From the Past, Chapter Six
So this was the big secret, this was why the older Lupin was so amazed to see Sirius, why everyone was so amazed to see him. Sirius was a murderer. And not just by an accident, which would have been fine, but alongside the greatest evil there was - Voldemort. His best friend, ever since they met at Hogwarts, was going to kill other friends, even Muggles he wouldn't even know.
The young Lupin glanced at Sirius, who was talking animatedly to James, while eating his meal. They were joking, laughing; even Peter had become an important part of their conversation. They were friends, and they would be separated in only a few years. Well, in their time, anyway. I can't let this happen, the young Lupin thought, but how can I prevent something so serious?
"Are you alright?"
Remus was instantly taken out of his trance. It was James who had spoken to him. James, who was going to die. No! He couldn't think like that. He was going to prevent this, prevent everything.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that…" his voice trailed off. After a moment of silence their conversation started back up again, and Remus pretended to listen while thinking. Sirius must have been forced to do it. You-Know-Who probably came right up to the house and - the house! Of course, it must be why he had the house! But how would that work…Sirius was missing, and Lupin had the house. Was he in on it? Did he have something to do with it?
No, Remus told himself. I would never do that to any of my friends, no matter what happened. I'd die instead.
Eventually, the boys started asking him questions, about how he was and such. He answered as politely as he could, but eventually got tired of their banter. It was too much for him at a time like this, he was trying to say one thing and think another. After a few minutes he asked if they could leave, telling them that he was tired. He really wasn't - the shock of the articles had left him wide awake! But he still needed time to think about things, and figure them out. Perhaps even think of a way to stop them from ever happening. His friends left, Sirius closing the door softly behind him before he walked down the stairs. Lupin was left to his to his thoughts.
The three Marauders reached the bottom of the staircase, only to find Harry, whose back was turned as he leaned against the railing.
"Come to talk to your old man?" James asked him, an angry tone in his voice. Harry turned around quickly, a slight look of fear on his face. He glances at Sirius, then back to his father.
"Well…um…no, actually," James snorted at this. "Is Lupin up there?"
"He's tired. You would be too," James replied, still seeming mad.
"I mean…not him. Professor Lupin?" Harry's discomfort was entirely noticeable. Hermione's words echoed through his mind, seeming to rock back and forth, inaudible to his ears, but noisy in his mind.
"I don't think so," Sirius was the one to answer. He lifted his forefinger and pointed to the left, "I'm pretty sure he went back to the parlor to clean up or something," Harry nodded nervously and began to move in that direction. James snorted.
"Let's go to the kitchen," he said, beginning to walk in the opposite direction. Peter giggled happily and followed, his short legs moving at top speed.
The parlor was still in an awful condition. The wallpaper was still ripped and glass pieces were still littering the floor. In the middle of the room an elder Remus Lupin was picking pieces of what seemed to be an old lamp. At least, it was at one time. He picked it up, piece by piece, placing it in a plastic bag. Harry knocked at the edge of the doorway softly, gaining the quiet man's attention instantly.
"Yes, Harry?" he asked. Harry stared for a minute, not knowing what to say.
"Nothing - it was nothing, never mind," he turned to leave, but Lupin stood and called out to him.
"Harry, come back. I wanted to speak with you."
This was it, Harry thought. Lupin was going to give him a lecture about how he should be closer to his father, that he could be leaving soon, just as Hermione had already told him. Why had he even come? He didn't have a question to ask! He just…felt like coming. Still, he turned back and walked into the room. Lupin motioned for him to sit on a small stool, as he sat on one opposite of it.
"Just sit there Harry. I'd offer you the couch, but it's not very appealing at the moment."
Harry sat down slowly on the tiny chair, and was amazed at its ability to hold him up. It was no more than a child's stool, and Harry had grown into a man over the summer. Not only physically, but mentally also. He knew that this would be his final visit to Privet Drive, that he would never have to go there again after this. And for some reason, he became almost sentimental about it. It was all Petunia's fault - if she hadn't come to him with some sob story about why she always treated him so badly, how she felt forced to do it through her husband's aversion to any differences in the world from his own life, Harry wouldn't have joined along. But he had, and he forgave that woman. Harry regretted it instantly, and left as quickly as he could on his broomstick, covered by his Invisibility Cloak.
"What did you want to tell me, Professor?"
"You don't have to call me that anymore, Harry," Lupin told him. Harry nodded, apologetically. "And I didn't really want to tell you anything. I would like to ask you something."
Harry looked up. This wasn't a lecture? It would become one, he knew only too well how these conversations always ended up.
"Yes, sir?"
"Remus, Harry."
"Okay."
"I wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to your father today, Harry."
Of course…that was the question in everybody's mind. Surely the entire house knew about it by now. Harry rolled his eyes, keeping his head down so Lupin couldn't see him. Harry searched his mind for answer. Why didn't he want to talk to his father? But the real question, that only he had, was why he only wanted to see Sirius. Harry finally decided that he had come to a conclusion.
"I'm not sure."
Wow, he thought. Great answer, idiot.
"You don't?" Harry shook his head. Remus sighed.
"Are you angry at him, Harry?"
"What would I be angry at him about? It's not his fault," Harry suddenly felt something beginning inside him. It was a feeling that ran through his stomach and up to his eyes. It, like Hermione's words, rocked back and forth gracefully.
"Are you angry at me then, Harry?"
"Why are they here?" Harry avoided the question.
"I'm not sure…Hermione told me that they were supposed to have a compass of some sort…they can't find it," Lupin tried his question again. "Are you angry at me, Harry?"
"No," Harry answered softly. It was a lie. He was angry at Lupin, but had no idea why. He asked another question.
"What's wrong with you? I mean," Harry shook his head. "Not you, the old you - I mean the other you, I mean-"
"I know what you mean, Harry," Remus gave a small laugh. "He seems to be in limbo. You see, last night was the full moon in his era, and it wasn't in ours. He is currently half way through a transformation."
"Half way?"
"Not a werewolf, but not a human either. He'll probably transform again in three days time, on our moon."
"But, you will too, won't you?"
"I think so, Harry."
"God…" Harry shook his head. Two werewolves in the same room, both the same person, and with no potion to keep them calm. Harry wondered why Remus could no longer take his potion - Snape was the only Potions Master Lupin had trusted, and was one of the only Wizards who could make it. The others were either bad Potions Masters, or evil.
"Anyway, Harry. Will you perhaps try to answer my original question?" Harry sighed, almost angrily.
"I don't know, I-" he tried to think of something to say. "I just don't want to. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate him, I just don't want to. It's…it's really weird, I guess."
"Are you embarrassed around him, Harry?" Harry nodded. "Why?"
"Because…" once again, Harry let out a loud sigh. He looked at the bags of trash on the ground, then back at Lupin. "Why aren't you using magic to clean this, Professor?"
Lupin let Harry call him by his courtesy name, then answered. "There are some things that I want to take better care of than magic can. You see this photo, Harry?" Lupin picked up the photo of the Marauders from behind his stool. It was taped together and had only some of it's colour restored, but it was still apparent that it was of the Marauders.
"Magic doesn't know sentiment, Harry. It simply knows spells and books. It is not a human thing, nor should it be treated as such. It is simply a tool that some have learned to use in their life, for both good and bad."
"Remus…I don't like being around my dad. It's because…because of Sirius," Lupin looked up from his photo to Harry.
"Why, Harry?"
"It's not that I didn't miss him-" Harry began to say about his father. The feeling from his stomach had finally settled in his eyes, and he felt them begin to water. "Every day, I've wanted for him to just be here, to be my dad, to know him, and I thought that that was what I wanted more than anything. It's what the Mirror of Erised told me. I thought it would still be the same," Harry's hand found it's way to the back of his neck, and he rubbed it back and forth, trying to calm himself.
"And then, when he came into the kitchen, I was expecting to just see him. But…Sirius was there."
Sirius was there.
"As much as I wanted to see my dad, I just didn't. I wanted to talk to Sirius, instead. I wanted to see him more. My dad - I just didn't care! I don't understand why!" Finally, Harry's head fell into his hands. He muttered words quietly into his palms, each full of anger and sadness. Lupin stood up from his small chair and kneeled beside Harry. He pulled his hands from his face and looked at him.
"Harry…you never knew your father. Not really. You've seen him in memories, perhaps, but you never really knew him," Harry looked straight at Lupin. There were no tears on Harry's face, just red cheeks and eyes. "You knew Sirius, Harry. That's why he matters more to you."
Harry wiped his face, half expecting to feel tears there. He looked at his fingers, surprised at how dry they were. He glanced back to Lupin.
"Sir…how are we going to handle the full moon?"
"I don't know, Harry," Lupin answered truthfully, standing up rather quickly. Harry opened his mouth to speak. "I realize that I could have the boy's help, like they did before. But…let's just say that two werewolves are much harder to handle than only one," Harry smiled at this statement, reminded of an old expression.
"I understand."
"We'll think of something, Harry. The last thing I want to do is have anybody in this house hurt because of me. Both myself and the other…me," Lupin shook his head violently for a moment.
"How do you handle it, Sir?" Harry asked, not even thinking to call him by his first name.
"Handle what?"
"Well, they're your friends, too…isn't it hard?" Remus let out a sound that seemed like half a laugh, and half a sigh.
"Of course it's hard, Harry. But it's something that I have to come to terms with," he answered. "Sirius was my best friend also, Harry, and I wish that he had never gotten mixed up with everything. But for now, I just have to enjoy the way he is here, and now."
"You should too," he finished. Harry stood up and began to leave, nodding. He looked back.
"When are you planning to send them home, Professor?"
"As soon as we can, Harry. That's why I want you to talk to your dad," Harry's hand made it's way to his forehead. "You don't have to, of course, but I don't want you to be disappointed when he's gone."
"Sir…did this happen to you when you were their age?"
"No, Harry. At least, not the 'Me' you are currently speaking with."
"Then what could have happened in their time to make them come? What could be different?" Lupin shook his head.
"I've contacted some friends from the Order…none of them know."
"But why, Professor?"
"I don't think that it's something we can understand, Harry. At least, not yet," Harry rolled his eyes. "We are trying, Harry."
"I know," he said, apologetically as he left. Lupin sat back down on the ground and went back to working.
It had been about an hour. Peter Pettigrew was creeping up the stairs. The kitchen had been entirely out of peach treats, and Peter knew that Lupin's food plate still had a few on it. He tip-toed into the bedroom, looking around. Remus seemed to be sleeping. Slowly but surely he moved towards his plate, and quickly grabbed two treats from it with his hand. Then a voice was heard.
"Peter - is that you?"
It was Lupin. Peter instantly threw his hand behind his back.
"Yeah, it's me."
Lupin had been thinking for the past hour, about how to prevent things. He had to tell somebody, he had to get help. Sirius had killed Peter. He wanted to tell James, as he was the first victim, but James would be too quick to tell Sirius about things. Then he thought of telling his older self, but wouldn't he already know? He'd probably lie, anyway. He could tell one of the other adults, but he hardly knew them. Then Peter came in. Lupin had no idea why he was alone, or what he had just done, but he realized that Peter would be the best person to tell this to. He was quiet enough to keep it a secret, but smart enough to understand what was going on. Besides, he deserved to know - he was a victim of the murder also!
Lupin began to sit up while Peter watched him carefully, still hiding the candies behind his back. Lupin stared at him for a minute, then spoke once again. Peter braced himself, worried that he knew.
"Peter…sit down," he said. "There's something I have to tell you."
Peter sat in the chair Lupin had offered, carefully placing the sweets into his pocket. He listened to Lupin, all the while giving an inner cheer for his sneaky success.