Well, I garnered some very weird looks when I wrote this chapter, I was sobbing my eyes out. And a year later, when I read it again I sobbed once again. The song for this chapter is 'Wishing you were somehow here again' specifically from the Phantom of the Opera, 2004 as sung by Emma Rossum. In so much as you can, enjoy. ~K
Chapter 60 - Ashes
(MPOV)
Optimus' holoform got out of his cab first, glancing around before walking to the passenger door, he offered a hand and helped me down, climbing up to gather the flowers we'd stopped to pick up.
He handed me the bouquet and offered an arm, which I delicately linked my hand through, letting him guide me toward the tastefully decorated grave sites. An entourage of holoforms followed closely behind. Brick's wife hurried toward me, a tiny, sobbing woman with hair so blonde it was almost white.
"Mary, oh Mary I'm so sorry," I murmured, holding her tightly as Arcee gently took the bouquet, freeing my hands.
"Thank you Kae, you gave them back their honour," Mary whispered looking up at me with the bright green eyes that had always pierced through your defences. I cupped her cheek lightly and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, glancing up at Optimus.
He nodded and started forward again, taking my hand and protectively tucking it into the crook of his elbow. We stood silently; my arm still wrapped tightly around the still sobbing woman, not caring that her tears were dampening the modestly cut silk of my pantsuit. The femmes especially had been spoiling me, allowing me to maintain my quiet, numb demeanour, asking rather than demanding if I wished to join them on the shopping excursion that had brought the pantsuit to the base for me.
And every bot had been there, not an hour went by when there wasn't a hand briefly touching my face, my hands, my shoulders. Anchoring me. Reminding me that they were there.
The funeral was modest, officiated by an elderly, retired marine. Blissfully short despite covering both Paddy's Catholic traditions and Uncle Sho's Buddhism. Finally, General Moreshower stood to present folded flags to Mary, Rig's gentle mother Jean, Paddy's sister Beth, and handed two to me, one for Sho, one for dad, along with their medals of honour.
"Does anyone wish to say something more?" the gentle faced marine priest finally asked after the guns had fired.
"Kaela, sing something?" Mary asked me softly, "Please?"
Optimus gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze and accepted the flags, handing me the bouquet again. I walked forward hesitantly, receiving nods from several people.
"You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered, you were once a friend and father, then my world was shattered." I sang softly, touching Dad's casket lightly before laying his group of three flowers down, Red and yellow rose and a white african daisy. I caressed Rig's casket as I laid his favourite iris down with the roses. "Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near, sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed somehow you would be here."
I moved to lay flowers over Paddy and Brick's caskets. Clover for Paddy, and a rhododendron for Brick along with their roses. "Wishing I could hear your voice again," Paddy's voice crossed my mind as I sang, his rich, sweet irish lilt and the wisdom in the words that had been spoken with it. "knowing that I never would, dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could. Passing bells and sculpted angels cold and monumental, seem for you the wrong companions, you were warm and gentle." Dear, powerfully strong and gentle Brick.
I could hear Mary begin to sob again as I moved to Chen Sho and Tinny's combined casket – two urns resting within instead of one body. Tears streamed down my face, blissfully still leaving my voice unaffected as I sang. "Too many years fighting off tears why can't the past just die? Wishing you you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye. Try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories no more silent tears no more gazing across the wasted years. Help me say goodbye... help me say goodbye." I caressed the casket in farewell and laid my final bunch of flowers down. Red and yellow roses, a Lotus flower for Uncle Sho, and Tinny's favourite snow white lily. I took a deep, calming breath and stood at the head of of Uncle Sho's casket, beginning to sing his soul to the next life, my voice broke.
In a second, Optimus and Sideswipe were standing beside me. Sideswipe held the note, preventing the chant from breaking. I joined him quickly, gathering the strength from Optimus' strong hand on my shoulder. Finished, I nodded weakly and let the two holoforms guide my steps back to our place.
Mary was sobbing again as she threw herself into my arms. Tears streamed silently down my face as I rocked her until she quieted again.
"Dear little Kae," she murmured as her brother gathered her up, "Thank you."
I nodded silently and stood straight backed in the circle of Optimus' arm as the caskets were lowered to the mournful sound of a lone trumpet playing the last post. A minute of silence and the sound began again, the flags raised.
Dry eyed once more, I let Optimus lead me back toward his truck form, getting into the cab silently and buckling myself in.
"Mikaela, are you alright?" he rumbled softly.
"I'm okay," I said quietly, "I'm sorry, just a lot of memories to deal with."
His holo nodded silently and followed the gear shift as he reversed and drove back to base. We were waved through the gate automatically, continuing to drive until we were on one of the waiting C-17's. I took a deep breath and got out of Optimus' cab, his holoform doing the same. Ratchet, Sideswipe, Ironhide, Bumblebee, Arcee, Chromia and Flareup parked behind us. A dozen or so soldiers got out of the cars as holoforms flickered into place.
Lennox squeezed my shoulder gently as Chance gave me a hug, Jacobs, Graham and Epps did the same before walking to the side of the plane, buckling in for the flight. I smiled at them and walked toward Sideswipe.
"Sides?" I asked calmly.
"Little sister?" he asked gently, his holoform flickering to stand beside Optimus'.
"Thank you f-" I took a deep breath as my throat suddenly constricted. "Thank you for not letting me break Master Chen Sho's funeral song," I whispered, fighting back tears.
"What's a brother for?" the Asian holoform said gently, cupping my cheek.
"Mikaela?" Optimus asked gently, his hand warming my shoulder again.
"I'm sorry," I said automatically, fighting to compose myself.
"Never apologize for expressing grief little cricket," Sideswipe said gently.
The floodgates burst, Optimus' arms were around me in seconds, rocking me as I grieved the loss of father, sister and four uncles in one day.
Surrounded by a press of comforting bodies, Optimus rocked and murmured, his face pressed into my hair. I felt so tired, so weighed down. My eyes closed of their own accord, the last sensation that passed my mind was the feeling of being lifted gently, passed carefully from one pair of arms to the next and laid to sleep.
(OPOV)
Optimus watched his Kae's dreams worriedly, they were so very vivid. She was surrounded by death, fighting with frozen arms, it was so cold. He finally recognized the scenery from her point of view. Egypt.
He himself was lying in the sand, his chest cracked wide open.
She jerked awake, screaming.
"Kae, I'm here, I'm right here," he rumbled desperately, onlining his holoform and wrapping her tightly in his arms, rocking in the hammock.
"You were dead," she sobbed into his chest, "Optimus you were dead."
"Mikaela listen to me, listen to my voice," Optimus ordered, crushing her to his holoform's chest. "They can kill me a thousand times over and I will always, always return to you. There is no force in this universe that will keep me away from you."
She broke down, sobbing in his arms and clinging to him desperately. He pressed his lips to her forehead, knowing she could hear the worry and love that resonated through his spark chamber. Kae arched slightly, reaching up and catching his lips with her own.
Automatically, he knew what she needed. He kissed her soundly, cradling her head with a gentle hand before working his way down her jaw, feathering kisses to her collarbone. Delicately, the neural fibres of the hammock pressed into her skin, reaching for the currents of energon running through her system and touching her spark.
He opened his eyes in her mind, saw the fragile little femme surrounded by darkness and reached for her with his own hands, caressing her gently before laying her in a bed of satiny light. He laid down beside her and felt the aching pain in her spark, felt it ease away as she fully registered his presence.
"You aren't a dream," she whispered softly, pulling him closer as he held her tenderly.
"Close your eyes my spark-mate," he whispered into her spark. "Humbly, your guardian will always be here."
Her eyes closed obediently, cuddling closer to him as she drifted back to her recharge cycle. Optimus drifted into his own, holding his Kae close to his spark.
He roused as the sunlight streamed through the open hangar doors and caressed the photocells present on the surface of his armour.
"Is she still asleep?" Lennox whispered to Ratchet. The medic transformed quietly, looking at Optimus and nodding.
"She's had a bad night," Optimus rumbled softly, he could still feel his Kae's exhaustion, despite her being in deep rechearge.
"She's grieving her father, uncles and sister all over again, isn't she?" Lennox asked sadly. Ratchet nodded. "Let her rest," Will murmured softly, "I just came over to tell you that the latest shipment of metals arrived, but I think they can wait."
"Thank you, Will," Optimus murmured. The Major nodded and walked quietly away.