last longer, but also taste better. And I was thinking that perhaps a few more violet petals in the Wolfsbane Potion wouldn't go amiss, either.
I was wondering whether I couldn't make a potion that would mimic the effects of the Disillusionment Charm. Oh, I know that I'm very far from being able to make a successful potion of my own, but the theory is sound, I think, sir. Can you take a look at my list of notes on this other parchment and tell me what I should do to brew it?
Why are Beetle's Eye Potions orange?
I promise, sir, that I will arrange to visit you before we come back to Hogwarts. Perhaps at Diagon Alley?
Harry.
July 3rd, 1994
Dear Harry:
Do not think it escaped my notice that you said nothing in your most recent letter about your nightmares, which I know that you are still having, as you also made no comment about the vial of Dreamless Sleep Potion I sent you not being needed. Nightmares like yours are a serious matter, Harry. If I find out that you have been having them still and not reporting them to me, you will be in Occlumency training for the entirety of this next year.
How frequent are your nightmares? How long do they last? How many do you have a night? What common images occur in them?
I am glad that you are feeling at home in Lux Aeterna. However, never forget that James has been weak before. I do not trust him. If he makes a single motion that you interpret as threatening you, contact me at once. The second owl I will send comes with books on wards. Even old houses such as that Potter wreck often have unsuspected weaknesses in the wards. I wish you to know what they are, both for reasons of your own safety and so you will know what you must attack if I ever need to come through.
I trust that Mr. Malfoy is making you rest and spend some time on yourself as well as your brother. I will write him, and if I find this is not the case, you will meet me in Diagon Alley next week, so that I can assess your condition.
To answer your questions:
Calming Potions cannot be improved by the addition of violet petals, or indeed in any other way, because their base is stagnant. That is what makes them work, but it also means they simply absorb the extra ingredients without any effect. There have been numerous experiments to improve them over the last twenty years. Nothing has ever worked. There are already violet petals in the Wolfsbane Potion. Why do you feel the need to add more? Has the wolf been threatening you?
Your notes on your Disillusionment Potion still lack answers to several basic questions. What mixture of demiguise hair and liondragon scales would possibly be stable enough to bear the addition of yet more ingredients? What would you do to protect yourself from the explosion of fumes that would follow your seventh step? How would you prevent the potion from becoming inert when you had added the lacewings' bodies?
If I find that you have been trying to brew this potion on your own, I will not wait for any meeting in Diagon Alley. You will come back to Hogwarts with me for the summer, and you will have detention from then until next summer, as you obviously cannot be trusted with the safety of yourself and others.
Beetle's Eye Potions are orange from the addition of the tiger's-eye stone, Harry. You should have known that.
Be happy.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 3rd, 1994
Dear Draco:
I know that you have been visiting Harry regularly at Lux Aeterna. I would like you to give me a description of his condition, in particular focusing on his nightmares, his eating habits, and how much time and attention he spends on his twin.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 4th, 1994
Dear Professor Snape:
Harry is happy, though I think it's thanks to me and not that miserable father and brother of his. (Professor Lupin helps, sometimes, but Harry doesn't spend that much time with him). He laughs and smiles when I see him. He'll explore Lux Aeterna and fly with me as readily as he'll talk with me about history or the pureblood customs or the war that's coming. I think he's finally learning that he can say anything to me, and it doesn't matter; I won't judge him or turn my back on him for it.
He seems to be sleeping relatively well, though he won't talk about his nightmares (all right, then, there's still one thing he won't talk with me about). He eats well. He's not thin or starving or anything like that.
He still spends far, far too much time on his twin. He trains Connor in dueling spells every day, at the same time, whether or not I'm there. Sometimes I visit, and he's just sitting and listening to the prat babble on about Sirius Black and nodding, as though Harry were just a listening ear and not an equal sufferer. I've tried to talk to Harry about that. He shrugs, and says that he's done a lot of his mourning, and the best way for him to heal is to listen to other people talk about it. He drives me mad.
I think the most disturbing thing is that Harry still doesn't have any clue about the impact his magic is having on the wizarding world. He thinks he can get away with, I don't know, just tossing power at people sometimes, and they'll nod and give him the aid he asks for, and then that's the end of it, a bargain for a bargain. I've talked to him about it several times, and now I understand. It's a combination of things. He doesn't want to be a Lord like Dumbledore, and asking someone else to do something without giving something immediate in return, or swearing an oath back to them, strikes him as Dumbledore-ish. He doesn't feel as much awe of his magic as we do, because, of course, he's living in the middle of it, and doesn't know just how much joy it causes for other people. And he still has trouble conceiving of himself in any important role that draws other people's attention, as opposed to some shadowy fighter whom no one really knows exists. That's his mother's training, I'll bet.
But it doesn't matter. He's still Slytherin, and I'll still visit him every other day, and I'm going to make sure that he doesn't suffer for lack of Slytherin company. I'll take good care of him, sir, for his sake and for both of ours.
Your gracious student,
Draco Malfoy.
July 4th, 1994
Potter:
Your son thinks I ought to write to you, in the interests of lowering our enmity. I am unconvinced that this is the best course of action. So long as I loathe you, I cannot enter Lux Aeterna, but the boy will also have a protector who is looking out for his best interests, instead of your own.
Nevertheless, Harry asked me to contact you, and I have done so.
Professor Severus Snape
Potions Master of Hogwarts.
Head of Slytherin House.
July 6th, 1994
Snape:
Loathing me is not the best course of action. Neither is loathing you, I admit. For example, if you were here, perhaps you would be able to tell me why an explosion has just destroyed the anteroom that I'd let Harry set up as a Potions lab. He's fine, but the anteroom is completely covered in orange slime.
James Potter,
Master of Lux Aeterna.
July 7th, 1994
Potter:
Harry added other ingredients to a mixture of demiguise hair and liondragon scales. Let me through the wards. I told the boy I would punish him if he attempted to make this potion, and I have the right to do so, as his legal guardian.
Snape.
July 8th, 1994
Snape:
You don't get it, do you? I can't just lower the wards like that. They depend on my loathing of you, and that is quite intact, thank you.
Harry has long since been punished. You forget that, while you're writing letters from Hogwarts, I'm in the same house with him. He has apologized, though he did say specifically that he was not attempting to use demiguise hair and liondragon scales, but some other mixture of ingredients. I've forbidden him to work on potions for a week, and he meekly accepted that.
Speaking of which, I found a vial of Dreamless Sleep Potion in his bedroom, one that Connor hasn't been using. I'll thank you to stop sending Potions to my son which I haven't approved.
James Potter.
July 9th, 1994
Potter:
You are a fool. Did you even check his lab for remnants of demiguise hair and liondragon scales? Or did you simply accept his word? Have you checked on the lab since you demanded that he stop working? Harry is a Slytherin, Potter. He is quite capable of agreeing on the surface, and pursuing something that he really wants to do under it.
I have sent the Dreamless Sleep Potion to Harry because he has been suffering from nightmares, quite savage ones, from the brief descriptions he sent me at the beginning of summer—nightmares that make his scar bleed. I trust that even you can grasp the importance of that. If he has been using it, then he has managed to escape into peace for a time, and I hope that, as the man who denied peace to him for such a large part of his childhood, you will not begrudge him this.
You may send another letter, but I shall not answer it. It is obvious that you are still an acrimonious child who cannot be trusted to look after children. I shall find some way to remove Harry from your care.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 10th, 1994
Harry:
It has occurred to me that while I cannot come to you, you might easily come to me. If you were to leave Lux Aeterna's wards and give me details of a point outside of them, I could easily Apparate to you. Then you could spend the rest of your summer the way it should be spent, with Slytherin companions who do not depend on you to train them and make allowances for them.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 11th, 1994
Snape:
You can't take Harry away from me, not if he doesn't want to go. And I've investigated the lab, thank you, and found no trace of either demiguise hair or liondragon scales, and no sign that Harry's been working in it this past week.
James Potter.
July 13th, 1994
Dear Professor Snape:
I'm sorry, sir. I don't think leaving the wards would be a good idea. There are still Death Eaters abroad, and one of them might manage to trace me if I leave the wards for long. I'm told that my magic is rather distinctive.
Besides, there is still the same problem there always was if I am to spend the summer with you. You will not accept Connor, and my brother has to come with me. I'm just making progress in training him, and helping him to recover from the loss of Sirius. I'm not going to abandon him half-healed just because I might, possibly, have made a mistake with a potion, which was not the Disillusionment Potion, but a different one.
Thank you, sir, for your solicitude. My father is planning to bring us to Diagon Alley at the end of August; I don't know the exact day yet. But when I do, I'll write to you, and we can certainly plan to meet.
Harry Potter.
July 15th, 1994
Snape:
Damn it, answer me, you bastard!
James Potter.
July 17th, 1994
Harry:
It seems that, as you are intent on thinking the best of those with you, and that they need more healing than, in fact, they do, another form of proof is needed. Enclosed please find the letters that your father has sent me in the past few weeks. In the latest one, he descended to impugning my parentage. Once you have read them, perhaps you will agree that it is best for you to leave a house in which the man who calls himself your father makes no effort to do what is really best for his son.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 18th, 1994
Dear Professor Snape:
I've read the letters, and talked to my father about them. He showed me the letters that you had sent him in return.
I'm not going to say they were worse than his. They were about the same, really: the writings of a man who cannot get over a childish grudge, who claims to love me but, really, doesn't seem to show it.
I understand that you may not be able to heal this enmity overnight. Do know that I am asking you to try. If you cannot, then, please, simply be satisfied with meeting me at the end of August, as I will send you no more letters.
I can see your face now, worrying over whether James will be receiving equal treatment to you. Oh, yes, he will. Be assured. I am perfectly capable of ignoring someone even though he lives in the same house with me.
You were plaguing me with questions about my feelings, I believe, sir, earlier in the summer. At the moment, I am coldly furious with both of you.
Harry.
July 20th, 1994
Dear Harry:
I have taken a few days to consider the matter, and I have decided that you were right. Please forgive me.
I am unhappy with having you so far away, relying on second-hand reports—even yours must be considered second-hand reports, because I do not have the evidence of my own eyes to balance them with—of your health and safety. I do not want you to destroy yourself. That has nothing to do with your being James's son, a pawn in any game I might wish to play against him, or a Slytherin I think is powerful and magically talented. It has to do with your being Harry.
I do not want to lose you, and knowing I cannot be there to help protect you is driving me slowly mad.
Please, stay safe. I will plague you with no more questions about nightmares if you do this for me. Do not brew dangerous Potions. Do not venture outside the house's wards; I was wrong to encourage you to do so. Spend time on your own healing, as well as your brother's. Do nothing to antagonize anyone who might hurt you.
I ask you to do these things, because I can do nothing else right now.
Professor Severus Snape.
July 20th, 1994
Dear Professor Snape:
I understand how hard it was for you to write that letter, and I accept your apologies.
I am staying safe. I have written down a list of my nightmares, which I'll enclose and send to you, though in truth they're so disjointed that I don't think they mean much. The Dreamless Sleep Potion has been helping.
Draco visited yesterday, and managed to coax me into letting Remus take over Connor's training session. I hate to admit it, but I think it may have helped both of them. Remus has been feeling more or less useless ever since we came here—not wanting to intrude on the bond that James has been rebuilding with both of us, but not knowing what else to do with himself. And Connor…damn it, Draco was right—
Excuse me, Professor Snape. Draco would not stop laughing when he read what I'd written over my shoulder. Getting him to shut up was in order.
I'm not going to repeat it. He can see it. Connor needs someone who won't hold back with him the way I tend to do. Remus knows how to teach someone. It's working fine, and Connor was even impressed when they were done.
Of course, Draco didn't let me watch them for very long. We went flying, and then I introduced him to the Maze—it just watched him—and then I got your letter.
You are my legal guardian, and I want you to stay that way. I know it's hard trying to write to the wizard who saved your life. But, even given that both of those things are true, other things are also true. James is my blood father, and he wants to be a father in affection, too. I want that. I never want to choose between you, but if it came down to a choice, then it would lie with the one who had the most commitment to making my life easier. Right now, both of you are making it very hard by not even making an attempt to get along.
But I do trust that you will try. Thank you.
Harry.
July 21st, 1994
James:
I am impressed that you wrote back. I didn't think you had it in you.
I have taken time to think over what sort of advice I ought to give you about Harry, and my best piece is not to trust everything the boy says about himself. I know that you might be inclined to accept what he is on the surface and not look any deeper, but you have to. Harry knows a great deal about the world, and almost nothing about himself.
Watch him. Note the way he reacts to things, even when he doesn't realize he's doing so, or when you might be tempted to consider the reactions trivial. You could probably name a dozen things that Connor likes, foods or sweets or games or Quidditch teams, without even trying. Can you say the same about Harry? If not, start building up the bond.
Be honest with him. He's been lied to enough in his life. He has to know that when someone says he loves him, he really means it this time. Otherwise, he'll give chances, and give chances, and get hurt in the meanwhile, until he finally cuts that person out of his mind and heart. And remember, James, I hear that you've hurt him, and you'll have a bit of a rat problem.
Don't try to make him reconcile with Lily. He doesn't have to. He doesn't need her any longer. I know you love her, but Harry doesn't have to.
Be respectful of the people who did manage to make a dent in his heart—Snape, the Malfoy boy, his brother.
Make sure you speak with him about Sirius. I have no words for how horrible that was, James. I miss him, too, the stupid, stubborn son of a bitch. And I was the one who went to Azkaban for him. I can't imagine what Harry must be feeling. Sirius was his godfather, and Harry hadn't got to the point of cutting him out of his mind and heart yet.
I suppose the ideal thing to say would be for you to find a balance between your sons, but I really do think that Harry needs more attention. Don't let him fob you off, or distract you by referring to Connor. I saw him do that a few times when I was in the school to watch over him. He knew that other people would want to talk about Connor because he was the Boy-Who-Lived, or because they disliked him, and he would get that person to start thinking about Connor and stop paying attention to him. That's a relic of Lily's training, I think.
I don't know about rebuilding our friendship yet. For now, I'll take these letters, to discuss a boy who's been hurt enough in his life, Merlin knows.
Peter.
July 23rd, 1994
James:
I want to see the boys. Please. Can't I talk to them? And you, as well? Don't you miss the house at Godric's Hollow? It was our home for so many years. I do love you, and them, and miss you, and them.
Please, come back home.
Love,
Lily.
July 25th, 1994
Dear Lily:
I'm sorry. You didn't answer either of the questions I asked you. I can't let you see them. I think it would be best if we stopped writing for now.
James.