There was such a thing as too many hugs.
"Sho, I love you so much!" said Big Sis as she held him like she thought that he was going to die or something. He wasn't, unless she knew something that she didn't that was. Sometimes it felt like she knew more about things than he did.
After all, she had come running through the door and tried to hug him to death after all.
"I love you too, Sho!" shouted Mukai as she wrapped her arms around his legs. Sho couldn't have hugged her back even if he had wanted to…which he kind of did. He always wanted to hug his sisters back, he loved them more than anyone else that he had ever met in the world, but also right now he kind of didn't want to hug anyone.
How could he?
He felt like the worst person in the world. He had been feeling like this for a long time now, maybe even for as long as he could remember. Since he had been little he had been sure, as sure as he had ever been of anything in his life, that he had been born wrong. That she had been born right. Big Sis…but she had never felt like that. She had told him so many times before that he had been wrong but…but how could he have been born right when he had done something so wrong?
How could he have left someone who loved him?
"I love you so, so, so much! I love you so much and I don't know what I would ever do if something happened to you!" said Big Sis as she tried to break his ribs with her arms.
"I love you too, Sho! I love you the most!" said Mukai as she tried to break his legs.
"Yeah, yeah, yea-" said Sho
"It's not a contest, Mukai, we can both love Sho. He's our only brother, I mean he's our only brother from Dad, I mean…you know what I mean." said Big Sis
"No I don't, you don't make sense." Said Mukai. Sho could have told her that, too, if he'd been able to breathe. It was kind of hard to breathe, though, with two sisters trying to squeeze the life out of him. Big Sis was the strongest but Mukai was trying her best. She always tried her best. She always was the best, the best little sister in the whole world. She and Big Sis were tied to be the best Suzuki in the whole world. He was…
He was himself.
"I don't, I mean I didn't, I mean…I mean it's just kind of hard to make sense of anything right now but know that loving our brother isn't a contest and-" said Big Sis
"No! It is a contest and I'm the winner. I'm the Mukai so I have to be the winner. You're the loser." Said Mukai
"You shouldn't call people names." Said Big Sis, still holding onto him. Mukai stamped on his foot.
"No! I love Sho the most and you love Sho the not most! So you lose and you have to make me cakes. Now, please and thank you." said Mukai. She was still hugging him but now it felt like she was trying to dig her nails into him through his pants leg. Who would have thought that girls could have been so strong?
Too strong.
He was strong, too, and he could have pushed them off if he had wanted to. He didn't want to, though, to push them hard enough to hurt them. To make them let go. He just tried to slither free, like he was a snake or a worm or someone who greased themselves up so nobody could catch them. He couldn't, though, he was stuck.
But he was always stuck, wasn't he?
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love you both too. Now can you let me go?" Said Sho as he tried to get his arm free so he could hug them back. They just hugged him tighter the more he tried to move. He wondered if he was going to die from being squeezed, like how snakes killed things. Maybe his sisters had been snakes in a past life, but the good kind, like the ones that he'd taken care of.
He wondered what had happened to them.
He had let them go and then they'd all just slithered away. They were probably out doing snake stuff now, shedding their skin and eating mice and hissing at people when they walked past. He wondered if they were all grown up now. He wondered if they missed him, if they even remembered him. Those poor little snakes. First their snake mom abandoned them and then he had to let them go…and they had only been babies. Mostly just giant heads and little snake bodies. He wondered if they ever stayed up at night wondering where he had gone to, what they had done wrong, what they could have done right…he wondered if they ever asked themselves if he had ever loved them at all.
Or maybe only people could think those kinds of thoughts.
"Ok." Said Mukai as she let him go. She kicked him on the top of the foot. He wasn't sure what made her do that. Sisters were kind of weird like that. He had no idea why she did some of the stuff that she did. He had no idea why Big Sis did some of the stuff she did too, like holding onto him with all of her strength even when he told her to let him go. Why was she being so weird?
Everyone had been weird today.
Shimazaki was the first person to have been weird. All he'd been doing all day was sitting in Minegishi's room holding a dog and listening to the same record over and over again. He was pretty sure that Minegishi's other boyfriend had been weird, too, though Sho didn't know him very well. He had been hanging out at the house with Shimazaki when Sho had last checked even though they should have been mortal enemies. Sho knew that if there had been another guy in love with Ritsu that he and that guy would have been mortal enemies. If Ritsu had loved him back Sho knew that he would have had to kill him…or at least beat him up so badly that he got amnesia and forgot who Ritsu even was. Shimazaki would have, should have, done the same thing but he'd spent all morning just hanging out with the guy like it was normal. Shibata and Tsuchiya hadn't even said anything to him even though he had the record player on so loud that the whole house could hear it. Normally they would have been pissed at him just for reminding them that he was alive…so maybe they were making progress on being less weird…but that was still weird. This had been a weird day.
And it was getting weirder.
"No, Sho, no. I can never let you go. I won't ever let you go." Said Big Sis as she tried to hold him even tighter.
"You're squeezing me to death!" said Sho
"No! Sho's going to die! He's going to die if you don't stop!" said Mukai as she started pulling on Big Sis's skirt. That was the thing that had finally gotten her to let go. As soon as she let go Sho took a step back. He didn't care that he ended up stepping on Mukai's sketchbook, he needed some space.
"Sho! I'm sorry! I don't want you to die I just…I don't want you to go! I'm sorry!" said Big Sis as she turned around, covered her eyes, and ran away. She ran right out of the living room, up the stairs, and he heard their bedroom door slam. There was a flash of purple, Serizawa's aura. He hoped that Serizawa didn't end up freaking out too, he didn't need another person being weird…though really it would have maybe been kind of normal for Serizawa to freak out.
Whatever. He didn't need any more people freaking out.
"Shigeko's not coming back, no, not at all." Said Mukai, crossing her arms and shaking her head.
"No she's not, Baby Sis, no she's not." Said Sho. He knew that she was upset but he had no idea why. She was just…he didn't know. Everyone had been weird today. He didn't know why she had to be so…so…like that. All he had wanted to do today was hang out with Baby Sis, color in their sketchbooks, and stuff. Normal stuff.
The kind of stuff that he was supposed to do.
Good big brother stuff. He could at least try and be a good big brother even though he sucked at everything else. He could try to be a good little brother too, maybe. Big Sis had been upset. When Mukai was upset all he had to do was give her an airplane ride or play with her or just let her hit him a few times. Big Sis was more complicated, mostly because she was a lot older. He remembered how much simpler things had been when he had been Mukai's age, when all he'd had to do was play and draw all day, when he had even still thought that there was a chance that Dad could have loved him. He had been so little and so dumb back then, but now he wasn't little anymore, and neither was Big Sis. They were bigger and had bigger people problems.
Oh. Right.
"But I'm here." Said Mukai
"Yeah, I know…I know you're here." Said Sho. They were here but Big Sis wasn't. It felt weird. It felt like something was missing even though nothing was missing at all. Well, aside from most of Mukai's colored pencils and three of his hamsters, but that was her fault. Big Sis was still there, he just couldn't see her anymore, and he certainly couldn't feel her crushing his bones. Sho almost missed it, being hugged. There was such a thing as too many hugs after all.
But she hadn't given him anything close to too many hugs. Nothing close at all.
"Let's color some more!" said Mukai as she tugged on his arm. He pulled his hand away.
"We'll color in a minute. I just have to get some stuff for Big Sis. Ok?" asked Sho. Picked up her sketchbook.
"I'm going to win at drawing." Said Mukai as she took her sketchbook and ran away. He had no idea where she was going and how, exactly, she thought she was going to win at coloring. Especially because she couldn't even color in the lines yet. He'd figure it out later.
Right now Big Sis needed him.
He'd needed her for his entire life and now she needed him, the least he could do was be there for her. The least he could do was be there for someone. He was no better than Mom in a lot of ways, just leaving, even if he'd had to. He had on idea if Ritsu even cared. He hadn't even said goodbye. He'd just left him in the middle of the night…not even a note…
Sho went to the kitchen.
Ritsu was all the way in Seasoning City. Big Sis was here now. He was here with her. He may not have been able to be there with Ritsu bit he could be there for Big Sis. He opened the fridge and took the milk out. He pulled a pot out of the cabinet with his powers. He could hear Mukai in the living room telling his hamsters to sit still. She was probably trying to draw them again. She could barely even draw anything let alone something alive and moving…he would be there for her in a minute. He would be a good big brother soon.
First he had to be a good little brother.
He poured some milk into the pot and turned the fire on. Big Sis liked warm milk, especially when she got like this. He was always going to be grateful, for the rest of his life, that he'd been born a boy and not a girl. It sucked when stuff like this happened to girls. They always got so weird and their stomachs hurt. So pretty much how he felt all the time but worse.
It must have sucked.
He put some vanilla in the milk and took it off the fire before it started to boil. He had seen the way she made it. He could remember how to do things. He could be a good little brother. He put…maybe too much vanilla in…but she'd like it. He hoped, anyway, that she liked it. He put the milk in her favorite glass, the Elsa one with the chip. He didn't know why she still liked it with the chip in it but it didn't matter why she liked it, just that she liked.
That was the only thing that mattered.
The only thing that mattered right now as making her happy. At least he could be there for someone. He took the milk up to their room, more like his room at this point. They had stopped sharing a while ago. She slept with Serizawa these days. He knew that it had been kind of a jerk move but he just…he needed the room. For Sho stuff, stuff that he knew he didn't want his sister to know about. Stuff that it would have been so weird if she knew about, weird enough that they would have had to live in separate houses or even separate countries if she knew. He wondered if things would have been different if he'd had a big brother, a real big brother, instead of a big sister….no, it would have still been weird. He didn't want anyone to know about when he cried, or other stuff, or when he felt so many feelings at once that…that he couldn't even…that he didn't even know what they were called. When he felt sort of like how she felt right now, maybe. He didn't know how Big Sis felt right now but it couldn't have been any worse than he felt every single day. Minus the stomachache and blood and stuff.
It couldn't have been worse than how he felt every time he locked himself in that room.
"Big Sis? You awake?" asked Sho even though he knew fully well that she was awake. He could hear her crying, and he could see her aura. It still felt right to say something, and even to knock too, even though it was his room more than it was hers.
"I'm awake." Said Big Sis
"Can I come in?" asked Sho. She didn't say anything, the door just swung opened. She had used her powers. If he had been littler he would have been jealous. Now he just felt bad for her. It was…he didn't know why he felt good and bad at the same time. He shouldn't have wanted anyone else to feel bad, to feel like he did. He certainly shouldn't have felt a little less alone.
He couldn't do anything right, could he? Even have feelings.
But he at least could do this right. He put the milk on her nightstand while he crossed the room. He kind of got stuck in the space between their beds. If they'd had bunk beds again this wouldn't have happened, but they couldn't have bunk beds because Mukai kept on falling off. Her problems were so simple. Even when she cried it was a lot more simple. She never turned her back to him and cried facing the wall. She cried like a little kid.
But he and Big Sis weren't little kids anymore.
"I'm sorry, for hugging you, I mean." Said Big Sis as she turned around. Sho looked over at his bed and then hers…and he sat down on hers. It just seemed right. That was what Mom used to do when they were sad, back when she had been around and they had been little kids.
"You don't have to be sorry about that." Said Sho as he sat down on the end of her bed. She sat up and wiped her eyes. She had blue and black stuff all over her face now. He didn't know if he was supposed to wipe her face or not. He didn't have anything to wipe it with.
"Yes I do. You said that I was squeezing you to death." Said Big Sis. Sho rolled his eyes.
"I didn't mean for real." Said Sho
"But still! I just…I don't know what would happen if you died. I don't know what I would do if you died…if I was all alone." Said Big Sis
"Stop it." Said Sho
"Sorry….I'm sorry." Said Big Sis
"You know that I'll never leave you. I'm not Mom and you're not…" said Sho
"Dad?" asked Big Sis
"Yeah. Dad…whoever. You're you and I'm not going to leave you. I'm not that much of an asshole." Said Sho. He didn't try to be, at least, but sometimes it felt like no matter what he did he was always going to be an asshole. Like it was inside of him, a part of him, like Mom and Dad were a part of him. A part that he could never escape.
"Sho! You're not a…a that word, at all." Said Big Sis
"You can say it, you know, it's not like Dad's around to yell at you or anything…not that he ever yelled at you at all." Said Sho
"He yelled sometimes." Said Big Sis
"Yeah. Barely." Said Sho
"He yelled at you more…I know that he did. I'm sorry." Said Big Sis, taking his hand. He pulled it away.
"What are you sorry for?" said Sho
"Not stopping him when I could…I don't know. Making you feel bad. Making you feel like…I don't know. Like you have to be in here and…and I can't be…I don't know." said Big Sis
"Do you have to say that?" asked Sho
"What?" asked Big Sis
"That you don't know. Do you have to keep on saying that?" asked Sho
"I don't…I guess, I mean I just…I don't know Sho, ok? It just feels like everything is going wrong and…and I don't know." said Big Sis
"I don't know what's going wrong for you, you've got everything you want. You have Dad's job and friends and you had a boyfriend-" said Sho
"This isn't about me, it's about you, you and everyone else. I don't care about the things that I have. I just want everyone I know and love to just…to be ok. I can't…I can't keep you safe but I want to. I need to. I could have lost you and…and I just…I don't know what I would do without you!" said Big Sis
"What are you even talking about?" asked Sho
"There…there's this spirit. I met it. I mean I was near it…being near it was like being near a blackhole. And I know, I know, Dad told me about them. Anyone close enough to see a blackhole would be pulled apart before they knew what they were looking at and…and that's how I felt when I was near it. Like I was going to be pulled apart. Like all the happiness inside of me was being pulled out and it was never coming back and…and I felt so alone. I've never felt more alone in my whole life." said Big Sis
"Don't talk to me about feeling alone. You don't know what it's like to feel alone." Muttered Sho. He didn't want her to hear him but also he did. He didn't really know what he wanted. Her to shut up? Her to keep talking? To go back to coloring with Mukai? To have her put her sketchbook down until she learned how to actually draw? To hang out with Fukuda or Shimazaki or…or just to be on his own….
To feel lonely or to not feel lonely.
"I do…I mean I do now and I never want to feel that way, all cold on the inside. I just don't ever want you or anyone else to feel like that. I just…I don't know what to do." Said Big Sis
"If its that bad then why don't you just exorcise it? It's not like you're not strong enough to do it." Said Sho
"I could if I knew where it was. I went to Minori's school, the spirit was following her, but when I got there they said that she hadn't shown up and…and when I got back to her house she was gone and…and I don't know what to do! That thing is out there and it's making people feel bad, terrible, worse than bad and terrible and…and I don't know what to do…" said Big Sis
"Big Sis…" said Sho. She was looking over at him, her eyes and aura met his. She looked like she was going to cry. She had no idea how much it looked like she was going to cry. At least he thought that she didn't, it wasn't like she could see herself. He could see her, though. He could see that she was going to cry.
Good little brothers didn't make their big sisters cry.
"I'm never going to leave you and if this is so important then…then I can help you." said Sho
"No, it's too big for you-" said Big Sis
"Let me help you!" said Sho. He didn't mean to yell, it just came out that way. She had just said that he wouldn't have been able to do it, that he wasn't good enough. Of course he knew that she didn't mean it…or maybe she had. He didn't know…yes he did. He knew her. She loved him and he loved her.
He was going to be there for her.
"But…but it's a lot, Sho. I saw it, I felt it, and it was so much…" said Big Sis
"If it's too much for you then let me help you. if you're so damn afraid of being alone, of losing me, then why in the hell are you trying to keep me away?" asked Sho. Big Sis didn't say anything. She just leaned over and hugged him.
She knocked over her milk.
She didn't seem to mind. She just hugged him, a bigger hug than before. She held him so tightly that this time he was sure that she was trying to kill him, to crush his bones. To squeeze him like a snake would have…like his baby snakes would have, if he had still been their snake mom. It was such a tight hug he didn't even know how he would get out…or if he wanted to get out.
He got his arms free.
"I'm not going anywhere, ok? So stop being all…like this. I can help you with this if it's so damn important. I can help you so just…just let me help you." said Sho
"You can…if you want to help me then you can but…but please, be careful." Said Big Sis as she tried to get her arms around him again. He hugged her back. His arms wrapped around her, though he wasn't trying to crush her. He was just trying to hug her back. He was just trying to make her stop crying. He was just trying to be a good brother. At least he could do that right…at least he could try and do that right. He could be a good big brother and a good little brother and…and he could be there for both of his sisters.
No matter what they needed. Everything from the world's biggest hug to help hunting down the world's most evil spirit.